Betty, I am Sorry

It wasn’t you. It was Me.

I am 47 and I think I might finally be growing-up.

I owe an apology and a hug to someone I hurt 10 years ago.
Betty. I am sorry.
You have been on my heart a lot this week. Actually lots more than this week. You have been on my heart since I hurt you ten years ago. But most of that time was filled with resentment, hatred, and anger. This last month, I realized I was the one who hurt you.

~Gasp! Whaaaat?? You mean I might have been wrong? You mean I might have learned, grown, and finally seen the view from another’s eyes??  As shocking as this may be to some, I actually do this quite often. I love learning, having my eyes opened, and growing in life. What is shocking is that it took me ten years to notice it this time.

Sooo, why am I actually saying I am sorry to someone ten years later, instead of just letting it go, and forgetting about it? Someone who I have not seen, or heard from in ten-years, and have no idea if I would actually ever cross her path again? Because sometimes just letting it go will never close the wound. Sometimes we gotta do what is best for the one we hurt, and let them know we are sorry. 

Today is the start of my weekend. I usually like to just relax, sip my coffee, sort pictures from my last week’s journeys, and not have to do anything of real importance. Today, however, as soon as I began sipping my first cuppa coffee, I started putting my thoughts into words. I do not write as much anymore, although I really find writing my thoughts can be quite therapeutic. I seem to rather work on creative projects, be in the sun, and just let my mind wander without forming actual sensible thoughts. Today, I knew I needed to spend a couple hours finalizing what I felt for the past few weeks.

Ten years ago, was 2005. I was just beginning to learn who I truly was. I was learning to once again learn how to live naked, learn how to accept who I am, and allow some freedoms to be explored. My life was turned upside down, I was in turmoil with my employment, finances, and relationships. Nothing was stable, nothing was balanced. Everything was new, and I was struggling to find who I really was. I was not in a stable home-environment, and had no true place to call my home. I was offered a place to live by Betty. I will not go into the details of the living arrangement, nor details of other issues I was struggling with.

But Betty opened up her home, and provided me with an opportunity that at the time actually was a blessing.  For the most part, everything in the home was great. Some of my own insecurities became the issues, when she already knew who she was, and what her comfort-levels were. I took some of her comforts and how she openly said her views toward me personally, and hurtful. It has taken me 10-years to actually see how she was the one who had the freedom, expressed that freedom, and welcomed me to also accept that freedom. She accepted me for who I was, even though I had not yet figured all that out.  Her freedoms and expressions actually scared me. I tried to express my fear, but it never quite came out the right way. Mostly because I still had not figured-out who I really was.

What I find interesting is that there were four of us who lived in the same house. For the most part, it was totally safe, totally comfortable, and I should have realized how wonderful it was. But like I said, It was not you. It was me.

When I left, and how I left was wrong. I hurt a lot of people in the way I left. I have addressed many of those hurts through the years. Most I noticed right away. But this one took me ten-years to understand. For ten-years I carried the burden of what I thought was how I was the one who hurt. When it hit me last month, and I really started searching what I felt, believed, and understood, IT HIT ME HARD!

This past month, weeks, and days This has been totally in my heart, mind, and soul. It hurts. But somehow in a good way. Healing, learning, understanding is not always pleasant. But once I find why I was searching, feeling, and having it on my heart, and consuming my soul, The letting it be felt, and getting it out there is a freedom that is unmatched by anything else. It would be sooo much easier sometimes to just pretend it does not exist. But in my quest to be free, I must grab hold of the chains I have bound myself and others with, and learn to break to those chains, and let the other know I am releasing the chains.  It is not easy to actually notice sometimes the chains we are bound with are created by our own doing. And at the same time, we cast chains upon another that we never noticed, until we finally feel the weight holding us down when we try to fly free.

It is not so much that I am on a quest suddenly to be free, and have peace. This is something that has been a process since I finally realized in 2004 that I had put myself into a prison of chains for the previous 24 years. (I go into great detail about that imprisonment from the age of 12 thru the age of 36 in previous blogs, so will not go into those depths here.) But Once I realized Freedom and Peace are THE BEST places to be in life, I have sought every step of the journey to see how I could work more toward those destinations. I know all too well that these are not instant, nor immediate. I know it is a journey. Slowly, steadily, one step at a time. 

My All-time Favorite Keychain is this one:

Cara sent it to me right after I left Betty’s house in 2005. It has lost some of its sparkle, gems, and flair over the years, but it still holds the same meaning. It is on my keyring every day, everywhere I go. It is nestled right next to my pennies that contain: an Angel, a Cross, and a Smiley. It is true. The journey IS our daily life. Each step we take is going to take us one direction or another. In 2004, I discovered I needed to find that freedom. In 2005, I took a giant step that simultaneously launched me into a “New” freedom path, and at the same time launched me into a spiraling imprisonment. During that giant step, it was for the good and the bad simultaneously.

I learned from that almost instantly. I learned that to find freedom, it is not always good to take sudden drastic steps in another direction. I learned that those steps have consequences, set-backs, and create more-difficult chains to break. BUT I also learned that Letting go of things that are not healthy is a very positive step. Now I just needed to learn a balance, and to learn to let them go in a less-harsh manner.  In 2005, I was scared to admit some (Most!) of my feelings, beliefs, and thoughts. I felt it was best to just run from them.

In My Running, I learned more than I ever hoped I would. In the next ten years after that running, I have learned how to moderate the changes in a more-positive way. I have realized why I am on This Earth, why I am not yet allowed to die, and why I need to keep searching, learning, and moving one-step at a time. I have learned how to be more spiritually connected to the Universe, how to understand what is harmful, and what is helpful. I have learned how to accept others, the same as I would like them to accept me. I still have plenty to learn, and am by no means there yet. It is a Journey … One of which I am still meant to keep exploring, living, and understanding.

Betty, I know you probably do not fully understand everything I am saying, because I probably never told you, or made it very clear that I felt you hurt me. But I want to make sure You know I now know you never hurt me in any way. I hurt myself. I hurt you. I am Sorry. If and when our paths cross, I will happily give you a big Hug. (until a few months ago, I likely would have avoided you.) I am sorry.

I cannot change anything from the past, nor am I attempting to. I Can however admit that I was wrong, And let you know. 

Some people may wonder why I am publishing an appology in My Blog, instead of just privately sending it to Betty? Because in my quest to be free, I also have found that sharing my thoughts with others helps more than just me, or in this case more than just Betty. I make mistakes. I learn from my mistakes. I help others. If One person on this Earth sees this, and is inspired by it to make their world a happier place, then my effort is more than doubled. Also, I publish it to show I am not ashamed, or with to hide who I am. I publish it so those who wish to know me better can learn about me and my journey at their comfort-level. In all reality, I know I have hurt many along my journey in life. I want everyone to know I seek to make those hurts better, and am not proud of them.

Now, enough of this Mushy-stuff! Let's get back to the Silly, goofy stuff! :)

OK, OK, so I started the blog with "I might finally be growing up" ... Let's not get too drastic. I will still always embrace the kid-at-heart approach in life. Remember, I also said "Nothing drastic" ...

Boiling Blood

Boiling Blood

It’s amazing how you can manage to find the strength to continue in life day after day, usually finding the positive, safe, and happy places to be. But also amazing is how one single event can send you into a complete and total tail-spin.

When an event arises that actually does send your world into an upside-down, complete-wreck of anything that resembles normal daily living, and actually gets your blood boiling so much that you cannot even stop to gather your thoughts, and struggle to find something, anything positive to grasp for a life-preserver, It takes a while to get a clear grasp and be able to function properly.

(Yeah, I know… that above “sentence” is an absolute wreck of a run-on, and grammatically-correct sentence-structure.) It is VERY Fitting of where my mind is right now.

Often, it seems that it is only one event, or situation that starts this tail-spin cycle. But once you get a chance to look back on it, it is clear that it is in fact many events, and you need to address them one at a time. When life is in a tail-spin, being able to spot one single item seems impossible. The spiral, and destruction seem to be overwhelming to the point that it would seem easier to just give-up.  

The past couple of weeks has been a train-wreck in my mind, soul, and view on life. My blood is boiling, and I am pissed at so many different things right now. I absolutely hate when I feel this way. I often am passionate about many things, and will vent, or even voice, write, or discuss some very strong opinions about those things. People who are familiar with me know that if I am able to clearly state what I feel about any given subject , know that I am actually ok. I may be a little aggravated, or even a tad upset, but that is a good thing, because I am able to address whatever the topic at hand happens to be. I may not always understand WHY something is the way it is, but IF I am able to voice it, write, it, or discuss it, then I am functioning in a positive way.

Often, “Hot-topic” items come up, and it is not a huge deal. The topic, or situation comes up, and is handled. IF it is one or two topics, situations, or people, they are usually easily addressed. Some of my daily struggles are often what I consider to be “little” things, because I have had so many, and they become a regular thing to have to address. To anyone else, they are amazed at how much I tackle on a daily basis, and say they could not handle, or even imagine facing life if they had to go through even a portion of those difficulties I face daily. Most people say how they are amazed at how I manage to find positive in what they would consider absolute-devastation. Usually, when another person is going through anything difficult, I am able to be there, help them, and even take-away much of their troubles, because I have been through it all so many times. What is new and never-before happened to others is often old and familiar to me.

Hurt, pain, suffering, abuse, death, theft, betrayal, rejection, bullying, sexual-wrong-doing, attempted murder, and many more that I have experienced, survived, and somehow found ways to cope with have made me who and what I am. Most of these I have experienced at levels that horrify those who get to know me. Not many get to know me well-enough to even begin to get an idea of what makes me tick. As a survival mechanism, I have built many many walls around myself. These walls can be compared to a self-imposed-prison. These walls are there to keep as much of the attacks on my well-being out as possible. Unfortunately, these walls also keep out what would be good for me too. Not many wish to come inside these walls and visit.

At the same time, where most do not wish to even peek inside of these walls, the very things in life which have forced these walls to be built, are also the same things that help those who do enter my life to find ways to survive when these things happen to them. Often, I find that the reasons I was forced to go through such horrifying experiences is so I can save the life of another when they are facing similar situations.

When it comes to someone in my life I care about, there is not a road I won’t go down to help them out. I have been down every road myself, usually alone. So when someone else is facing that same road, I will do whatever it takes to make sure they do not have to face those horrifying steps alone.

I have learned to fight in order to survive. I always avoid any kind of fight if at all possible. I hate everything that has to do with any kind of fight. Whether verbal, physical, mental, financial, or any other fight someone might think-up. I detest fighting, and will avoid it. Unfortunately when I, or someone I care about is pushed too far, I fight. I fight for what is right always. I fight for survival always. All my life, I have been forced to fight, and I detest it with ever fiber of my body, mind, spirit, and soul.

There are people in this world who thrive on doing wrong to others. I cannot tolerate anyone willingly doing wrong to any other living creature. There is absolutely no excuse for it. Those who choose to harm another will get my blood boiling faster than any other thing on this planet. Harming another by their own choosing is the utmost selfish behavior, and there is no excuse for it. I fully admit, that I have hurt others, and would never pretend I haven’t. When I have, the harm it does to myself is destructive to the point that I make an effort to NEVER do that again. Unfortunately, many humans seem to thrive, and enjoy harming others. The list of ways in which others choose to harm another is endless, and it would take me hours just to list a portion of it.

The three topics on that list which get my blood boiling faster than any other would be: Any Sexual-wrong-doing, Any Racism, and Any Physical violence. (not necessarily in that order) Right now, my blood is boiling about all three. I am mad enough that I cannot sort my thoughts on any one of these well enough to actually put into words what I am feeling. This blog came about because I am so extremely pissed right now that I was searching for anything I could actually find clear thoughts on, and put into words. Even if I cannot immediately address the key issues, I know how much I need to express my thoughts on some of the perimeters of these areas.

For reasons I cannot understand, people do these things daily to others, without seemingly any justice being served. I know justice is not always immediate, and often we do not see how it actually takes place. I know that in the end, everybody always gets the justice they deserve. Sometimes, it takes a lifetime before they are judged. Often those who have been wronged wish to take matters into their own hands. I saw a movie once that showed this very well. That movie was “Sudden Impact” Starring Clint Eastwood. If you wish to know about it you can look it up. While murder is not something I am willing to commit, I like the idea of shooting off the parts that caused the offense. There are Two reasons I have never done this to anybody: First, is because going to jail is not something on my list of things to Ever do in life. And Second, I Will Never willingly harm another if I have a choice. But the thoughts of taking action is very entertaining, and often therapeutic. I would castrate anybody who committed any sexual wrong-doing. I would remove the portion of the mind that sees color of anyone who committed any Racism. I would remove the hands of anyone who ever Struck another. I am fully aware that these totally contradict my views on harming another. That goes to show how much these get my blood boiling. I do not claim that my thinking on these is at all good. This shows how strongly I disapprove of these behaviors. I do not even for a second believe I would be right in doing so. I DO KNOW that I never have, and likely never will actually do any of these things. I have all my life had to deal with these same situations, and Every single time the opportunity comes up, The person is fully aware of my intentions, and often believes I am actually going to follow-through with these actions. That alone is enough. For them to see that I will not stoop to the same level as they have, and for them to know I could have, and was capable is enough.

My wish for this world is that one day all humans will be wiped-out, and let nature regain this planet called Earth. There is way too much wrong-doing happening, and it is only getting worse. I would not complain if we all were suddenly done with life.

As I sort through all that I am attempting to deal with right now, I hope I can just be allowed to go about my life peacefully, and get back to that happy place. Peacefully does not mean alone. It means no fighting, no violence, no harming another in any way. It means caring, sharing, and enjoying all that is good around us. It means finding something positive to focus on when all else seems negative. Peacefully means not treating another person differently because their skin color is different than yours. Peacefully means treating others the way you would want to be treated. It means helping another when they need help. It means accepting help when it is offered. It means playing nice, not bullying, or even forcing yourself on another. It means allowing someone a little personal space. It means respect and Love.

One day, I hope to be able to sort through all this, and actually put what is troubling me into words. Mostly for my own ability to be able to know I can survive, and rise above the troubles. If putting my thoughts into words helps even one  person in life, then it has more than doubled the reason I exist.