#spreadducklove

#spreadducklove

How I turned A Duck-eviction into Joy, a Drum Circle, Hot Dog, Santa Claus merriment, and my own personal Mini-Band-parade!

I noticed I had gotten into a winter blahs/ holiday Blues Funk. My mind has been overflowing lately with too many thoughts that keep me from focusing, finding the joy, or sharing the joy. I tried to sit and write about some of what is going on, but there was too much jumbled and tumbled thoughts. I ended-up listing every thought that entered my mind in a one-or-two-minute period. I also remembered to ask God for guidance, since occasionally I tend to forget. Ya know, it kinda is amazing! All ya gotta do, is ask! (well, ya gotta Believe, too…) By the time I was done writing after an hour, I knew I needed to make some changes to begin kicking the Holiday blues right smack in the coveted shiny red balls, and gain back the magic that was missing.

How exactly does one begin such a process? Well for me, the answers came flooding-in almost as fast as the list of “problems”. Well, I know better than to start doing every change all at once. That will lead me to disaster. The right way to do it (for me) is to decide where I need to be, and take a step in that direction. The path certainly will not be a short/ straight path. It will be quite an adventure, and not an easy stroll.  I know I cannot get to my destination instantly. If I did, there would be far too many unfinished details that would make the new destination even more difficult than where I am now.

I noticed there are exactly twelve days left in this calendar year. I proclaimed these twelve days as “My Personal 12 Days of Christmas.” Yup, The heck with society’s already programmed twelve days. This is mine, and I gotta do it to match my needs.

One of the things I know I need to do regularly is write. I have not written in a long while, or when I have it is very infrequent. By sitting to write the initial blog that started this process, it helped get all the rest to line-up.

As soon as I finished writing and posting my Blog, I wanted to get dressed and get out for a walk. I needed to shower first, (and shave!). When I get depressed, I tend to not hurry to shower on a day off. I also tend to let my body hair all grow for the whole week, and only shave it one day on my weekend just before the work week starts again. I really hate my own body hair, so you know if I am not keeping it shaved, I am not completely balanced. Also, when ya shave only once a week, it never really gets a clean-shave. The only way to do that is to shave daily.  So I took a really long Really hot shower, and Shaved my entire body Twice completely. To me, that is The Absolutely cleanest feeling ever!

As soon as I am outta the shower, I love to dry off in the fresh air, so I always open the door and let nature do the drying. So fresh, and refreshing!

As I was drying, I noticed again the silly magnet rubber ducks on my fridge had changed their placement once again. This was always a bafflement to me. It was almost like the miniature rubber Ducks were alive, and moved about the fridge surface freely (or they were moved by ghosts?).  But That simple glance made me realize I needed to remove those ducks. Yes, Remove, as in these ducks needed to be evicted from my life.

Evicting Rubber Ducks?! That seems a bit harsh, you say. Actually there is much more to the story. Everything is connected in my life. These ducks happened to be connected to a very unhappy period, and the simple act of them moving reminded me, and made me feel like I was back in that very bad situation(if ya wanna know that story, just ask, but won’t include it in this post.) I knew the ducks needed to go. But because I had already figured out some of the changes I needed to make, I knew to just get rid of them was not good. These ducks were destined to make others smile.

So I loaded all of them into my pocket, and went for a nice walk this evening. There were eight of them. I knew I would walk around town, and place them on random metal surfaces to be discovered and make someone else smile.

It gave me great joy to know I recognized how damaging my life had become and This time I was giving them to someone that could find the joy, instead of just tossing them in a dumpster, or over a random fence.  (That is one of my safety-escapes I use when life is needing to be changed fast… Just dump stuff.) Tonight, however, I smiled knowing I was thinking clearly, and would take the time to do it right.

I had not planned to photograph each one, and post it at all. But as soon as I placed the first one, I grinned. I did not need to take a picture or need to post it, but knew I wanted to, and hoped others would find joy in this, too. So I chose Instagram, and made up the hashtag #spreadducklove . Even as I posted it, I was only gonna post the first one. But as I placed each new one, I again felt that sharing it for everyone to enjoy would be a great way to help me build my joy, and fill my nearly empty tank of spirit I was needing. (By the way, if you would like to join me on Instagram, or would like to see the posts, my Instagram name is "halfaniceday")

After placing the first three, I was feeling quite a bit better. I actually felt enough of a spiritual lift that to interact with other humans would not be a bad thing, so I headed to The Container Park to grab a Hot Dog. (I have not stopped for a Dawg in two months! And Hotdogs are such an important part of my life, you know I was not in the right path!) There are many reasons I have not gotten any hotdogs in two months. I will go into those in later posts.

This is the first time I've loaded a video in my blog...
Hope it works :)

As I approached Container Park, I was pleasantly surprised to be walking up just as they began their dusk drum-circle! Ever since I moved Downtown in August, I had hoped to catch their Drum Circle. But it seemed it was not meant to be. Each time, I would arrive just as they finished-up, and were packing the drums until the next night. But Tonight, It was just beginning! I enjoyed that! (No I did not play a drum).

After enjoying the Drum Circle for a bit, I went inside to Order my HotDog. I chose to sit on the patio so I could continue to hear the drums. I chose a seat just across from where Santa was seated for his evening visits. Oddly enough, for a Friday Night, there was not a crowd. But no crowd around Santa makes it so those who would otherwise not approach him would choose to. It gave me much joy to watch the dozen-or-so people of all ages go visit Santa. This was the most informal Santa- visiting you could imagine. Santa was a cool old gut, with real whiskers. He had a nice suit, not one of those crappy rentals you see at the malls. Also his whole attitude was comfortable. He let everyone who came past decide how they would interact. There was no script, no phony-nes. Some chose to be flirty, some chose to be shy. Some ladies sat on his lap while their friends took photos. Some guys did, too. Some chose to stand next to him. Some gave a pretend kiss for the camera. (There was also no camera already set-up with a fee. If someone wanted a photo, they were free to use their own camera, and take as many as they wanted!) Some kids went to see him and get a photo. I never once heard him ask anyone what they wanted for Christmas!  He was so comfortable, I was half-tempted to go sit on his lap and take a photo! (The only reason I did not was if he managed to ask me “What I wanted” I likely would have lost it and been bawling.  (Yes, that is how bad my winter blahs/ holiday blues are this year!)

But I did enjoy my Hot Dog on the patio while watching all the joy with Santa.

Then it was time to move-on with my Placing of the Duck magnets.

By the time I finished eating I had already gotten notifications on Instagram that my three photos already had lots of likes. (Mind you, I really do not care if I get likes or not. I do not post for popularity at all. I post to share. If one other person finds a smile in what I’ve posted, then it was already doubled its intended purpose.)

So, on down Fremont I went to just enjoy the evening. Yes, I went to one of the most crowded places in Downtown Las Vegas for the sole purpose of enjoying it! I usually go where there are less people, and less noise. But with the mind-set of spreading Joy, I managed to not be overwhelmed by all the activity. I also was able to find the joy. I found I was amused at the antics of the street “performers”, beggars, and even the tourists.

Not one person noticed what I was doing as I placed and photographed each miniature Duck. It made me giggle to wonder what would be the reactions of those who discovered them.  I spread Ducks all down Fremont Street from 13^th all the way to Main. I posted a photo of each as I did. Kinda like a treasure hunt with a wee-bit of background showing… wonder if anyone that sees them online (I also shared to Twitter and Tumbr, but have not looked for notifications in those sites) will go find them? And if they do, will they share the photo with me?

After all the ducks were placed, I still was not needing to escape the crowds. That in itself is an amazing feeling! To be able to enjoy a noisy crowd on a Friday night!.

As I approached 2^nd street, I was thrilled to see a College Band quickly assembling. I was not aware of the event they were part-of, just stumbled upon busloads of College kids grabbing their instruments, getting into formation, and beginning to play. It was like a mini-band-show show for Me! (They had “Utah” on their instruments, and uniforms.)I watched them play a couple of songs, and then they marched off into the crowds. Turns out there is a football Bowl of some sort, and the team bands were having a competition/ rally in Fremont Street. Then the Fremont Light Show began, and it was all focused on those two teams, their football highlights, and rah-rahs. (It was Utah, and Colorado featured, and something about “Vegas Bowl”) I really don’t care about the football at all. I prefer the bands. But I was thrilled I had been at the right place at the right time to get a mini-parade just for Moi!

Felt great to smile! A Real smile 'cuz I was enjoying it,
instead of just a pretend smile!

Would I begin to pretend for one minute that just because I had one evening of joy and happiness that I am completely out of the blahs/ blues/ funk I was in? Nope. I got a long way to go. It will be many ups and downs. It will be a struggle to regain the magic, the joy, and the freedom I need from the imprisonment of depression.  One of the things I’ve learned is that the magic will not just appear, nor will the joy. I know I have to create it, give it, spread it before it will ever surround me. Yup, as much as I hate it, I gotta pretend it is there, to make it until it really is there.

Depression will overtake me if I let it. It already has a deep-rooted seed in my spirit, and does not take “no” lightly when I tell it to go away. So many people think I am always happy. I wish I was as happy as they think I am. I absolutely hate all the complainers and whiners in the world. I refuse to be one of them. I would rather fake a smile, and have a glimmer of hope than to always frown and believe there is no hope.

The mind is a powerful tool. We create what we think. (Or more appropriately, we encourage, strengthen, and allow to grow whichever we focus on.) My depression is part of who I am. I always have had depression. If I choose to focus on it, it will take over. If I choose to focus on ways to be happier, I will be happier. Although depression is often powerful, subtle, and creeps-in, I know that my desire to be happy is more powerful. I need to take my own advice. I often tell people that “Happiness is a choice” when they comment how happy I seem. This is true. It is a choice. I was reminded I had not made that choice, and allowed the blahs/ blues/funk to take over once again. I cannot claim to be in any way perfect, nor in any way better than anyone. I can only claim to be in charge of my own mood, my own happiness, and my own path in life.

I Know I am Not Alone in this Struggle. I have many friends who also feel it. I cannot pretend to be the one to help everyone, but I will be there for anyone in need! I cannot make it all-better, but I can promise you won't be alone in the struggle. 

No matter what your struggles are, I hope you at least recognize them, and take even one tiny step in the direction you need. Want someone to take that step with? I will walk with you. I know how it is. I will not pester you with questions, nor demand you pretend to be happy. I will support you, love you, and be there with you. 

Turning Demons into My Own Personal 12-Days of Christmas!

The Demons we fight come winter holidays …

Scratch That! Now it is: My Own Personal 12-Days of Christmas :)

Demons? Hmm.

I started this Blog as a Writing about Demons of The Winter Holidays, by the time I got to the bottom, I needed to change it to “My Personal Twelve Days of Christmas”.
Interesting that my first thought when I attempt to describe what I struggle with every December is the word “Demons”.

Would it really be called a Demon, or is it just an easy way to label the struggles I face?

“The Holiday” season is supposed to be a cheery time of year, right? It is supposed to be when we feel Thankful, Blessed, and full of all sorts of Joy, Delight, and in the mood to give gifts, celebrate, and be together. Or is it?

I used to be the person who could create the magic, make the miracles happen, help everyone who was in need find the light in the darkness. I used to be the one who had the ability to transform anyone’s view of what might have seemed like a bleak occasion into one of their most cherished, blessed, and joyous times. Yes, even when I have been at my poorest, and seemingly without a dime to buy a crumb, I could manage to find the spirit, spread the spirit, and help others be in the spirit.

It seems in recent years, I JUST DON’T CARE.

So many thoughts jumping through my mind right now, almost impossible to put the thoughts into proper words, let alone proper sentences that would even seem logical to write or read.

Aches

Focus

Depression

Purpose

Money

Hair

Home

Busses

Portland

Las Vegas

Greif

Love

Sunshine

Beach

Snow

Phone

Guns

Groceries

Coffee

Suicide

Death

Flying

Seizures

Allergies

Computer

Naked

God

Art

Adventure

Nature

Spirit

Dogs

Hot dogs

Muffins

Microwave

Ice cream

Tutus

Ducks

Magic

Sleep

Social Media

Life

Mind

So since I cannot focus on any one thought right now, I just listed all that is racing through my mind in the past Minute. Maybe it was two. But my mind is definitely overwhelmed right now with all that is swirling in my brain, heart and soul.  They are in no particular order, just as they came through my mind to my keyboard.

Every single word could be an entire day’s worth of writing.

I have a lot to sort out, figure out, search, understand, and find peace with.

One of the things I have often learned (and also easily forgotten!) is how much better I process things when I take the time to sort, meditate, write, and find the peace with each situation. When life tends to get a bit overwhelming, is when I let them all bunch-up, swirl, and cause me mental distress … which leads to physical distress.  That is where I am at right now.

It is amazing how just merely focusing, and clearing the mind helps. Just in this past few minutes of writing these out, I have already realized what I must do.

I started writing this today as a “Woe-is-Me” blog. I was gonna list all my worries, complaints, circumstances, and reasons I am not able to go forward with the magic, the miracles, or the spirit. But just an hour after starting to write, I already have a clear (well, less-clouded) mind and spirit. Nope, I did not find this clarity on my own. I only get myself in trouble when I do it alone. That is how I got where I am today. This time, I remembered to ask God to guide me, help me, and hold me. Yep, I am aware many of my friends do not believe in God. That is totally fine. I would never ask them to believe as I believe, nor would I expect that they understand My relationship with God.

There are Twelve Days Left in this year. Perfect! This will be My Personal Twelve Days of Christmas!

Between Now and New Years, I will work on creating the changes I need to make my life have meaning again, make my life turn back to the positive direction I need.

Yup, That is correct. I am creating a Twelve Days of Christmas that is to my fitting, not a pre-arranged calendar that the world marches to.

In this Twelve Days of Christmas, I will focus on eliminating the things that are distracting me, and adding the things I am missing that are much needed. 

You Seek a Relationship? With One Person? Why?

You seek a relationship? With Only One Person? Why?

So many people in life seem to always be looking for their next relationship, seeking their partner, feeling incomplete unless they are in a relationship.

To me, one cannot do anything with another, until they have learned who they themselves are, are happy with themselves, and do not NEED another for their own happiness, but rather once they are happy in their life, then another can come in and make it so much more enriching. So many people tend to always seek to be connected to another, never allowing themselves to truly learn who they are as an individual.

Obviously there is much to be gained, given, shared, understood, and thrive-upon any time any people find a connection, trust, understanding, and have common goals in life.

I cannot understand why people seek their “Soul-mate”, “Life-partner”, or “Significant-other”. To Me, that seems like they are limiting their potential, settling for only partial love, and not really seeking to give and receive all the love they were designed for. In my observations, the one(s) that are meant to be together will happen to work-out, without anyone going looking, forcing it, or trying to make it happen. I cannot understand why anyone seems to think they are not complete until they have attached themselves to another. (Kinda matches the whole calling someone "My Other Half" ... Seems to suggest you are not willing to be whole as you were created, but that you need someone before you can truly be who you were meant to be.)

All My life the way humans tend to go about life, especially relationships, baffles me. Often to the point that I truly wonder if I really am at all Human, or just somehow dropped amongst them, and supposed to figure out how to fit-in.

The notion that there should be a “Soul-mate”, or “The One” to me is so outrageous that I wonder why so many limit themselves, and refuse to find the capacity of love they truly could experience.  Now don’t get me wrong. In no way am I suggesting people should not commit to one another, or denouncing that there really is chemistry, balance, and love between any given two (or more) people. I just feel that as complex Humans that we are, there is so much more to give and receive between people than can be achieved in a one-on-one basis.

Another thing that baffles me in the way people go about getting in a relationship is how often one will try to force it. Clearly, a relationship should be built on mutual feelings, mutual connections, and when two or more people feel they are drawn into one another’s lives.

When someone feels they are “supposed to be with” another, yet it is one-sided, that is a clear sign that the feeling is not a true connection, and certainly not a basis for “building” a relationship from. This would in many cases be what is called “stalking”. The infatuation, or desire of the one to “Be with” the one who is not feeling the same often will push away the one not as interested, and because the pursuer was convinced it really was a connection, they will suddenly claim to have “gotten their heart broken”. Desperation, or acts of being desperate seldom will gain positive results.

One thing I have always done consistently in my life is to be up front, and honest about my intentions, feelings, goals, and desires. While knowing who I am, and what I do or do not want in life would seem to be a great quality. However for some odd reason, those are also confusing and puzzling to those who do not yet know themselves and what they like or do not like in life. My suggestion to anyone is to always get to know yourself before you attempt to include another in your life.

I certainly will never claim to be any sort of “Relationship Expert”, But I DO know what is and is not good for me in life. If I tell someone what I do not seek, and do not want, yet they seem to think they can convince me to do those things just because They want them, they get a hard smack of reality when I shut the door in their face.  If I tell someone who is angling toward “making me their boyfriend” that I am absolutely not interested in that sort of relationship, yet they still have the notion they will continue to pursue me in that way, they will find a locked door between us fast!

I also am an anomaly in the sense that I am Asexual. Period. That means exactly that. I Am not at all interested in sex, am not seeking sex, will not have sex. Does not matter male, female, gay, bi, trans, or anything in-between. I do not like, want, desire, or seek sex in any way. This confuses people, because I also happen to be a nudist. For too many on this Earth, they equate naked with sex. So to see a male naked, they just cannot grasp that I am not seeking sex. I go into great detail about my lack of sexuality in many other posts. This one is devoted to relationships.

Oddly, also, many seem to think the whole purpose of a relationship is for sexual pleasure. For some it may be. For me, not at all. If I get into any relationship, it is absolutely Emotional, Mental, Spiritual, and for the feelings that are shared, never for any sexual desires.  

With all that is said above, you might be wondering what, exactly might lead me toward a relationship? Well, I have been in many relationships that were absolutely wonderful! Some have been only between myself and another, but most of the cherished ones have been when it is more than just two individuals. Yes, I know this may baffle you, and your thoughts are going all sorts of places. 

But let me try and help make it not seem so wild:

I am not talking about Swingers, or even Open Relationships. Those are definitely sexual in nature. A relationship including more than two people happens when everyone involved is mutually accepting of each other, completely honest, completely open, and completely understanding with No hidden agendas, often everyone involved is involved together. Again, this is about relationships, love, spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being, Not about Sex! (Although sex may occur between those who agree and desire, it usually is not like an orgy, or wild sex stuff.)  Each person brings something different to the relationship, making for more love, understanding, and comfort. As humans, we are complex in ways that limiting yourself to only one person in a relationship means that you will not fulfill every aspect of your being.

If you have never given that any sort of thought, it can be mind-boggling. Most are taught that a relationship should be limited to only two people. (not even sure what that stems from, but it is a common thought in most of our society) Think about it this way: You have many best friends, right? Each one fits in your life in a little bit different way than the others. You would never consider that you should only have one friend, eliminating all the others. But when it comes to “traditional” relationships, you choose one person. You marry that one person, and push out all the other best friends you had. Pretty soon you realize you miss what they contributed to your life, but say something along the lines of “Well, I am happily married.” Now, think about how wonderfully enriched your life would be if instead of pushing out the friends because you got married, that you include them in your marriage.  I know, it boggles your mind, because you have never before been taught you are allowed to think that way.  

The notion of Loving more than one person is not new, nor in any way something that was created just to fulfill someones strange notion. The idea of many loves, all included, open, and honest with one another is as old as mankind. The difference is you have been taught that you are not supposed to love more than one person. To me, that teaching is a sad thing. Humans were made to love, help, encourage, uplift, and support one another. We were not made to isolate, separate, and keep one only to ourselves. Nor were we made to be isolated. Our love is meant to be shared. The more we give, the more we receive. Imagine if everyone on this Earth felt loved? Imagine if everyone felt secure enough to Give Love? Don’t you think that if you were allowed to give love to as many as you possibly could, you also would receive ten-fold the amount you gave? That exactly is what I am referring to when I say relationships should not be limited to only one person. That is isolation.

PolyAmory is a term that seems to have come into use a lot lately. Seems to me someone needed a term, or category to fit a lifestyle that has been around since the beginning of mankind. This, too baffles me: The need to “Categorize” everyone and everything. I have never understood why everything people do needs to fit some sort of pre-defined category, label, or group, but that is what makes some happy, so they create these to find a place their lives “Fit”. But anyhow, Poly-Amory, or Poly-Amorous are both becoming popular. While I do not agree with every aspect this page posts, it is a good one for answering some of the more frequently asked questions about how having more than one love can affect people. Here is the page: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html

Whatever you choose to call it, I hope you can call it love.

I have been in many wonderful relationships in my life. Some have been with only one person, but the most fulfilling ones have been when I was in a relationship with many someones at the same time. Each of those was done in the manner that everyone involved was in agreement of what the relationship was. Nothing was hidden. All were aware, consenting, and agreeable in what roles each played.

Yup, I also have been in relationships with married couples. Sometimes, the fit is absolutely perfect. Instead of being a “third-wheel”, I am “the other husband”. Think about that for a second, and think about who I am and what I am all about, you will see how it fits nicely. There is an old saying that goes something like this:

Found this on Pinterest, Here:

Now, of course we all know that is a joke. But in reality, wouldn’t it be great to fulfill all that? Well in the type of relationship I refer to, it is a Reality! I have been in many like this in my life. None were exactly like this funny sign, but all were equally fulfilling, where each person fulfilled a different area of the relationship. It is absolutely empowering, wonderful, and fulfilling to be in such a relationship. Keep in mind, unlike the funny picture, we all agreed to let each other know what we each wanted, and what was good by one, or better by another.  I have been in many just like this in my life. Nope, we never hid it, although most who did not know us well assumed we were just joking about the nature of our relationships.  Naturally, my role was not in the sex department. But often the emotional, spiritual, even sensual led to those who were in the sex area to have a more fulfilling experience. I am perfectly fine with not being included in the sex, but also perfectly fine with helping those who wish to achieve it to make it more fulfilling. Everyone wins!

The only time a relationship like this is harmful is when one person decides they want a one-on-one relationship, instead of the fulfilling one they had been in for years. When they seek a one-on-one without being open and honest with the others they are already with, it will be desructive, instead of positive. If it is a woman marrying a guy who was not fond of her having friends that were guys, sadly, the woman will leave all her fulfilling relationships, and go isolate herself with that one guy who was not willing to see her totally happy. Often, it is a new guy that enters a relationship where there are more than two people and he is not willing to join the relationship, or even get to know the others, but decides he wants to take that gal away from what makes her happy. Sadly, the lady will often go, and later lament how sad she is, or attempt to meet with her friends secretly for fulfillment. But anything done in secret never works out in a positive way.  Everyone loses when one in a group relationship decides to not tell, or include the new interest in the more-than one relationship. For them to work, everyone must always be aware of everyone else involved, and accepting of it, or it will fall apart real fast. Integrity, honesty, and openness are the key. As soon as one of those is gone, there is no longer a trust, and it all must go away.

The only way to have a true relationship is to be open and honest. When one is isolated, they lose their happiness. But if they wait until it is too late to present what they know to be a great way to have relationships, it cannot be done. It must be open from the beginning, or it will fail.

It has been a few years since I have been in any relationship at all, and I am totally fine with that. I am not seeking to be joined to anyone. Although it is jokingly tossed about that “Jon has many girlfriends”, and of course I play along with that, because it actually does appear that I am in many relationships, but in all reality, I happen to only interact momentarily with any of my supposed girlfriends.

I of course always joke about my “girlfriends”… Nor do I have any “boyfriends” either. Nope, I am not opposed to either. If someone, or many someones, came along that fit into my life, and uplifted my Spirits, emotions, and mental well-being, and I did the same for them, I absolutely would not hesitate to be in a relationship with them.  To me it should not matter if that human has a penis or a vagina, since those are merely physical aspects. I could love anything that has a soul … but is has to fit nicely with my own soul … a fit that would present itself without sacrifice, without convincing, without coercion. It would just fit, and happen, no planning, no hoping, no scheming.

I have often in my life been referred to as “An Angel”. This is not of my own choosing, nor would I call myself an Angel. However, when others refer to me as either “an Angel” or “Their Angel” or “Guardian Angel”, often outsiders will agree. I am ok with that. If I truly am an angel, and was sent to help with that person’s life, situation, or circumstances, I think there is no better “title”. But similar to any other Spirit, an Angel is not meant to be held by just one, nor would an Angel enter a relationship with the one they were sent to help. I do not understand why, but often those who call me “Angel” also seem to think I should be in a relationship with them. I guess I see it as “Keep your personal life separate from you work life”, Meaning: if I am an Angel, My work is to guide, protect, help, and get going in the right direction. My role would absolutely not be to claim that one as my own., or to in any way take on the role of “partner”.

As to why I say I do not need or seek a relationship, unlike most of the Humans on this Earth? Well, To make it simple, I am a Very Spiritual person. I connect with nature, with The Indian Spirit, and with The Eagle. Just like any of the above, if those are fenced, or placed in an unnatural environment, they will wither, and no longer be free-spirits. An Eagle is beautiful to watch, admire, and learn about. Tether or cage an Eagle, and it will no longer be of any interest because it will not be allowed to soar. Cut down a tree, and yes the wood is beautiful, and can be admired, but it no longer can stand tall, providing Oxygen, cleaning the air, or providing shade, and homes for numerous others in life. Remove an Indian from his plains, and wilderness, and he no longer can connect with the Free Spirit of the Universe, can no longer provide for his people, and can no longer thrive.  Similarly, if I was caged, I would no longer be who I am.

The ONLY way I will end up in a relationship is if someone happens to walk beside me in life, free in spirit, uncaged, and also stands tall in the wind, the sun, and all the elements of life. Wanna know who is the right one, or ones for me? The one(s) who happen to just fit into my life, or I happen to fit into theirs.   That someone, or someone(s) will be aware of who they are, know fully what they believe, but also be open to learning and changing as they grow and change in life. That person, or persons will know why they feel the way they do, will love themselves first, and thrive on helping others to feel that same freedom. The one(s) I end up in a relationship with will be Spiritual, Free, and full of Wonder.

Meanwhile, I do not wait around looking, seeking, or hoping for anyone that might choose to join me. I waited long ago, and I learned the hard way that only leads to disappointment. Now I go forward with my life, not looking over my shoulder to see if anyone is wishing they had tried to walk with me. If and when the day comes that I am meant to be with another, I will see them right beside me. It will not be a chase, nor a bargaining to get with them. I know fully who I am, and will happily welcome anyone who also has discovered who they are. But they gotta know who they themselves are before they could possibly want to join another.

You are welcome to watch me soar as an Eagle. You are welcome to enjoy the shade, or breathe my Oxygen of me as a tree, or even climb up me to get out of the flood swirling at your feet. You are welcome to ride the plains, worship the Spirits of The Universe, and be one with the wild animals with me as an Indian. I will even help you to find who you seek to be, but don’t think for a second I will be caged, or taken out of my nature.

Love Yourself first. You are a Beautiful Human. You were made unique, so that only you can decide what fits best in your life. Once you find who you are, then you will be amazed at what you can find in a relationship. 

Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed?

Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed?

Most think I am a Morning Person.

 I think I am grumpy when I wake up.

I seldom interact with anything living before I have had my morning Cranberry Juice, Vitamins, and First Cup of Coffee.

Often, the only interactions with others are online, or via various apps on my phone, such as Snapchat, Instagram, or Text Messaging. Using these makes for short interactions, and nobody really sees me as I fumble, stumble, and begin to get the night’s cobwebs from my head. (By the way, Wanna Join the fun? Snapchat and Instagram: "halfaniceday".)

True, I am usually up at 4:30 every morning. Occasionally I sleep-in on a non-work day. Sleeping-in is 5:30, or on rare occasions, 7am. I LOVE watching the sun rise, watching the world wake-up, and the fresh start to each new day. Whatever troubles we had yesterday are exactly that: Yesterday’s, so they are done, and Today is a brand new start.

It does strike me as quite humorous the perception people have of me when it comes to mornings.  In my view I am grumpy first thing in the morning. I seldom interact with anyone before I’ve had my coffee. By the time most people see or interact with me, I have been up for many hours, had enough coffee to balance my mind, and have adequately prepared for the necessary “politeness” that most confuse for what they perceive as how I am when I wake-up.

I have often been accused of being Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed.

Recently when a friend needed to at work earlier than she is used-to, this topic came up. She sent me this photo, and it is perfect. “I’m up. If you’re expecting Bright-eyed and Bushy-Tailed Go catch a Freakin’ Squirrel”

This is Perfect!

Of course it led to the sending of many photos back and forth that referenced the squirrel, including the ones showing why a squirrel is actually bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 

~~Bare Butt Warning! Below, You will see 

My Own Bushy Tail~~~

Look  with your own Giggles and Grins ~=:-)

And an opportunity like this just calls for me to create photos showing my bushy-tail first thing in the morning… Much to my friend’s chagrine, but also not totally unexpected. Yup, She expects the unexpected, and this did not disappoint when I sent it that morning.

In Fact After her Miniscule amount of protest, she Bought me Coffee and Breakfast as soon as we arrived at work. 

May You always appear Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed to those you encounter. Even if you are feeling grumpy... Take a Silly Photo, and send it to someone special. You will either make them grumpier, or you will brighten their day. If they are determined to be grumpy, nobody will know any different, But if you made their day a bit-brighter, The world will notice, and will thank you. 

They may not publicly admit that it made them smile, But everyone else they encounter that morning will notice they are a bit easier to be near. Wanna help make the world happier? Even if you feel Grumpy? Here's All Ya Gotta Do:

 Find a Camera. Make sure your Bushy Tail is Visible in the frame. Take a picture. Send it to people who need a bit of help with Mornings. You have Just changed The World, One Bushy Tail at a time.

So, Go share your Bright-Eyed, Bushy-Tailed photo... You might score coffe and breakfast from the moment!

Farewell Summer, The Final (Skinny) Dip?

Happy Fall! Happy Last Dip of Summer!

Yesterday was the last official day of Summer.

So many things I love about this photo:

Well, I did not go to enjoy the pool because it was the last day of Summer. I went because I could :) Took an extra day off work so I could be sure to have at least a moment free for Caitlin, before she had to leave town again. Even a short Visit with a dear friend is better than no visit at all.  There is something quite pleasing about knowing you took a paid-day off from work, and you are getting paid for having an absolutely wonderful day!

I got up before the sun, went to join Caitlin for breakfast, and enjoy what little time we had before she hit the road back to LA. Caitlin is similarly like minded and free as I am. So when it came time for a few playful pictures before she left, it was a no brainer… and of course, Google took all our goofy pics, and made this Awesome GIF :)

After she departed, I went to visit another dear friend, Frankie. Oh, it is too long between cherished visits! Then, I decided to take care of the few errands/ shopping I needed to do, so I would have the entire rest of my paid day off to enjoy the final day of Summer.  I had not given it much thought, just went with whatever flowed easily.

I also had done all my laundry on Saturday (my normal day off) so I was as free as possible on Sunday. Also on Saturday, I managed to finish writing a blog I had hoped to get done (you might find it interesting, and gain a bit of understanding about when I was Suicidal). Other than a few photos, it was ready to publish. It was wonderful that I felt so free. I decided to go soak up what little bit of sun, warmth, and water I could before it got too cold as Fall was fast gripping the region.

I Live in Las Vegas, Nevada. Summer seems to last much much longer when you live in The Desert. But we cannot take it for granted. As soon as September comes, even though the mid-day temperatures are still in the 90’s, and occasionally hold on at 100, there is no denying the Fall is taking away our Summer. Once September comes, The Earth’s tilt is evident as the Sun Suddenly no longer shines on The Pool, and only a small sliver of pool deck is in the sun. The water quickly loses its heat, and The Earth once again matches the temp of the water. While the water easily is above 80 degrees in July and August, come September, it dips to 60, even into the 50’s real fast. To me, That is COLD! I will still get in and swim, but I gotta keep my dips short, and get into the sliver of sun as fast as possible to regain my body’s temp.

After I had found just enough sunshine, placed my lounge, arranged my towels, I went for a swim. This was my view as I stood on the first step. 

See the Wall of clouds over Yonder? To me it looked like a wall of waves rolling toward me. The clouds were seeming like the giant wave about to wipe out the sandcastles built on the beach.  A reminder that those castles are only temporary, much like summer is. The wave is coming to wipe out the summer castles on the beach.

Notice the sun does not actually shine on the pool any more, just on the tiny corner of the deck. This photo captures the cold of the water, the sunny warmth of the air, and the fleeting sun’s beam in which I could lay. As you look upon this photo, feel the cold water rippling gently against your feet and legs. Watch those clouds roll and build like a giant wave about to wipe out the sandcastle of summer. Feel how cold the water is. Feel the warmth in the wind. Take another step, feel the cold water grip your more sensitive regions. Oh! It feels wonderfully refreshing, yet you also notice how cold it really is. You ponder: do you really want to immerse yourself completely? Or is just wading to this depth good enough?

You know THIS May be The Last Time you enter the pool.

You decide to go for it, knowing that sunny lounge is right there to warm your cold bits.

Oh boy, Here goes!

I waded one more step, so I would not splash much. (I like to gently get into the water, not jump in.) I love the sensation of feeling every ripple, the variances of the layers of temperatures in the different depths, the feel of the gentle currents. As I stood about to take what might easily be The Last Dip of Summer, I decided Today was a Skinny Dip Occasion. This pool is hardly secluded, is totally a fish-bowl, and visible to anyone who happens to glance this way. I skinny dipped once before in Early August when I first moved here, so I already knew I could if the time was right. Today, it felt right. I slid my shorts down to my ankles, dipped to my shoulders, and pushed off allowing my shorts to float free behind me as I went. Oh, How I miss true freedom! This Summer seemed to present less naked freedom than most in my recent past. Skinny Dipping is one of the most free things I enjoy. The irony that My Final Dip of Summer happened to fall on a Sunday Afternoon, and I was getting paid for it was not lost. THIS was THE MOST CHERISHED SKINNY DIP!!

I Love to swim!! I Love to Skinny Dip! I usually do not enjoy cold water, But this time, I seemed to not feel cold. I swam underwater all the way to one end and back. (Mind you, this pool is tiny, so don’t think I am some sort of miracle swimmer.) But The Freedom was so wonderful. The feel of the water against every cell of my bare body was delightful! I came up for a breath at the same place I started. I was going to call it “good enough” and get out. Yes I was cold already. I normally would get out into the sun by the time I was this cold. But I knew I NEEDED to savor as much of this as possible. THIS WAS MY LAST DIP OF SUMMER. I always know that such choices come with consequences. My body has Zero insulation, and I get dangerously cold Very fast. But I felt the danger was worth it today. I Knew there was my tiny spot of Sun for warming, and knew I did not need to be totally mind-alert the rest of the day, so what the heck, go for the cold-induced Coma, right?

I swam many more laps. I did not count, nor do I have any idea how many minutes I was in the water. At one point, I noticed one of my neighbors had brought a chair onto the balcony. She was smiling, and watching. I did not mind. I never worry about the ones who can see the enjoyment in simply living life without barriers. I used to live in fear. I used to panic at the “What if’s” when I might be seen. Part of the joy in finding freedom is learning to live in the moment, not live in fear, and never get a chance to enjoy life. The freedom was great, but I was very cold, and needed to get into the sun. When My body reaches that point, I must get it warm immediately. (Yes, even nekkid, there is too much of a good thing, and it can turn not-so-good.)At the point when I decided I was Too cold, I was dangerously close to becoming unconscious. I was at the deep end, and could not manage to stay in the water even one more lap. I climbed out using the deep-end ladder, and while I really wanted to just immediately go lay in the sun, I Knew I could not be so free outside of the water. I walked to where my shorts were floating by the steps. The lady on the balcony giggled as I bent to retrieve them. Odd as it may seem, even when cold has shriveled me to almost non-noticable size, I still do not mind others noticing, as long as they are not mean about it. Pretty sure she was just giggling at the overall freedom I had found. (I later found out it was the freedom, AND the cold-effect she was giggling at, but she was in no way mean, just enjoying the moment. She came to visit me in my apartment later, and mentioned she loved the freedom I lived by. She also laughed and mentioned she was glad to see I had gotten warmer.)

I put my shorts on, and went quickly to my sunny spot. I fell asleep almost immediately, since the cold had zapped all my energy. But that, too turned into a cherished thing. Napping in the sun after such a great swim, was so refreshing! I slept for almost an hour in the sun. This of course helped keep up my now wanting to fade tan. Yay! Still Tan for at least another week! As Fall overtakes the region, I will quickly turn pale again.

My Final Swim and Skinny Dip of Summer will Always be Cherished.

Yup! This is my pool. Hardly secluded. This sign happens to be here,
I took this in the end of August, then added the word Skinny to it.
I wonder if The City really had any idea how true this sign was when they placed it....

I Was Sentenced for Life, For Skinny Dipping!

Wanna find out what is legal and what is not in New York State?

I Got Life, Just for Skinny Dipping!

Find a Very Remote place to go for a swim. Alone. You will be amazed how fast a State Trooper will show up, even though you had not seen one for hours.

(originally found somewhere on Pinterest ... but I no longer have that link)

 (Well, Wrong Kind of Trooper, But it made me laugh.)

When I was suicidal in 2005, I also was taking care of my everyday basic needs, such as hygiene and eating. In my quest for finding “The Right place to die”, I also managed somehow to find the best things to enjoy in life. It was quite ironic how I found life while seeking death. I did not first notice this, until many years later. It is only now, in 2014, that many of these life-lessons are starting to sink-in. Usually, I discover how valuable the experiences were only after I find old writings expressing my feelings from back then. Yup, even in seeking death, I wrote journals, notes, and sought more than I really knew.

It was August 2005. I managed to find some of the most beautiful places where it seemed no other human existed. I found some of the most pristine, pure, and beautiful places in nature while in New York State. One of the greatest joys I had discovered was to bathe in a creek, or river. Yep, even wanting to die, I still stopped to bathe regularly. It was August, and very hot, humid, and made me want to be clean more than usual. So I often followed roads that I knew would eventually be at a river, stream, lake or pond. Finding water in New York State was never difficult, but I wanted water away from humans, and away from the highways. I seemed to seek solitude more during this seeking of whatever was supposed to be my ultimate destination.

One road I traveled easily 50 miles from the main highway. It was a dirt road, only wide enough for one vehicle, but I knew it would lead me to water … more importantly secluded water. While I had in the previous year come to allow my desire for nakedness to be less hidden, and come a long way in allowing others to see me naked, I still was not fully willing to just be free anywhere any time.

Well, This particular day, I managed to find a great swimming hole at the end of this 50-mile long dirt road. It was Absolutely Perfect! I could tell from the road that it had been days since any vehicle had traveled down this road. (There were no fresh tire tracks.) Also, there was plenty of brush and grass that grew in the road, and none had even been bent-over. When I got to the end of the road, it appeared to be a place an old bridge used-to exist, but that was long ago. The water was not visible from the road. It was beyond a small hill. I stripped right there at my car, only wearing my sandals for climbing the rocks and over the assorted brush. I grabbed my soap, razor, and towel, and happily marched to the water.

Oh, It was perfect! The water was clear, warm enough to stay in for a while, and had plenty of very large rocks along the shore, and in the middle of the river. I did not just immediately wash and shave. I enjoyed the sun, waded, explored, and absolutely enjoyed the freedom. I often wear my sandals in the water, until I know there is nothing that will harm my feet. The river bottom was clean, with soft sand in the calm spots, and smooth rocks in the faster spots. I waded thru a calm spot, and placed my towel, sandals, soap and razor on one of the large rocks in the middle of the river.

I was excited to have found a perfect place to be in nature, clean, and shave. Also simultaneously, I was excited that after I was clean and shaved, I could easily die here.
{{GRAPHIC WARNING!: I describe here how I planned to kill myself... Just to not shock you}}
I had the beautiful idea that in this river, I could simply make sure I was wedged between two large rocks, just barely holding my head above water, crack my skull with a good-sized rock, and go unconscious, immediately forcing my head under the water, and have no chance to change it. It is odd how a suicidal mind works. First my priority was to get clean and fully shaved before I died. Also, by being wedged between the rocks, my body would not simply float down stream, and wash up on a shore to be immediately found. In the water, it would become fish-food, slowly decompose, and wash away in bits, returning completely to nature. To me, this was Perfect!

I swam, and waded quite a distance from my towel. I even found and tried a test-fit for where I thought I could wedge myself. Found a suitable rock to crack my skull, and placed it on top of one of those boulders. Then I heard tires rolling fast over the dirt road. I had been under water quite a bit, so had not heard the tires until the vehicle was really close. I immediately thought “oh no! I will not be alone to die!” Then I thought, whoever it was would see my car at the end of the road, and decide to turn around, since they likely were seeking a place with nobody else. Or there was the possibitly that whoever it was would come, swim then leave. I was not worried, but was a bit curious as to why there would suddenly be someone down here. I had left my car windows down, and doors unlocked, and keys, wallet, and everything else inside, so I was a bit concerned that it might be some backwoods people that seek this sort of opportunity. (Yes even in the desire to die, knowing I would not need the car or stuff inside, it concerned me that someone may be up to no-good.)  But before I could even decide what to do, the vehicle had stopped right by mine, and I could hear what sounded like a police radio. Then I heard his footsteps tromping fast over the hill toward the river. My first thought was “Grab the towel!” But the towel was far from where I was. As soon as he could see me, he yelled that I needed to get out of the water! I swam toward him. The water was totally clear, so he obviously knew I was naked. I asked if he preferred I grabbed my towel first. He said, “No, just get out of the water!”

I could tell from his hat that he was a State Trooper, not just a county Sherriff. Yipes! I thought I was about to be arrested for skinny dipping! Why would a Trooper come all the way down here? Oh my head was spinning.

As I stepped onto the rocks, he asked if I was All Right? I was puzzled, because I still did not know why he was here. I of course was in a confused state of mind, since I was in the middle of planning to die, and his first question was “Are You Alright?” But I reasoned there was no way he could know that. (Could he?) When I left Oregon, I left in a hurry, and likely made some who I had left behind quite concerned, and was not sure if any had sent police looking for me. I was certain some had figured out I was suicidal. Also, while in Nebraska, I ripped up a speeding ticket and threw it on the ground in front of the officer (That is another story all by itself.) So, I really was not sure why this officer was here, and to have him first ask if I was Alright, made me also wonder. I knew I needed to be careful how I answered, and to find out why he was here, or I likely would end up in jail, or a mental-lock-up.  And odd as it may sound, jail was not a place I felt I could survive to kill myself. Yep, the mind of a suicidal person has depths to yet be understood.

He saw my puzzlement, and told me he was concerned if I was alright, since I was swimming alone. That also seemed odd to me, but I went with his direction, so I hopefully would not reveal more of why I was down here. I said I was, and thought it was a perfect place to swim. He asked me to come closer to him, and sit down. I still was not sure what he was up to, but of course I did. I sat in front of him, facing away, thinking once I sat, he would cuff me. He came to the front of me, and sat on a boulder facing me.That made me relax a bit. I asked if I was in trouble? He chuckled and said “Not how you may think.” He told me he saw I was from Oregon, and guessed I did not know the laws in New York State. I admitted I likely did not. (I had a similar encounter in Nebraska, where I learned it was illegal to "camp" in a cornfield, along a canal, or anywhere near a farm, but it was perfectly legal to camp in a city park for free, up to three nights.) 

He asked what I thought he might be here for? (Now he was totally playing with me!) I told Him I really did not know. Told him I thought it was odd that a Trooper would travel 50-miles down a dead-end dirt road, unless he had spotted me doing something wrong up on the highway and it took him this long to catch up to me. He laughed, admitting I was correct. Then quickly assured me he had not spotted me doing anything wrong. But what caught his attention was someone with Oregon plates exploring very remote roads, and when I did not return to the highway in a short time, he wanted to follow and see if I was alright. (Of Course my head was spinning, and I was distracted, so I just accepted what his reason was, not giving it much thought.)

I asked if he knew I would be naked when he approached Me? He said yes, since all my clothes were piled on my car seat.  But clearly naked was not a concern for him. My very first thought was I was gonna be arrested for nakedness, but he made that clear it was not the reason right away. I asked why he was here, since he still had not told me, and clearly he had no problem with me being naked, was sitting on a boulder casually in front of me. He was not at all creepy, or uncomfortable. He did look at my entire body, but more in a curious way, not a leering, ogling, uncomfortable way. He was very comfortable to be near. Which was odd for me, since I was still learning to be seen while naked. I asked what his reason for asking me out of the water was. He grinned and finally told me the Law he needed to enforce. In New York State, it is Illegal to Swim Alone. Period.

In New York State, It is illegal to Swim Alone. It does not matter if it is a puddle, a pond, a stream, a pool, or a river. Any water, you must have someone there with you. I jokingly (and nervously!) told him “Well I was a certified life guard at age of ten, and an expert swimmer, too. He laughed, and said “You cannot save yourself.” He looked at my pile of items on the rock in the river, asked what those were? I told him I hoped to bathe, shave and enjoy some swimming. He glanced at my stubbly bikini region, and grinned. He asked about my travels, and what brought me to New York?”

Yipes! How much did he know, and how much should I say?? Did he know I ran away from Oregon? Was he baiting me? Did he know about the incident in Nebraska?? Did he somehow Know I was planning to kill myself here?? Oh, I was a nervous wreck, and he could see it! He was good! He said, “Never mind about your travels. Let’s talk about your needs right now. Right now you seek to get clean and shave, correct?” I said yes. He clearly could see more than he admitted, yet something in him also showed me he was not going to harm me in any way. He said that since I was not allowed to do that alone, that presented a problem.  I asked if he was allowed to leave and pretend I was not at the water all alone? He said he could not pretend he had not found me here, and he absolutely would not leave me here alone. He pointed at the rock I had placed on top of the boulder. He said “That rock sure is a beauty that you pulled from the water!” I again was caught off-guard! He looked at me, noticing I got nervous. He said, “It is wet, so it stood out, I noticed it had a red-layer imbedded in the grey rock, and wet in the sunlight it sure shines bright! You found The Most beautiful rock in the whole river!” Omigosh! I was freaking out! Did he know?? Or was he truly only noticing the natural beauty of the rock I had selected? I looked at the rock, and sure enough, it really was a beautiful rock! Did he know? Was that why he insisted he could not leave me here alone?

I was faced with needing to get in my car and drive away, or finding a way to get him to leave. I doubted I would succeed in getting him to leave. I decided I had nothing to lose. I got bold, and asked “Well, You are here. Could that count as not being alone?” I seriously thought he would just tell me to get in my  car and leave. He first looked kinda stern at me, then thought about it a second. He knew how to solve the problem. He said he had some reports to write, and it had been a while since he sat by the river and wrote his reports. He got up, said “go about your business, I will be here so you are not alone in the water.” He went over the hill to his car. I went to my supplies out on that rock. When I looked again, he was returning with his clipboard, went and sat under a tree, just a few yards from where I was.

At first I was nervous about actually bathing and possibly shaving in front of him. But he clearly was not giving me a second-look. He truly was writing his reports. I still wondered if he knew?

I first soaped-up while in the water, then climbed up on the rock, and re-soaped so I could use the suds as shaving lubricant. I mention in previous blogs about the infrequency of being able to fully shave my whole body. It had been months, and all I kept shaved was my bikini region. I shaved only my bikini region this time, too. After I rinsed in the water, I gathered my items, and went back to the shore near where he was. He glanced up and down my body, and said “I still have more reports to write, if you want to finish shaving.” I felt a wee-bit mortified that he had noticed so much about me! Now I was suddenly feeling “on display” instead of totally safe. He noticed my change in how I carried myself. He apologized for making me uncomfortable. He meant it, too. He said he would be here for another half-hour if I should decide I wanted more time in the water. Then without a glance, or a word, went back to his work.

I decided to place my items on the shore and go for some more swimming. I went back to where that one rock was on top of the boulder. I held it, admired it. I started crying. I did not want him to notice I was crying, so I placed it back on the boulder, and went under the water where tears do not show. As I came up, I noticed he was watching me quite closely. He had to know… But could he really? I Did notice the free feeling of the water in my bikini area, compared to the not so free feeling where the hair was on the rest of my body. I decided to take him up on his offer and do a full shave. I tried to make sure he did not see me grab my soap and razor, but he looked up and smiled, giving me a “it’s ok” look. Something about him told me I did not need to hide or be embarrased at all in front of him. I thought how odd it was that he came along just before I could kill myself, and also that he was being so careful to make me comfortable, was being so kind, giving, and concerned about how I was, and whether he made me nervous. I decided to shave right there, just a few feet in front of him. He smiled as he did his reports, but something about him made me feel very comfortable near him. I shaved every inch of my body, including my stubbly chin. Oh it felt wonderful!! Shaving in nature is such an awesome experience compared to shaving in a shower!

I knew his half-hour was almost up. I rinsed thoroughly, and went for another decent swim. I went back to the shore and got out near where he was. As I came to the shore, he said with a smile, "Yes, you certainly are an expert swimmer! You stay under water longer than anyone I've known, and if the water was not clear I would have sworn you drowned. But I could see you were swimming long distance under water." (I cringed thinking he really must know, and each time I went under water, he was thinking he would have to rescue me!) He looked-up, glanced up and down my whole body, grinned, then got up and said “My work here is done.”  As I toweled off, he said “Have a good journey. Oh, and there is a perfect campground just North up the road for you about thirty miles, told me the name of the campground. I hope you find what you need.” I asked how he knew what campground was good for me? He grinned, said he knew a lot more about me than I thought he knew. And with that he walked away, got in his car and left.  He knew I would now soon be leaving in my car behind him. How did he know??

I was now really wondering! How much did he know? When and where did he actually spot me in my car, and how long had he followed me? Did he follow me to see if I was trying to commit suicide?? Did he decide that if my priority was to get clean and to shave, and that if he showed me a little love and concern he knew it would go a lot further than any scorning could?  I also now wondered how much of that “law” was for real, and how much was not. (I Later lookedit up, and it was real. In New York State, it is illegal to swim, or be in any water alone.)

I was both really happy, and a bit conflicted. Who was that Trooper, and what did he know? What did he mean about a “perfect campground”?  Before leaving, I glanced once more at that rock, and thought how Ironic that the one I chose already hada streak the same color as Blood in it. I decided I should get dressed and leave before any of the wonderful turned bad.  As I drove out along that dirt road, I pondered a lot. I looked for that Trooper, suspecting he was parked, waiting to see if I would actually leave, or if I would go back to the water. But he had left. He knew he did all he was supposed to do. I could see the whole way out his return-trip tire tracks. At no point did he find a spot to pull off and wait. At the highway, I saw his dirt-tracks onto the pavement went the same way he mentioned about the campground, but I did not give it a second thought.

In my journey of seeking where I needed to go next, I really had no idea, but just went where it felt “right” each time I got to a choice in direction. I really did not consider that I WOULD go camp where this Trooper “suggested”, but that direction up the road seemed to take me where I needed to go.

In the beginning of this writing I mentioned how I kept finding “life” in my quest for death. This day was exactly that. The odd thing was each time I failed at suicide, I actually was learning something more valuable. I did not allow those valuable lessons to sink-in at that time. It would take years for me to truly grasp that I found life while seeking death. This day, and The Trooper were one in many weeks worth of accumulated lessons that would eventually lead me to be the living person I am today.

You probably wonder if I did go to that campground the Trooper mentioned? Yup I did. I almost did not even enter once I saw the list of prices for a night. Part of running away means you have zero resources for income, and you only have what money is in your pocket. Camping at pricey campgrounds is something I typically would avoid, and especially under these circumstances. But something told me I needed to stop at the ranger's office and at least see...

... As I walked into the ranger's office, I was greeted by name. I was a bit surprised to say the least. I asked how he knew my name? The ranger handed me my own Driver's License! Now I was a bit more freaked-out. He apologized, and meant it for freaking me out. He quickly told me my night of camping was already paid for, and my license was just waiting for me to be returned. The nice Ranger showed me on the map where my spot was for the night. He explained "This was The Perfect spot for what I needed tonight." I asked how it was possible that my license was already here, my spot already assigned, and was paid for? He smiled, and said to "Just Enjoy it." He explained the location where my site was would be "A Safe place for the night". I was not sure what exactly he meant by that. He told me to not worry, just go, be free, relax, and to be sure and come see him before I departed the next day.

 I will write more about that campground, The Ranger, and that night in another post. (I mentioned it briefly long ago in a blog about naked campfires, but I barely mentioned it, and did not show the connection to the day leading up to it.)

For now, Know that I am Alive because God sends the right Angels at the right time. (It is ok if you do not believe in God, or in Angels. I will not attempt to force you to believe. I believe.) That Trooper was sent to show me the joys of life, give me the much needed love, and show me he knew without being mean about it. I went away from there confused, of course. I was still wishing I could die, and just decided I would have to wait for the next opportunity, but knew that place was not meant to be where I died. I also found out that night that I would stop trying to find a way to die for many more days. That trooper, and That Campground were the Start of Really Learning what was valuable in Life. I found abundant life in the next few days. But that was not the end of my Suicide attempts.

Why am I writing about such horrific thoughts? Well, you may think the thoughts are horrific. But they are real. I am not the only person whose thinks this way. Suicide is one of the most misunderstood things in our society. If more people understand, and accept that this is real, less people will be shocked when it happens. Also perhaps that Trooper was once suicidal, understands it himself, and knew how to be at the right place, and say the right things to help me to live. There is a misconception that people can prevent suicide. Nope. A person cannot prevent suicide. But that person’s actions can change the path of the one who is suicidal, and that new path can lead the suicidal person to the places they really need to be. If that person lives, they will take the lessons taught on to make a better life, and hopefully help others go where they need to be.

It took me many years of struggles to even be able to talk about my suicide attempts. It is not at easy even after all these years. Although it may seem I am kinda relaxed about it now, and make it every-day conversation, it is always a struggle. It takes a lot to not allow myself to actually feel those emotions again as I am finally able to tell what happened so long ago. I am just glad I am finally able to put some of it into words.

No Matter your struggles, fears, worries, and battles. I can promise you: Someone else in this huge world understands. I Hope you are open to those who come at the right time to be your Angels.