Do You See What I See? Do You Hear What I Hear?

Do You See
What I See?

Do You Hear
What I Hear?

Sometimes I wish others could hear the things I hear, see the things I see, and feel the things I feel. But then I realize that I was created unique for way too many reasons, and others were not created like I was, because it is something that was meant for only me. Most humans are created with the same basic senses: Sight, touch, hearing, taste, and smell. Some have less. Not only do I have all of these, but I was created with levels of these which are supposedly un-attainable to most humans. I also was created with other senses which are not categorized by any of these five. Some call these “gifts” or say I am “gifted”. There are times I would agree, but more often than not, they are actually hindrances than gifts.

All my life, I have baffled doctors. The stuff they were taught does not apply to me. None of the text-books, studies, or research can be used to identify anything about me. My mind processes things in a much different manner than most people’s brains do. I hear, feel, see, and experience things differently than most do.

The best way I can describe the way I experience the world around me is this:

Imagine you are in a theater with a live orchestra, choir, and band consisting of a thousand individuals. Most people hear the sounds produced as a whole unit. You can pick out the various sounds produced by the various groups. For example, you hear the sound the different singers make as a whole group. (you hear sopranos, you hear baritones, you hear falsettos,) But you hear the sounds as a group. I hear each and every single person, in each of those groups. To me, no two match the other’s tone, pitch, or volume. I hear hundreds simultaneously, and I can pick out which person is making which sounds by following where that sound is created from. The same is true for the musical instruments. You hear the sound of violins, the sound of trumpets, the sound of clarinets. But you hear the sound each makes as a group. I hear every single one of those as a completely different sound, and can pick out each and every one by following where the sound comes from. In a 1000-person performance, I hear 1000 different performances.

If one person is not playing, but pretending to play, it throws me off, because my mind is listening for 1000 different sounds, but there are only 999.

Imagine that theater has the most spectacular lighting system. Imagine that lighting system consists of 1000 lights. Most of the lights work as a group to create a desired effect. Many are grouped to create varying colors, levels of brightness, or even special-focus to draw attention to certain areas of the performance at the right time. Most people see a wonderfully lit performance. If they look for the different lighting effects, they can spot where different colors, different levels of brightness, or some of the different effects are visible. Occasionally, most might identify where a few of those beams come from. I see each light as its own individual beam. I see 1000 different colors, 1000 different levels of brightness, 1000 different angles, 1000 different beams of lights. I see the places where those beams intersect, cross, blend, and reflect. I see all the different shades of lights that are supposedly all the same color. I see the colors in mid-air where two or more light-paths cross each other, because no two lights emit the same color, and where they cross, it creates an oddity in that otherwise straight beam of a single color.

Add to the fact that I see 1000 different beams of light, and countless combinations of where those lights shine with the others, and it quickly becomes many-thousands of beams I see all at the same time.

Lighting fixtures also create sound. This is the sound of the combined needed electricity, and the output of the energy created when the fixture emits the light. There is also the sound created when those fixtures heat, and cool at different times of their use. The energy, heat, and electricity also create individual smells from each fixture.

The sense of smell is even more intense. Not only am I smelling the scent from each and every lighting fixture, but imagine all the thousands of scents surrounding me. I can pick out the scent of the materials in the flooring, the stage curtains, the fabric on the chairs, the paint on the walls, and even the glue in the wallpaper. Add to that, every single person naturally has their own scent. Every person also adds to that scent with their own personal hygiene desires. I can smell each different type of shampoo, body-soap, deodorant, perfume, and the laundry-soap they washed their clothes in. If they use breath-mints, I can smell all those various flavors. I can smell the scent of their pets on them. If they were near a smoker, or smoked themselves, I smell that. I can tell if it was cigarette, cigar, pipe, or other substances.

How much of these I smell at any given time depend on air-movement, air-temperature, humidity, or even barometric pressure. The mixtures and combinations are endless. As various scents combine, clash, or happen to cross paths, they create new smells, and they are constantly changing.

Steve Jobs of Apple Fame recently died. In the early stages of creating the Apple Computer, he was excited about the possibility of being able to see all 10,000 shades of beige that were supposedly available. He was mocked for this, but that did not deter him. His enthusiasm to pursue the possibility to actually see all 10,000 shades of beige was what made him successful, and it helped to excite others along the way.

I can relate to that enthusiasm. All my life, I have been disappointed by the limits of man-made devices. No device ever created by a human can duplicate what I see, and hear in real-life.

The best photography does not come close:

Photography is wonderful. I Love capturing, and sharing some of what I see in my journey through life. I say “some”, because I have yet to see anything that accurately captures, and shows the world as it is viewed through my eyes. A picture, whether digital, or as a print can only show what the inventor determined it should show, not what I can see. I can take a picture, and look at the picture right next to the actual real-life item, and the picture only captures about 1/100th of what I actually see. Some of the newest features on the digital cameras are just barely beginning to capture a portion of the colors that I can see. One of my favorite features is what is called “Vivid Color”. This feature brings out many more hues of any given color, and it is wonderful! (It is designed to only capture a very small-range of colors and make them more vivid.) But still, it is only a fraction of the vividness, color-depth, and does not even come close to the “10,000 shades of beige”. In my view, every color that most categorize contains at least 10,000-shades of that same color.

Sound Systems are limited:

Sound-systems are wonderful, but there is not a single one that actually captures all the sounds I hear. The very moment any created sound is sent into a machine of any kind, it loses much of its original qualities. I have always enjoyed running sound-boards, but find them frustrating, and quite limited. Most people who have heard what I do with sound boards like what they hear, and want me to teach them the same thing. I attempt to explain that I only try to duplicate what I hear within the machine’s capabilities. They are always baffled, because to them, They had already done exactly that. Most sound-boards, much like any visual-duplication machine, are created only based on what the inventor can hear for himself. They are limited by what the inventor will allow it to do. I can tweak them a little, but not even close to what I hear in real-life. But that tweaking I do allows others to hear a tiny bit more than they could hear themselves in the natural state. But they cannot duplicate the same results, because they can only duplicate what they are able to hear.

Most sound-capturing, and duplicating devices are limited to only a few ranges of each possible sound. If there was ever a device created that took the real sounds, and duplicated those same sounds, instead of eliminating them, I believe most people would be blown away at what they were missing in everyday life.

Hearing Tests:

There have been many times in life when I was given hearing tests. You put on the headphones, then simply push the button on your left if you hear the sound on the left, and the one on the right if you hear the sound on your right. It is always fun to watch the reactions of the person administering the tests, because I know I can hear far more sounds than they expect me to be able to hear. There have been times that they make a sound come through the headphones, and I yank the headphones off because the sound is so loud, and uncomfortable. They always say the same thing: “That sound is not supposed to be audible to human hearing!” Then they ask more questions about what I heard, and why I yanked the headphones off. I patiently explain to them how much I hear, and how much it hurt. I am not about to allow something like that to damage my hearing.

Time to get my brain exchanged with a chicken!

When I ended up in Virginia in 2005, I ended up in a mental-hospital because I had attempted to kill myself. So, that joke I often refer to: “I did not escape, they gave me a day-pass” has more validity than most realize.

The director of this area of the mental hospital took an interest in me right away. It turned out that he and I had been down very similar paths, and he understood how to connect with me, where most do not. He is The Very first doctor I have EVER felt comfortable around.

The doctors that worked with me actually did a fairly decent job of attempting to understand the uniqueness of how my wiring works. We had discussed the way some lighting, and some sounds send me into seizures. We also discussed how my senses are more finely tuned, and even some of the things I sense that are not through the normal five-senses. After many long discussions, they had some ideas, and asked if they could run some tests. They assured me it would be safe, and by doing these tests, they could further learn about the brain-activity involved in my wiring, along with confirming what I said was actually the case. Because the Doctor I had connected with was the one suggesting it, I agreed.

These tests were scheduled for 10 am the next morning, and would be conducted at the other hospital across town. The Doctor explained the procedure for transporting those patients in a lock-up mental facility. This meant that I would be escorted like a prisoner into a locked transport cage inside a van, then once we arrived at the other hospital, I would be escorted like a prisoner into a locked chamber, where the staff at that hospital would then take custody of me, and transport me to another locked area. It was necessary to explain this in front of a witness, and have me sign papers stating I understood this. But as The Doctor explained this, I could see the hidden smile in his eyes, and could tell he had more planned than his official speech was saying out loud. I looked at the witness, and she did not have any glimmer of even paying attention, she was just going through the motions. I looked back at The Doctor, and He winked.

At 9:30 the next morning, the process of being transported like a prisoner began. All of what I was told happened exactly like I was told it would. Once I was in the locked chamber at the testing hospital, the escort guards left. The test administrator came in and The Doctor introduced us. She smiled, winked at me and said, “It appears there was a scheduling conflict. Your test will not begin until noon.” As she said this, both her, and The Doctor grinned. She left, and left the door open behind her. The Doctor asked if I wanted to get some fresh air. Together, we walked out of the hospital, then he led me to a small park nearby, where we sat on a bench and talked. That was the best thing that could have happened to me at that moment. He understood my need to be outdoors, and also understood I was not needing to be treated like a prisoner. What we talked about will be a post all by itself, because that was more powerful than anything else I went through. At 11:30, we walked to a hotdog stand, and he bought us each a hotdog and a bottle of water. Then we walked up the railroad tracks, watched some trains, and got back to the hospital just before noon.

The Doctor, and the test-administrator were very careful to answer my concerns. They explained that I would be lying flat on a bed with wires glued to my skull, a mask over my eyes, and sound-proof headphones over my ears. I would literally be blind and deaf in that room for two full hours. They explained that they would attempt to induce a seizure based on the information I had given them, and assured me it would be done in a safe-manner, and they could control how much, and how long it lasted.

The official running of the tests would take a full two-hours, and could not be interrupted once they started. The preliminaries would be a full two-hours also. These tests involved gluing about 200 electronic sensors with wires attached to all parts of my skull. These wires went into a machine which both transmitted, and received the data.  After having all these wires strategically placed, and testing them, I was carefully laid flat on a bed. I was actually joking about the Bugs Bunny Cartoon where the mad-scientist switched the brains of a chicken with Bugs Bunny.

The Mask:

Then they placed a mask over my eyes. This mask blocked-out all outside light, and also had wires, and lighting features built-in. They demonstrated a few of the techniques so I would be familiar with how it worked, and not alarmed. They also tested my abilities to sense light without being able to actually see it. They tried with the room lights off, dimmed, bright, and various lighting from random angles. I could tell them every single time where the lighting was on, or off, bright, dim, or from any angle. This confirmed for them that I actually could sense lighting without actually seeing it.

The Headphones:

Then they explained that the headphones I was going to be wearing were sound-proof, so I could not hear any of the normal noises in and around this room, but would only hear the sounds they deliberately put into the headphones. They explained that for verifying how my senses worked, they wanted me to tell them each time I felt one of them move, and point to where they were once they moved. They also wanted to me say if there was light, and where it came from. Then we did some tests using the headphones and the mask to be sure I could not hear or see anything in the room.

Even without the sound, or vision, I could tell them where each of them was every time one, or both moved. They would cross paths, and double-back to see if I lost track, but I could tell each time. Sometimes they would stand behind one-another to see if I could tell. I could. The Doctor left the room, and I said so. A Different person came in the room. I said it was someone I did not know who entered the room. That person stood in the far corner, and the test administrator opened, then closed the door. I said nobody left. Then the door opened and the stranger left as the Doctor entered. I said exactly that.  I could tell if the lights were on, or off, and what angle they came from. I could tell if it was a moving light, or fixed. The administrator then spoke into her microphone which was transmitted to my headphones. She explained that portion was done. I took off my mask, and headphones. We talked quite a lot about my senses, and they were completely baffled that I could know what was going-on, and who was or was not in the room without being able to see, or hear anything. They unplugged my wiring from the machine so I could stretch, use the restroom, and take a break.

The Goons Arrive:

Once the testing began, I was kinda in a mesmerized, half-conscious state most of the time. They played soothing music, and calming lights through the headphones, and mask. Occasionally the test-administrator’s voice would speak through the headphones. I recall some of the sounds, lights, and other minor details, and a few very minor seizures. The administrator would taper them off, and never let them get to full-blown seizures. She would calmly talk to me and tell me it was alright, and they would end. But the time was seemingly mostly like a nap. Then as I was seemingly asleep, I remembered feeling an intense change almost suddenly, but it was probably only building slowly, and at that point, my mind registered all alarms. Because I had already had several small seizures, I was easily susceptible to large ones now. Just as My mind registered they were inducing a seizure, I felt four large men enter the room. They moved very fast, and Just as I yelled outloud, “Who are these men, and why are they here?!” I felt the seizure take full-effect. At the same exact moment, I felt the four large men grab, and attempt to hold me to the bed. My alarms were fully going off, and I was in fight-survival mode!  Then I was completely blacked-out.  

Wake-up sleeping beauty!
When I woke up, the mask was off, the headphones were off, and the wires and electrodes were removed from my skull. I was sore from head to toe, and looked around cautiously. The Doctor smiled, and said “You Really DO know how to fight!” Then he opened the door, and the four goons came back in along with the administrator.  They stood waay back from me, and just looked at me. The doctor laughed, and said “They want a rematch.” I laughed and said,“No way!” Then each of them introduced himself, then left. I was kinda baffled. The test administrator explained how she worked through all the steps, and she knew once she induced the final seizure, I needed to be held to the bed, but it would not be good to have me strapped to the bed, cuz I would not have relaxed. She explained that there is a light outside signaling the “goons” when to come. Their job is to gently hold a person to the bed. I imagine that one could usually hold most patients down. Usually they just need to hold a patient from doing harm to themselves, but there is never any force involved. She and The Doctor explained how I reacted different than any other they had known. I was up and fighting before they could hold me down. They managed to keep me mostly in one place, but I was easily throwing them aside. Since the seizure was already taking place, she turned the intensity up full to knock me out, rather than let me continue to fight. She was surprised by how much I fight when something is wrong. She explained that most simply just withdraw and basically wait for whatever the threat is to pass. She explained how the results of the testing confirm exactly what I had explained, and was completely amazed at my ability to “see” when blind, and “hear” when deaf. She told me the technical names of these things, but I was not able to remember them.  She also said the technical name for the part that causes the seizures, but I also did not recall that. My mind was racing because of all that it had been through. They gave me something to ease the pain, and keep me from feeling the “fight” too much. My head was throbbing.

Set Something Free...

Once the testing was complete, The Doctor and I walked out of the hospital together. He asked If I remembered where the lock-up mental facility was, I said I did. He said he had other errands to take care of, and I could walk myself back there, or I could be transported again in the prisoner-like manner. I chose to walk. He smiled, gave me a bottle of water, and went the other way. By now, this town was getting familiar to me. It was only about a fifteen minute walk. The walk would do me some good. When I got to the other facility, and went to the main desk, the clerk smiled and said, “Wow! You walk fast!” I asked how she knew who I was, and she said “Honey, We ALL Know who YOU Are! It is not often we get someone like you in our facility.” I was not sure exactly what that meant. Then The Doctor came out of a back-room. He was still smiling. I asked about the errands he had to run, and he laughed. Then he explained that he ”Was following a feeling he had about me, and he proved he was right.” He then picked-up a phone, and made “reservations” for me at The Salvation Army Shelter. I would go live there in the morning.  He then walked me back upstairs to the lock-up facility. Along the way, he explained about how he tested me to see if I would come straight back here, or if I would attempt something stupid along the way. He Knew I would come back, and had already arranged for me to go to The Shelter If I did exactly that. I knew none of this, until after he tested me. He knew if I did what I said I would do, I did not need to be in a lock-up facility. The first thing I did once I was upstairs was request to take a shower. I really needed the hot water on all my sore muscles, and to clear my head, and to wash the glue off my skull. Part of the rules about being in a lock-up facility require that you are watched in almost everything you do, to assure nobody can do any harm to themselves. Even though I was already cleared to walk the next morning, I was still in the facility for the night, and the rules needed to be followed.  The nurse who was assigned to watch me noticed all the bruises. She looked like she wanted to ask, but was not supposed to, so she was kinda uncomfortable about seeing them, and not being able to avoid looking. I asked if that was what she was wondering. She nodded, but did not say anything. She was trying her hardest to not look, but they were really obvious, and were not there when I showered that morning. I explained a bit of what happened, and then laughed and said, “I guess it is true about listening to the wrong kind of sounds in your headphones can be bad for you!” That got her to relax finally. After I showered, I ate dinner, then went to bed. I slept solid that night. The nurses had to wake me up so I could have breakfast, and then be checked-out and start my new life! Surprisingly, they let me shower alone that morning.  

The reason I ask youto turn your music down:

Sadly, many artists in the hip-hop field have started mixing and layering sounds that they can only hear a tiny fraction of, but I hear all the layers, overlaps,frequencies, rythms, beats, and combined electronically created sounds that are a result of them tweaking things so that they can hear the tiniest fraction of the same sound. This type of music has a rhythm and beat that easily sends me into a seizure. These creations somehow manage to affect my wiring much more rapidly than any other form of sound. (The only ones that are more rapid at bringing-on a seizure are those electronic beeping alarms, like on large, moving machinery, or the fire-alarms in most buildings). I get so tired of people assuming that the reason I ask them to not play it, or at least turn it down is because I am somehow against Hip-Hop Artists. They do not understand the medical implications the music has on my well-being. They cannot hear all I hear, so they won’t even attempt to understand this. I am not against the music, I am simply trying to stay alive, or not end up in a blacked-out state and pummeling someone for triggering the fight-to-survive mechanism in my wiring. 

Hard of Hearing?

Many assume I am hard of hearing. They come to this assumption because I speak loudly, but do not realize that I do. Some guess I am hard of hearing because I do not hear what they say in an environment where there are other sounds. It is actually the exact opposite. I hear sounds that most cannot hear. I hear more things happening all around me with so much infinite detail, I must tune most of it out, or it will completely overwhelm me to take it all in. When someone speaks in an environment where there are other sounds, I often do not hear them, and have to ask them to repeat what they said. This is because I am working so hard to NOT hear all the millions of other sounds, that when I am not expecting them to speak, I am not tuned-into them.

Am I Tone-Deaf?

The same is true for singing, or music. Many assume I am either tone-deaf, or cannot hear a beat. It is the exact opposite. The problem is that I hear more than they do, and they cannot explain to me exactly which one they want me to focus on. I have had music-teachers get frustrated because when they tell me something is a certain note, but they cannot duplicate that same sound twice, I will ask Which one of those last ten notes they considered the one they wish me to duplicate. They look baffled, and claim that they were ALL Exactly the same, when they were not. They cannot hear the variations, so they assume I should not either. In music, people try to explain the beat, or rhythm by counting 1-2-3-4 on which they hear only those four counts. In those I hear seven different counts. I have had people demonstrate using a Metronome, and I get the same result. In the time it goes tick, tick, I count five different beats. I have never heard one that actually matched what they said it did. Because I hear more, and see more, I cannot figure out which parts I am supposed to ignore. The ones teaching these do not understand that there is way more than they hear.  I have had some really wonderful musicians, and singers in my life. Many of these are incredible teachers of their craft. But they can only teach those who hear the same things they are being taught. I hear many more things, but those wishing to teach say that is not possible.

A Safety Concern:

I hear, and feel sounds differently than others do. Why is it so hard for people to be willing to understand the reasons I ask them to turn their music down? Why do they assume I am somehow against their choice of music? Why will they not even try to understand that it is a safety concern. Most Emergency-Service workers understand how strobe-lights can affect people such as myself.  I have had some police officers who refused to turn off their strobe lights until I told them they better have an ambulance on the way. Then they suddenly cooperate. I have talked with the police-chiefs of the departments where this has occurred, and the Chiefs always insist they DO train their officers about how strobes can affect people adversely.

A Wish:

Sometimes I wish that some of these people would be able to hear what I hear, see what I see, and feel what I feel. Sometimes I think that if they could experience it, they might be more understanding, caring, and possibly just a tiny-bit kinder to their fellow-human. But then I realize there is a reason I was given these “Gifts”, and they were not. I was given these because my creator knows I would use them to help others as much as possible. My creator knows the reasons I was given these, and has a life ahead for me that utilizes these in the most unusual circumstances that will arise. These are just a few of the things that make me who I am. These are just a few of the things that make me the most unique human ever created. I learned early on how my senses were different than any other, and learned early on that I would never be like another human on this Earth. I learned that I am different, and there is no way to even partially explain to another what makes me who I am. I know that most people would have a complete break-down if they suddenly heard all the extra sounds they have never had to filter-out. I know they would go insane if they suddenly saw 100-times more detail in every single thing they are used to seeing at only about 1/100th of the same detail. Most people complain about any light that shines when they are attempting to sleep. I imagine if they saw how bright I see every detail when they claim it is pitch-black, they would not be too pleased.The processes involved in suddenly having to sort, and sift all these extra details would overwhelm them.

No Such Thing as Boredom:

But at the same time, anyone who has walked through life with me knows I claim “that it is impossible to ever be bored.” This is true. With so many things always to see, hear, feel, sort, sift, and process, boredom is Never a factor.

So, as I continue my journey through life, I will keep looking for ways to express myself, and try to capture what I see, hear and feel for others to possibly also enjoy. If you find yourself "Bored" May you discover there is more to discover than you thought possible. May you find detail where it never before existed. May you hear, feel, and see without using your ears, fingers, or eyes. ~=:-)