Saturday, July 25, 2015

~BACON~! Always A Good thing, Right??


I Was Soo Excited to cook bacon again! It Was Beautiful, Smelled great and Looked so Delicious! ... Until I caught my kitchen on fire ~=:-/

NEW RULE! NEVER ~EVER~! Use generic lightweight tinfoil again. ~EVER~!

I Just wish someone had caught the whole scene on camera!! Imagine a Naked person happily dancin' around his kitchen, making and sending snapchats to friends, even sharing a short-video of the pancake on the stove, and the bacon perfectly sizzling in the oven. The choreography is beautiful. Then Imagine watching that same choreographed beauty change as the kitchen was suddenly on fire! ... ~oh that scene was mad hilarious. 
It has been a long long time since I have written a blog. This is not because there is nothing exciting in my life to write about, but the exact opposite! My life is so full of Incredibly blessed daily activities, creative projects, and Things that enrich and nourish my soul, that I just have not had time to sit on the computer and write.

Today is no different. I have a million things that are incredibly wonderful, and lots of creative projects in the works. I decided to come write while I let the Smoke clear, the stove cool, and the unburned bacon grease to fully cool before I attempt any more clean up. Besides, This story is too freakin funny to not put into words!

So, Yesterday while shopping, I decided to reward myself with some Bacon. Yes, Reward. No I am not on a diet, or anything like that. I have been diligent about not splurging at the store, not buying treats, or spending more money that I absolutely had to. You see, almost a year ago, I ended up living in one of those Weekly rental motel places, and spending a fortune, going in debt, and struggling to even afford food weekly. Well, in February, I finally got my own "affordable" apartment. But the debt was still chasing me. I have worked hard this past five months to get my expenses manageble, and attempt to get those debts (which were threatening to sue/ garnish, etc under control.) Well, that has been quite the accomplishment! I am now current and have nobody's lawyers chasing me. That is a HUGE relief! So I decided a reward of Bacon was justified. 

I looked over the entire 12-foot section of Bacon many many times. I could have simply gone with the store-brand-cheapest bacon for less than 3-bucks. It would count as bacon, and still feel like a huge reward. But, No. I finally decided on the $7 for 7-absolute Perfect, Thick, Steakhouse-seasoned strips of Pig Flesh. I Held that package in my hands and just admired it for at least 10-seconds. Other shoppers probably thought I was some Freak bacon~worshipper. (Yes, it really did feel like a religious moment). But then I realized I was out of foil, so I almost put it back. Then I reasoned that I could simply go buy the cheap foil, and "it would do". (You might wonder why I need foil to cook bacon?? Stay tuned. I get to that in a bit.)

So today is Saturday, My Sunday. I make sure to get everything done on Friday that requires running around town. This way, I have today completely free to relax at home. This means I have no schedules, or exact times I gotta do anything. This means I can catch-up with the past-weeks events, news, friends' activities they've posted, and even get some of my photos loaded into my Flickr account. I can sip my Coffee (which, by the way, I got myself a Really cool new Mug Yesterday, too!! See? Perfect!

Part of my plan in accomplishing a Life of Peace is to make sure I leave time to cook my own meals, instead of needing to eat Instant, or worse to eat at a restaurant. (again, part of my get-out-debt-plan). I recently remembered the joy of Pancakes. I do not know why I ever stopped making pancakes, but I did. Years and years ago. I saw an old photo that made me recall the delight of pancakes. Here is that photo:
Yup, Cookin' Nekkid is always how you'll find me :)
Well, To me a photo is more than a picture. It is emotion, feel, and brings back all the memories of exactly what I was feeling when it was taken. This photo reminded me of an important thing I somehow had forgotten. The art of making breakfast. Not hurried, not fancy, just happy. 

So, I have been making pancakes and Spam for about a month now, and it is pure delight. This time I decided to go with the treat of My Glorious Bacon along with my pancakes. Yeah, you always hear the joke "Don't cook bacon in the Nude" ... but I do not cook bacon on the stove. I cook it in the oven. This is where the foil comes-in. I line a pan with foil, making edges all around to hold the grease, place the bacon on the foil, then just slide it into the oven at 400* for about 15 minutes. Ya do not need to turn it, it stays flat, there are no splatters, and cleanup is a breeze! Once the bacon is removed, let the grease cool, then just roll up the foil and throw it away! 

Well, Here is where the generic Foil bacame a problem. The generic foil was also not at wide as the regular stuff, so not all of the bacon would fit on one baking sheet. No problem, I just grabbed another baking sheet, lined it with foil, and put the remaining bacon on that pan. Well, That second pan is what started the problem ... It is a dark pan. Everyone knows that dark pans cook faster than light pans. no problem, I'm a pro, right? Ha! Well I was timing it just right, I had one pancake almost done, and knew I would have the perfect amount of time to place it on the plate, add the butter, and Peanut Butter, then would remove the dark pan of bacon. My timing was perfect. I placed that pan on the unused burners of the stove, and grabbed the slices of perfect bacon off, setting them on the paper towels I had on the other counter. I put the butter in the pancake pan, and started the next pancake. just then, the foil wall holding the molten bacon Grease decided to collapse!!! I had a flood of extremely hot bacon grease flooding across my stove and toward the burner of the pancake pan!!

Well it doesn't take a genius to know that if grease hits that burner, it will ignite. It was already smoking heavy because of the hot surface. I had a fan on in the kitchen to keep it cooler, but it was also blowing right toward the stove. I knew if that grease flashed, the fan would spread the fire, so I kicked the fan, as I simultaneously turned off the burner, turned off the oven, and grabbed a roll of paper towels to attempt to stop the flow of grease before it got to the hot burner. Well, I succeeded in three of the four above steps. The fan was not blowing where the fire would erupt. The heat sources were turned off. I almost stopped the flow of grease. Unfortunately, it went under ALL of the burners, and immediately flashed, since that was the hot top of the oven under those burners. I happened to have lids for pans nearby, so covered each burner with a lid so no air could fuel the fire. I used a kitchen towel to smother the flames that licked across the stove.  The fire was out as fast as it started, and did no harm to anything. (Well, no visible harm is noticed yet. Once I clean the stove, and under the burners, I will know it the wiring was scorched.) But my bet is it flashed,a nd went out, so likely no damage.) Yes, I could have run and grabbed a fire extinguisher, but that would have given the fire time to spread. I know enough about fires to know to stop them before they can actually become alive. 

Now the second pan of bacon in the oven was burning. I grabbed the tongs to remove it. It was not badly burnt, but not exactly bacon-tasty anymore. I went to place these pieces on the others I originally removed ... only to discover in the process of kicking the fan from blowing on the stove, I aimed it directly toward the counter which held the previously removed bacon .. and blew it right into the sink full of dishwater. 

So My three-perfect pieces I removed that caused the fire, were now soaked in dishwater. 

I surveyed the scene. Decided there was nothing else that could become a hazard. Grabbed the jar of peanut butter, and simply ate a few forkfulls of Peanut Butter as my Breakfast. Then I wondered why my smoke detector never went off. I walked around the corner, and realized my other fan was blowing a fresh funnel of air from the bedroom window right past the smoke detector. I turned that fan off, and immediately the detector activated. Ugh. So I turned that fan back on. I looked at the mess in the kitchen again, decided now was the perfect time to take a break, and write ....

I leave you with this one thought:
~BACON~! Always a treat. Always a Delight. Always Good! ...

Now, Imagine again why people say "NEVER COOK BACON IN THE NUDE"
Now as you ponder this, I will be scrubbing my entire kitchen ... Again. (I Just scrubbed the entire thing yesterday ...) ~=:-/

Have a Great Day! Even if you almost toast your nekkid bits!(hmm, weinie Roast anyone?) ~Grin~

And JOIN Me on Snapchat! 'halfaniceday' ... you just might be receiving some of these hilarious things as they happen :)