Monday, July 15, 2013
I Found Gramma in a Box of Triscuits!!
Today, I bought a box of Triscuits…. And Found Gramma!
I Know that sounds really weird…
And I can’t deny it. Yup, it’s weird.
Would it be even weirder if I told you my Gramma has been dead for a very long time?
Ok, SO it Really is not THAT Creepy. It actually is quite happy!
I’ll Explain… well, TRY To Explain anyhow!
So, it seems daily I find another food I cannot eat due to my allergies. Often the foods I have eaten my whole life suddenly are off-limits, and I am constantly forced to give up the most basic of life’s little guilty pleasures.
Cheez-its are one of my all-time favorite snack crackers. I have eaten them my whole life. Then they came out with all those wonderful flavors of sooo many delightful kinds of cheeses in their crackers. Oooh, I was in heaven! Anyone who knows me would not doubt I LOVE Cheese! And then to have my favorite cracker have a dozen new flavors… Oh, it was wonderful! WAS. Imagine suddenly not ever being able to eat a Cheezit again. This happened to me this spring. After consuming a portion of Cheezits (I don’t recall which flavor, but it does not matter), I got that all-too-familiar feeling that I ate something I should not have. The only thing I had eaten was the Cheezits, so I looked at the ingredients. Yup, has Palm Oil. Grumble, Growl, Snort! Look again in disbelief… Yup, There it is.
Palm Oil is one of many items I am allergic to. In recent years, many food manufacturers have switched to using Palm (or Coconut) Oil, instead of the Sunflower or Soybean Oils. I am told the reason for this is purely cost-motivated. Palm and Coconut oils are cheap, so the companies can make more profit. So even products I have always been safe in eating suddenly become poison to me. This was the case with my beloved Cheezits. (and before anyone starts suggesting I look in the “Natural”, or “health food” Stores… Think about that for a second… Those stores Use MORE Coconut Products than others do! Those stores are like ticking product-bombs just waiting to jump out and poison me!
I was in disbelief as I read the label, because I knew… I ABSOLUTELY KNEW There was no Palm Oil in my beloved Cheezits. But there it was… and even without reading the label, I could FEEL it poisoning my blood and brain. But regardless, it was there in nice, clear print. So I naturally did what anyone would do… I grabbed a different box of Cheezits from the cupboard (I normally had no less than 6-boxes on hand at all times.) And I found exactly what I knew I would: That box had NO Palm Oil. But several of the others did. It was clear… they were in the process of changing their ingredients, and I had one box that was older than the rest.
Never mind the way the allergic reaction was making me feel, react, and behave. I was (trying to be)more focused on the thought of “Might I find a store that still has pallets of the Old Cheezits?” Hmm… How can I find All the old ones, and possibly buy ‘em all up, so I can keep enjoying Cheezits forever? But of course that would not work on my budget. In fact, I had already spent my snack budget… and it was quickly dawning on me that I had a cupboard full of snacks that I could not eat… and even more depressing, I was realizing that I likely would never find any Cheezits on the store shelves that still were the old recipe. I looked through some of the other snack I had in the cupboard, and found similar scenarios. For example, The box of “Scooby Snacks” I had just bought had Palm Oil in it, but the one I had bought two weeks prior did not.
Wait, You think you just read something about Scooby Snacks? Yes, You read that right. “Scooby Snacks”… here, look….
….Yup! They are shaped like dog-biscuits, but are delicious and deceptively tasty as human snacks! A hint of cinnamon in a Graham Cracker. Fun to just put in a bowl, without the package and see if people will eat a dog-snack!
But I was sad, because the more snacks I looked at, the more I found Palm Oil. This was hard, because in the past three years, I have had the same story with Ice Cream. So, now I was not able to enjoy my beloved ice cream, it seemed also, my beloved snacks were to be off limits, too! (and Muffins, too!)
I bagged up all the snacks in my home that Now had Palm Oil and donated them to a worthy home. It was sad to have to say goodbye, but they went to a home that could love them… and where I would not be tormented by them in my sight.
The next time I went to the store, I spent at least an hour in the cracker aisle, looking for any crackers that did not have palm oil. I found some, but of course they were not varieties I liked, or worse, they were the Extremely expensive brands… The ones where you feel you should at least be wearing something fancy if you are going to consume them. Ugh. Here I go again… something I never had to give any thought to, now will poison me if I am not careful.
The hardest part is the few without palm oil are the ones I can’t enjoy. So, my snack cupboard remains an empty space… very symbolic.
Every now and then, I find a random cracker brand, or flavor that looks promising, and I buy it. Each time, I am disappointed. There was a reason I chose Cheezits as my favorite for my whole life… and none others will fill that void.
Today, I was pleasantly surprised to find a new Triscuit Cracker. It was called Triscuit Thins, and Was Cheese Flavored, too! I had not had a Triscuit in so many years I cannot recall when it was I last had one. I have never disliked Triscuits, just never got excited about them. Also the fact that they are in the higher-priced range of crackers, plus you get a teeny-tiny box for that high price, I have not ever gone to buy them. But today, with the discovery of This one with Cheese… And No Palm Oil, I bought the box!
I’ll bet you are still wondering how any of this connects to my dead Gramma, right? I’m getting’ to that! Be patient… hehe.
When I got home from the store, as usual, I like to snack while putting the groceries away. And Often, I will choose to snack on The new item I have brought home, excited to try this new discovery. So, I opened the box of Triscuits. As soon as I opened the box, the long-ago-familiar smell of those Triscuit Crackers hit me. I did not at first connect what I smelled with what my mind was remembering… Until I took that first bite. Oh MY GOD! It’s Gramma! I tasted Gramma!!! I smelled Gramma, and Tasted Gramma!! I was suddenly a kid again in Gramma’s kitchen snacking on Triscuits with her! Now don’t get all weird and think the cracker tasted like Gramma’s flesh, or anything like that. It was at THAT Moment I recalled the last time I had eaten Triscuit Crackers! Triscuits were Gramma’s cracker, like Cheezits were mine.
I Found Gramma in A Box of Triscuits!! My Gramma died long ago, and I have never felt this feeling of “Her” since even many years before she died. I am not even sure when she died, or if she was buried, or cremated… or even where the remains in whatever form were placed. (Not to sound insensitive, but I had said goodbye to Gramma many years before she actually died, and whatever, or wherever I was in my life at the time of her actual death did not make an impact on me in the sense that I needed to mark it on a calendar.) Actually, I bet that last bit makes you think I am really insensitive, huh? I guess you’ll just hafta sit and chat with me about death sometime to fully understand my views, huh? Insensitive, no… different about many of the things we experience, yes. Her death definitely impacted me… Often in more deep-ways than you might first imagine. I have interesting ways of dealing with death, loss, suffering, and how it affects my life, and how I move forward.
Enough about her death.
Tonight, I found Gramma in a Box of Triscuits!! This was enough of an impact that I immediately turned on the computer and started writing about this. (well, as soon as I put away the groceries, anyhow) I had a huge list of things I wanted to accomplish tonight, since it was the end of my weekend, and this coming week will prove to be more hectic than many of the past have. Also, this week will mark the end of one chapter in my life, and the beginning(s) of many new chapters. The last thing I intended to do was write a blog… until I Found Gramma In a Box of Triscuits.
This Gramma I mention is the one I have written about at least in a dozen different blogs. She was My Mom’s Mom. Technically, she was a “Grandma”, but we called her Gramma. As a kid, I cherished every moment I ever got to spend with her, and I never felt like I did not belong, or that somehow she just tolerated me. She was always a mix of The Country-Club Queen, and The Get-Dirty in the Garden Gal. She was the perfect blend between high-society-social parties, and talking silly using pig-latin at the dinner table kind of lady. She went easily from pearls and heels, to nudist in the mud. She could set-up The Perfect Formal Dinner in her dining room, and an hour later, transform that same room into a fort made of couch-cushions, sheets, and pillows for us to have sleep-overs in. She was the one who everyone felt safe and comfortable naked around, yet she would be the first to point out the funny lines left by a chair on your butt. How, you might ask do Triscuits fit into all of this? Simple: Triscuits were Gramma’s Cracker. No matter the level of class, or how down n dirty she got, Triscuits were the cracker she had for all to enjoy. She always served cheese with the Triscuits, too. So this box of Cheese-Triscuits I opened and ate tonight, unleashed a flood of memories that I had not felt since at least 33 years ago!!
The last time I remember feeling this was when I was 12. Tonight when I stood in the kitchen eating my Triscuits, I found Gramma in That Box. So, No matter how, or where her remains were placed when she died so long ago, I found where they went… They somehow went to The Nabisco Plant, and found This Box of Triscuits, to come and visit Me! I never imagined I would feel that feeling ever again. Tonight, I was taken back to a world long lost. A world where everything was safe, a world where no matter what was happening, once you were at Gramma’s house, it would all be ok.
Triscuits… Who woulda thunkit? And to think… maybe I am allergic to all my favorites so I would find these Triscuits, and Feel Gramma once again… Everything happens for a reason… Gramma, Thank You for The Triscuits!...
… Now I think I will go built a sheet and couch-cushion fort to sleep in tonight.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Clothed in Trust:
What Does it take For You To Be Free?
When You Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable...
When You Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable...
The Very First Time I ever Wore a G-String...And Publicly, too!
This is a Story about the one time I dressed as Peter Pan, and I bet you are wondering how the subject of wearing a G-string could possibly relate to The Peter Pan Character...
and How it Connects to TRUST... It really does all connect:
Sometimes, I can be seen in an outfit, or fun item that will make ya wonder, even consider that I may in fact be a bit Crazy. I will not deny this. I would absolutely love to wear stuff that suits my personality All The Time! … But our world seems to dictate how much we can actually be unique based on their own fears, not on the person who wants to be different. For those times when you see me wearing something so whacky that you wonder how I got the determination, or even the guts to do it… There is One thing that is a key factor: TRUST.
What I wear, depends a lot on whether or not I trust those I am around. The same goes for what I Don’t wear. For so much of my young life, I was happily a nudist. I learned early on who I could trust, and when it was safe to let my guard down, and be free. Even after the age of twelve, when I went into mostly hiding my nakedness, I found those I could trust, and would allow them to see me at my most vulnerable. It is not just about naked, that is just a good representation, and parallel to illustrate vulnerability.
Some of my most fun outfits, costumes, shenanigans, and freedoms to be uniquely me, and not worry one bit about what others will say, do, or how they might harm me have come Only when I am able to trust those I am around. When you see me dressed in completely “normal” clothing (well, as ‘normal’ as I will ever get!), that tells you something is missing in the trust department. This usually happens once I have been harmed, and have figured out that by being my unique self, it actually brings, invites, and encourages attacks. I occasionally will revert to only wearing simple clothes, a simple hat, and trying hard to make sure I do not in any way stand out. When you see me like this, you know something is not balanced in my world.
On the other end of that spectrum however, If you see me being silly, wearing items that make me completely stand-out, or absolutely not look like I wanna blend-in, then you know everything is perfect in that area. (or at least in the moment, very safe, very comfortable, and I can be free). This is how I am when you see me playing with my ducks, or other silly objects. When I am creating the fun photos y’all see, it is when I am in a safe place.
Writing yesterday about wearing my Christmas G-string, During the entire time I was writing, and even re-reading, after I published it, I had one feeling that came to mind: TRUST. When I’ve been free enough to wear that G-string for Kara, and even when I wore it in The Wetlands, and posted the pictures publicly, I KNEW I was in a place where I could Trust those around me. Trust is a huge factor in my word.
No matter how many insecurities I have, if I trust you, I likely will do almost anything with you. If I trust you, I just might surprise myself, with what I would do around you, for you, or even with you! Some of the most rewarding experiences of my life have come when I am with someone, or many who I trust. Often, I do not even realize how comfortable I have gotten with a person, until after an event, or time when I look back on it, and go: “WoW! That person has my trust!”
I was reminded of a time long ago when I wore a G-string… sorta…. It was in October of 2009. I was living in a house full of people, each having varying degrees of “alternate Living” Lifestyles. I use that term simply to not label any one type, or in any way point out what one’s own lifestyle was. We each fit into the category of “alternate” in different ways. One of the girls was having a birthday party, just before Halloween, and had decided to make it a costumed party. Not necessarily a Halloween costume, just a costume. It was deemed to be a “Very Free” lifestyle party, meaning nothing was really off-limits. The other “rule” was that you had to create a costume on “dollar-store” items… Meaning anything you wore needed to be VERY inexpensive, and could possibly be obtained at dollar stores. This allowed for creativity, and also encouraged the use of things you might not otherwise use… making the imagination play an important part.
All the people in this house, and that would attend this party were very safe to me, and I trusted them. They accepted me as a nudist. Heck, they accepted Me!
Now, I bet you are wondering where the “G-String” I mentioned earlier comes into play? Well, read on, and you will see!
So, mentioning this party idea to a coworker, and tossing about possible ideas, He suggested I go as a Disney Character… More Specifically, Peter Pan. Well, this got me thinking of the green tights, funny tunic, etc. My friend grinned, and then told me what he meant… Well, rather than explain it to you, how about I just show a picture….
Ok, So Now You Know It was Not The Peter Pan in green tights that could fly….
…but rather A Pan Over My Peter! (the robe was simply because this was Oregon, and It Was Cold!!)
And the “G-String”?... Well, that was how I held the pan in place! I gotta say, this was My Very First Time Ever wearing ANYTHING Like this!! I was mortified, but knew it would a fun night! The pan was of course Ice-cold, so I had to preheat it so it would not freeze parts. (I just soaked it in warm water before wearing it.) And to fasten it…. Well, the term G-String took on a whole new meaning this night!! G… for Groin. String… well, it was rope (or string)… so there ya have it! It was definitely not the most comfortable way to wear it! But it did the job… sorta. Initially I had attempted to just tie the rope around my waist, and thru the handle. But that left an awful lot of sway in the pan. (I don’t know if you’ve ever had a rogue cast-iron skillet flopping about near your parts, but that only leaves room for instant damage!!) not to mention inadvertent flashing of those who did not wish to see what was inside the pan! So, I needed to create a more-secure way to wear the pan. Thus the g-string. To say it was a wee-bit uncomfortable to have a rope up my butt is an understatement! (and If I ever do that again, I will use something a tad softer, maybe even a bit wider!) After a few attempts, I succeeded in creating an effective g-string.
The costume was a total success, and everyone absolutely loved it! Much to my chagrin, they seemed to like it a bit too much…. It was a good thing I trusted everyone there, because they were not shy about “inspecting” how I did it. That night, I had more people literally playing with that area than I’ve ever had in my life! Nobody did anything sexual, they simply were curious, and knowing I would allow their curiosities, they allowed themselves the freedom to explore. I likely would have done the same if they were the ones wearing it! Most people wanted to inspect the rope, and see how I managed to tie it, where it did, or did not go. Some wanted to see if there was anything worn under the pan, or if I had lined the pan with anything soft. Their concern was about chaffing, scraping, or other possible complications that could arise. (speaking of arise… Well, maybe I won’t tell about that…) many wanted to see “how many sausage and eggs fit in that pan” and even wanted to see how they fit. Everyone took plenty of pictures, from every angle, and some at very close-range. To say I was safe, and trusted them all was an understatement! That night, I was SOO safe, comfortable, and trusted all of them!
Just a Note about all the curiosities, and "exploring" of my regions: I treat others the way I would want to be treated. So many people are so guarded, and not willing to allow another's curiosites. So often, when a person is curious and not intending any harm, simply wanting to grow, learn, understand, gain knowlege, they are rebuked, scorned, and made to feel ashamed for even asking. I was fortunate to have found many in my early years who actually encouraged and welcomed these curiosities. I learned that if approached in a non-harmful, desire of learning way, most of the time, it is mutually rewarding for each person involved. (The curious one learns, and often so does the one being asked!) Sure, there were plenty that did not encourage this, but fortunately, there were many who Did encourage learning! So, when others approach me in this manner, as long as I trust them, I will allow the curiosities, touches, explorations, and it usually turns out that we both learn something from the experience! Often, sadly, our society seems to scorn, or look down upon these curiosites, learnings, understandings, so many times, we are forced to "Not Tell Anyone", which is truly sad. Any curiosities in this department are summarily categorized into "sexual" behavior, instead of simply learning about the human body.
Well, in the comfort department, I was not comfortable in the sense of how my costume fit, and especially when I tried to sit down while we played board games! I had not planned for how things would shift, and especially how the rope would dig-in!! Also along with the rope going tighter, the pan also did not remain where it was supposed to. Eventually, it got too awkward, parts were not remaining inside the pan, and it was just plain uncomfortable, and I was cold, so I went down to my room and took it all off. I put baby powder all over my region, and let is soothe me… Then I put something soft and warm on and went back upstairs.
Of all the photos taken by everyone that night, I never saw any of them. The only photo I have is one that was taken with my own camera (the one I posted above). I am sure somewhere in the great web, there are photos floating around of details of that costume… And again, it’s a good thing I trust those people, because otherwise I might have reason to worry… Grin!
So, as you go through life, may you find people you can trust, people who encourage you to be free, explore your desires, and find your Peter Pan! (Just be careful when you sit while wearing a Cast Iron Skillet, and a Rope G-string!)
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Do Pretzels and G-strings have anything in Common?
And How can a “Five-Minute-Quickie” be completely non-sexual?? Wait, what!??
Who would have thought that by simply buying a Giant Pretzel and having a daily “Five-Minute-Quickie” could lead to me buying a G-string… and More specifically, A Christmas G-string, Complete with bells!! Wait, What?!
Yep, Leave it to me to connect the subject of a Pretzel as an after-work snack with a Thrift-store-find of a Christmas G-String…. And the “Quickie”? And how on Earth could all this be anything but Sexual?? THAT IS THE BEST PART! It has Absolutely Nothing Sexual about any of it! You will just hafta read more to understand…
Sometimes, no matter how well we think we know our own self, there is occasionally something that happens to make us find out we really are not as set-in-stone as we think, or as firm on what we think we will, or will not do. Occasionally, even something you only saw as “sexual” can suddenly be the exact opposite. This is my story about allowing myself to buy, wear, and even share publicly A Christmas G-String (complete with bells!)
Have you ever met someone that manages to challenge you in so many wonderful ways? A person who somehow has the ability to allow you to open-up even more than you ever thought would happen? A person who somehow manages to get you talking openly about things you thought you’d long ago said all there was to say? A person who manages to even make you consider doing, or wearing something you would have previously thought you would absolutely NEVER do?
My friend Kara has done exactly that. Kara has become a trusted, valued friend. She has managed to show me how caring, safe, and comfortable someone can be. Kara has managed, without even trying, just by being her normal self, has helped me learn more, explore more, and embrace more of what, who, and why I am the way I am. (I bet that sentence muggled your brain, huh?)
Now, before anyone gets the idea that Kara is my girlfriend…. Nope! I am not interested in having, or finding a girlfriend. Nor, is she interested in finding or having a boyfriend. We each have plenty to take care of in our own lives, and are not interested in complicating life more with that sort of relationship. I know from life, that most people cannot fathom a man and a woman being friends, simply friends, with NO Sexual interactions, desires, or temptations. But those people have never really gotten to know who I am, or what I am all about. Simply put, I am Non-sexual. Period. I absolutely love the genuine friendship that can be had, and absolutely do not want anything more.
I met Kara well over a year ago, and at the very first time we met, we managed to find plenty to talk about. She was working at a Kiosk in Downtown Las Vegas. More specifically, she was working where I liked to stop daily for a snack after work. This Kiosk sold many items, and like so many places, it also offered those wonderful Giant Pretzels. There were easily a dozen places I could get a pretzel, but This Kiosk happened to feel the most comfortable, plus the employees were always friendly, liked to get to know their customers, and made each one feel important, welcome, and cared about. I could easily have gotten the same snack, or an equivalent anywhere, but I was always drawn back here. I had been going to this kiosk long before Kara began working there. I was a regular, and all I had to do was become visible, and the workers knew what I wanted, often placing my pretzel in the toasting machine before I even got to the counter. This same was true on Kara’s first day. I walked toward the kiosk, and the lady training Kara told her what I wanted before I even got there. Of course, Kara looked at me like “Why is He so Special?”, but not in a mean way, more of a curious way. The other lady introduced us, and We immediately found plenty to talk about. That day was the beginning of a friendship.
I do not often, easily let others into my world, or even feel comfortable being welcomed into their world. I often am a loner, or socially awkward enough that the social-necessities that often accompany getting to know someone, or even to be comfortable in allowing them to know details about who I am, are guarded. That is one reason photography, and blogging has become so valuable to me. By allowing others to view my life through my photography, and even my writing, it allows me to open the door, but at their leisure, comfort, and even how much they want to know, or see… by their own choosing. Often, the way people find they are comfortable with me is by working with me, allowing the interactions of a stressful day, but also allowing the playfulness, and often unguarded moments slip when we are focused more on our job, than on our own fears. Most people I have ever called a good friend I met through work. I have a few valued friends I have met though by being their neighbor, or even in a roommate situation. I have a few rare ones that I have met online, through mostly photography, and common interests. I have even fewer that have become friends solely on chance meetings, and interactions having nothing to do with work, home, or anything online… but those are a cherished few! Kara is one of those. (I could list others, but this writing is about Kara, and the G-string)
Kara was different. Kara let herself into my world, not by curiously seeking my photos, or even my blogging. In fact, she seldom saw any of my stuff online. She chose to get to know me through five-minute interactions, one day at a time. Each day I would come to get my pretzel, she would not just greet me as another customer. She would look into my eyes, ask questions, listen with her heart and her soul. Of course, I absolutely love getting to know a person’s mind, and hers was one I felt welcome to pick! We each allowed ourselves to be free, comfortable, and open. Most days we only interacted about five, maybe ten minutes at a time. Some days, more. But our friendship, and getting to know one another was based solely on what I call “The five-minute Quickie!” hehe…
The “Five-Minute Quickie” is that interaction you get from a person who happens to work at a place where you are a customer. You have usually less than five-minutes each time you visit that place to interact with the employee, and likewise, that employee has less than five minutes to interact with the customer. If that employee is good and passionate about customer service, not just about getting each customer served, there can be an incredible amount of satisfaction on both sides. If both the employee, and the customer find ways to make that short interaction both pleasant, and intellectually stimulating, it can be extremely satisfying. It becomes something that as a regular, both the employee, and the customer look forward to daily. These interactions are what I often refer to as a “Quickie”… or more specifically, The Five-Minute-Quickie. There is something wonderful about knowing you will always get that smile, that caring interaction, and that oh-so-brief-lift in your day. Every place I have lived, I have found at least one spot that fill this niche. Sometimes, it is a coffee place. Sometimes it is a hot dog, or burger place. Sometimes, it is a bus driver, or other service worker you see daily. Once I have found a satisfying “Quickie” I am usually Very Loyal, and even refer my friends to the same person. I “jokingly” also refer to whoever is that quickie provider as (depending on their gender) either a “Girlfriend” or “Boyfriend”…. But not in any sort of romantic, sexually, committed relationship sort of way. For example: She’s my Coffee Girlfriend. Or He’s My Hot Dog Boyfriend. These are the people who I find a “Five Minute Quickie” with on a regular basis. They of course are completely harmless, completely non-sexual, and if anything just a quick flirtation. And, No, it does not matter, Male or Female, because it is not anything to do with sex. Yup, I am secure enough to say I have a "Hot Dog Boyfriend!" Grin!
In Kara’s case, I called her “My Downtown Girlfriend”… and told people She was My Downtown Quickie. Those who get to know me totally understand the humor, and what that means, knowing it is non-sexual, or even no more than simply that interaction. But Kara managed to make it more than simply a five-minute quickie, and more than just a “downtown Girlfriend”. Nothing about me had scared her or even made her keep a distance. She also valued who I am, and included me in more than just that kiosk interaction. We found we have similar backgrounds, and could connect on many of life’s happenings. Sometimes, our own schedules made it so we did not see one another for more than a week. Sometimes, by chance, we would happen to momentarily meet at a bus stop, as we each were catching separate busses. Many times, we knew that even a brief “Hi” was something to cherish. Often, we could only interact for brief moments. We each had only begun to disclose some of the details that we both wanted to know more about with the other.
One day, I happened to catch the same bus she had just gotten on. She was heading home, and asked if I wanted to come meet her dog. Of Course I did! This was huge in the trust, friendship, and letting down of barriers that we as humans tend to place in our way. She was happy to show me where she lived (even tho’ she’d already told me, showing me was different.) She had no worries about letting me into her home, and meeting her dog.
Many times, she invited me to come swimming, and most times, our schedules just did not work. Often, we planned to have lunch, and that too seemed to never happen.
She knew I was a nudist, and even though she wanting absolutely never to see me naked, she still accepted me. (And I accepted her, knowing that I could never truly let myself be free around her.) We literally talked about every subject you could imagine, even the things about the human body associated with nakedness. We talked about embarrassments, modesty, acceptance, our own dislikes about our own bodies, and the way others saw us. We talked about what we hid from others, how we made sure to never let our barriers down, how cautious we were about so many of life’s things that had caused us pain, embarrassment, or humiliation. We talked about everything, openly.
One day, the swim-day finally happened. (yes, in a public pool with swimsuits… no skinny dippin’!)To me, it was a huge event. Going swimming, to me, is one of The Most Vulnerable activities I could ever do. To me, it creates vulnerabilities, and opportunity for criticism, mean comments. For some reason, more harm has come to my heart by swimming than any other activity. While swimming is one of My all time favorite things to do, it is also one of my most feared! Some of the greatest memories in life come from swimming, or activities directly connected. But also, some of my greatest setbacks also have come from swimming. Some of the biggest walls I have ever put around my heart, soul, and body come from swimming. Agreeing to go swimming would place both of us in an extremely vulnerable place. We both have such deep issues regarding our bodies. Often, before I have ever been swimming with anyone, they have seen me in various states of undress, often even naked. Often before swimming, usually that person and I have had other items we had spent casual time doing. Often I had seen the other in various stages of dress, or undress, too. It is funny how I could be naked and not feel as vulnerable as I do in a swimsuit. But this day was fully a swimsuit day… In fact it was not just a swimsuit, but also a pair of athletic shorts underneath to be sure I allowed no visibilities of any details of what was below the swim trunks. I am not like most men, in that I wear traditional swim trunks… ya know the ones with only a three or four inch inseam, instead of those baggy pants that come down below the knees. This too would allow an opportunity for mocking, criticism, and other potential harmful comments. I was scared to death!! But I still went… and even tho’ I was scared, I knew she was safe. I Knew (and Hoped!)
The day of the swimming, we did not go to the pool as soon as I got there. Instead, we talked for hours about some of our more in-depth pasts. We talked, let ourselves be free, and trusted. She asked me more about my love of being naked, knowing I had such insecurities about my own body. She had still never seen any pictures of me, nor seen my body in any revealing way, so it was still going to be hard for me to allow her to see me in a swimsuit. While we were talking, her friend Sarah showed up unexpectedly. She seemed nervous with what was happening in her own life to have me suddenly there… so to relax her, I invited her to swim with us. Sarah did not have anything to wear, so I joked about “we should just go naked”. Sarah laughed at this, but Kara was not about to entertain that thought! (and it was a public pool, so it likely would be frowned upon). She found a pair of shorts, and a bra (which was too big for Sarah, but would keep her from being seemingly naked… although as soon as she was in the water, it only enhanced how it did not cover… but we all were comfortable with this, and it helped me to forget my own vulnerabilities. Sarah was not shy, nor worried about what showed, using the bra and shorts as only visual covers, not truly hiding anything. I had arrived at Kara’s already wearing my swim trunks, plus my shorts under for full-hiding-cover. This eliminated the dreaded getting undressed, and into my swimsuit there.
We went swimming. We relaxed. None of us worried, or made the other feel vulnerable, or uncomfortable. It was absolutely safe, comfortable, and fun! Not once was anything said about my body, nor even once was it stared-at like it was the weirdest thing they’d ever seen! I think this was the very first time in my life this had happened! Kara did not realize that day how much she did for me. It was a huge thing for me!! She accepted me, and did not once use my body against me in any way! I had already known Kara was safe, and I hoped I could trust her. That day, she showed me more trust than I ever could have imagined! That to me is The Most valuable thing ever!!
Another swim day never came up, as our schedules just never matched. Also, the kiosk she worked at changed ownership, and The Pretzels were no longer sold there. She still worked there, so of course I would go and visit regularly. We continued to talk more about life, and anything that came up. We were both safe, comfortable, and trusted the other. This was friendship!.... Ahhh.
We discussed more about my naked lifestyle, and also how she never would want to see me naked. I understood this, and would never try and force anyone to see naked if they do not want to. It is a huge part of who I am, but also a part of this world that most do not welcome. Kara is not alone in this area. I am used to having to enjoy my naked activities without those I call my closest friends. Sure, it saddens me, but at the same time, I value that I even have friends to share parts of my life with. I would not be so selfish to only accept another human in my world Only if I could be naked near them. I have found some who do welcome naked, even find they themselves can enjoy being naked, when they had thought previously they could not. I cherish each person for who they are, and allow them to fit into my world wherever it is they fit… comfortably.
Last Thanksgiving, Kara invited me to join her. I accepted. This is also huge, because as a general rule, I Never go to anyone’s home for Thanksgiving, and also seldom, if ever eat turkey. But I accepted her invite, and actually was looking forward to the turkey, too! During this Thanksgiving, I pulled some of my previous blogs up for her to read. She had not read any of these before, So this too was a new look into my world… a view she had only glimpsed through our talks. One of the blogs I briefly showed her was about Naked Snow Angels… and without forcing nudity on her, showed her one photo of my naked backside, wearing Fairy-wings, in the snow. She absolutely loved this, and told me how The Butt is totally acceptable naked, it was just the front she wished to not see. I also could understand this! I loved that she was comfortable with the butt, and found it to be harmless. I showed her a few more of my naked backside, and saw from watching her that she actually enjoyed this, and was not in any way threatened, uncomfortable, or even just “tolerating” it. So, it seemed we established that as long as she only saw my butt, not my penis, it would be acceptable.
In December, I moved into an apartment in Downtown Vegas, instead of where I had been living way out in the ghetto. I was now centrally located, and my home was convenient in Kara’s daily comings and goings. She would now stop in for a chat, or just to say hi. Each time, making sure to tell me before she came to be sure I had clothes on.
Several months later in February, I took both Her and Sarah shopping at thrift stores. At first Kara n Sarah were not sure about shopping with a guy for clothes, so I just let them peruse the women’s clothes, while I went through the rest of the store. In the Men’s corner, somehow, I happened to spot a Funny Christmas G-string. For some reason, I actually picked it up, looked at it with a humorous grin, and noticed it was close to my size. Why on Earth I even ever looked at it, or picked it up, I could not tell ya! All my life, I have viewed G-strings, in any fashion as purely sexual, purely for the “Look at me”, “Look, I am drawing attention to my penis”, or “Look at this package”. Sure, I have seen some funny ones over the years, and even appreciated those I have seen wearing them… but that was for them, not for me. For me, it screamed “sexual” or “attention to the penis” when all my life, that was the last thing I ever wanted, or desired. I had come to the conclusion that there was no way, and no reason I EVER would wear one. Period.
I ventured back to where Sarah n Kara were shopping. They noticed I was truly aware of women’s clothes, and even was admiring various items, talking to them about what would fit, and what would not. I have always enjoyed shopping with women, and find it quite a good way to connect. Somehow in discussions of various items we looked at, the topic of covering, or revealing came up. Sarah joking asked if I’d wear something she held up, and even some of the other ladies in the area got into the fun with me, too. Then I told them about the G-String I had seen, thinking every one of them would laugh, but not one would find it acceptable to even mention, or to possibly entertain the idea of actually wearing it. Kara was the first to show excitement about it.
I was a bit surprised! Kara actually seemed enthusiastic about the idea of me wearing a Christmas G-string! And the others all chimed-in, too!! I was kinda baffled, and even thought they were mocking me. But It was genuine enough that I asked further. Kara did not look one-bit embarrassed, but very happy to explain that it would make it comical, and fun, instead of in any way sexual. She even expressed how it would “Cover your thingy”. Which made me smile. (she would not say the word “penis” ever). She explained how if she came over to my place, I could wear that and for me, it would be “like naked” but for her it would make it comfortable. I was interested, and curious about this thought-process. She got my attention, since I had never looked at it that way. The idea that it could be purely fun, not in any way drawing attention to “my thingy” was a whole new concept for me! I asked some more, and even ALL the ladie (some old, some young) agreed with Kara.
Still not so sure, I decided the only way to convince them this was not gonna be good was to go back and get it, bringing it to them for them to see it themselves. I was positive that just seeing it in my hands, they would insist they were wrong, and wanted me to put it back quickly. Well, to my surprise, and even a little bit of embarrassment, they had the opposite reaction! They wanted me to try it on right there and show them! I was not about to do THAT!... But I had seen a different view on this than I ever had before. I DID Hold it up in front of me, and watched their reactions. They all agreed they liked it, and I should buy it… after all, even if I NEVER wore it, it would be worth the dollar just to have bought it. So I did.
I took it home that day, thinking I really never would wear it… Although I did put it on, and take pictures, just for grins and giggles. Then I tucked it away, thinking I might tease Kara about wearing it sometime, but likely never would. Just the fact that she had convinced me to buy it, and I even put it on, AND Took pictures… That was a huge step! Kara was someone I trusted, and I valued that she got me to look at it differently.
Many months went by, and I never got the opportunity to wear it. Each time she happened to stop by, I was usually on my way out to work, and was already dressed… Or I had just happened to have been outside, and already had clothes on. So it seemed that while we both joked about it, I likely would never really wear it for her. But it still made us both smile at the thought of it. Simply the thought that we had both agreed to this was huge!
Then in May, She was coming by, and texted me to let me know she was on her way. I was in the shower at the time, so I saw my opportunity to surprise her with the g-string. I had barely gotten out of the shower as she arrived. My front door was already open, with just a curtain across the opening. I was still mostly wet, and as she came to my door, I put the g-string on. She said “Knock Knock”. I told her through the curtain, I had just barely gotten outta the shower. She hesitantly said, “so you are still naked…” I pulled the curtain back, knowing she expected to see me naked, and watched as she realized I was not naked, but was wearing her g-sting. The look of pure delight, surprise, relief, and absolute joy was perfect! She smiled hugely, and hugged me. As she hugged me, I wondered how she felt about hugging me while mostly naked. She did not seem to feel like it was in any way uncomfortable, or weird. Then had me step back so she could look. She was grinning so big! I was totally nervous, mortified, scared, and not sure what to expect. The smile on her face made me relax. She asked if she could take pictures. I told her “Of Course!” I knew I had come a long ways, and if I was willing to allow pictures, AND for her to examine me more while wearing this, she was Absolutely safe, comfortable, and one of my most trusted friends! Plus I valued her opinion, and was happy to allow her to have this “thrill”. I had to admit, while it was scary, it also was a thrill to me, too! Not a thrill in any sort of sexual way, but a thrill in a “new-found freedom, new-found acceptance, and new-way to view something I had previously been closed-minded about. Of course I was nervous! But when she showed how comfortable it was for her, I knew it had its purpose. I guarantee if I had been naked, she would not have been even able to hug me, or look at me, and would have been totally flustered.
|Kara's View, and The Picture she took!|
|How I greeted Kara... and The Picture she took!|
I am sure even just greeting her in underwear would not have been so good. Besides, I am more unique than just to greet someone in underwear... For it to be me, It's gotta be different! Also, This G-string was perfect because of how she helped me to decide to buy it, especially for her comfort, And because of the silliness of it being a Christmas G-string (complete with Bells!).
Then later in May, I went to one of my favorite places to escape, and took this G-string with me to The Wetlands. No, Kara would not have been there, but I had another fun idea. For a while, I have entertained the idea of wearing some funky-silly outfit out hiking, simply for the fun photos I could create. I am always looking for fun ideas for my photos (often they just happen, and not much planning is needed). Many times, the places I end up taking naked pictures of myself, or the funny props I manage to place in front of my naked body make the scene so much more fun. So this Christmas G-string idea, out hiking in the desert, or in a waterfall, or some other idea just made me laugh. I knew if I took a picture of me wearing this out in nature, and sent it to her, it would make her smile.... Here, You Decide:
Just a couple weeks ago, I had done the same thing, and while I was not sure I would stop and see her after leaving the wetlands, I took it with me, just for fun. Late that night, I stopped by her home on my way back into town. She was home, and happy to have me stop by. We had already planned to go shopping the next day. It was late, and we were both exhausted, so she asked if I wanted to sleep on her couch, saving me a trip home and back, plus we could have a chance to talk. I agreed.
After my shower, I put on the short shorts. She did not mind these either. She was truly comfortable, safe, and I could trust her. She knows how much I love naked, so She told me I was more than welcome to be naked, sleep naked, and relax naked after she went to bed in her room, and since she would not likely be awake before me, it would not bother her. I did end up naked, although I had not really planned to be (somehow, I lost my shorts in the couch during the night, and when I woke, briefly on the floor, I had no idea where they were. I was under a blanket, so just remained naked, and went back to sleep.) She did wake in the morning before I did, and took her dog out. I woke briefly when she came through the living room, and told her I was naked, and lost my shorts. She laughed, and was not freaked out by this. This also was huge! She was comfortable with me being naked in her home… just not showing her. She told me she was going back to sleep, left the dog with me, but also left her door open this time. She, too was comfortable sleeping with me there, knowing I was naked. I slept a bit more, then got up, made coffee, looked through the photos I’d taken the day before, and relaxed. I even got some writing done. I did all this naked while she slept. And it felt comfortable, not like I was sneaking, or getting away with anything. Then I went to shower. She still had not waken, but I was not worried, she needed her rest. After my shower, I put on the Christmas G-string, and relaxed some more, still out in the living room.
Around three, I decided it was time to wake her so we could get going for shopping, and I could get home before late. I went in to wake her wearing the G-string. She smiled. She really enjoyed that I could wear this around her. Her words were “It’s so fun, and Like you are naked, but not!” Then as she walked down the hall behind me, she laughed as she looked at my butt in my G-string. It was a good laugh, not a mean laugh. She really enjoyed what this did for each of us. I stayed in my G-string until the laundry was finished, and we dressed to leave. The whole time I was wearing my G-string, she did not once look uncomfortable, or like it was weird. She actually seemed to not have a care in the world about it…other than the times it made her grin a bit. I gotta admit, I am QUITE Surprised how much a G-string can make for a comfortable situation, and how helpful it really can be!
Perhaps you are of the belief (like I Was) that a G-string has to be sexual. Perhaps you could find a friend that will help you get out of your comfort zone, help you to seek new ventures, new discoveries, and a new way to look at something you thought you never could, or would! I have found some incredible joy in discovering new ways to approach things that might otherwise have created a problem. Even at 45 years of age, I am open to admitting I may need to change some of my views. I am thankful for a friend like Kara that will help me to explore, understand, and accept a new way of looking at things! Who knows what I might find comfort, acceptance, and trust in as I grow, learn , explore, and welcome new things to help those of us who occupy this world we live in. I Hope you have a Wonderful Day!