Betty, I am Sorry

It wasn’t you. It was Me.

I am 47 and I think I might finally be growing-up.

I owe an apology and a hug to someone I hurt 10 years ago.
Betty. I am sorry.
You have been on my heart a lot this week. Actually lots more than this week. You have been on my heart since I hurt you ten years ago. But most of that time was filled with resentment, hatred, and anger. This last month, I realized I was the one who hurt you.

~Gasp! Whaaaat?? You mean I might have been wrong? You mean I might have learned, grown, and finally seen the view from another’s eyes??  As shocking as this may be to some, I actually do this quite often. I love learning, having my eyes opened, and growing in life. What is shocking is that it took me ten years to notice it this time.

Sooo, why am I actually saying I am sorry to someone ten years later, instead of just letting it go, and forgetting about it? Someone who I have not seen, or heard from in ten-years, and have no idea if I would actually ever cross her path again? Because sometimes just letting it go will never close the wound. Sometimes we gotta do what is best for the one we hurt, and let them know we are sorry. 

Today is the start of my weekend. I usually like to just relax, sip my coffee, sort pictures from my last week’s journeys, and not have to do anything of real importance. Today, however, as soon as I began sipping my first cuppa coffee, I started putting my thoughts into words. I do not write as much anymore, although I really find writing my thoughts can be quite therapeutic. I seem to rather work on creative projects, be in the sun, and just let my mind wander without forming actual sensible thoughts. Today, I knew I needed to spend a couple hours finalizing what I felt for the past few weeks.

Ten years ago, was 2005. I was just beginning to learn who I truly was. I was learning to once again learn how to live naked, learn how to accept who I am, and allow some freedoms to be explored. My life was turned upside down, I was in turmoil with my employment, finances, and relationships. Nothing was stable, nothing was balanced. Everything was new, and I was struggling to find who I really was. I was not in a stable home-environment, and had no true place to call my home. I was offered a place to live by Betty. I will not go into the details of the living arrangement, nor details of other issues I was struggling with.

But Betty opened up her home, and provided me with an opportunity that at the time actually was a blessing.  For the most part, everything in the home was great. Some of my own insecurities became the issues, when she already knew who she was, and what her comfort-levels were. I took some of her comforts and how she openly said her views toward me personally, and hurtful. It has taken me 10-years to actually see how she was the one who had the freedom, expressed that freedom, and welcomed me to also accept that freedom. She accepted me for who I was, even though I had not yet figured all that out.  Her freedoms and expressions actually scared me. I tried to express my fear, but it never quite came out the right way. Mostly because I still had not figured-out who I really was.

What I find interesting is that there were four of us who lived in the same house. For the most part, it was totally safe, totally comfortable, and I should have realized how wonderful it was. But like I said, It was not you. It was me.

When I left, and how I left was wrong. I hurt a lot of people in the way I left. I have addressed many of those hurts through the years. Most I noticed right away. But this one took me ten-years to understand. For ten-years I carried the burden of what I thought was how I was the one who hurt. When it hit me last month, and I really started searching what I felt, believed, and understood, IT HIT ME HARD!

This past month, weeks, and days This has been totally in my heart, mind, and soul. It hurts. But somehow in a good way. Healing, learning, understanding is not always pleasant. But once I find why I was searching, feeling, and having it on my heart, and consuming my soul, The letting it be felt, and getting it out there is a freedom that is unmatched by anything else. It would be sooo much easier sometimes to just pretend it does not exist. But in my quest to be free, I must grab hold of the chains I have bound myself and others with, and learn to break to those chains, and let the other know I am releasing the chains.  It is not easy to actually notice sometimes the chains we are bound with are created by our own doing. And at the same time, we cast chains upon another that we never noticed, until we finally feel the weight holding us down when we try to fly free.

It is not so much that I am on a quest suddenly to be free, and have peace. This is something that has been a process since I finally realized in 2004 that I had put myself into a prison of chains for the previous 24 years. (I go into great detail about that imprisonment from the age of 12 thru the age of 36 in previous blogs, so will not go into those depths here.) But Once I realized Freedom and Peace are THE BEST places to be in life, I have sought every step of the journey to see how I could work more toward those destinations. I know all too well that these are not instant, nor immediate. I know it is a journey. Slowly, steadily, one step at a time. 

My All-time Favorite Keychain is this one:

Cara sent it to me right after I left Betty’s house in 2005. It has lost some of its sparkle, gems, and flair over the years, but it still holds the same meaning. It is on my keyring every day, everywhere I go. It is nestled right next to my pennies that contain: an Angel, a Cross, and a Smiley. It is true. The journey IS our daily life. Each step we take is going to take us one direction or another. In 2004, I discovered I needed to find that freedom. In 2005, I took a giant step that simultaneously launched me into a “New” freedom path, and at the same time launched me into a spiraling imprisonment. During that giant step, it was for the good and the bad simultaneously.

I learned from that almost instantly. I learned that to find freedom, it is not always good to take sudden drastic steps in another direction. I learned that those steps have consequences, set-backs, and create more-difficult chains to break. BUT I also learned that Letting go of things that are not healthy is a very positive step. Now I just needed to learn a balance, and to learn to let them go in a less-harsh manner.  In 2005, I was scared to admit some (Most!) of my feelings, beliefs, and thoughts. I felt it was best to just run from them.

In My Running, I learned more than I ever hoped I would. In the next ten years after that running, I have learned how to moderate the changes in a more-positive way. I have realized why I am on This Earth, why I am not yet allowed to die, and why I need to keep searching, learning, and moving one-step at a time. I have learned how to be more spiritually connected to the Universe, how to understand what is harmful, and what is helpful. I have learned how to accept others, the same as I would like them to accept me. I still have plenty to learn, and am by no means there yet. It is a Journey … One of which I am still meant to keep exploring, living, and understanding.

Betty, I know you probably do not fully understand everything I am saying, because I probably never told you, or made it very clear that I felt you hurt me. But I want to make sure You know I now know you never hurt me in any way. I hurt myself. I hurt you. I am Sorry. If and when our paths cross, I will happily give you a big Hug. (until a few months ago, I likely would have avoided you.) I am sorry.

I cannot change anything from the past, nor am I attempting to. I Can however admit that I was wrong, And let you know. 

Some people may wonder why I am publishing an appology in My Blog, instead of just privately sending it to Betty? Because in my quest to be free, I also have found that sharing my thoughts with others helps more than just me, or in this case more than just Betty. I make mistakes. I learn from my mistakes. I help others. If One person on this Earth sees this, and is inspired by it to make their world a happier place, then my effort is more than doubled. Also, I publish it to show I am not ashamed, or with to hide who I am. I publish it so those who wish to know me better can learn about me and my journey at their comfort-level. In all reality, I know I have hurt many along my journey in life. I want everyone to know I seek to make those hurts better, and am not proud of them.

Now, enough of this Mushy-stuff! Let's get back to the Silly, goofy stuff! :)

OK, OK, so I started the blog with "I might finally be growing up" ... Let's not get too drastic. I will still always embrace the kid-at-heart approach in life. Remember, I also said "Nothing drastic" ...

~BACON~! Always A Good thing, Right??

~BACON~!! 

I Was Soo Excited to cook bacon again! It Was Beautiful, Smelled great and Looked so Delicious! ... Until I caught my kitchen on fire ~=:-/

NEW RULE! NEVER ~EVER~! Use generic lightweight tinfoil again. ~EVER~!

I Just wish someone had caught the whole scene on camera!! Imagine a Naked person happily dancin' around his kitchen, making and sending snapchats to friends, even sharing a short-video of the pancake on the stove, and the bacon perfectly sizzling in the oven. The choreography is beautiful. Then Imagine watching that same choreographed beauty change as the kitchen was suddenly on fire! ... ~oh that scene was mad hilarious. 

It has been a long long time since I have written a blog. This is not because there is nothing exciting in my life to write about, but the exact opposite! My life is so full of Incredibly blessed daily activities, creative projects, and Things that enrich and nourish my soul, that I just have not had time to sit on the computer and write.

Today is no different. I have a million things that are incredibly wonderful, and lots of creative projects in the works. I decided to come write while I let the Smoke clear, the stove cool, and the unburned bacon grease to fully cool before I attempt any more clean up. Besides, This story is too freakin funny to not put into words!

So, Yesterday while shopping, I decided to reward myself with some Bacon. Yes, Reward. No I am not on a diet, or anything like that. I have been diligent about not splurging at the store, not buying treats, or spending more money that I absolutely had to. You see, almost a year ago, I ended up living in one of those Weekly rental motel places, and spending a fortune, going in debt, and struggling to even afford food weekly. Well, in February, I finally got my own "affordable" apartment. But the debt was still chasing me. I have worked hard this past five months to get my expenses manageble, and attempt to get those debts (which were threatening to sue/ garnish, etc under control.) Well, that has been quite the accomplishment! I am now current and have nobody's lawyers chasing me. That is a HUGE relief! So I decided a reward of Bacon was justified. 

I looked over the entire 12-foot section of Bacon many many times. I could have simply gone with the store-brand-cheapest bacon for less than 3-bucks. It would count as bacon, and still feel like a huge reward. But, No. I finally decided on the $7 for 7-absolute Perfect, Thick, Steakhouse-seasoned strips of Pig Flesh. I Held that package in my hands and just admired it for at least 10-seconds. Other shoppers probably thought I was some Freak bacon~worshipper. (Yes, it really did feel like a religious moment). But then I realized I was out of foil, so I almost put it back. Then I reasoned that I could simply go buy the cheap foil, and "it would do". (You might wonder why I need foil to cook bacon?? Stay tuned. I get to that in a bit.)

So today is Saturday, My Sunday. I make sure to get everything done on Friday that requires running around town. This way, I have today completely free to relax at home. This means I have no schedules, or exact times I gotta do anything. This means I can catch-up with the past-weeks events, news, friends' activities they've posted, and even get some of my photos loaded into my Flickr account. I can sip my Coffee (which, by the way, I got myself a Really cool new Mug Yesterday, too!! See? Perfect!

Part of my plan in accomplishing a Life of Peace is to make sure I leave time to cook my own meals, instead of needing to eat Instant, or worse to eat at a restaurant. (again, part of my get-out-debt-plan). I recently remembered the joy of Pancakes. I do not know why I ever stopped making pancakes, but I did. Years and years ago. I saw an old photo that made me recall the delight of pancakes. Here is that photo:

Yup, Cookin' Nekkid is always how you'll find me :)

Well, To me a photo is more than a picture. It is emotion, feel, and brings back all the memories of exactly what I was feeling when it was taken. This photo reminded me of an important thing I somehow had forgotten. The art of making breakfast. Not hurried, not fancy, just happy. 

So, I have been making pancakes and Spam for about a month now, and it is pure delight. This time I decided to go with the treat of My Glorious Bacon along with my pancakes. Yeah, you always hear the joke "Don't cook bacon in the Nude" ... but I do not cook bacon on the stove. I cook it in the oven. This is where the foil comes-in. I line a pan with foil, making edges all around to hold the grease, place the bacon on the foil, then just slide it into the oven at 400* for about 15 minutes. Ya do not need to turn it, it stays flat, there are no splatters, and cleanup is a breeze! Once the bacon is removed, let the grease cool, then just roll up the foil and throw it away! 

Well, Here is where the generic Foil bacame a problem. The generic foil was also not at wide as the regular stuff, so not all of the bacon would fit on one baking sheet. No problem, I just grabbed another baking sheet, lined it with foil, and put the remaining bacon on that pan. Well, That second pan is what started the problem ... It is a dark pan. Everyone knows that dark pans cook faster than light pans. no problem, I'm a pro, right? Ha! Well I was timing it just right, I had one pancake almost done, and knew I would have the perfect amount of time to place it on the plate, add the butter, and Peanut Butter, then would remove the dark pan of bacon. My timing was perfect. I placed that pan on the unused burners of the stove, and grabbed the slices of perfect bacon off, setting them on the paper towels I had on the other counter. I put the butter in the pancake pan, and started the next pancake. just then, the foil wall holding the molten bacon Grease decided to collapse!!! I had a flood of extremely hot bacon grease flooding across my stove and toward the burner of the pancake pan!!

Well it doesn't take a genius to know that if grease hits that burner, it will ignite. It was already smoking heavy because of the hot surface. I had a fan on in the kitchen to keep it cooler, but it was also blowing right toward the stove. I knew if that grease flashed, the fan would spread the fire, so I kicked the fan, as I simultaneously turned off the burner, turned off the oven, and grabbed a roll of paper towels to attempt to stop the flow of grease before it got to the hot burner. Well, I succeeded in three of the four above steps. The fan was not blowing where the fire would erupt. The heat sources were turned off. I almost stopped the flow of grease. Unfortunately, it went under ALL of the burners, and immediately flashed, since that was the hot top of the oven under those burners. I happened to have lids for pans nearby, so covered each burner with a lid so no air could fuel the fire. I used a kitchen towel to smother the flames that licked across the stove.  The fire was out as fast as it started, and did no harm to anything. (Well, no visible harm is noticed yet. Once I clean the stove, and under the burners, I will know it the wiring was scorched.) But my bet is it flashed,a nd went out, so likely no damage.) Yes, I could have run and grabbed a fire extinguisher, but that would have given the fire time to spread. I know enough about fires to know to stop them before they can actually become alive. 

Now the second pan of bacon in the oven was burning. I grabbed the tongs to remove it. It was not badly burnt, but not exactly bacon-tasty anymore. I went to place these pieces on the others I originally removed ... only to discover in the process of kicking the fan from blowing on the stove, I aimed it directly toward the counter which held the previously removed bacon .. and blew it right into the sink full of dishwater. 

So My three-perfect pieces I removed that caused the fire, were now soaked in dishwater. 

I surveyed the scene. Decided there was nothing else that could become a hazard. Grabbed the jar of peanut butter, and simply ate a few forkfulls of Peanut Butter as my Breakfast. Then I wondered why my smoke detector never went off. I walked around the corner, and realized my other fan was blowing a fresh funnel of air from the bedroom window right past the smoke detector. I turned that fan off, and immediately the detector activated. Ugh. So I turned that fan back on. I looked at the mess in the kitchen again, decided now was the perfect time to take a break, and write ....

I leave you with this one thought:

~BACON~! Always a treat. Always a Delight. Always Good! ...

Now, Imagine again why people say "NEVER COOK BACON IN THE NUDE"

Now as you ponder this, I will be scrubbing my entire kitchen ... Again. (I Just scrubbed the entire thing yesterday ...) ~=:-/

Have a Great Day! Even if you almost toast your nekkid bits!(hmm, weinie Roast anyone?) ~Grin~

And JOIN Me on Snapchat! 'halfaniceday' ... you just might be receiving some of these hilarious things as they happen :)

Who Pea'd in My Food??

Who Pea’d in My Food??

I Absolutely Hate Peas.

There are very few Foods I Hate. There are many I am allergic to, or dislike, but few I hate. Peas are Absolutely hated. Perhaps my body is trying to tell me something about them??

Yes, I am aware they are nutritious, cheap, and add color to meals.

There are however many Vegetables that can be used and actually taste good, and won’t make me gag or throw-up while eating.  Many times, I will not purchase a food item if peas are even in it. Similarly, the same goes with Bell Peppers. If there is a choice, I will skip both. Often, however, I can determine there are only a few in the food, and not that big of a deal to pick them out.

As a child, our house-rule was : You gotta at least try everything served on your plate at a meal. We were never forced to eat something. We had two choices: Eat it, or go hungry. Simple. But we were not allowed to make a big deal outta what we did not care for. We simply would try it, and then ignore it if it was not something we liked. If we did not eat our meal, there was no dessert. That was a totally fair rule.

Most of our friends and neighbors also had similar rules at meal time. One neighbor, however had a “You must eat everything placed on your plate” rule.  I was somewhere around age five to seven the night we ate at their house that would forever scar me. I do not recall what they served totally that night, But I do recall they piled mountains of Peas on everyone’s plate. The peas were not mixed in any other food, just a pile of Peas. The other food was not anything you could use to disguise the peas to get them swallowed. I made a point to try the peas first, so I could get it out of the way. I immediately almost threw-up, so of course, I just ignored them for the rest of the meal. I Did eat everything else on my plate, and in my opinion, they had piled way too much food on my plate for a kid my size to eat. But I finished everything except the peas.

Well, the mother in that house was an absolute Bi*** and made the rules, and never allowed anyone to have any flexibility. Ever.

I absolutely could not eat the peas, without throwing-up. She told me I could not leave the table until my plate was empty. I tried to tell her why I could not eat them. She got angry, and demanded I follow her rules in her house. Of course, my parents, trying to keep her calm, told me to “try”. Nobody was allowed to leave the table until everyone had finished their entire plate. So I had ten people all upset and waiting on me to eat the pile of Peas. This did not help, because I also cannot eat when there are angry people around me.

Well, of course the peas were cold and worse than before. I did as I was told. And after a few mouthfuls of peas, many gags, and swallowing the uprising vomit, I could not hold it back. I tried drinking more water, but nothing was gonna stop the surge. Needless to say, I think I made my point. I managed to vomit all over the entire table. I did not stick around after that. As soon as I vomited, I got up and left the house. Nobody tried to stop me.

These neighbors were long-time neighbors, and family friends. After that, any time they had us over for dinner, the Mom of that house ALWAYS asked about what each of us would eat, and even let us each dish up our own plates. Without trying, I managed to teach her a lesson in being a good neighbor. But without trying, she also taught me a lesson about learning to stand-up for what I know to be true, especially when it comes to my own health. Throwing-up is never fun.

I never could eat peas, even before that. But after that, it became absolutely impossible to ever eat a single one.

Now, back to why this is a topic today.

Well, I am living in a way that is difficult to prepare decent meals. I own no cookware, I have no microwave, and trying to create decent meals is a bit of a struggle. I own one skillet, and have an oven. That combined with long work days, and commutes, makes it so I am always trying to find something decent to fuel my body. Well, I bought one of those skillet meals. They are labeled as “Meal for two”, but really are only enough to serve one person. I chose the one that seemingly had very few peas.

Last night when I opened the package and poured it into the skillet, I was a bit disgusted to see not just a few peas that needed t be removed, but More Peas than any other veggie. Ingredients labels are supposed to be listed in order of quantity.

Well, the label listed the Peas last, And the photo also showed proportionately very few peas. Mind you, I am well-aware of what food-packaging photos are meant to do, but this one was not even close to what was inside.

So, I began the process of finding every pea, and removing it from my meal …

Holy Crap! Really?? 105 Peas! So I counted the Broccoli and Carrots, too just for curiosity: Carrots: 18, Broccoli: 13.

Once I finished counting, and making sure not one single Pea remained, the meal really was good! Although I was quite disappointed how few Broccoli and Carrots there were...

It made me laugh, cuz one friend I snapchatted the Peas photos to, asked me “Why are you counting Peas?? And she had a puzzled look on her face, Yet I can send any weird, silly, naked, or just plain goofy Snap, and she does not question it one bit.  Hey, She has a fair question. I mean, really, WHO COUNTS PEAS?

Well I did this time, just because I was curious.

Who knew that what started as a simple meal would turn into many photos of entertainment, bewilderment, and even a blog?

Hahaha, and of course my own caption of Who Pea’d in My Food is also fun, since it sounds like someone actually Pee’d in my food! Well, to my body, either one would be poison, and make the food unedible. So might as well have fun with the play on words since I gotta deal with Pea in My Food! As you venture through life, May your meals be Pea-Free. If ya happen to find someone has Pea’d in your meal, Please count, and take pictures. :)

Oh, and I'd Love to have you join me on SnapChat! "halfaniceday".