Let's Talk About Death

Let’s Talk about Death and Dying

I know most people pretend to be shocked, scared, afraid, and even horrified of the topic.

WHY?

From the moment we are born, we begin to learn, understand, and grasp our world. Every day we are experiencing so many things that prepare us for our future. That future is wild and varied. There are millions of things that can happen, and each decision we make affects what those future events will be. Many things are predictable, even to be expected. Some things catch us by surprise. As we grow daily, we should be gaining understanding, even learning how to feel about these things.

There are many things we should never be shocked, surprised, or going through life not expecting to happen. Death is one of those.

But so many people seem shocked, act like it was not expected, or like they never thought it would affect them.

People act like Death is horrible, or that people should not have died, or that they died too soon.

Two things are certain in this Universe: Death Will Happen. Nobody can die before it is their time.

You are welcome to disagree with these. That is your choice. If you do, however, you are creating the problems I mentioned above (shock, disbelief, confusion, surprise, even worry).

Sure, Death can be very upsetting, causing voids, grief, emptiness, sadness … Those can only be addressed once we each experience death around us. These are things we can learn some from watching others affected, and gain understanding, possibly even gain some sort of expectation how it could affect us when that time comes that the death is close, or personal, to ourselves.

Death really is the one area that people behave horribly when it comes close to them.

I do not pretend to be some sort of all-knowing guru. I DO choose to pay attention, and prepare myself for the things that I know will affect me. WHY DO I CHOOSE to pay attention in great detail to DEATH?? Because I FEEL IT. EVERY PERSON I HAVE EVER KNOWN who has died, I HAVE KNOWN BEFORE ANYONE CONTACTED ME, or Before I saw it in the news.

By Learning about Death, By Choosing to Understand Death, By Choosing to Accept Death as something that WILL affect Me, I can be prepared for Death when it happens. I CHOOSE To Learn, Because I KNOW it Will Affect me. How it affects me is easier if I know it will happen.

Being aware, educated, understanding of Death is no different than anything else in life we prepare for. It should not matter what the life-lesson is, If We Know it will happen, we should teach ourselves to be better prepared for it. Learning about death should be no different than anything else you prepare for. But it is. Most people ignore Death, even go through life pretending it is not there. They are afraid of it, which also causes them to freak-out when it does happen.

Imagine if everyone eagerly learned about Death like we do everything else we all prepare for?
When we learn to walk, we also learn to fall. We learn We WILL Fall, so we learn all about falling, what hurts less, and how to possibly gain more balance, hopefully learning to fall less-often and we learn more about it. When we learn to swim, we know the water hurts when we accidentally breathe it in. We know that ultimately we want to learn how to NOT choke, how to not be hurt by the water. We learn how the water can harm us, so that we can learn to be comfortable, calm, and actually find comfort and peace in something that could be harmful. When we learn to eat, we know we will choke if we are not paying attention. We learn how some foods affect us differently after we’ve eaten them. We learn how to fuel our minds and bodies with the different foods, instead of how to continue harming ourselves, or pretending to be shocked when we eat certain foods. When we learn to drive, We KNOW we will get in a wreck and get hurt, so we teach ourselves to be prepared for it. We know a vehicle could lose control, so we learn how to skid, steer, and maneuver during those situations so we can hopefully avoid the wreck, or at least minimize the impact. We know a car will skid on ice, so we purposefully go out to a safe place in the ice and practice skidding so we know how it will behave, and how to regain control. We do not just go barreling down an icy road and expect we will not lose control. We learn about Fire, because We KNOW Fire Will affect us at some point, and we want to learn all about it so we are prepared when it does affect us. We learn how a fire starts, how it spreads, and how to control it if we want the fire (camp fire, fireplace, candle, tiki torch, etc), and how to extinguish it if we do not want it. We learn about electricity because we KNOW it will Hurt us if we are not careful with it. We learn to use electricity wisely and cautiously because we know how much it hurts when we get careless with it.

So, Why on Earth do so many people pretend Death is not something we should learn about? Why do so many people pretend it is scary, unexpected, or even shocking when it happens?

Why do people pretend Death is horrible? Why do So many people pretend Death of a certain age, gender, ethnicity, nationality, religion, etc it more horrible? EVERY SOUL in this Universe is EQUAL. The media is ridiculous about this. No matter what Death is being reported, they always focus on how many children, or how many women, or how many of this religion, or how many of that country, or how many were military, or how many were police officers, or how many were parents, or how many were (pick a category, title, status, education level, job-type, country, gender …) It is completely ridiculous, and only helps to fuel the shock, fear, and confusion. Death is Death. Each Soul, whether Human, Animal, Insect, Alien … Death is Equal. No Death is a “Greater Loss”.

I Know Most people will not understand my views. I do not expect them to. BUT I DO Expect that when Death occurs (and it WILL), that others not Cause more harm by their own lack of understanding, or lack of expectation.

What does that mean? It means that when Death happens, Let Each person Feel, process, sort, and go through it as it is best for them. It means Do not Force Your feelings, or Desires, on another.

There is not a soul in our Universe that can tell another how they should or should not feel once death affects them. Nor is there a certain way any one person will, or will not feel. There is no right or wrong in how we feel or are affected. Each Person Can and Should be allowed to tell others what is harmful to that individual during the process.  Nobody should ever attempt to hijack another’s emotions and demand anything from that individual during the process. But if someone goes through life pretending they were not expecting death, that is their own creation in failing to accept what they have seen from birth and should be prepared for. Often, though, many people get extremely selfish and forget to think how their desires will affect another. When Death affects someone, I choose to see what that person’s needs are, never approaching them with what I want. If they are silent, that is their choice. If they choose to be alone, that is their choice. If they choose to join online discussions about it, that is their choice. If they choose to remain offline, that is their choice. But so many think they should not be allowed to make those choices, and force their desires upon them … especially in today’s instant-online-world.

I WILL NEVER Be SHOCKED by DEATH. But that DOES NOT mean I do not FEEL it. I FEEL it on a Spiritual level, not an Earthly level. What does that mean? Well, I cannot in a few sentences explain Spirituality, But it means I am connected in feeling with the Universe. It is in MY SOUL, not in my mind. I connect with living beings spiritually. I feel spiritually. I interact spiritually. My Heart, Soul, and Mind are Spiritual, not physical. Our Lives on this Earth are a Spiritual Journey in a physical world. Most people go through life in a physical journey seeking spirituality. I came into this Earth as a Spiritual Being, forced to attempt to understand the Physical world. Ever wonder why I love nature? Nature operates in unison with the Spiritual world. So much of the physical world is in direct conflict with the Spiritual World. This is why so many people freak out when Death occurs. They seek Physical understanding, instead of Spiritual. I cannot understand this.

It should be no surprise to anyone that knows me that I AM a Spiritual Being. It should also be no surprise to anyone why I got upset when so many tagged me in the horrible even that Happened in Las Vegas on Oct 1^st.

I deleted my FaceBook because of how Awful so many were behaving, and Forcing their desires upon me.
Want to know how to behave when something horrific like that happens? Simple: Pretend we are still in 1970. Pretend there is no FaceBook. BE PATIENT. Yes, Really. YOU DO NOT NEED to KNOW INSTANTLY. YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING whether someone was or was not at the incident. YOU DO NOT NEED to Know Instantly if someone is Hurt, or even Dead. Want to Know how to know if Someone is affected?? Tune in Spiritually into our Universe. You WILL KNOW. Blowing-up someone’s phone, or online-place is Totally not Acceptable. That is totally ONLY to Satisfy Your own selfish need to feel you somehow have control, or could do anything about what happens.  NOTHING YOU DO in blowing up someone’s phone, or tagging them online helps ANYONE but Your own selfishness. No Matter IF they Were or were not affected, What could you possibly do to change that?? Nothing. TRUST The Universe. TUNE in to your own Spirituality. WORRY NEVER HELPS. NEVER. Name me one situation where WORRY had any sort of positive outcome? You DO NOT NEED to KNOW INSTANTLY. YOU WILL KNOW when the time is right.

This Trust in The Universe I mention? That is Spirituality. It is Not Physical. May I suggest a VERY Simple way for you to begin a Spiritual Journey and Connection?? Unplug. Yes. Unplug. Get away from your phone, ipod, music, facebook. Go sit somewhere in nature. Experience Nature. Look up at the Stars. Watch them, understand them. Watch the Ocean. Not building sand castles, or Frisbee on the beach. Go sit someplace next to the ocean and connect with it. Walk into a Forest and FEEL what the Trees have to offer. Sit on a Mountain. Alone. Let YOUR Spirituality Speak, and connect. Not Tuning in to what another wants. You. The Universe. It will Blow Your Mind. Only Once You Connect with The Spiritual Universe will you understand why YOU NEVER NEED to Immediately KNOW about another.

Why did ALL of you online piss me off?? BECAUSE WHILE I was Attempting to take care of myself, feel what I needed to Feel, Sort What I needed to Sort, balance all that I was Feeling From ALL THE LIVES Affected, I was Forced to Stop and Satisfy YOUR Selfish needs. Imagine if YOU were the one so closely affected and instead of taking care of your own Spiritual and Mental well-being, suddenly You were forced to answer hundreds of people questions, all because They felt they needed to know instantly, or feel because something is trending online, they all needed to also join the trend.(here’s a Hint: FaceBook does NOT Exist to help You in your spiritual journey. FaceBook Exists to make money. EVERYTHING FaceBook does is to Generate money, gather information about you, and steer the user in whatever direction benefits FB most. In FB, We are The Product, NOT the Customer. If Facebook posts something about a disaster, the sole purpose is to get you to join-in. Nothing about that post is intended to help anyone. Ask yourself, Seriously: How does getting thousands of people to join a post, tag others, etc help anyone? It does not. Also think about this: IF someone wants to use FB to tell people they are safe in a situation, they would post on their own profile. Nobody will go searching for some random generic post to notify their loved ones they are ok. They will post in their own profile where if anyone was seeking information, they would logically go look.) It is No Secret that I always teach “You are free to do what you want in this Universe, as Long As it DOES NO HARM to yourself or Another.” Well, None of you posting and tagging stopped to consider how Much you were harming others. ALWAYS STOP. Consider. Be Patient. NOBODY NEEDS to KNOW Instantly.

Speaking of tuning-in Spiritually:
Sometimes it is Horrible. But That is Because You will Feel things in much more Magnitude than the ones who do not feel Spiritually. I was Born a Spiritual being. I have been forced to learn more about many things than most ever consider. Often it means I feel things before they happen. Then you just gotta bear that pain until it does. But once it does, you feel a sort-of-relief.

The event in Las Vegas on Oct 1^st was one of those.

I always knew that event-center would be the most horrific thing to ever happen in Vegas.

On the second day after I moved to Vegas, in 2011, I happened to go to The Mandalay Bay, and happened to walk that whole area. From the moment I got off the Bus at Mandalay Bay, I could not stand how it felt. It was an absolute Horrible Spiritual-unrest area. The Entire Mandalay Bay Property, The Luxor Property, The Property across the street (which at that time was a parking lot with broken lamp posts, weeds growing through the cracked asphalt, and run-down old carnival equipment, broken casino equipment, and abandoned Semi-trailers), and The Tropicana Property Was an Area I could not comfortable even walk through.  I still to this day never have researched what happened in that area long ago to cause it to be a Spiritual Unrest area. But I knew it was a Horrible spot. Years later they cleaned up that old parking lot, and made it The Mandalay Bay Event Center. When They Did, I told everyone I knew to NEVER go to an Event there, Because I could Feel it would Be The Worst Thing to Ever happen in Vegas. I could Feel It. I could not feel WHEN it would, only that it would. Every time anyone I knew told me they were attending an event there, I would warn them about what I felt. Without fail, every one of them would tell me after the event that they also could feel it while there, most would leave the event before it was done, because they felt like something awful was going to happen.

I have no idea how long now it has been the event center. But I do know that every time I saw an advertisement for it, I would cry out in pain.

As the week of this year’s Route 91 Music Festival approached, many people arrived at the airport where I work, excited to go to this event. They flew to Vegas only to attend this event. I tried to tell them this was a bad idea, and KNEW this Event Was the one that would be Horrific. But because I work for the airline and at the airport, I also am expected to present a false encouragement to these travelers, even when I know it will be harmful to them.

As the event weekend came, I saw many people posting online about music festivals, and outdoor events they were at. I carefully looked over the photos and videos they posted to be sure they were NOT at the Route 91 festival.  Fortunately none of my friends were at that festival. (turns out later, I found out a friend Was There, but I had not seen any  posts, nor had she mentioned it before going).

The night of Oct 1^st, Oddly I went to sleep very peacefully. I even had the window wide open, and no fan running. I live just over 2-miles from the event. I did not hear a sound as I fell asleep just before 9pm. I slept more solid and more peacefully than I usually do. I woke at 3:30 am and Immediately could feel something happened. The Universe Felt Silent. It was an Eerie calm. After I got my coffee, I realized it was the same feel the universe had on the morning of Sept 11^th 2001 when I woke. I Could Feel ALL The Horror. I knew immediately Nobody I knew was killed.  I knew Immediately why I slept so peacefully and did not hear a sound: The Universe made sure I detached from what I normally felt, otherwise being SO Close to me, It would have destroyed me. IF I was tuned-in like normal, I WOULD HAVE FELT EVERY PERSON being Shot, injured and killed.

Living just over 2-miles from where it happened was horrible to feel. But even worse, was When I went to work. The airport shares the property with the event place. I was arriving to THE SAME PLACE WHERE IT HAPPENED! I was less than a Mile, and Could FEEL it all WAAAy too Much!

When I arrived at work in the morning, It was The Hardest Thing ever to See all the people at the airport early, just wanting to “Leave this horrible place” … These were the same people I tried to convince upon arrival that they did not want to attend that event. They were freshly bandaged, some still had blood splatters on their clothes. They had only what they were wearing at the event. They left their suitcases and all their other worldly belongings behind. Many were leaving behind friends and family in the hospitals with uncertain futures. Once they were treated and released they only wanted to get out and go home.

Fortunately (and unfortunately at the same time) I was teaching that week. Fortunately, because it removed me from full-interaction face-to-face with all the affected travelers. That would have been unbearable for me to feel and continue. Also fortunately, because teaching Is an Amazing Distraction, focusing on growing, and the future. The Unfortunate side of being a teacher that week was that the class room is at the end of the building closer to the event. I could feel it much more in the classroom than at the check in counter area.

Later, I would learn that some of those leaving without their suitcases left them behind because The Mandalay Bay Hotel was on lockdown, and the travelers were not allowed to go get their belongings. Later, The Mandalay Bay released their belongings, and we would have to arrange to deliver them back home to the travelers. Some were flown home on Medivac flights, and the luggage could not be transported with them, so we also arranged to deliver their bags. That also was horrific to handle.

I took a much-needed vacation as soon as I was done with Teaching that week. Besides just needing a Vacation/ break, I also needed time to just sort/ process/ feel all that was part of that week.  As My vacation began, I Did feel an unusual strong urge to go walk by the place where it happened. I Already Know this is not how I normally feel, and normally need to stay far away because I would feel all the pain too much. But as my vacation went-on, The feel subsided. I did not purposely go down there. One day by chance I was in a friend’s car on the way to breakfast, and we drove past. Just driving past was difficult, but not overwhelming. It had been 12 days already, and they still had the entire event place cordoned off with crime scene tape, and officers on guard all around the property. None of the items set-up for the event had been touched. Banners, booths, food trailers, merchandise vendors, sound-systems, performer rv’s … Everything was exactly where it was when it all happened. The two windows on the 32^nd floor of The Mandalay Bay were boarded-up but painted a similar color of gold as the iconic gold-mirrored-glass that the windows are. Unless anyone already knew which windows were broken-out, they would hardly notice the boarded up ones. I happened to know, because I could see them broken and the curtains billowing out the morning after when I arrived at work. Yes my work is that close to all of this.

I decided as we drove past, I really did not need to go visit the site on foot.  4-days later, I just happened to be nearby on The Strip. (nearby a block away at Tropicana. I only intended to catch a bus to the Town Square for some shopping. Town Square is about 1-1/2 miles beyond The Mandalay Bay. The bus went right down The Strip. Stopped in front of Mandalay Bay. As soon as it stopped, it was unbearable. I knew right then, there was no way I could go visit the site in person. I realized it was so unbearable BEFORE this happened, No Way I will purposely go there now.  Even at the Town Square, it was really unbearable. I got back on the bus, and went to the South Outlets, where it was totally fine.

I learned sometime after the incident, about what concert-goers describe as “Some Crazy Lady disturbing the concert-goers with cries of ‘get out, you all will die’”.  Ha. That totally would have been me if I was down there! I find it sad how many now say things like “omigosh, obviously she was an accomplice” or “she obviously knew of the shooter’s plan”. Umm, No. That is exactly what being spiritually tuned-in is. Trusting your feelings, and not just dismissing them. It is said that security escorted her out, describing her as “A Crazy homeless person”. If only people would actually pay attention to those of us deemed as “Crazy”. We are deemed as “Crazy” because we are tuned-in, instead of choosing not to be like most of the people.  I have spoken to many of my friends who actually were planning to go, even had tickets, but they felt something was not right, so did not go. Most people sell tickets if they will not attend an event they purchase tickets for. But every one of my friends who did not go said the same thing: Did not feel right to sell the tickets that day. They are the ones listening to what the Universe is telling them.

I also heard from many of my friends who stated “I Knew you were not there, and Knew you were not physically harmed, nor dead.” To Those, I say THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU For tuning-in.
But beyond simply tuning-in, a little logic also would tell most that I never would have been there. Y’all already know that IF I was planning to attend something like a festival, I would post the shit outta that in advance with enthusiasm and excitement. Also, y’all already know there is no way I would go on a work night, and most likely would not go to a crowded concert with strobe lights. But One glance at any online site I participate in, and you would know for sure if I was there or not.  But like I mentioned above, People lose their mind when Death is mentioned. This is Why I Try and teach people to prepare for such things. If You are aware it can and will happen, You will approach it with understanding and logic, instead of hurtful actions.

Now, A bit more about how I feel about Death.

Kinda fitting, that the last thing I posted online before going to bed that night was a poem about Death. A friend had sent a cartoon drawing of a tombstone, with instructions to “Fill-it in, and send it back for him to reshare”. He had sent it the week prior, but I tend to wait until the time feel is right to do such things. That evening was when I felt it was right. I even knew what to fill in on my tombstone. A Poem Called “I'm not here”.  Here is a photo of what I sent: (The Orignal is pictured at the top of this blog, and also hangs in my home.)

How Do I feel about Death?

To me, Death means you have finished the race, crossed the finish line, and can finally stop the never-ending battle to exist on the physical side of Earth. It Means you have Finally escaped, Found total peace, and are finally free of the Earthly Burdens. Death is Certain. Every Living Thing Dies.  I have written many blogs previously  about my views on Death.

Some may think I am heartless, or uncaring when Death occurs because I do not behave irrationally like most do.  This would be the same as they react after seeing me in some other event. I have been in burning buildings, and take care of the situation as if it was no big deal. I have been attacked by gangs, and witnesses say how it looked like I was just not phased, or emotional at all. I have had guns and knives pulled on me. I take care of the problem, and move-on.  How I choose to behave when something happens is Always based on learning from previous experiences. I have been in situations where I lose it emotionally. Then I learn how to do it better the next time. Ask yourself this: Would you rather lose it emotionally and have the situation get the best of you, or would you rather study, learn, understand and keep your cool so that you can take care of the situation? People who go thru life pretending something is shocking and letting their emotions get the best of them are the ones who cause the most harm to themselves and others. I KNOW from past experiences how it feels. It hurts either way. But the hurt is much less when I stay calm, and stop whatever is happening than to freak out and get the worst of it. If I freaked out, not only did I have the pain of the event to deal with, but also the guilt of not taking care of it as I should have. Life is so much less painful when we learn, understand, and prepare for it.

I treat Death just like every other situation in life.

I WANT to Know about it, Understand it, and be Prepared for it.

No way I want to be scared to go through life. I want to thrive, and enjoy as much of it as possible. If I gotta exist in a physical world, I will make the most of it, and hopefully be happy while doing it. To go through life pretending something like death cannot happen, or be shocked when it does would be crippling.

I know most like to embrace phases like “Life is short, so … (fill-in the blank)” I disagree. Life is NOT Short. It is THE LONGEST thing we do on this Earth. Think about it. You complain that you had a long commute to work. You complain you had a long wait at the Dr’s office. You complain that the checkout line was long. You complain you had a Long walk to get somewhere. You complain that you had a long night, or a Long shift at work. You complain that your server took a long time to bring your food. You complain that you waited a long time for your Birthday, or Vacation, or to See someone, or to see a Movie, Concert, or an event. Or complain that Friday is a Long Ways off. Or That you went a long time without sex, a beer, cheesecake, or whatever. Yet, then you say Life is Short, so …

… Please explain to me how you feel life is short. Yes, I know people mean it is often ended before they expected it to. Or it could end before they expect it to. BUT IT IS LITERALLY THE LONGEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO ON THIS EARTH. I do not say “Life is Short, so …” I Always say “Life is Long, …” Meaning because we are here for a long time, why wouldn’t you want to make it as happy as possible? Why wouldn’t you strive to make it as pleasant as possible? Why Wouldn’t you try to make the longest thing you ever do less-shocking, and more livable?

Some of you (most, hopefully) know I have attempted Suicide. I actually was released from the Psych Ward while still wanting to kill myself.  Wait, WHAT? You Say? Yup. The Psych Ward KNEW I WANTED to Die. I still do. This is not a secret. As I’ve said before, having to live as a Spiritual Being in a physical World is miserable. Living on this Earth is horrible. I’d Rather be dead, and reunited with the Spiritual side. (Now before any of you decide to freak out, STOP. Think about this.)  I was released from The Psych Ward in 2005. Notice I am still Alive. Why, You Ask?? Because I learned from my attempted suicides. Just like everything else in life. I learned the pain I was causing was not making me happier. I learned I am Not Allowed to Die yet. Yes, You read that right. I am NOT ALLOWED TO DIE YET. This is when I realized Nobody can die before their time they are supposed-to. One of the things I have learned in my Spiritual Journey is that everything happens when it is supposed, how it is supposed-to, and why it is supposed-to. Yes, We Do have control to a degree. Everything we do does determine the path we will take until our time to leave the living side of Earth arrives. I think I have written some of the detail of how and where I attempted suicide. (it’s been years since I actively wrote … I’d have to go look and see if I actually published those … I know I have told many in person, but not sure I ever put those in a blog.)

It actually is quite comical to know that there is nothing I cannot do if I decide I will do it … Except Suicide. All the failed attempts really are comical when ya look how thorough I was, and how they should never have failed. I am in no way making light of suicide. What leads people to attempt suicide is horrible. The path one goes down while suicidal is beyond fucked-up mentally. It took me years to openly talk about it. Why did I start talking about it?? Because THAT IS THE REASON I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DIE YET. I am Here to help others, and I do.

This Also is Why even after I deleted my FaceBook, when it reappeared yesterday, with notification from FB saying “it’s been three-weeks, we thought you might want to come back” I actually Laughed. Because the day before while talking with a friend about how I helped them learn to be body-positive, not afraid of depression, and not afraid of death were all from where she saw me posting in Facebook. Yes, I despise FB for how we are the product. I thrive mostly in Snapchat now, and a little in Instagram, and random other sites. While I was off of FB, I enjoyed not having to feel the need to even look at it. But The driving force in why I am Still Alive on This Earth is to help as many people as possible to learn to love themselves, learn to be Spiritual, and learn to Live a Joyous Life, since it IS The Longest Thing We will do. While I would love it if more friends would join me in Snapchat, For whatever reason, that seems to not be happening. Facebook sadly is the place where I can reach more of my friends daily. It is convenient, and I can easily find older posts in my archives.

For now, I have my FB active again. If you are one of the offenders who likes to hijack others’ emotions while they are dealing with Death, or some other event, I will Remind you that you are misbehaving, and likely remove you, instead of remove myself.

My Journey in Life is to Continue on my Spiritual Journey, Teach Body-positive, Self-love, and how to be over-all Positive. If you wish to come along, I will not remove you. However, another thing I have learned is that I am not afraid to let the trash take itself out. If you attempt to harm me, I will let you put yourself in the dumpster.

Oh! I almost forgot!

Let’s talk about ENERGY and how it affects us.
If You are one of those people who sees a story on the news, or social media, and immediately worries about someone you know in that city the news happened in, STOP THAT!
Do you understand how Energy Works?? What you focus-on, manifests. So Why On Earth would you see a news story. Let’s use Vegas as an Example. You see a story about Vegas, and immediately Worry that I am included, or might be affected. Excuse me?!? There are two Million People in Vegas, and You choose to place that negative Energy Into My Aura~! Hell Naw~ The same thing used to happen in Portland: People would see a news story about a pedestrian getting hit by a car, and immediately worry that It was ME. Umm Excuse Me!?? Like there are how many Hundreds of thousands of Pedestrians, yet you want to project that Negative Ass Energy My way?? KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF!

Shiiit If I am Not allowed to Kill Myself, and Do ALL I Can daily to keep a positive vibe, and find the positive, Yet You All Are Projecting that Shit on Me!? Shiit! No wonder life is a struggle! Imagine if I was not so strong, how far y’all would push me down!  Do Me a favor: I Work Daily to Lift You up, PLEASE DO THE SAME FOR ME.

As for When Will I Die?
Be assured When I die, I will be Doing Something Wonderful. It Will be My Time, and I hope Every one Who Says  they Love me, comes to Celebrate My Life, not Mourn my death. I Sure Hope that When I Die, EVERY One of The People I have helped along the way says the same thing: “It was Time for that Magical Unicorn To Go on to The Spiritual Side.” Hopefully not one utters the words “That Unicorn was taken too soon.” Bitch, Please! I already have been here Waaaay Longer than I ever expected. The struggle is real. Let me go already!

 LIFE IS LONG. MAKE IT ENJOYABLE. BE AS FREE AS POSSIBLE. LET YOUR UNICORN OUTTA THE CLOSET. 

Betty, I am Sorry

It wasn’t you. It was Me.

I am 47 and I think I might finally be growing-up.

I owe an apology and a hug to someone I hurt 10 years ago.
Betty. I am sorry.
You have been on my heart a lot this week. Actually lots more than this week. You have been on my heart since I hurt you ten years ago. But most of that time was filled with resentment, hatred, and anger. This last month, I realized I was the one who hurt you.

~Gasp! Whaaaat?? You mean I might have been wrong? You mean I might have learned, grown, and finally seen the view from another’s eyes??  As shocking as this may be to some, I actually do this quite often. I love learning, having my eyes opened, and growing in life. What is shocking is that it took me ten years to notice it this time.

Sooo, why am I actually saying I am sorry to someone ten years later, instead of just letting it go, and forgetting about it? Someone who I have not seen, or heard from in ten-years, and have no idea if I would actually ever cross her path again? Because sometimes just letting it go will never close the wound. Sometimes we gotta do what is best for the one we hurt, and let them know we are sorry. 

Today is the start of my weekend. I usually like to just relax, sip my coffee, sort pictures from my last week’s journeys, and not have to do anything of real importance. Today, however, as soon as I began sipping my first cuppa coffee, I started putting my thoughts into words. I do not write as much anymore, although I really find writing my thoughts can be quite therapeutic. I seem to rather work on creative projects, be in the sun, and just let my mind wander without forming actual sensible thoughts. Today, I knew I needed to spend a couple hours finalizing what I felt for the past few weeks.

Ten years ago, was 2005. I was just beginning to learn who I truly was. I was learning to once again learn how to live naked, learn how to accept who I am, and allow some freedoms to be explored. My life was turned upside down, I was in turmoil with my employment, finances, and relationships. Nothing was stable, nothing was balanced. Everything was new, and I was struggling to find who I really was. I was not in a stable home-environment, and had no true place to call my home. I was offered a place to live by Betty. I will not go into the details of the living arrangement, nor details of other issues I was struggling with.

But Betty opened up her home, and provided me with an opportunity that at the time actually was a blessing.  For the most part, everything in the home was great. Some of my own insecurities became the issues, when she already knew who she was, and what her comfort-levels were. I took some of her comforts and how she openly said her views toward me personally, and hurtful. It has taken me 10-years to actually see how she was the one who had the freedom, expressed that freedom, and welcomed me to also accept that freedom. She accepted me for who I was, even though I had not yet figured all that out.  Her freedoms and expressions actually scared me. I tried to express my fear, but it never quite came out the right way. Mostly because I still had not figured-out who I really was.

What I find interesting is that there were four of us who lived in the same house. For the most part, it was totally safe, totally comfortable, and I should have realized how wonderful it was. But like I said, It was not you. It was me.

When I left, and how I left was wrong. I hurt a lot of people in the way I left. I have addressed many of those hurts through the years. Most I noticed right away. But this one took me ten-years to understand. For ten-years I carried the burden of what I thought was how I was the one who hurt. When it hit me last month, and I really started searching what I felt, believed, and understood, IT HIT ME HARD!

This past month, weeks, and days This has been totally in my heart, mind, and soul. It hurts. But somehow in a good way. Healing, learning, understanding is not always pleasant. But once I find why I was searching, feeling, and having it on my heart, and consuming my soul, The letting it be felt, and getting it out there is a freedom that is unmatched by anything else. It would be sooo much easier sometimes to just pretend it does not exist. But in my quest to be free, I must grab hold of the chains I have bound myself and others with, and learn to break to those chains, and let the other know I am releasing the chains.  It is not easy to actually notice sometimes the chains we are bound with are created by our own doing. And at the same time, we cast chains upon another that we never noticed, until we finally feel the weight holding us down when we try to fly free.

It is not so much that I am on a quest suddenly to be free, and have peace. This is something that has been a process since I finally realized in 2004 that I had put myself into a prison of chains for the previous 24 years. (I go into great detail about that imprisonment from the age of 12 thru the age of 36 in previous blogs, so will not go into those depths here.) But Once I realized Freedom and Peace are THE BEST places to be in life, I have sought every step of the journey to see how I could work more toward those destinations. I know all too well that these are not instant, nor immediate. I know it is a journey. Slowly, steadily, one step at a time. 

My All-time Favorite Keychain is this one:

Cara sent it to me right after I left Betty’s house in 2005. It has lost some of its sparkle, gems, and flair over the years, but it still holds the same meaning. It is on my keyring every day, everywhere I go. It is nestled right next to my pennies that contain: an Angel, a Cross, and a Smiley. It is true. The journey IS our daily life. Each step we take is going to take us one direction or another. In 2004, I discovered I needed to find that freedom. In 2005, I took a giant step that simultaneously launched me into a “New” freedom path, and at the same time launched me into a spiraling imprisonment. During that giant step, it was for the good and the bad simultaneously.

I learned from that almost instantly. I learned that to find freedom, it is not always good to take sudden drastic steps in another direction. I learned that those steps have consequences, set-backs, and create more-difficult chains to break. BUT I also learned that Letting go of things that are not healthy is a very positive step. Now I just needed to learn a balance, and to learn to let them go in a less-harsh manner.  In 2005, I was scared to admit some (Most!) of my feelings, beliefs, and thoughts. I felt it was best to just run from them.

In My Running, I learned more than I ever hoped I would. In the next ten years after that running, I have learned how to moderate the changes in a more-positive way. I have realized why I am on This Earth, why I am not yet allowed to die, and why I need to keep searching, learning, and moving one-step at a time. I have learned how to be more spiritually connected to the Universe, how to understand what is harmful, and what is helpful. I have learned how to accept others, the same as I would like them to accept me. I still have plenty to learn, and am by no means there yet. It is a Journey … One of which I am still meant to keep exploring, living, and understanding.

Betty, I know you probably do not fully understand everything I am saying, because I probably never told you, or made it very clear that I felt you hurt me. But I want to make sure You know I now know you never hurt me in any way. I hurt myself. I hurt you. I am Sorry. If and when our paths cross, I will happily give you a big Hug. (until a few months ago, I likely would have avoided you.) I am sorry.

I cannot change anything from the past, nor am I attempting to. I Can however admit that I was wrong, And let you know. 

Some people may wonder why I am publishing an appology in My Blog, instead of just privately sending it to Betty? Because in my quest to be free, I also have found that sharing my thoughts with others helps more than just me, or in this case more than just Betty. I make mistakes. I learn from my mistakes. I help others. If One person on this Earth sees this, and is inspired by it to make their world a happier place, then my effort is more than doubled. Also, I publish it to show I am not ashamed, or with to hide who I am. I publish it so those who wish to know me better can learn about me and my journey at their comfort-level. In all reality, I know I have hurt many along my journey in life. I want everyone to know I seek to make those hurts better, and am not proud of them.

Now, enough of this Mushy-stuff! Let's get back to the Silly, goofy stuff! :)

OK, OK, so I started the blog with "I might finally be growing up" ... Let's not get too drastic. I will still always embrace the kid-at-heart approach in life. Remember, I also said "Nothing drastic" ...

~BACON~! Always A Good thing, Right??

~BACON~!! 

I Was Soo Excited to cook bacon again! It Was Beautiful, Smelled great and Looked so Delicious! ... Until I caught my kitchen on fire ~=:-/

NEW RULE! NEVER ~EVER~! Use generic lightweight tinfoil again. ~EVER~!

I Just wish someone had caught the whole scene on camera!! Imagine a Naked person happily dancin' around his kitchen, making and sending snapchats to friends, even sharing a short-video of the pancake on the stove, and the bacon perfectly sizzling in the oven. The choreography is beautiful. Then Imagine watching that same choreographed beauty change as the kitchen was suddenly on fire! ... ~oh that scene was mad hilarious. 

It has been a long long time since I have written a blog. This is not because there is nothing exciting in my life to write about, but the exact opposite! My life is so full of Incredibly blessed daily activities, creative projects, and Things that enrich and nourish my soul, that I just have not had time to sit on the computer and write.

Today is no different. I have a million things that are incredibly wonderful, and lots of creative projects in the works. I decided to come write while I let the Smoke clear, the stove cool, and the unburned bacon grease to fully cool before I attempt any more clean up. Besides, This story is too freakin funny to not put into words!

So, Yesterday while shopping, I decided to reward myself with some Bacon. Yes, Reward. No I am not on a diet, or anything like that. I have been diligent about not splurging at the store, not buying treats, or spending more money that I absolutely had to. You see, almost a year ago, I ended up living in one of those Weekly rental motel places, and spending a fortune, going in debt, and struggling to even afford food weekly. Well, in February, I finally got my own "affordable" apartment. But the debt was still chasing me. I have worked hard this past five months to get my expenses manageble, and attempt to get those debts (which were threatening to sue/ garnish, etc under control.) Well, that has been quite the accomplishment! I am now current and have nobody's lawyers chasing me. That is a HUGE relief! So I decided a reward of Bacon was justified. 

I looked over the entire 12-foot section of Bacon many many times. I could have simply gone with the store-brand-cheapest bacon for less than 3-bucks. It would count as bacon, and still feel like a huge reward. But, No. I finally decided on the $7 for 7-absolute Perfect, Thick, Steakhouse-seasoned strips of Pig Flesh. I Held that package in my hands and just admired it for at least 10-seconds. Other shoppers probably thought I was some Freak bacon~worshipper. (Yes, it really did feel like a religious moment). But then I realized I was out of foil, so I almost put it back. Then I reasoned that I could simply go buy the cheap foil, and "it would do". (You might wonder why I need foil to cook bacon?? Stay tuned. I get to that in a bit.)

So today is Saturday, My Sunday. I make sure to get everything done on Friday that requires running around town. This way, I have today completely free to relax at home. This means I have no schedules, or exact times I gotta do anything. This means I can catch-up with the past-weeks events, news, friends' activities they've posted, and even get some of my photos loaded into my Flickr account. I can sip my Coffee (which, by the way, I got myself a Really cool new Mug Yesterday, too!! See? Perfect!

Part of my plan in accomplishing a Life of Peace is to make sure I leave time to cook my own meals, instead of needing to eat Instant, or worse to eat at a restaurant. (again, part of my get-out-debt-plan). I recently remembered the joy of Pancakes. I do not know why I ever stopped making pancakes, but I did. Years and years ago. I saw an old photo that made me recall the delight of pancakes. Here is that photo:

Yup, Cookin' Nekkid is always how you'll find me :)

Well, To me a photo is more than a picture. It is emotion, feel, and brings back all the memories of exactly what I was feeling when it was taken. This photo reminded me of an important thing I somehow had forgotten. The art of making breakfast. Not hurried, not fancy, just happy. 

So, I have been making pancakes and Spam for about a month now, and it is pure delight. This time I decided to go with the treat of My Glorious Bacon along with my pancakes. Yeah, you always hear the joke "Don't cook bacon in the Nude" ... but I do not cook bacon on the stove. I cook it in the oven. This is where the foil comes-in. I line a pan with foil, making edges all around to hold the grease, place the bacon on the foil, then just slide it into the oven at 400* for about 15 minutes. Ya do not need to turn it, it stays flat, there are no splatters, and cleanup is a breeze! Once the bacon is removed, let the grease cool, then just roll up the foil and throw it away! 

Well, Here is where the generic Foil bacame a problem. The generic foil was also not at wide as the regular stuff, so not all of the bacon would fit on one baking sheet. No problem, I just grabbed another baking sheet, lined it with foil, and put the remaining bacon on that pan. Well, That second pan is what started the problem ... It is a dark pan. Everyone knows that dark pans cook faster than light pans. no problem, I'm a pro, right? Ha! Well I was timing it just right, I had one pancake almost done, and knew I would have the perfect amount of time to place it on the plate, add the butter, and Peanut Butter, then would remove the dark pan of bacon. My timing was perfect. I placed that pan on the unused burners of the stove, and grabbed the slices of perfect bacon off, setting them on the paper towels I had on the other counter. I put the butter in the pancake pan, and started the next pancake. just then, the foil wall holding the molten bacon Grease decided to collapse!!! I had a flood of extremely hot bacon grease flooding across my stove and toward the burner of the pancake pan!!

Well it doesn't take a genius to know that if grease hits that burner, it will ignite. It was already smoking heavy because of the hot surface. I had a fan on in the kitchen to keep it cooler, but it was also blowing right toward the stove. I knew if that grease flashed, the fan would spread the fire, so I kicked the fan, as I simultaneously turned off the burner, turned off the oven, and grabbed a roll of paper towels to attempt to stop the flow of grease before it got to the hot burner. Well, I succeeded in three of the four above steps. The fan was not blowing where the fire would erupt. The heat sources were turned off. I almost stopped the flow of grease. Unfortunately, it went under ALL of the burners, and immediately flashed, since that was the hot top of the oven under those burners. I happened to have lids for pans nearby, so covered each burner with a lid so no air could fuel the fire. I used a kitchen towel to smother the flames that licked across the stove.  The fire was out as fast as it started, and did no harm to anything. (Well, no visible harm is noticed yet. Once I clean the stove, and under the burners, I will know it the wiring was scorched.) But my bet is it flashed,a nd went out, so likely no damage.) Yes, I could have run and grabbed a fire extinguisher, but that would have given the fire time to spread. I know enough about fires to know to stop them before they can actually become alive. 

Now the second pan of bacon in the oven was burning. I grabbed the tongs to remove it. It was not badly burnt, but not exactly bacon-tasty anymore. I went to place these pieces on the others I originally removed ... only to discover in the process of kicking the fan from blowing on the stove, I aimed it directly toward the counter which held the previously removed bacon .. and blew it right into the sink full of dishwater. 

So My three-perfect pieces I removed that caused the fire, were now soaked in dishwater. 

I surveyed the scene. Decided there was nothing else that could become a hazard. Grabbed the jar of peanut butter, and simply ate a few forkfulls of Peanut Butter as my Breakfast. Then I wondered why my smoke detector never went off. I walked around the corner, and realized my other fan was blowing a fresh funnel of air from the bedroom window right past the smoke detector. I turned that fan off, and immediately the detector activated. Ugh. So I turned that fan back on. I looked at the mess in the kitchen again, decided now was the perfect time to take a break, and write ....

I leave you with this one thought:

~BACON~! Always a treat. Always a Delight. Always Good! ...

Now, Imagine again why people say "NEVER COOK BACON IN THE NUDE"

Now as you ponder this, I will be scrubbing my entire kitchen ... Again. (I Just scrubbed the entire thing yesterday ...) ~=:-/

Have a Great Day! Even if you almost toast your nekkid bits!(hmm, weinie Roast anyone?) ~Grin~

And JOIN Me on Snapchat! 'halfaniceday' ... you just might be receiving some of these hilarious things as they happen :)

Who Pea'd in My Food??

Who Pea’d in My Food??

I Absolutely Hate Peas.

There are very few Foods I Hate. There are many I am allergic to, or dislike, but few I hate. Peas are Absolutely hated. Perhaps my body is trying to tell me something about them??

Yes, I am aware they are nutritious, cheap, and add color to meals.

There are however many Vegetables that can be used and actually taste good, and won’t make me gag or throw-up while eating.  Many times, I will not purchase a food item if peas are even in it. Similarly, the same goes with Bell Peppers. If there is a choice, I will skip both. Often, however, I can determine there are only a few in the food, and not that big of a deal to pick them out.

As a child, our house-rule was : You gotta at least try everything served on your plate at a meal. We were never forced to eat something. We had two choices: Eat it, or go hungry. Simple. But we were not allowed to make a big deal outta what we did not care for. We simply would try it, and then ignore it if it was not something we liked. If we did not eat our meal, there was no dessert. That was a totally fair rule.

Most of our friends and neighbors also had similar rules at meal time. One neighbor, however had a “You must eat everything placed on your plate” rule.  I was somewhere around age five to seven the night we ate at their house that would forever scar me. I do not recall what they served totally that night, But I do recall they piled mountains of Peas on everyone’s plate. The peas were not mixed in any other food, just a pile of Peas. The other food was not anything you could use to disguise the peas to get them swallowed. I made a point to try the peas first, so I could get it out of the way. I immediately almost threw-up, so of course, I just ignored them for the rest of the meal. I Did eat everything else on my plate, and in my opinion, they had piled way too much food on my plate for a kid my size to eat. But I finished everything except the peas.

Well, the mother in that house was an absolute Bi*** and made the rules, and never allowed anyone to have any flexibility. Ever.

I absolutely could not eat the peas, without throwing-up. She told me I could not leave the table until my plate was empty. I tried to tell her why I could not eat them. She got angry, and demanded I follow her rules in her house. Of course, my parents, trying to keep her calm, told me to “try”. Nobody was allowed to leave the table until everyone had finished their entire plate. So I had ten people all upset and waiting on me to eat the pile of Peas. This did not help, because I also cannot eat when there are angry people around me.

Well, of course the peas were cold and worse than before. I did as I was told. And after a few mouthfuls of peas, many gags, and swallowing the uprising vomit, I could not hold it back. I tried drinking more water, but nothing was gonna stop the surge. Needless to say, I think I made my point. I managed to vomit all over the entire table. I did not stick around after that. As soon as I vomited, I got up and left the house. Nobody tried to stop me.

These neighbors were long-time neighbors, and family friends. After that, any time they had us over for dinner, the Mom of that house ALWAYS asked about what each of us would eat, and even let us each dish up our own plates. Without trying, I managed to teach her a lesson in being a good neighbor. But without trying, she also taught me a lesson about learning to stand-up for what I know to be true, especially when it comes to my own health. Throwing-up is never fun.

I never could eat peas, even before that. But after that, it became absolutely impossible to ever eat a single one.

Now, back to why this is a topic today.

Well, I am living in a way that is difficult to prepare decent meals. I own no cookware, I have no microwave, and trying to create decent meals is a bit of a struggle. I own one skillet, and have an oven. That combined with long work days, and commutes, makes it so I am always trying to find something decent to fuel my body. Well, I bought one of those skillet meals. They are labeled as “Meal for two”, but really are only enough to serve one person. I chose the one that seemingly had very few peas.

Last night when I opened the package and poured it into the skillet, I was a bit disgusted to see not just a few peas that needed t be removed, but More Peas than any other veggie. Ingredients labels are supposed to be listed in order of quantity.

Well, the label listed the Peas last, And the photo also showed proportionately very few peas. Mind you, I am well-aware of what food-packaging photos are meant to do, but this one was not even close to what was inside.

So, I began the process of finding every pea, and removing it from my meal …

Holy Crap! Really?? 105 Peas! So I counted the Broccoli and Carrots, too just for curiosity: Carrots: 18, Broccoli: 13.

Once I finished counting, and making sure not one single Pea remained, the meal really was good! Although I was quite disappointed how few Broccoli and Carrots there were...

It made me laugh, cuz one friend I snapchatted the Peas photos to, asked me “Why are you counting Peas?? And she had a puzzled look on her face, Yet I can send any weird, silly, naked, or just plain goofy Snap, and she does not question it one bit.  Hey, She has a fair question. I mean, really, WHO COUNTS PEAS?

Well I did this time, just because I was curious.

Who knew that what started as a simple meal would turn into many photos of entertainment, bewilderment, and even a blog?

Hahaha, and of course my own caption of Who Pea’d in My Food is also fun, since it sounds like someone actually Pee’d in my food! Well, to my body, either one would be poison, and make the food unedible. So might as well have fun with the play on words since I gotta deal with Pea in My Food! As you venture through life, May your meals be Pea-Free. If ya happen to find someone has Pea’d in your meal, Please count, and take pictures. :)

Oh, and I'd Love to have you join me on SnapChat! "halfaniceday".

#spreadducklove

#spreadducklove

How I turned A Duck-eviction into Joy, a Drum Circle, Hot Dog, Santa Claus merriment, and my own personal Mini-Band-parade!

I noticed I had gotten into a winter blahs/ holiday Blues Funk. My mind has been overflowing lately with too many thoughts that keep me from focusing, finding the joy, or sharing the joy. I tried to sit and write about some of what is going on, but there was too much jumbled and tumbled thoughts. I ended-up listing every thought that entered my mind in a one-or-two-minute period. I also remembered to ask God for guidance, since occasionally I tend to forget. Ya know, it kinda is amazing! All ya gotta do, is ask! (well, ya gotta Believe, too…) By the time I was done writing after an hour, I knew I needed to make some changes to begin kicking the Holiday blues right smack in the coveted shiny red balls, and gain back the magic that was missing.

How exactly does one begin such a process? Well for me, the answers came flooding-in almost as fast as the list of “problems”. Well, I know better than to start doing every change all at once. That will lead me to disaster. The right way to do it (for me) is to decide where I need to be, and take a step in that direction. The path certainly will not be a short/ straight path. It will be quite an adventure, and not an easy stroll.  I know I cannot get to my destination instantly. If I did, there would be far too many unfinished details that would make the new destination even more difficult than where I am now.

I noticed there are exactly twelve days left in this calendar year. I proclaimed these twelve days as “My Personal 12 Days of Christmas.” Yup, The heck with society’s already programmed twelve days. This is mine, and I gotta do it to match my needs.

One of the things I know I need to do regularly is write. I have not written in a long while, or when I have it is very infrequent. By sitting to write the initial blog that started this process, it helped get all the rest to line-up.

As soon as I finished writing and posting my Blog, I wanted to get dressed and get out for a walk. I needed to shower first, (and shave!). When I get depressed, I tend to not hurry to shower on a day off. I also tend to let my body hair all grow for the whole week, and only shave it one day on my weekend just before the work week starts again. I really hate my own body hair, so you know if I am not keeping it shaved, I am not completely balanced. Also, when ya shave only once a week, it never really gets a clean-shave. The only way to do that is to shave daily.  So I took a really long Really hot shower, and Shaved my entire body Twice completely. To me, that is The Absolutely cleanest feeling ever!

As soon as I am outta the shower, I love to dry off in the fresh air, so I always open the door and let nature do the drying. So fresh, and refreshing!

As I was drying, I noticed again the silly magnet rubber ducks on my fridge had changed their placement once again. This was always a bafflement to me. It was almost like the miniature rubber Ducks were alive, and moved about the fridge surface freely (or they were moved by ghosts?).  But That simple glance made me realize I needed to remove those ducks. Yes, Remove, as in these ducks needed to be evicted from my life.

Evicting Rubber Ducks?! That seems a bit harsh, you say. Actually there is much more to the story. Everything is connected in my life. These ducks happened to be connected to a very unhappy period, and the simple act of them moving reminded me, and made me feel like I was back in that very bad situation(if ya wanna know that story, just ask, but won’t include it in this post.) I knew the ducks needed to go. But because I had already figured out some of the changes I needed to make, I knew to just get rid of them was not good. These ducks were destined to make others smile.

So I loaded all of them into my pocket, and went for a nice walk this evening. There were eight of them. I knew I would walk around town, and place them on random metal surfaces to be discovered and make someone else smile.

It gave me great joy to know I recognized how damaging my life had become and This time I was giving them to someone that could find the joy, instead of just tossing them in a dumpster, or over a random fence.  (That is one of my safety-escapes I use when life is needing to be changed fast… Just dump stuff.) Tonight, however, I smiled knowing I was thinking clearly, and would take the time to do it right.

I had not planned to photograph each one, and post it at all. But as soon as I placed the first one, I grinned. I did not need to take a picture or need to post it, but knew I wanted to, and hoped others would find joy in this, too. So I chose Instagram, and made up the hashtag #spreadducklove . Even as I posted it, I was only gonna post the first one. But as I placed each new one, I again felt that sharing it for everyone to enjoy would be a great way to help me build my joy, and fill my nearly empty tank of spirit I was needing. (By the way, if you would like to join me on Instagram, or would like to see the posts, my Instagram name is "halfaniceday")

After placing the first three, I was feeling quite a bit better. I actually felt enough of a spiritual lift that to interact with other humans would not be a bad thing, so I headed to The Container Park to grab a Hot Dog. (I have not stopped for a Dawg in two months! And Hotdogs are such an important part of my life, you know I was not in the right path!) There are many reasons I have not gotten any hotdogs in two months. I will go into those in later posts.

This is the first time I've loaded a video in my blog...
Hope it works :)

As I approached Container Park, I was pleasantly surprised to be walking up just as they began their dusk drum-circle! Ever since I moved Downtown in August, I had hoped to catch their Drum Circle. But it seemed it was not meant to be. Each time, I would arrive just as they finished-up, and were packing the drums until the next night. But Tonight, It was just beginning! I enjoyed that! (No I did not play a drum).

After enjoying the Drum Circle for a bit, I went inside to Order my HotDog. I chose to sit on the patio so I could continue to hear the drums. I chose a seat just across from where Santa was seated for his evening visits. Oddly enough, for a Friday Night, there was not a crowd. But no crowd around Santa makes it so those who would otherwise not approach him would choose to. It gave me much joy to watch the dozen-or-so people of all ages go visit Santa. This was the most informal Santa- visiting you could imagine. Santa was a cool old gut, with real whiskers. He had a nice suit, not one of those crappy rentals you see at the malls. Also his whole attitude was comfortable. He let everyone who came past decide how they would interact. There was no script, no phony-nes. Some chose to be flirty, some chose to be shy. Some ladies sat on his lap while their friends took photos. Some guys did, too. Some chose to stand next to him. Some gave a pretend kiss for the camera. (There was also no camera already set-up with a fee. If someone wanted a photo, they were free to use their own camera, and take as many as they wanted!) Some kids went to see him and get a photo. I never once heard him ask anyone what they wanted for Christmas!  He was so comfortable, I was half-tempted to go sit on his lap and take a photo! (The only reason I did not was if he managed to ask me “What I wanted” I likely would have lost it and been bawling.  (Yes, that is how bad my winter blahs/ holiday blues are this year!)

But I did enjoy my Hot Dog on the patio while watching all the joy with Santa.

Then it was time to move-on with my Placing of the Duck magnets.

By the time I finished eating I had already gotten notifications on Instagram that my three photos already had lots of likes. (Mind you, I really do not care if I get likes or not. I do not post for popularity at all. I post to share. If one other person finds a smile in what I’ve posted, then it was already doubled its intended purpose.)

So, on down Fremont I went to just enjoy the evening. Yes, I went to one of the most crowded places in Downtown Las Vegas for the sole purpose of enjoying it! I usually go where there are less people, and less noise. But with the mind-set of spreading Joy, I managed to not be overwhelmed by all the activity. I also was able to find the joy. I found I was amused at the antics of the street “performers”, beggars, and even the tourists.

Not one person noticed what I was doing as I placed and photographed each miniature Duck. It made me giggle to wonder what would be the reactions of those who discovered them.  I spread Ducks all down Fremont Street from 13^th all the way to Main. I posted a photo of each as I did. Kinda like a treasure hunt with a wee-bit of background showing… wonder if anyone that sees them online (I also shared to Twitter and Tumbr, but have not looked for notifications in those sites) will go find them? And if they do, will they share the photo with me?

After all the ducks were placed, I still was not needing to escape the crowds. That in itself is an amazing feeling! To be able to enjoy a noisy crowd on a Friday night!.

As I approached 2^nd street, I was thrilled to see a College Band quickly assembling. I was not aware of the event they were part-of, just stumbled upon busloads of College kids grabbing their instruments, getting into formation, and beginning to play. It was like a mini-band-show show for Me! (They had “Utah” on their instruments, and uniforms.)I watched them play a couple of songs, and then they marched off into the crowds. Turns out there is a football Bowl of some sort, and the team bands were having a competition/ rally in Fremont Street. Then the Fremont Light Show began, and it was all focused on those two teams, their football highlights, and rah-rahs. (It was Utah, and Colorado featured, and something about “Vegas Bowl”) I really don’t care about the football at all. I prefer the bands. But I was thrilled I had been at the right place at the right time to get a mini-parade just for Moi!

Felt great to smile! A Real smile 'cuz I was enjoying it,
instead of just a pretend smile!

Would I begin to pretend for one minute that just because I had one evening of joy and happiness that I am completely out of the blahs/ blues/ funk I was in? Nope. I got a long way to go. It will be many ups and downs. It will be a struggle to regain the magic, the joy, and the freedom I need from the imprisonment of depression.  One of the things I’ve learned is that the magic will not just appear, nor will the joy. I know I have to create it, give it, spread it before it will ever surround me. Yup, as much as I hate it, I gotta pretend it is there, to make it until it really is there.

Depression will overtake me if I let it. It already has a deep-rooted seed in my spirit, and does not take “no” lightly when I tell it to go away. So many people think I am always happy. I wish I was as happy as they think I am. I absolutely hate all the complainers and whiners in the world. I refuse to be one of them. I would rather fake a smile, and have a glimmer of hope than to always frown and believe there is no hope.

The mind is a powerful tool. We create what we think. (Or more appropriately, we encourage, strengthen, and allow to grow whichever we focus on.) My depression is part of who I am. I always have had depression. If I choose to focus on it, it will take over. If I choose to focus on ways to be happier, I will be happier. Although depression is often powerful, subtle, and creeps-in, I know that my desire to be happy is more powerful. I need to take my own advice. I often tell people that “Happiness is a choice” when they comment how happy I seem. This is true. It is a choice. I was reminded I had not made that choice, and allowed the blahs/ blues/funk to take over once again. I cannot claim to be in any way perfect, nor in any way better than anyone. I can only claim to be in charge of my own mood, my own happiness, and my own path in life.

I Know I am Not Alone in this Struggle. I have many friends who also feel it. I cannot pretend to be the one to help everyone, but I will be there for anyone in need! I cannot make it all-better, but I can promise you won't be alone in the struggle. 

No matter what your struggles are, I hope you at least recognize them, and take even one tiny step in the direction you need. Want someone to take that step with? I will walk with you. I know how it is. I will not pester you with questions, nor demand you pretend to be happy. I will support you, love you, and be there with you. 

Turning Demons into My Own Personal 12-Days of Christmas!

The Demons we fight come winter holidays …

Scratch That! Now it is: My Own Personal 12-Days of Christmas :)

Demons? Hmm.

I started this Blog as a Writing about Demons of The Winter Holidays, by the time I got to the bottom, I needed to change it to “My Personal Twelve Days of Christmas”.
Interesting that my first thought when I attempt to describe what I struggle with every December is the word “Demons”.

Would it really be called a Demon, or is it just an easy way to label the struggles I face?

“The Holiday” season is supposed to be a cheery time of year, right? It is supposed to be when we feel Thankful, Blessed, and full of all sorts of Joy, Delight, and in the mood to give gifts, celebrate, and be together. Or is it?

I used to be the person who could create the magic, make the miracles happen, help everyone who was in need find the light in the darkness. I used to be the one who had the ability to transform anyone’s view of what might have seemed like a bleak occasion into one of their most cherished, blessed, and joyous times. Yes, even when I have been at my poorest, and seemingly without a dime to buy a crumb, I could manage to find the spirit, spread the spirit, and help others be in the spirit.

It seems in recent years, I JUST DON’T CARE.

So many thoughts jumping through my mind right now, almost impossible to put the thoughts into proper words, let alone proper sentences that would even seem logical to write or read.

Aches

Focus

Depression

Purpose

Money

Hair

Home

Busses

Portland

Las Vegas

Greif

Love

Sunshine

Beach

Snow

Phone

Guns

Groceries

Coffee

Suicide

Death

Flying

Seizures

Allergies

Computer

Naked

God

Art

Adventure

Nature

Spirit

Dogs

Hot dogs

Muffins

Microwave

Ice cream

Tutus

Ducks

Magic

Sleep

Social Media

Life

Mind

So since I cannot focus on any one thought right now, I just listed all that is racing through my mind in the past Minute. Maybe it was two. But my mind is definitely overwhelmed right now with all that is swirling in my brain, heart and soul.  They are in no particular order, just as they came through my mind to my keyboard.

Every single word could be an entire day’s worth of writing.

I have a lot to sort out, figure out, search, understand, and find peace with.

One of the things I have often learned (and also easily forgotten!) is how much better I process things when I take the time to sort, meditate, write, and find the peace with each situation. When life tends to get a bit overwhelming, is when I let them all bunch-up, swirl, and cause me mental distress … which leads to physical distress.  That is where I am at right now.

It is amazing how just merely focusing, and clearing the mind helps. Just in this past few minutes of writing these out, I have already realized what I must do.

I started writing this today as a “Woe-is-Me” blog. I was gonna list all my worries, complaints, circumstances, and reasons I am not able to go forward with the magic, the miracles, or the spirit. But just an hour after starting to write, I already have a clear (well, less-clouded) mind and spirit. Nope, I did not find this clarity on my own. I only get myself in trouble when I do it alone. That is how I got where I am today. This time, I remembered to ask God to guide me, help me, and hold me. Yep, I am aware many of my friends do not believe in God. That is totally fine. I would never ask them to believe as I believe, nor would I expect that they understand My relationship with God.

There are Twelve Days Left in this year. Perfect! This will be My Personal Twelve Days of Christmas!

Between Now and New Years, I will work on creating the changes I need to make my life have meaning again, make my life turn back to the positive direction I need.

Yup, That is correct. I am creating a Twelve Days of Christmas that is to my fitting, not a pre-arranged calendar that the world marches to.

In this Twelve Days of Christmas, I will focus on eliminating the things that are distracting me, and adding the things I am missing that are much needed. 

You Seek a Relationship? With One Person? Why?

You seek a relationship? With Only One Person? Why?

So many people in life seem to always be looking for their next relationship, seeking their partner, feeling incomplete unless they are in a relationship.

To me, one cannot do anything with another, until they have learned who they themselves are, are happy with themselves, and do not NEED another for their own happiness, but rather once they are happy in their life, then another can come in and make it so much more enriching. So many people tend to always seek to be connected to another, never allowing themselves to truly learn who they are as an individual.

Obviously there is much to be gained, given, shared, understood, and thrive-upon any time any people find a connection, trust, understanding, and have common goals in life.

I cannot understand why people seek their “Soul-mate”, “Life-partner”, or “Significant-other”. To Me, that seems like they are limiting their potential, settling for only partial love, and not really seeking to give and receive all the love they were designed for. In my observations, the one(s) that are meant to be together will happen to work-out, without anyone going looking, forcing it, or trying to make it happen. I cannot understand why anyone seems to think they are not complete until they have attached themselves to another. (Kinda matches the whole calling someone "My Other Half" ... Seems to suggest you are not willing to be whole as you were created, but that you need someone before you can truly be who you were meant to be.)

All My life the way humans tend to go about life, especially relationships, baffles me. Often to the point that I truly wonder if I really am at all Human, or just somehow dropped amongst them, and supposed to figure out how to fit-in.

The notion that there should be a “Soul-mate”, or “The One” to me is so outrageous that I wonder why so many limit themselves, and refuse to find the capacity of love they truly could experience.  Now don’t get me wrong. In no way am I suggesting people should not commit to one another, or denouncing that there really is chemistry, balance, and love between any given two (or more) people. I just feel that as complex Humans that we are, there is so much more to give and receive between people than can be achieved in a one-on-one basis.

Another thing that baffles me in the way people go about getting in a relationship is how often one will try to force it. Clearly, a relationship should be built on mutual feelings, mutual connections, and when two or more people feel they are drawn into one another’s lives.

When someone feels they are “supposed to be with” another, yet it is one-sided, that is a clear sign that the feeling is not a true connection, and certainly not a basis for “building” a relationship from. This would in many cases be what is called “stalking”. The infatuation, or desire of the one to “Be with” the one who is not feeling the same often will push away the one not as interested, and because the pursuer was convinced it really was a connection, they will suddenly claim to have “gotten their heart broken”. Desperation, or acts of being desperate seldom will gain positive results.

One thing I have always done consistently in my life is to be up front, and honest about my intentions, feelings, goals, and desires. While knowing who I am, and what I do or do not want in life would seem to be a great quality. However for some odd reason, those are also confusing and puzzling to those who do not yet know themselves and what they like or do not like in life. My suggestion to anyone is to always get to know yourself before you attempt to include another in your life.

I certainly will never claim to be any sort of “Relationship Expert”, But I DO know what is and is not good for me in life. If I tell someone what I do not seek, and do not want, yet they seem to think they can convince me to do those things just because They want them, they get a hard smack of reality when I shut the door in their face.  If I tell someone who is angling toward “making me their boyfriend” that I am absolutely not interested in that sort of relationship, yet they still have the notion they will continue to pursue me in that way, they will find a locked door between us fast!

I also am an anomaly in the sense that I am Asexual. Period. That means exactly that. I Am not at all interested in sex, am not seeking sex, will not have sex. Does not matter male, female, gay, bi, trans, or anything in-between. I do not like, want, desire, or seek sex in any way. This confuses people, because I also happen to be a nudist. For too many on this Earth, they equate naked with sex. So to see a male naked, they just cannot grasp that I am not seeking sex. I go into great detail about my lack of sexuality in many other posts. This one is devoted to relationships.

Oddly, also, many seem to think the whole purpose of a relationship is for sexual pleasure. For some it may be. For me, not at all. If I get into any relationship, it is absolutely Emotional, Mental, Spiritual, and for the feelings that are shared, never for any sexual desires.  

With all that is said above, you might be wondering what, exactly might lead me toward a relationship? Well, I have been in many relationships that were absolutely wonderful! Some have been only between myself and another, but most of the cherished ones have been when it is more than just two individuals. Yes, I know this may baffle you, and your thoughts are going all sorts of places. 

But let me try and help make it not seem so wild:

I am not talking about Swingers, or even Open Relationships. Those are definitely sexual in nature. A relationship including more than two people happens when everyone involved is mutually accepting of each other, completely honest, completely open, and completely understanding with No hidden agendas, often everyone involved is involved together. Again, this is about relationships, love, spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being, Not about Sex! (Although sex may occur between those who agree and desire, it usually is not like an orgy, or wild sex stuff.)  Each person brings something different to the relationship, making for more love, understanding, and comfort. As humans, we are complex in ways that limiting yourself to only one person in a relationship means that you will not fulfill every aspect of your being.

If you have never given that any sort of thought, it can be mind-boggling. Most are taught that a relationship should be limited to only two people. (not even sure what that stems from, but it is a common thought in most of our society) Think about it this way: You have many best friends, right? Each one fits in your life in a little bit different way than the others. You would never consider that you should only have one friend, eliminating all the others. But when it comes to “traditional” relationships, you choose one person. You marry that one person, and push out all the other best friends you had. Pretty soon you realize you miss what they contributed to your life, but say something along the lines of “Well, I am happily married.” Now, think about how wonderfully enriched your life would be if instead of pushing out the friends because you got married, that you include them in your marriage.  I know, it boggles your mind, because you have never before been taught you are allowed to think that way.  

The notion of Loving more than one person is not new, nor in any way something that was created just to fulfill someones strange notion. The idea of many loves, all included, open, and honest with one another is as old as mankind. The difference is you have been taught that you are not supposed to love more than one person. To me, that teaching is a sad thing. Humans were made to love, help, encourage, uplift, and support one another. We were not made to isolate, separate, and keep one only to ourselves. Nor were we made to be isolated. Our love is meant to be shared. The more we give, the more we receive. Imagine if everyone on this Earth felt loved? Imagine if everyone felt secure enough to Give Love? Don’t you think that if you were allowed to give love to as many as you possibly could, you also would receive ten-fold the amount you gave? That exactly is what I am referring to when I say relationships should not be limited to only one person. That is isolation.

PolyAmory is a term that seems to have come into use a lot lately. Seems to me someone needed a term, or category to fit a lifestyle that has been around since the beginning of mankind. This, too baffles me: The need to “Categorize” everyone and everything. I have never understood why everything people do needs to fit some sort of pre-defined category, label, or group, but that is what makes some happy, so they create these to find a place their lives “Fit”. But anyhow, Poly-Amory, or Poly-Amorous are both becoming popular. While I do not agree with every aspect this page posts, it is a good one for answering some of the more frequently asked questions about how having more than one love can affect people. Here is the page: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html

Whatever you choose to call it, I hope you can call it love.

I have been in many wonderful relationships in my life. Some have been with only one person, but the most fulfilling ones have been when I was in a relationship with many someones at the same time. Each of those was done in the manner that everyone involved was in agreement of what the relationship was. Nothing was hidden. All were aware, consenting, and agreeable in what roles each played.

Yup, I also have been in relationships with married couples. Sometimes, the fit is absolutely perfect. Instead of being a “third-wheel”, I am “the other husband”. Think about that for a second, and think about who I am and what I am all about, you will see how it fits nicely. There is an old saying that goes something like this:

Found this on Pinterest, Here:

Now, of course we all know that is a joke. But in reality, wouldn’t it be great to fulfill all that? Well in the type of relationship I refer to, it is a Reality! I have been in many like this in my life. None were exactly like this funny sign, but all were equally fulfilling, where each person fulfilled a different area of the relationship. It is absolutely empowering, wonderful, and fulfilling to be in such a relationship. Keep in mind, unlike the funny picture, we all agreed to let each other know what we each wanted, and what was good by one, or better by another.  I have been in many just like this in my life. Nope, we never hid it, although most who did not know us well assumed we were just joking about the nature of our relationships.  Naturally, my role was not in the sex department. But often the emotional, spiritual, even sensual led to those who were in the sex area to have a more fulfilling experience. I am perfectly fine with not being included in the sex, but also perfectly fine with helping those who wish to achieve it to make it more fulfilling. Everyone wins!

The only time a relationship like this is harmful is when one person decides they want a one-on-one relationship, instead of the fulfilling one they had been in for years. When they seek a one-on-one without being open and honest with the others they are already with, it will be desructive, instead of positive. If it is a woman marrying a guy who was not fond of her having friends that were guys, sadly, the woman will leave all her fulfilling relationships, and go isolate herself with that one guy who was not willing to see her totally happy. Often, it is a new guy that enters a relationship where there are more than two people and he is not willing to join the relationship, or even get to know the others, but decides he wants to take that gal away from what makes her happy. Sadly, the lady will often go, and later lament how sad she is, or attempt to meet with her friends secretly for fulfillment. But anything done in secret never works out in a positive way.  Everyone loses when one in a group relationship decides to not tell, or include the new interest in the more-than one relationship. For them to work, everyone must always be aware of everyone else involved, and accepting of it, or it will fall apart real fast. Integrity, honesty, and openness are the key. As soon as one of those is gone, there is no longer a trust, and it all must go away.

The only way to have a true relationship is to be open and honest. When one is isolated, they lose their happiness. But if they wait until it is too late to present what they know to be a great way to have relationships, it cannot be done. It must be open from the beginning, or it will fail.

It has been a few years since I have been in any relationship at all, and I am totally fine with that. I am not seeking to be joined to anyone. Although it is jokingly tossed about that “Jon has many girlfriends”, and of course I play along with that, because it actually does appear that I am in many relationships, but in all reality, I happen to only interact momentarily with any of my supposed girlfriends.

I of course always joke about my “girlfriends”… Nor do I have any “boyfriends” either. Nope, I am not opposed to either. If someone, or many someones, came along that fit into my life, and uplifted my Spirits, emotions, and mental well-being, and I did the same for them, I absolutely would not hesitate to be in a relationship with them.  To me it should not matter if that human has a penis or a vagina, since those are merely physical aspects. I could love anything that has a soul … but is has to fit nicely with my own soul … a fit that would present itself without sacrifice, without convincing, without coercion. It would just fit, and happen, no planning, no hoping, no scheming.

I have often in my life been referred to as “An Angel”. This is not of my own choosing, nor would I call myself an Angel. However, when others refer to me as either “an Angel” or “Their Angel” or “Guardian Angel”, often outsiders will agree. I am ok with that. If I truly am an angel, and was sent to help with that person’s life, situation, or circumstances, I think there is no better “title”. But similar to any other Spirit, an Angel is not meant to be held by just one, nor would an Angel enter a relationship with the one they were sent to help. I do not understand why, but often those who call me “Angel” also seem to think I should be in a relationship with them. I guess I see it as “Keep your personal life separate from you work life”, Meaning: if I am an Angel, My work is to guide, protect, help, and get going in the right direction. My role would absolutely not be to claim that one as my own., or to in any way take on the role of “partner”.

As to why I say I do not need or seek a relationship, unlike most of the Humans on this Earth? Well, To make it simple, I am a Very Spiritual person. I connect with nature, with The Indian Spirit, and with The Eagle. Just like any of the above, if those are fenced, or placed in an unnatural environment, they will wither, and no longer be free-spirits. An Eagle is beautiful to watch, admire, and learn about. Tether or cage an Eagle, and it will no longer be of any interest because it will not be allowed to soar. Cut down a tree, and yes the wood is beautiful, and can be admired, but it no longer can stand tall, providing Oxygen, cleaning the air, or providing shade, and homes for numerous others in life. Remove an Indian from his plains, and wilderness, and he no longer can connect with the Free Spirit of the Universe, can no longer provide for his people, and can no longer thrive.  Similarly, if I was caged, I would no longer be who I am.

The ONLY way I will end up in a relationship is if someone happens to walk beside me in life, free in spirit, uncaged, and also stands tall in the wind, the sun, and all the elements of life. Wanna know who is the right one, or ones for me? The one(s) who happen to just fit into my life, or I happen to fit into theirs.   That someone, or someone(s) will be aware of who they are, know fully what they believe, but also be open to learning and changing as they grow and change in life. That person, or persons will know why they feel the way they do, will love themselves first, and thrive on helping others to feel that same freedom. The one(s) I end up in a relationship with will be Spiritual, Free, and full of Wonder.

Meanwhile, I do not wait around looking, seeking, or hoping for anyone that might choose to join me. I waited long ago, and I learned the hard way that only leads to disappointment. Now I go forward with my life, not looking over my shoulder to see if anyone is wishing they had tried to walk with me. If and when the day comes that I am meant to be with another, I will see them right beside me. It will not be a chase, nor a bargaining to get with them. I know fully who I am, and will happily welcome anyone who also has discovered who they are. But they gotta know who they themselves are before they could possibly want to join another.

You are welcome to watch me soar as an Eagle. You are welcome to enjoy the shade, or breathe my Oxygen of me as a tree, or even climb up me to get out of the flood swirling at your feet. You are welcome to ride the plains, worship the Spirits of The Universe, and be one with the wild animals with me as an Indian. I will even help you to find who you seek to be, but don’t think for a second I will be caged, or taken out of my nature.

Love Yourself first. You are a Beautiful Human. You were made unique, so that only you can decide what fits best in your life. Once you find who you are, then you will be amazed at what you can find in a relationship.