Boiling Blood

Boiling Blood

It’s amazing how you can manage to find the strength to continue in life day after day, usually finding the positive, safe, and happy places to be. But also amazing is how one single event can send you into a complete and total tail-spin.

When an event arises that actually does send your world into an upside-down, complete-wreck of anything that resembles normal daily living, and actually gets your blood boiling so much that you cannot even stop to gather your thoughts, and struggle to find something, anything positive to grasp for a life-preserver, It takes a while to get a clear grasp and be able to function properly.

(Yeah, I know… that above “sentence” is an absolute wreck of a run-on, and grammatically-correct sentence-structure.) It is VERY Fitting of where my mind is right now.

Often, it seems that it is only one event, or situation that starts this tail-spin cycle. But once you get a chance to look back on it, it is clear that it is in fact many events, and you need to address them one at a time. When life is in a tail-spin, being able to spot one single item seems impossible. The spiral, and destruction seem to be overwhelming to the point that it would seem easier to just give-up.  

The past couple of weeks has been a train-wreck in my mind, soul, and view on life. My blood is boiling, and I am pissed at so many different things right now. I absolutely hate when I feel this way. I often am passionate about many things, and will vent, or even voice, write, or discuss some very strong opinions about those things. People who are familiar with me know that if I am able to clearly state what I feel about any given subject , know that I am actually ok. I may be a little aggravated, or even a tad upset, but that is a good thing, because I am able to address whatever the topic at hand happens to be. I may not always understand WHY something is the way it is, but IF I am able to voice it, write, it, or discuss it, then I am functioning in a positive way.

Often, “Hot-topic” items come up, and it is not a huge deal. The topic, or situation comes up, and is handled. IF it is one or two topics, situations, or people, they are usually easily addressed. Some of my daily struggles are often what I consider to be “little” things, because I have had so many, and they become a regular thing to have to address. To anyone else, they are amazed at how much I tackle on a daily basis, and say they could not handle, or even imagine facing life if they had to go through even a portion of those difficulties I face daily. Most people say how they are amazed at how I manage to find positive in what they would consider absolute-devastation. Usually, when another person is going through anything difficult, I am able to be there, help them, and even take-away much of their troubles, because I have been through it all so many times. What is new and never-before happened to others is often old and familiar to me.

Hurt, pain, suffering, abuse, death, theft, betrayal, rejection, bullying, sexual-wrong-doing, attempted murder, and many more that I have experienced, survived, and somehow found ways to cope with have made me who and what I am. Most of these I have experienced at levels that horrify those who get to know me. Not many get to know me well-enough to even begin to get an idea of what makes me tick. As a survival mechanism, I have built many many walls around myself. These walls can be compared to a self-imposed-prison. These walls are there to keep as much of the attacks on my well-being out as possible. Unfortunately, these walls also keep out what would be good for me too. Not many wish to come inside these walls and visit.

At the same time, where most do not wish to even peek inside of these walls, the very things in life which have forced these walls to be built, are also the same things that help those who do enter my life to find ways to survive when these things happen to them. Often, I find that the reasons I was forced to go through such horrifying experiences is so I can save the life of another when they are facing similar situations.

When it comes to someone in my life I care about, there is not a road I won’t go down to help them out. I have been down every road myself, usually alone. So when someone else is facing that same road, I will do whatever it takes to make sure they do not have to face those horrifying steps alone.

I have learned to fight in order to survive. I always avoid any kind of fight if at all possible. I hate everything that has to do with any kind of fight. Whether verbal, physical, mental, financial, or any other fight someone might think-up. I detest fighting, and will avoid it. Unfortunately when I, or someone I care about is pushed too far, I fight. I fight for what is right always. I fight for survival always. All my life, I have been forced to fight, and I detest it with ever fiber of my body, mind, spirit, and soul.

There are people in this world who thrive on doing wrong to others. I cannot tolerate anyone willingly doing wrong to any other living creature. There is absolutely no excuse for it. Those who choose to harm another will get my blood boiling faster than any other thing on this planet. Harming another by their own choosing is the utmost selfish behavior, and there is no excuse for it. I fully admit, that I have hurt others, and would never pretend I haven’t. When I have, the harm it does to myself is destructive to the point that I make an effort to NEVER do that again. Unfortunately, many humans seem to thrive, and enjoy harming others. The list of ways in which others choose to harm another is endless, and it would take me hours just to list a portion of it.

The three topics on that list which get my blood boiling faster than any other would be: Any Sexual-wrong-doing, Any Racism, and Any Physical violence. (not necessarily in that order) Right now, my blood is boiling about all three. I am mad enough that I cannot sort my thoughts on any one of these well enough to actually put into words what I am feeling. This blog came about because I am so extremely pissed right now that I was searching for anything I could actually find clear thoughts on, and put into words. Even if I cannot immediately address the key issues, I know how much I need to express my thoughts on some of the perimeters of these areas.

For reasons I cannot understand, people do these things daily to others, without seemingly any justice being served. I know justice is not always immediate, and often we do not see how it actually takes place. I know that in the end, everybody always gets the justice they deserve. Sometimes, it takes a lifetime before they are judged. Often those who have been wronged wish to take matters into their own hands. I saw a movie once that showed this very well. That movie was “Sudden Impact” Starring Clint Eastwood. If you wish to know about it you can look it up. While murder is not something I am willing to commit, I like the idea of shooting off the parts that caused the offense. There are Two reasons I have never done this to anybody: First, is because going to jail is not something on my list of things to Ever do in life. And Second, I Will Never willingly harm another if I have a choice. But the thoughts of taking action is very entertaining, and often therapeutic. I would castrate anybody who committed any sexual wrong-doing. I would remove the portion of the mind that sees color of anyone who committed any Racism. I would remove the hands of anyone who ever Struck another. I am fully aware that these totally contradict my views on harming another. That goes to show how much these get my blood boiling. I do not claim that my thinking on these is at all good. This shows how strongly I disapprove of these behaviors. I do not even for a second believe I would be right in doing so. I DO KNOW that I never have, and likely never will actually do any of these things. I have all my life had to deal with these same situations, and Every single time the opportunity comes up, The person is fully aware of my intentions, and often believes I am actually going to follow-through with these actions. That alone is enough. For them to see that I will not stoop to the same level as they have, and for them to know I could have, and was capable is enough.

My wish for this world is that one day all humans will be wiped-out, and let nature regain this planet called Earth. There is way too much wrong-doing happening, and it is only getting worse. I would not complain if we all were suddenly done with life.

As I sort through all that I am attempting to deal with right now, I hope I can just be allowed to go about my life peacefully, and get back to that happy place. Peacefully does not mean alone. It means no fighting, no violence, no harming another in any way. It means caring, sharing, and enjoying all that is good around us. It means finding something positive to focus on when all else seems negative. Peacefully means not treating another person differently because their skin color is different than yours. Peacefully means treating others the way you would want to be treated. It means helping another when they need help. It means accepting help when it is offered. It means playing nice, not bullying, or even forcing yourself on another. It means allowing someone a little personal space. It means respect and Love.

One day, I hope to be able to sort through all this, and actually put what is troubling me into words. Mostly for my own ability to be able to know I can survive, and rise above the troubles. If putting my thoughts into words helps even one  person in life, then it has more than doubled the reason I exist.