The Fist-Bump vs The Hand-Shake:
(or: WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME??)
This thing that is so popular in Vegas called the fist-bump drives me absolutely nuts! Before moving to Vegas I had not had the “privilege” of being in an environment where they utilize the “Fist-Bump”. This is a totally new thing to me. Perhaps you are familiar with it, Or you are like me, and asking “What Is The Fist-Bump?” Well, when a man sees another man he knows (or has seen once before), he makes a fist, and holds it out at chest-height, and the other man is expected to do the same. Then they bring their fists toward the other one, and “bump” knuckles. Sometimes it is done at waist-height, but mostly at chest-height. It is done, not in a rough manner, but very gently, almost tenderly. It baffles me, and I find it quite disturbing, even creepy.
My Very first day at my job, I was taken up to The Pizzeria after orientation, and introduced to the cook who would be the one I started my training with. When the manager told him my name, I stuck my hand out to shake his hand, and meet him. He held his fist out toward me, and looked puzzled as to what I was doing with my hand. He kept his fist held there, and said “fist-bump”. I had no clue what he was attempting, and wondered why he would not shake my hand. He never offered his hand, nor his name. After a moment, he lowered his hand, and just stared at me. The manager could see where this was going (nowhere) so she then took me to see the schedule, and complete my orientation tour.
The next day when I reported for my first day at The Pizzeria, every man I was introduced to, also attempted this fist-bump. Not one would shake my hand when I was introduced. They all looked at me like I was some sort of freak because I did not understand what to do with their special, secret-club-fist-bump. Every woman I was introduced to gladly shook my hand.
As the days and weeks went on, I was getting more and more creeped-out by these guys. EVERY Single time any of them sees you, they want to fist-bump. There are thousands of employees in my work. Every man in the place wants to fist-bump every other man they see. They want to fist-bump every time they see you, even if they just saw you five minutes ago. What is up with all these men who barely know me always wanting to touch me? It does not matter if your hands are full, or theirs are. It does not matter if you are busy, or if you are trying to handle food. It does not matter if you are unloading hot-molten pizza from the oven. They expect, and want to fist-bump! So, then ya gotta stop, and go wash your hands again to continue your job. But they do not see this as a problem. They want to stand right next to me, fist-bump me, and then just stand there… RIGHT NEXT TO ME. They do this to every male they can. Creeeepy!
I finally got to a point that I could not stand it anymore, and started asking everyone why this was so important to them. I asked the meaning of it. I asked why they felt the need to constantly touch me, and stand literally in my space. Not a single person could answer these questions. One person (a woman) suggested that “perhaps you are not cool enough for the fist-bump.” (To which I replied, “Good! If that is cool, I’m fine not being cool!”) To me, “cool” is not copying what everyone else is doing. Several of the guys’ immediate response to my inquiry was, “It’s NOT GAY if THAT is what you are thinking!” (Well, the fact that I had indeed thought it to be a gay thing, and they are so quick to defend their wanting to touch and be really close to other men, would only help convince me it truly is a gay thing.) I never see another man do a fist-bump to a woman. They only do it to another man. I really would not care if it was a gay thing, as long as they admit the truth, and don’t force themselves on me. Finally, one person suggested it was “like a hand-shake”. Ha, Hardly! I told them it was nothing like a hand-shake, because a hand-shake shows respect, and is done once when you meet someone, and on occasion when you have not seen them in a while. A handshake is never done every single time you see someone. Once you meet someone and shake their hand, you do not go up and shake the hand of someone you hardly know every time you see him. A hand-shake does not have anything tender, and soft about it. The fist-bump is all about touching another man gently, and softly, and tenderly every time you see him. I find that creepy. So, I continued asking, and explaining the difference. Every single person I asked thought I was some sort of freak for even thinking about it. They all deny that the reason they do it is to touch another man, yet none of them can come up with a valid reason for it. They claim they are not touching another man. So, I ask them exactly what they are doing, and they look like I just asked them to recite the entire periodic table.
My work is not the only place I see this. I see it all over Vegas. The tourists Never do this. The residents do it. I see every male that sees another male he knows do this. I have seen it in places I frequent, and on the busses. People who recognize me around town try to do this every time they see me. Even the bus drivers want to do this to me. They look at me funny when I do not readily want to be touched by them. I question their need to want to touch another man, and they do not understand the question. (Fortunately the people in my apartment complex act like they are scared of me, so none of them attempt to fist-bump me when I am coming or going.) They all do it to one another, but not me. That is Good! But everywhere else I see familiar men, they always want to do this. What is wrong with them? Why can’t they greet me, give a smile, and maybe ask “How are you?” Why can’t they actually show a genuine interest in another human? Why are they so intent on touching others? Has nobody ever taught these people about personal boundaries, or inappropriate touching?
Trying to talk to people about it is has proven pointless. The people who wish to do this really are only focused on what they want, and anything else falls on deaf ears. They Really want to Touch Me, and it bothers me a lot! I have never been fond of people I am not friends with touching me in any way. Only people I trust will I willingly allow to touch me. Others have no valid reason to invade my space. Why would anyone want others constantly touching them? About the best defense I can have is to just keep moving (it’s hard to hit a moving target!), and pretend I did not see their attempt to fist-bump. If they can ignore conventional greetings, I can ignore their attempt to force themselves inappropriately on me. I can smile, look them in the eye, and say “Hi”, and keep moving. Maybe, possibly, they might one day return the smile, or look me in the eye, or even say a friendly greeting. Maybe one day they will find a bit of genuineness can actually feel wonderful.
On September 11th, I realized why it bothers me so much. September 11th, hundreds of firefighters gathered at The Stratosphere for a commemorative stair-climb to honor the firemen who died ten years before in the New York World Trade Centers. This event was really positive, and uplifting. It had fire fighters show up from all around the Vegas Metro area. Not only were there firefighters, but also their families, too. Many of these people have been in each others’ lives for many years, having been through good times and bad. They have supported each other through every possible thing one could imagine. Many had never before met, and many were re-united after long absences. Some were new to the gathering. Many worked together on a daily basis. Many only saw one another in quick passing while on the job. This day, they could relax, and chat a bit. They greeted each other with smiles, made eye contact, and eagerly shook one-another’s hands. They asked “How are you?” and “How have you been?” For the new ones, They said, “Nice to meet you.”
What did I see with the fire fighters? I saw Real People, who actually cared about the person they were greeting. I saw people who understood the formality and genuineness of The Handshake. I saw people who understand what a greeting should be, and when to do it. Once they greeted each other with the hand-shake, they did not shake hands again in five minutes when they saw one another again. Not a single person in that gathering fist-bumped. There was no shallowness in their greetings.
I realized from the firefighters what I actually had known, but did not allow myself to put into a real thought. The Fist-Bump stands for exactly the opposite of what The Hand-Shake does. The hand-Shake is about respect. The Hand-shake can seal a deal. The Hand-shake can show care, concern, and a real genuineness between two humans. The Fist-Bump is a shallow attempt to pretend closeness, and somehow act like there is a connection between people who have absolutely no genuineness between them. The fist-bump is not about respect. The fist-bump is about forcing yourself on someone. Those who fist-bump do not look each other in the eye. They do not ask “how are you?” It IS seemingly a “club-membership”. It IS seemingly a mutual “coolness” for those who need to feel cool by being exactly like the others. It is a connection to those they can never connect with. It represents the opposite of The Hand-Shake. That is Why is bothers me so much. That is what The fist-bump represents with the people I see using it.
Here is a photo of me meeting Roger Daly, Owner and Founder of Omnitrition, a multi-million-dollar vitamin, and health-supplements company. He is a multi-millionaire, and one the most respected people I ever worked for. He has respect, and gives respect. He taught me how to make a lot of money. He was very happy to meet me, AND SHAKE MY HAND. Could you imagine if he went around Fist-Bumping? He would not have had much respect, nor be very successful. He made his millions by shaking the hand of every single person he ever met. He looked them in the eye, and asked them “How are you?”
As you look through our world’s rich history, could you imagine what would have happened if people refused the hand-shake, and instead tried to fist-bump?
Imagine this scene. The famous Golden Spike Handshake. May 10, 1869, the completion of The Transcontinental Railroad in Utah.
There are so many historical events that are accompanied by the hand-shake. (I could list them for hours, and show hundreds of pictures... you are welcome to look them up for yourself.) It represents trust, honor, respect, unity, and peace.
A hand-shake is offered when thanking someone for providing a service. In that hand-shake, there is often a folded amount of money offered as a tip. Could you imagine offering a fist-bump to someone who had just done a service for you? That would offer quite an insult to the service provider, and could not offer such a gratuity. You can bet if the service provider got a fist-bump, that person would be less than eager to provide good service to others. You want good service, give a hand shake, and ensure you get it, and that others behind you also get good service. A little respect goes a long way.
A hand-shake is offered as a sign of making peace after having fought. Can you imagine approaching someone in which you wish to have peace with a raised fist? I guarantee you will not invoke peace. You will invoke further animosity and fighting.
Perhaps the fist-bump has different meaning in other places. Fortunately, I have not been in those circles previously. I have been all over The United States. I have seen many cultures I did not understand. But none has been so prevalent, or disturbing. Usually these sorts of things are localized to specific parts of a city, or certain little groups, gangs, or clubs. I have often encountered people who wish to utilize some sort of “cool hand-shake”, but they never want to force it on someone who is not part of their little group. Those people would still give a real hand-shake to anyone not in their little circle. But in Vegas, this seems to be throughout the entire city. There are exceptions, of course. The fire fighters showed me that they are from every part of this city, and the surrounding areas. So, that shows me that perhaps I need to find a different group of people to be around. Now that I have figured out what it means, and why it bothers me so much, I just have to figure out how to make it work for me while I am here.
I am always seeking new information, and want to learn about my environment. I was sure the fist-bump did not ONLY exist in Vegas, and since Nobody in Vegas could give a reason for why they do it, or what it means, I started to scour the web to see where else it exists. I find thousands of photos just from the tag “fist bump”. The most common ones are seemingly to show victory, or a challenge met, in some form or another. For reasons I cannot understand, President Obama is pictured doing this. Is He really that disrespectful? Do people not expect him to show respect, like any other important elected official? Does our President support violence? Is this why so many foreign countries do not have any respect for Him? Sporting events seem to have it numerous times. It would seem that the fist-bump in these instances would be a replacement for the “High-Five”. All of these seemingly show a positive, mutual desire to share the joy of some victory. In each of these, I also notice the people make eye-contact, and are smiling with a quite-pleased –with-their-success look on their faces. These people All have the same look of a common connection, and mutual trust, understanding, and respect.
The thing that does not jive with me, is people are making a fist. A sign of anger, or violence, and raising it as to hit someone, then gently, tenderly touching. How is this a good thing in any way? Yes, I see the pictures, and the looks on their faces. The fist is totally inappropriate for something that would be joyous, and non-threatening. When did the clenched fist in a raised position suddenly become non-violent? Fortunately, I was not first-approached on the street in this manner. Fortunately, I saw it first in a supposedly safe environment of my work. I am not so sure I would have taken lightly to someone on the street acting as if they wanted to hit me. Along with the hundreds of Obama, and sports-team members doing this I see thousands of babies where people are creating a fist-bump with their baby. If a baby reaches out to someone, and is fist-bumped instead of having that person hold the hand, and show it love, what will it teach the baby? It teaches the baby to make a fist, and hit someone. An open hand would welcome that baby’s hand, instead of teaching that baby to hit, and withdraw. An open-hand is a welcome gesture. A Fist is the opposite.
Wikipedia suggests the fist-bump started in boxing and other fighting, where the gloved, or wrapped hands made a hand shake improbable. It also suggests it got strong roots in sports, and in the ghettos. This is no surprise. I have not found any reason for its popularity, and seeming replacing of the hand-shake.
The fist is a sign of violence, anger, challenge, or fight. This does make sense. Sports, and ghettos are all about the fighting, the anger, the challenge, and mutual hatred, always having to out-do another to make yourself look good. I can understand why opponents would welcome the fist-bump. I cannot understand why those on the same team would want to show a sign of anger, or violence toward a team-mate… especially after they have just won a challenge. Shouldn’t they want to show support, joy, trust, and respect? I have never understood the mentality of those who thrive on sports, and this showing of aggression toward their own teammates just helps to baffle me further. And I know President Obama is really into sports. Could it be that he is wishing to run America as if he were on a sports-team, and looking at everything he does as “facing the opposing team”?
I have been asking everyone who does this why they like it. Most do not know, and have never given it a thought. It has been suggested by many who do this that "It is all over The TV, and it looks cool", or "They did it a ton in the movie Wild Hogs." Well, those examples both help justify my distaste for it. If someone is copying something they see on TV, just to look cool, and without understanding, or even knowing WHAT it is, that shows they are just wanting to look, and act like someone they are not. (There are many reasons I do not watch TV... this just helps show another reason.) And the guys doing it in the movie Wild Hogs... That movie was created as a humorous look at how some people want to pretend to be something they are not. That movie is a perfect lesson in how not to behave... but it seems some interpret it in just the opposite way, and missed the whole moral of the story.
These roots and reasons for it also help to justify my dislike, and not accepting of the fist-bump. There is nothing I find acceptable about fighting, or challenging another. There is nothing acceptable about acting like something you are not, or acting like you support violence.
I strive to keep my world violence-free. I had to fight for my survival way too much in life. I abhor anything that represents violence toward another. It really bothers me that so many people want to encourage violence, and promote symbols for violence. Just because everyone else thinks violence is cool, does not mean I have to accept it, and be part of it. I have to live among it, but I do not have to be part of it.
When I meet you, I will not raise my fist toward you. I will offer my hand. If you raise your fist toward me, it shows you have no respect even for yourself, let alone another. It shows you are looking for a challenge. I will not play along with your game. If I know you, and do not trust you, I will simply greet you, but will not touch you in any way. I expect the same in return. If we trust one another, we will shake hands. If we have missed one another, there likely will be a hug, too!
If you happen to find good in the fist-bump, I would love to hear a valid reason for it. If you see the raised fist as a good thing, please tell me why. If you see anything about this gesture as a good thing, please explain, and help those of us who do not understand this. If you have no explanation for it, perhaps that is the key. Ask yourself why you do something in which you do not understand. If you do it just to copy others, ask yourself why you would want to copy another, instead of being true to who you are. If you find joy in touching another man, please tell us why. If it is not a gay thing, then help us understand what it really is. If it is a gay thing, just be honest. Honesty goes a lot further than deceit. I will have more respect for you, if you admit your motives, rather than attempt to touch me in a creepy way. I still won't let you touch me, but I will respect you for your honesty. Help those of us who do not understand why you would want to raise a fist toward someone, then touch them gently, tenderly, softly, and repeatedly. If you want to touch someone, make sure the feeling is mutual, and do it in a manner which is not about violence, or to be creepy.
Meanwhile, if you are not a close friend, STOP TOUCHING ME! It’s bad enough that you come across as creepy, and do not even know a reason for your own behavior, but then you really want to be sure I cannot trust you? Come on! I gotta work with you, wouldn’t you want to build trust, instead of making me always wonder about your motives? Keep a respectable distance, and save the intimacy for your buddies who enjoy that sort of thing.
Here is a T-shirt i think I should wear....
Have a Wonderrful Day... In Your own personal space, not in mine. ~=:-)
