I Was Sentenced for Life, For Skinny Dipping!

Wanna find out what is legal and what is not in New York State?

I Got Life, Just for Skinny Dipping!

Find a Very Remote place to go for a swim. Alone. You will be amazed how fast a State Trooper will show up, even though you had not seen one for hours.

(originally found somewhere on Pinterest ... but I no longer have that link)

 (Well, Wrong Kind of Trooper, But it made me laugh.)

When I was suicidal in 2005, I also was taking care of my everyday basic needs, such as hygiene and eating. In my quest for finding “The Right place to die”, I also managed somehow to find the best things to enjoy in life. It was quite ironic how I found life while seeking death. I did not first notice this, until many years later. It is only now, in 2014, that many of these life-lessons are starting to sink-in. Usually, I discover how valuable the experiences were only after I find old writings expressing my feelings from back then. Yup, even in seeking death, I wrote journals, notes, and sought more than I really knew.

It was August 2005. I managed to find some of the most beautiful places where it seemed no other human existed. I found some of the most pristine, pure, and beautiful places in nature while in New York State. One of the greatest joys I had discovered was to bathe in a creek, or river. Yep, even wanting to die, I still stopped to bathe regularly. It was August, and very hot, humid, and made me want to be clean more than usual. So I often followed roads that I knew would eventually be at a river, stream, lake or pond. Finding water in New York State was never difficult, but I wanted water away from humans, and away from the highways. I seemed to seek solitude more during this seeking of whatever was supposed to be my ultimate destination.

One road I traveled easily 50 miles from the main highway. It was a dirt road, only wide enough for one vehicle, but I knew it would lead me to water … more importantly secluded water. While I had in the previous year come to allow my desire for nakedness to be less hidden, and come a long way in allowing others to see me naked, I still was not fully willing to just be free anywhere any time.

Well, This particular day, I managed to find a great swimming hole at the end of this 50-mile long dirt road. It was Absolutely Perfect! I could tell from the road that it had been days since any vehicle had traveled down this road. (There were no fresh tire tracks.) Also, there was plenty of brush and grass that grew in the road, and none had even been bent-over. When I got to the end of the road, it appeared to be a place an old bridge used-to exist, but that was long ago. The water was not visible from the road. It was beyond a small hill. I stripped right there at my car, only wearing my sandals for climbing the rocks and over the assorted brush. I grabbed my soap, razor, and towel, and happily marched to the water.

Oh, It was perfect! The water was clear, warm enough to stay in for a while, and had plenty of very large rocks along the shore, and in the middle of the river. I did not just immediately wash and shave. I enjoyed the sun, waded, explored, and absolutely enjoyed the freedom. I often wear my sandals in the water, until I know there is nothing that will harm my feet. The river bottom was clean, with soft sand in the calm spots, and smooth rocks in the faster spots. I waded thru a calm spot, and placed my towel, sandals, soap and razor on one of the large rocks in the middle of the river.

I was excited to have found a perfect place to be in nature, clean, and shave. Also simultaneously, I was excited that after I was clean and shaved, I could easily die here.
{{GRAPHIC WARNING!: I describe here how I planned to kill myself... Just to not shock you}}
I had the beautiful idea that in this river, I could simply make sure I was wedged between two large rocks, just barely holding my head above water, crack my skull with a good-sized rock, and go unconscious, immediately forcing my head under the water, and have no chance to change it. It is odd how a suicidal mind works. First my priority was to get clean and fully shaved before I died. Also, by being wedged between the rocks, my body would not simply float down stream, and wash up on a shore to be immediately found. In the water, it would become fish-food, slowly decompose, and wash away in bits, returning completely to nature. To me, this was Perfect!

I swam, and waded quite a distance from my towel. I even found and tried a test-fit for where I thought I could wedge myself. Found a suitable rock to crack my skull, and placed it on top of one of those boulders. Then I heard tires rolling fast over the dirt road. I had been under water quite a bit, so had not heard the tires until the vehicle was really close. I immediately thought “oh no! I will not be alone to die!” Then I thought, whoever it was would see my car at the end of the road, and decide to turn around, since they likely were seeking a place with nobody else. Or there was the possibitly that whoever it was would come, swim then leave. I was not worried, but was a bit curious as to why there would suddenly be someone down here. I had left my car windows down, and doors unlocked, and keys, wallet, and everything else inside, so I was a bit concerned that it might be some backwoods people that seek this sort of opportunity. (Yes even in the desire to die, knowing I would not need the car or stuff inside, it concerned me that someone may be up to no-good.)  But before I could even decide what to do, the vehicle had stopped right by mine, and I could hear what sounded like a police radio. Then I heard his footsteps tromping fast over the hill toward the river. My first thought was “Grab the towel!” But the towel was far from where I was. As soon as he could see me, he yelled that I needed to get out of the water! I swam toward him. The water was totally clear, so he obviously knew I was naked. I asked if he preferred I grabbed my towel first. He said, “No, just get out of the water!”

I could tell from his hat that he was a State Trooper, not just a county Sherriff. Yipes! I thought I was about to be arrested for skinny dipping! Why would a Trooper come all the way down here? Oh my head was spinning.

As I stepped onto the rocks, he asked if I was All Right? I was puzzled, because I still did not know why he was here. I of course was in a confused state of mind, since I was in the middle of planning to die, and his first question was “Are You Alright?” But I reasoned there was no way he could know that. (Could he?) When I left Oregon, I left in a hurry, and likely made some who I had left behind quite concerned, and was not sure if any had sent police looking for me. I was certain some had figured out I was suicidal. Also, while in Nebraska, I ripped up a speeding ticket and threw it on the ground in front of the officer (That is another story all by itself.) So, I really was not sure why this officer was here, and to have him first ask if I was Alright, made me also wonder. I knew I needed to be careful how I answered, and to find out why he was here, or I likely would end up in jail, or a mental-lock-up.  And odd as it may sound, jail was not a place I felt I could survive to kill myself. Yep, the mind of a suicidal person has depths to yet be understood.

He saw my puzzlement, and told me he was concerned if I was alright, since I was swimming alone. That also seemed odd to me, but I went with his direction, so I hopefully would not reveal more of why I was down here. I said I was, and thought it was a perfect place to swim. He asked me to come closer to him, and sit down. I still was not sure what he was up to, but of course I did. I sat in front of him, facing away, thinking once I sat, he would cuff me. He came to the front of me, and sat on a boulder facing me.That made me relax a bit. I asked if I was in trouble? He chuckled and said “Not how you may think.” He told me he saw I was from Oregon, and guessed I did not know the laws in New York State. I admitted I likely did not. (I had a similar encounter in Nebraska, where I learned it was illegal to "camp" in a cornfield, along a canal, or anywhere near a farm, but it was perfectly legal to camp in a city park for free, up to three nights.) 

He asked what I thought he might be here for? (Now he was totally playing with me!) I told Him I really did not know. Told him I thought it was odd that a Trooper would travel 50-miles down a dead-end dirt road, unless he had spotted me doing something wrong up on the highway and it took him this long to catch up to me. He laughed, admitting I was correct. Then quickly assured me he had not spotted me doing anything wrong. But what caught his attention was someone with Oregon plates exploring very remote roads, and when I did not return to the highway in a short time, he wanted to follow and see if I was alright. (Of Course my head was spinning, and I was distracted, so I just accepted what his reason was, not giving it much thought.)

I asked if he knew I would be naked when he approached Me? He said yes, since all my clothes were piled on my car seat.  But clearly naked was not a concern for him. My very first thought was I was gonna be arrested for nakedness, but he made that clear it was not the reason right away. I asked why he was here, since he still had not told me, and clearly he had no problem with me being naked, was sitting on a boulder casually in front of me. He was not at all creepy, or uncomfortable. He did look at my entire body, but more in a curious way, not a leering, ogling, uncomfortable way. He was very comfortable to be near. Which was odd for me, since I was still learning to be seen while naked. I asked what his reason for asking me out of the water was. He grinned and finally told me the Law he needed to enforce. In New York State, it is Illegal to Swim Alone. Period.

In New York State, It is illegal to Swim Alone. It does not matter if it is a puddle, a pond, a stream, a pool, or a river. Any water, you must have someone there with you. I jokingly (and nervously!) told him “Well I was a certified life guard at age of ten, and an expert swimmer, too. He laughed, and said “You cannot save yourself.” He looked at my pile of items on the rock in the river, asked what those were? I told him I hoped to bathe, shave and enjoy some swimming. He glanced at my stubbly bikini region, and grinned. He asked about my travels, and what brought me to New York?”

Yipes! How much did he know, and how much should I say?? Did he know I ran away from Oregon? Was he baiting me? Did he know about the incident in Nebraska?? Did he somehow Know I was planning to kill myself here?? Oh, I was a nervous wreck, and he could see it! He was good! He said, “Never mind about your travels. Let’s talk about your needs right now. Right now you seek to get clean and shave, correct?” I said yes. He clearly could see more than he admitted, yet something in him also showed me he was not going to harm me in any way. He said that since I was not allowed to do that alone, that presented a problem.  I asked if he was allowed to leave and pretend I was not at the water all alone? He said he could not pretend he had not found me here, and he absolutely would not leave me here alone. He pointed at the rock I had placed on top of the boulder. He said “That rock sure is a beauty that you pulled from the water!” I again was caught off-guard! He looked at me, noticing I got nervous. He said, “It is wet, so it stood out, I noticed it had a red-layer imbedded in the grey rock, and wet in the sunlight it sure shines bright! You found The Most beautiful rock in the whole river!” Omigosh! I was freaking out! Did he know?? Or was he truly only noticing the natural beauty of the rock I had selected? I looked at the rock, and sure enough, it really was a beautiful rock! Did he know? Was that why he insisted he could not leave me here alone?

I was faced with needing to get in my car and drive away, or finding a way to get him to leave. I doubted I would succeed in getting him to leave. I decided I had nothing to lose. I got bold, and asked “Well, You are here. Could that count as not being alone?” I seriously thought he would just tell me to get in my  car and leave. He first looked kinda stern at me, then thought about it a second. He knew how to solve the problem. He said he had some reports to write, and it had been a while since he sat by the river and wrote his reports. He got up, said “go about your business, I will be here so you are not alone in the water.” He went over the hill to his car. I went to my supplies out on that rock. When I looked again, he was returning with his clipboard, went and sat under a tree, just a few yards from where I was.

At first I was nervous about actually bathing and possibly shaving in front of him. But he clearly was not giving me a second-look. He truly was writing his reports. I still wondered if he knew?

I first soaped-up while in the water, then climbed up on the rock, and re-soaped so I could use the suds as shaving lubricant. I mention in previous blogs about the infrequency of being able to fully shave my whole body. It had been months, and all I kept shaved was my bikini region. I shaved only my bikini region this time, too. After I rinsed in the water, I gathered my items, and went back to the shore near where he was. He glanced up and down my body, and said “I still have more reports to write, if you want to finish shaving.” I felt a wee-bit mortified that he had noticed so much about me! Now I was suddenly feeling “on display” instead of totally safe. He noticed my change in how I carried myself. He apologized for making me uncomfortable. He meant it, too. He said he would be here for another half-hour if I should decide I wanted more time in the water. Then without a glance, or a word, went back to his work.

I decided to place my items on the shore and go for some more swimming. I went back to where that one rock was on top of the boulder. I held it, admired it. I started crying. I did not want him to notice I was crying, so I placed it back on the boulder, and went under the water where tears do not show. As I came up, I noticed he was watching me quite closely. He had to know… But could he really? I Did notice the free feeling of the water in my bikini area, compared to the not so free feeling where the hair was on the rest of my body. I decided to take him up on his offer and do a full shave. I tried to make sure he did not see me grab my soap and razor, but he looked up and smiled, giving me a “it’s ok” look. Something about him told me I did not need to hide or be embarrased at all in front of him. I thought how odd it was that he came along just before I could kill myself, and also that he was being so careful to make me comfortable, was being so kind, giving, and concerned about how I was, and whether he made me nervous. I decided to shave right there, just a few feet in front of him. He smiled as he did his reports, but something about him made me feel very comfortable near him. I shaved every inch of my body, including my stubbly chin. Oh it felt wonderful!! Shaving in nature is such an awesome experience compared to shaving in a shower!

I knew his half-hour was almost up. I rinsed thoroughly, and went for another decent swim. I went back to the shore and got out near where he was. As I came to the shore, he said with a smile, "Yes, you certainly are an expert swimmer! You stay under water longer than anyone I've known, and if the water was not clear I would have sworn you drowned. But I could see you were swimming long distance under water." (I cringed thinking he really must know, and each time I went under water, he was thinking he would have to rescue me!) He looked-up, glanced up and down my whole body, grinned, then got up and said “My work here is done.”  As I toweled off, he said “Have a good journey. Oh, and there is a perfect campground just North up the road for you about thirty miles, told me the name of the campground. I hope you find what you need.” I asked how he knew what campground was good for me? He grinned, said he knew a lot more about me than I thought he knew. And with that he walked away, got in his car and left.  He knew I would now soon be leaving in my car behind him. How did he know??

I was now really wondering! How much did he know? When and where did he actually spot me in my car, and how long had he followed me? Did he follow me to see if I was trying to commit suicide?? Did he decide that if my priority was to get clean and to shave, and that if he showed me a little love and concern he knew it would go a lot further than any scorning could?  I also now wondered how much of that “law” was for real, and how much was not. (I Later lookedit up, and it was real. In New York State, it is illegal to swim, or be in any water alone.)

I was both really happy, and a bit conflicted. Who was that Trooper, and what did he know? What did he mean about a “perfect campground”?  Before leaving, I glanced once more at that rock, and thought how Ironic that the one I chose already hada streak the same color as Blood in it. I decided I should get dressed and leave before any of the wonderful turned bad.  As I drove out along that dirt road, I pondered a lot. I looked for that Trooper, suspecting he was parked, waiting to see if I would actually leave, or if I would go back to the water. But he had left. He knew he did all he was supposed to do. I could see the whole way out his return-trip tire tracks. At no point did he find a spot to pull off and wait. At the highway, I saw his dirt-tracks onto the pavement went the same way he mentioned about the campground, but I did not give it a second thought.

In my journey of seeking where I needed to go next, I really had no idea, but just went where it felt “right” each time I got to a choice in direction. I really did not consider that I WOULD go camp where this Trooper “suggested”, but that direction up the road seemed to take me where I needed to go.

In the beginning of this writing I mentioned how I kept finding “life” in my quest for death. This day was exactly that. The odd thing was each time I failed at suicide, I actually was learning something more valuable. I did not allow those valuable lessons to sink-in at that time. It would take years for me to truly grasp that I found life while seeking death. This day, and The Trooper were one in many weeks worth of accumulated lessons that would eventually lead me to be the living person I am today.

You probably wonder if I did go to that campground the Trooper mentioned? Yup I did. I almost did not even enter once I saw the list of prices for a night. Part of running away means you have zero resources for income, and you only have what money is in your pocket. Camping at pricey campgrounds is something I typically would avoid, and especially under these circumstances. But something told me I needed to stop at the ranger's office and at least see...

... As I walked into the ranger's office, I was greeted by name. I was a bit surprised to say the least. I asked how he knew my name? The ranger handed me my own Driver's License! Now I was a bit more freaked-out. He apologized, and meant it for freaking me out. He quickly told me my night of camping was already paid for, and my license was just waiting for me to be returned. The nice Ranger showed me on the map where my spot was for the night. He explained "This was The Perfect spot for what I needed tonight." I asked how it was possible that my license was already here, my spot already assigned, and was paid for? He smiled, and said to "Just Enjoy it." He explained the location where my site was would be "A Safe place for the night". I was not sure what exactly he meant by that. He told me to not worry, just go, be free, relax, and to be sure and come see him before I departed the next day.

 I will write more about that campground, The Ranger, and that night in another post. (I mentioned it briefly long ago in a blog about naked campfires, but I barely mentioned it, and did not show the connection to the day leading up to it.)

For now, Know that I am Alive because God sends the right Angels at the right time. (It is ok if you do not believe in God, or in Angels. I will not attempt to force you to believe. I believe.) That Trooper was sent to show me the joys of life, give me the much needed love, and show me he knew without being mean about it. I went away from there confused, of course. I was still wishing I could die, and just decided I would have to wait for the next opportunity, but knew that place was not meant to be where I died. I also found out that night that I would stop trying to find a way to die for many more days. That trooper, and That Campground were the Start of Really Learning what was valuable in Life. I found abundant life in the next few days. But that was not the end of my Suicide attempts.

Why am I writing about such horrific thoughts? Well, you may think the thoughts are horrific. But they are real. I am not the only person whose thinks this way. Suicide is one of the most misunderstood things in our society. If more people understand, and accept that this is real, less people will be shocked when it happens. Also perhaps that Trooper was once suicidal, understands it himself, and knew how to be at the right place, and say the right things to help me to live. There is a misconception that people can prevent suicide. Nope. A person cannot prevent suicide. But that person’s actions can change the path of the one who is suicidal, and that new path can lead the suicidal person to the places they really need to be. If that person lives, they will take the lessons taught on to make a better life, and hopefully help others go where they need to be.

It took me many years of struggles to even be able to talk about my suicide attempts. It is not at easy even after all these years. Although it may seem I am kinda relaxed about it now, and make it every-day conversation, it is always a struggle. It takes a lot to not allow myself to actually feel those emotions again as I am finally able to tell what happened so long ago. I am just glad I am finally able to put some of it into words.

No Matter your struggles, fears, worries, and battles. I can promise you: Someone else in this huge world understands. I Hope you are open to those who come at the right time to be your Angels.

Boiling Blood

Boiling Blood

It’s amazing how you can manage to find the strength to continue in life day after day, usually finding the positive, safe, and happy places to be. But also amazing is how one single event can send you into a complete and total tail-spin.

When an event arises that actually does send your world into an upside-down, complete-wreck of anything that resembles normal daily living, and actually gets your blood boiling so much that you cannot even stop to gather your thoughts, and struggle to find something, anything positive to grasp for a life-preserver, It takes a while to get a clear grasp and be able to function properly.

(Yeah, I know… that above “sentence” is an absolute wreck of a run-on, and grammatically-correct sentence-structure.) It is VERY Fitting of where my mind is right now.

Often, it seems that it is only one event, or situation that starts this tail-spin cycle. But once you get a chance to look back on it, it is clear that it is in fact many events, and you need to address them one at a time. When life is in a tail-spin, being able to spot one single item seems impossible. The spiral, and destruction seem to be overwhelming to the point that it would seem easier to just give-up.  

The past couple of weeks has been a train-wreck in my mind, soul, and view on life. My blood is boiling, and I am pissed at so many different things right now. I absolutely hate when I feel this way. I often am passionate about many things, and will vent, or even voice, write, or discuss some very strong opinions about those things. People who are familiar with me know that if I am able to clearly state what I feel about any given subject , know that I am actually ok. I may be a little aggravated, or even a tad upset, but that is a good thing, because I am able to address whatever the topic at hand happens to be. I may not always understand WHY something is the way it is, but IF I am able to voice it, write, it, or discuss it, then I am functioning in a positive way.

Often, “Hot-topic” items come up, and it is not a huge deal. The topic, or situation comes up, and is handled. IF it is one or two topics, situations, or people, they are usually easily addressed. Some of my daily struggles are often what I consider to be “little” things, because I have had so many, and they become a regular thing to have to address. To anyone else, they are amazed at how much I tackle on a daily basis, and say they could not handle, or even imagine facing life if they had to go through even a portion of those difficulties I face daily. Most people say how they are amazed at how I manage to find positive in what they would consider absolute-devastation. Usually, when another person is going through anything difficult, I am able to be there, help them, and even take-away much of their troubles, because I have been through it all so many times. What is new and never-before happened to others is often old and familiar to me.

Hurt, pain, suffering, abuse, death, theft, betrayal, rejection, bullying, sexual-wrong-doing, attempted murder, and many more that I have experienced, survived, and somehow found ways to cope with have made me who and what I am. Most of these I have experienced at levels that horrify those who get to know me. Not many get to know me well-enough to even begin to get an idea of what makes me tick. As a survival mechanism, I have built many many walls around myself. These walls can be compared to a self-imposed-prison. These walls are there to keep as much of the attacks on my well-being out as possible. Unfortunately, these walls also keep out what would be good for me too. Not many wish to come inside these walls and visit.

At the same time, where most do not wish to even peek inside of these walls, the very things in life which have forced these walls to be built, are also the same things that help those who do enter my life to find ways to survive when these things happen to them. Often, I find that the reasons I was forced to go through such horrifying experiences is so I can save the life of another when they are facing similar situations.

When it comes to someone in my life I care about, there is not a road I won’t go down to help them out. I have been down every road myself, usually alone. So when someone else is facing that same road, I will do whatever it takes to make sure they do not have to face those horrifying steps alone.

I have learned to fight in order to survive. I always avoid any kind of fight if at all possible. I hate everything that has to do with any kind of fight. Whether verbal, physical, mental, financial, or any other fight someone might think-up. I detest fighting, and will avoid it. Unfortunately when I, or someone I care about is pushed too far, I fight. I fight for what is right always. I fight for survival always. All my life, I have been forced to fight, and I detest it with ever fiber of my body, mind, spirit, and soul.

There are people in this world who thrive on doing wrong to others. I cannot tolerate anyone willingly doing wrong to any other living creature. There is absolutely no excuse for it. Those who choose to harm another will get my blood boiling faster than any other thing on this planet. Harming another by their own choosing is the utmost selfish behavior, and there is no excuse for it. I fully admit, that I have hurt others, and would never pretend I haven’t. When I have, the harm it does to myself is destructive to the point that I make an effort to NEVER do that again. Unfortunately, many humans seem to thrive, and enjoy harming others. The list of ways in which others choose to harm another is endless, and it would take me hours just to list a portion of it.

The three topics on that list which get my blood boiling faster than any other would be: Any Sexual-wrong-doing, Any Racism, and Any Physical violence. (not necessarily in that order) Right now, my blood is boiling about all three. I am mad enough that I cannot sort my thoughts on any one of these well enough to actually put into words what I am feeling. This blog came about because I am so extremely pissed right now that I was searching for anything I could actually find clear thoughts on, and put into words. Even if I cannot immediately address the key issues, I know how much I need to express my thoughts on some of the perimeters of these areas.

For reasons I cannot understand, people do these things daily to others, without seemingly any justice being served. I know justice is not always immediate, and often we do not see how it actually takes place. I know that in the end, everybody always gets the justice they deserve. Sometimes, it takes a lifetime before they are judged. Often those who have been wronged wish to take matters into their own hands. I saw a movie once that showed this very well. That movie was “Sudden Impact” Starring Clint Eastwood. If you wish to know about it you can look it up. While murder is not something I am willing to commit, I like the idea of shooting off the parts that caused the offense. There are Two reasons I have never done this to anybody: First, is because going to jail is not something on my list of things to Ever do in life. And Second, I Will Never willingly harm another if I have a choice. But the thoughts of taking action is very entertaining, and often therapeutic. I would castrate anybody who committed any sexual wrong-doing. I would remove the portion of the mind that sees color of anyone who committed any Racism. I would remove the hands of anyone who ever Struck another. I am fully aware that these totally contradict my views on harming another. That goes to show how much these get my blood boiling. I do not claim that my thinking on these is at all good. This shows how strongly I disapprove of these behaviors. I do not even for a second believe I would be right in doing so. I DO KNOW that I never have, and likely never will actually do any of these things. I have all my life had to deal with these same situations, and Every single time the opportunity comes up, The person is fully aware of my intentions, and often believes I am actually going to follow-through with these actions. That alone is enough. For them to see that I will not stoop to the same level as they have, and for them to know I could have, and was capable is enough.

My wish for this world is that one day all humans will be wiped-out, and let nature regain this planet called Earth. There is way too much wrong-doing happening, and it is only getting worse. I would not complain if we all were suddenly done with life.

As I sort through all that I am attempting to deal with right now, I hope I can just be allowed to go about my life peacefully, and get back to that happy place. Peacefully does not mean alone. It means no fighting, no violence, no harming another in any way. It means caring, sharing, and enjoying all that is good around us. It means finding something positive to focus on when all else seems negative. Peacefully means not treating another person differently because their skin color is different than yours. Peacefully means treating others the way you would want to be treated. It means helping another when they need help. It means accepting help when it is offered. It means playing nice, not bullying, or even forcing yourself on another. It means allowing someone a little personal space. It means respect and Love.

One day, I hope to be able to sort through all this, and actually put what is troubling me into words. Mostly for my own ability to be able to know I can survive, and rise above the troubles. If putting my thoughts into words helps even one  person in life, then it has more than doubled the reason I exist.