Does Misery Love Company?
I have so much on my mind lately.
I want to write about so many different topics, but there is
not enough time in a week for them all. I am choosing to spend a wee-bit of
time writing about something that is not so fun, positive, and uplifting. Why
would I choose to write about misery? There is a slightly odd reason for it. I
have sooo many hugely positive things happening all around me, and I have so
many wonderful blessings that the joy and exuberance I am surrounded with is
almost overwhelming, and it makes it hard for my mind to focus on one topic to
write about. But there is one topic I feel I need to address for a brief
moment, because it is important. Sad, and heart-wrenching, but important. I am
not focusing on the negative because I enjoy it, or want to promote it. I am
writing this simply to put it out there, and then I can move on, having said
what needed to be said, and close that door. I can and will recognize a bad
situation, and make the changes I need to completely remove myself from that
path. I will choose a happy place over misery any day, if I have a choice.
Why am I bringing this topic up right now? Well, unfortunately
I just had to remove myself from a very bad situation, and in the process the
person I thought was my friend has turned my moving to safety as somehow a
personal attack on her. Or, to quote her, she says “You kicked me hard when I
was at my worst.” That is not the worst she has said, but it sums it up quite
well. Two weeks ago, I left a very volatile situation and moved into a very
safe place. In the process of moving out, I informed my friend of my
intentions, and made sure to do nothing that was harmful. I just left without
any scene, any anger, and as peacefully as possible, hurt, sad, and trying not
to cry. Up until the moment I left, she was polite to me, and treated me as
though our friendship was still as it always had been, with us both recognizing
the reasons I moved having being in no way directed at her personally. I was
sad to have to move, and thought she truly understood I moved to protect us
both and keep a bad situation from getting worse. I cared about her, loved her,
and was very happy to have called her a best friend. I was very sad that she
chose to go down a path which she knew I could not and would not live with. She
forced me to move. I did not want to. Plus in the process of my deciding to move, I learned that she had been evicted and wanted to hide that from me.
I am not writing this to in any way air dirty laundry, or to
say she was a bad person. In fact quite the opposite. I have tried and tried to
convince her how much I still like her, how much I still care, and that I would
probably put myself in the same place all over again for her. But I could not and would not just sit there
and watch as she allowed herself to be destroyed by others who wanted only to
harm her. She knew this from the day she met me, and those were the foundations
for why she wanted me as a roommate. I was about to be between jobs, and she
was wanting help making ends meet. We agreed that we could help each other out.
We agreed on how our living environment would be, and agreed we would encourage
each other to continue in positive directions. She liked the way I managed to
steer bad things toward positive, and also how I never got surprises involving
my financial situations. She liked how when I was around, she made decisions
that helped her steer clear of some of her troubled past, and liked how she
felt when she had the support in making those positive changes.
We both agreed positive and helpful was a great way to
support each other. She was happy to be single and not have the troubles of a
past boyfriend dragging her down anymore. She was happy to finally have an
apartment with a real lease, instead of living month to month. She was happy to
make this place her home for a very long time, and wanted my help in both
affording the rent while her job cut hours and in keeping an environment she
would not want to bring an ex back in if he came back around. Of course I saw this as a win for everyone!
There is that old familiar saying: “Misery loves company”…
But Recently I have made a new saying that fits better: “Misery Loves Miserable
Company”.
What exactly does that mean? It is simple: most people when
they are miserable will not enjoy it, and will find a way to remove themselves
from that situation. But there are those few whose pride is so huge that when
they find themselves in a miserable situation, they refuse to admit they can
make changes to get out of it. Those who are afraid to admit they have made bad
choices will seek to get others included in their misery. (That is the simple
“Misery loves company”) But the complex part of it is, they are so miserable,
they absolutely cannot stand to see others happy, and refuse to make the
changes to make themselves happy. So, they will find happy people, and do
everything possible to make that person as miserable as they are. There is a
strange dichotomy that somehow encourages those who are miserable to actually
join-up, and remain by those who are also miserable. They feel they are not
alone when they cause others to suffer along with them. And strangely, even
though these people have known happiness, peace, and the joys of living without
misery, they seem to easily be attracted, and imprisoned by their own desire to
join others similarly miserable.
But much to the surprise of the miserable one, they are
often shocked that the happy one refuses to join the misery.
I also have come to the conclusion that those who choose to
live in misery are often shocked by the events, or circumstances that happen
“to them”. This is because they are so convinced they are somehow a victim, and
people are always trying to attack, or do harm to them. They refuse to learn
from past mistakes, and refuse to recognize how their own actions have been the
cause of their current situation. For
them it is easier to blame others and complain about being a “victim” than it
is to admit they have had a part in the way their life has gone. Usually when
they have a “sudden” something occur that is now an “emergency”, it is simply
because they chose not to address the situation when it first came up. For some
reason, saying “I Can’t deal with this right now” is a common excuse when
something is brought into their life that needs to be resolved. Then in another
two weeks, month, or some time down the road, that problem suddenly is at its
final stage, and only then will they react.
Usually these events revolve around money, or other legal issues. And
there is always a pattern of what happened in the past happening repeatedly,
yet it is always a “surprise”, because they refuse to see how their same
behavior brings the same results.
I too am guilty of
this. I often find I will trust someone to the point that it bites me in the
butt. Yup, I have made my share of mistakes, and I did the same thing with this
most recent one. I am in no way perfect, I make mistakes, and I find I am “suddenly”
having to fix them. This is actually a mistake I have made more times because I
tend to take someone at their word when they say they want to make changes in their
life, or that they will “never” allow a certain something to happen again. I
also tend to be too forgiving, and allow people to do as they please, as long
as they follow the one basic rule in life: Do Not Harm. That rule is fairly
simple, yet very complex. Defining harm is not as easy as one might think. Do
Not Harm. It means exactly that. It means harm no one, including one’s own
self. But that is also where it gets complicated. At what point do I have the
right to decide for another human what is actually harming them, when they are
under the impression it is not? (or worse, they have decided they somehow deserve that harm, and will defend it.) Most people tend to get very defensive if
someone suggests something they are doing is considered harmful. That also fall
under the category of “Unless you somehow have guardianship or responsibility for
another, you really cannot tell them what they can and cannot do.” This is
where I will almost always make my mistakes. I will let another harm themselves
as long as they somehow have convinced themselves it is not harmful. But Harm
does not stop at simple levels. It manifests, and gets more harmful as time and
habits allow. Then once the person realizes how harmful something is, it then becomes
a matter of pride, ego, and defense of their own behavior, instead of wanting
to stop and seek changes. At that point, I will need to take some sort of
action to stop the harm. If I am unable to help that person, yet they insist on
continuing, I am left with no other option than to remove myself from that
scene,or end up in a fight if I remain, because then it crosses from not just them harming, or allowing harm,
but then I also in harm’s way.
Yup, I have made my share of mistakes, and will openly admit
them. I am not too proud to admit my mistakes. Heck, read any post in my
Facebook, look through my pictures, or read any of my blogs. I make tons of
mistakes. As we all do. The difference is when I create a problem, I will admit
I screwed-up, and try to find a way to make it no longer a problem. I try to
learn from my mistakes. One of those I have learned from is past bad situations
where I stayed and would fight whatever was causing the problem. At some point in my life I learned I did not
need that. I learned that one day I would end up in jail. I learned I was
always accused of “fighting dirty”, because I never lost a fight. Ever. (It is a fight! How could it be called dirty? Is there such a thing as a c;ean fight? Nope. Every fight is dirty.) I have
sent many people to jail and the hospital because when I would get to the point of
fighting, I did not go at a fight with simple idea that there would be two left
“in the ring”. If I was forced to fight, I went with the idea that “This was
going to end, and it will end now”. I
always fought knowing I had nothing to fear. I knew how the eternal battle of “Good
versus Evil” always played-out. Good always wins. Period. The trouble is the
ones fighting for bad never were smart enough to understand this, so they
seemed to think they had a chance. They also were never smart enough to pay
attention in school. There are three types of fights: Physical, Mental, and
Spiritual. Winning any fight is simple if you understand what you are battling.
A Physical fight is simply applying basic math and science, understanding how
those principles are applied. Every move in a physical fight is all about doing
the math, and knowing how to use the science. A Mental fight is a battle where you are only
needing to know more about the topic, and have a clear understanding of the
topic. (unfortunately most egos do not readily admit they are outsmarted). There really nis never an end to mental fight, because the one who is not really aware of all the facts is going to want to continue. A Mental battle can never really be "won" because the one who sees clearly waht the problem is can never convince the one who is clouded and confused. The one who has presented clearly the facts simply walks away,
because they already see that the fight is over. The one whose ego is too big
will keep trying to fight, not even noticing they change their story, and confuse themselves with each telling of a new version. They will tell
everyone who will listen all about their view(s), and how wrong the other is,
going on and on, thinking they are gaining the support of all who they tell, but only digging themselves in a deeper hole.
Meanwhile the one who has already walked away just is sad that the other is
making such a fool of themselves. It simply is a battle of “Right vs Wrong”, or
about who has an unclouded view of what has happened. The one with a clear head
will always walk away once it is done. The one who is clouded will think they
are still in a battle. A Spiritual fight is one where two Spiritual forces are
in a battle. For example, someone who is filled with God, and someone who is
filled with a Demon, Devil, or any you choose to put in that place, or any two
spiritual entities. If someone knows God, has faith and trusts in God, that is
an extremely easy battle to win. It is the age-old tale of “Good Vs Evil”. Good
Always wins. Period. So, why have I
always won every fight? Simple: I never approach a fight with the option of
both walking out of “the ring”. The only reason to fight is to put an end to
something that is not acceptable. I apply all three types to every fight. I
fight with God in my spirit, soul, and body. I fight with the mental clarity of
knowing what exactly the issue is about. I fight with full understanding and
application of All principles of math and science. If I am forced to fight, I
do not see an option for there ever to be another. It will be finished at that
time. There will be no doubt it is over. It is bad enough I am forced to fight.
I will Finish it, and never be placed in that position again. I will make sure
there is nothing left to fight. Period. I hate fights. I absolutely hate them. I have learned, though that many people absolutely love fights, and will do almost anything to provoke a fight. Those people want an excuse for why someone is no longer in their life, rather than accepting that people move on for many reasons. The ones who seek a fight want to make the other person hate them so much that they will never come into their life again.
So, what does the above paragraph have to do with learning
from my mistakes? Simple: I have learned I have the option to remove myself
BEFORE it gets to the point of a fight. Those who are seeking a fight will always
find someone to fight with. I choose to no longer let me be the one they chose.
I have learned when it is time to give up and walk away before it gets to that
point. I have learned that even though I never lose, in many ways I have lost
by allowing myself to be taken that far. That is why I left when I did. The
mental fight had already been battled between my friend and myself. The
physical and spiritual fights were about to happen between me and the ones she
allowed to harm her. I decided I was done as soon as the mental battle had begun. I hoped that my leaving would end the mental battle, and she would accept peace. I left before the other batlles decided to force themselves on me. I made the mistake of allowing it to get to
the point that even a mental battle occurred. I also made the mistake of
allowing myself to remain as long as I did once I saw there would in fact be
any sort of harm, and any sort of fight. Yes, I could have stayed. Yes I could
have fought to finish this. But that would have meant I destroyed the one who
was causing the harm. (and that would
have destroyed my friend, since she wanted to defend his behavior) I no longer
wish to destroy someone when they will take care of that all by themselves. The
one causing the harm was already destroying himself, and my friend was already
allowing herself to be destroyed, So I recognized I needed to remove myself,
allow them to destroy only whose who are willing to go down that road, and get
myself to safety. I hoped I was able to preserve the relationship I had with my
friend by removing myself.
There is an old story about Faith in God that came to my
heart. I told it to her, thinking it had come to me for her to hear. This is
the story:
A Man is in his house, and it is surrounded by flood waters.
A woman comes along in a rowboat and offers him a ride to safety. He waved her
off proclaiming “My God will save me.” Once the water were high enough that he
was forced into the second story of his home, he saw a rescue team come by in a
big rescue boat. They tried to get him to come into their boat for safety. He
again denied the rescue, stating “My God will rescue me.” Once the waters were
as high as his roof, he was clinging to the very last brick at the top of the
chimney. A Rescue helicopter came to pluck him to safety. He refused to climb
in, again saying “My God will not let me down. He will Save Me.” The helicopter
went away. The man was swept away in the flood, and as he drowned, he asked
“God, Why did you not save me?” God replied “I came three times. Each time you
denied me.”
My friend’s response to this was “I’ve heard that story
before”.
That was a hard reality for me to grasp. It hit me hard that
she has no desire to be rescued from the flood. In just two short months I
lived with her, I saw her literally rescued three times from each situation she
was struggling with. Each time, she chased down the thing that was destroying
her, and brought it right back into her home. It was then that I noticed she
thrived on the fight, loved the battle, and did not know how to function
without things that tore her apart most. It was like she had a cancerous tumor
removed, a cancer that had become her whole reason for living, and the daily
struggle, and fight was what she lived for. Once that cancer was removed, she
felt she had no purpose. She needed that fight, and that cancer always
attacking her to feel somehow that her life was at all important.
But not only was she wishing to bring that fight back into
her life, she brought it into my life. I would not tolerate this one bit.
(Well, once I finally noticed what was happening) She had insisted the reasons
she wanted me there was to help her grow and rid herself from those cancers,
those battles, and struggles. She had no intention of doing that. I learned she
had brought me in to have someone to join her in her misery. She had thought
she could get me so low and beaten that I would feel I needed to stay.
I soon realized that story about faith in God came to me for
my benefit, not for hers. I was caught in the flood, and because I was holding
on to someone who did not want rescued, I was being taken down into the
dangerous swirling waters. God needed me to see I was the one in need of
rescue. I had already denied Him twice, and this was my third and final rescue
that would be offered.
I told her I realized that story was for my rescue, and that
I would be moving out.
I DO Have Faith in God. And even though it sometimes
takes me a few times to notice, God always provides. I told her I was leaving,
and God Almost instantly provided a new place to live. Almost as soon as a new
place was provided, I discovered she had been evicted and had no intentions of
telling me. I attempted to pay my share of the Oct rent since I had not given
her but a few days notice. I went to pay my share at the office (because I knew
better than to give it to her) and the office refused it. They said “Because of
the eviction, they could not accept the money.” I asked details about the
eviction, but they would not discuss it with me, since it was legally her name
on the lease. (I was listed as a tenant, since I filled out proper papers, and
was added on as a resident, just not on the lease…. Yeah, you try and tell me
God wasn’t already protecting me!) They advised
me to leave before I was included in any legal process. The neighbors
were not happy I was leaving, but told me they were glad I recognized what was
happening. They told me more details about her lifestyle than I ever wished to
know. They told me in the next few days how glad they were I was finding
safety, and glad I did not get taken down in all that was happening in that
apartment.
Again, God totally protected me.
I moved out on my next day off, just as I had told her I
would. After I moved, I began getting angry texts and emails. IF you recall
what I said happens in a mental battle… After the one with a clear mind walks
away, then the other with a clouded mind continues a non-existent battle. The only thing I can make sense of these emails
and texts is that she is looking for a fight, and wants me to leave absolutely
hating her, so she can claim I ran from her life. I attempted a couple times to
reply and let her know I still cared, and never hated her, and would always be
there when she wanted a friend, and decided she was done going down this path.
She has convinced herself that somehow the destructive behaviors she allowed
are now all my fault, and I would cause her to “end her misery”, and it would
all be my fault. Again, like I mentioned about a mental battle… She is looking
for a fight after the battle has been won. She is hoping either by threatening
suicide I would suddenly fling myself right back into the danger, or that I
would fight with her so she still ahs a battle to hang onto. Alos interesting
that she denied the eviction while I was there, but as soon as I left suddenly
she is being evicted because I left. Again, with the mental battle. It was over
long ago, but she wants to continue. I refuse to play into it. I have not
figured out why she started this after I left. I replied a few times attempting
to show her I do not hate her, and I will be her friend when she is ready. I made it clear I will no longer reply to any
of her emails if she is only wanting to attempt a fight, or attempt to make me
hate her. She still sends many a day. But is no longer getting any response
from me.
Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about death. I believe
a person cannot die before it is their time.
Period. A person cannot commit suicide if it is not their time. A person
cannot be killed by any force before their time. Likewise, if a person wants to
kill themselves, I say good. Let them. I have been there, and I have tried. As you can see, I am not yet allowed
to die. One thing I know, though is you cannot do anything to change their
mind, nor can you interfere. If you somehow stop someone from trying, they will
resent you, and not recognize the simple fact that it was not their time. So,
you have to let them try. You have to let them continue the path they have
chosen. Once a person is in the mindset that they want to die, they will not
listen to any logic, any reason, or anything anyone tells them.
Now, that does not mean I will help them, or encourage them
to die. That choice is entirely their own to make. I have spent the past two
weeks trying to help her see what is happening, and trying to help her grasp
how her choices have led to where she is right now. I have made it clear I have
never given up on her, and would help her in a heart-beat the moment she asks.
She is somehow convinced all her problems are because of me, because she needs
to find someone to blame. Anyone she can blame justifies her behavior in her
mind. I have also told her exactly that. If she feels better by blaming me,
then please go ahead and blame me. There is nothing she says that can harm me.
It only continues to harm her. She is so committed to being miserable, and
wants nothing more than to have other miserable people go down that road with
her, she cannot stand that I refuse to be part of that. She is in disbelief
about her own power. She truly believes she can take a happy person and make
them want to be miserable with her. So, now she is nothing but angry towards
me. I have no control over anything she
chooses to do. Nor can I do anything about her anger. I tried.
Right now, all I can do is wait. I have made it clear I will
be there for her once she finishes this path she has chosen. She has made it
clear she wants me to get so angry at her that I would fight with her, and
leave, so she can say I abandoned her. I will not. She wants me to run away,
but does not know what to do with someone who will still be there when she
decides she is done going this direction. I still care, and hope she does not
die. But I cannot just sit there and watch as she destroys herself. I needed to
find safety, and continue with my life, and only if I am safe can I help
another. If anyone happens to see her, please give her a hug, and ask “how are
you?”
If she happens to die in the process, then I would say
“good.” It was her time. She is no longer suffering in this Earthly place. If
she tries, and fails, then hopefully she will notice it was not her time.
Hopefully she would get enough of a “smack to her ego” that she decides to try
and live a happy life, since she is not allowed to die. If she happens to try,
yet lives, I hope she sees that she needs to make her life a priority, and not
allow anything to enter that distracts from her well-being. I hope she sees
that wherever she ends up next, she decides to make her home a safe place where
no one is allowed to ever deliberately harm another. I hope she sees that if
she continues letting people in who only intend to harm her, she will always be
miserable. I hope she decides to find happy. I Hope she decides her own life is
a priority. I hope she realizes how
wonderful she is when she knows her life is a blessing to others. I hope she
realizes she is loved, and sometimes love is tough. I hope she realizes nobody
has given up on her, they are only waiting for her to decide she wants them in
her life. I hope she realizes I still care. There is nothing I can do that will
convince her, because she has convinced herself the world is against her.
