Let's Talk About Death

Let’s Talk about Death and Dying

I know most people pretend to be shocked, scared, afraid, and even horrified of the topic.

WHY?

From the moment we are born, we begin to learn, understand, and grasp our world. Every day we are experiencing so many things that prepare us for our future. That future is wild and varied. There are millions of things that can happen, and each decision we make affects what those future events will be. Many things are predictable, even to be expected. Some things catch us by surprise. As we grow daily, we should be gaining understanding, even learning how to feel about these things.

There are many things we should never be shocked, surprised, or going through life not expecting to happen. Death is one of those.

But so many people seem shocked, act like it was not expected, or like they never thought it would affect them.

People act like Death is horrible, or that people should not have died, or that they died too soon.

Two things are certain in this Universe: Death Will Happen. Nobody can die before it is their time.

You are welcome to disagree with these. That is your choice. If you do, however, you are creating the problems I mentioned above (shock, disbelief, confusion, surprise, even worry).

Sure, Death can be very upsetting, causing voids, grief, emptiness, sadness … Those can only be addressed once we each experience death around us. These are things we can learn some from watching others affected, and gain understanding, possibly even gain some sort of expectation how it could affect us when that time comes that the death is close, or personal, to ourselves.

Death really is the one area that people behave horribly when it comes close to them.

I do not pretend to be some sort of all-knowing guru. I DO choose to pay attention, and prepare myself for the things that I know will affect me. WHY DO I CHOOSE to pay attention in great detail to DEATH?? Because I FEEL IT. EVERY PERSON I HAVE EVER KNOWN who has died, I HAVE KNOWN BEFORE ANYONE CONTACTED ME, or Before I saw it in the news.

By Learning about Death, By Choosing to Understand Death, By Choosing to Accept Death as something that WILL affect Me, I can be prepared for Death when it happens. I CHOOSE To Learn, Because I KNOW it Will Affect me. How it affects me is easier if I know it will happen.

Being aware, educated, understanding of Death is no different than anything else in life we prepare for. It should not matter what the life-lesson is, If We Know it will happen, we should teach ourselves to be better prepared for it. Learning about death should be no different than anything else you prepare for. But it is. Most people ignore Death, even go through life pretending it is not there. They are afraid of it, which also causes them to freak-out when it does happen.

Imagine if everyone eagerly learned about Death like we do everything else we all prepare for?
When we learn to walk, we also learn to fall. We learn We WILL Fall, so we learn all about falling, what hurts less, and how to possibly gain more balance, hopefully learning to fall less-often and we learn more about it. When we learn to swim, we know the water hurts when we accidentally breathe it in. We know that ultimately we want to learn how to NOT choke, how to not be hurt by the water. We learn how the water can harm us, so that we can learn to be comfortable, calm, and actually find comfort and peace in something that could be harmful. When we learn to eat, we know we will choke if we are not paying attention. We learn how some foods affect us differently after we’ve eaten them. We learn how to fuel our minds and bodies with the different foods, instead of how to continue harming ourselves, or pretending to be shocked when we eat certain foods. When we learn to drive, We KNOW we will get in a wreck and get hurt, so we teach ourselves to be prepared for it. We know a vehicle could lose control, so we learn how to skid, steer, and maneuver during those situations so we can hopefully avoid the wreck, or at least minimize the impact. We know a car will skid on ice, so we purposefully go out to a safe place in the ice and practice skidding so we know how it will behave, and how to regain control. We do not just go barreling down an icy road and expect we will not lose control. We learn about Fire, because We KNOW Fire Will affect us at some point, and we want to learn all about it so we are prepared when it does affect us. We learn how a fire starts, how it spreads, and how to control it if we want the fire (camp fire, fireplace, candle, tiki torch, etc), and how to extinguish it if we do not want it. We learn about electricity because we KNOW it will Hurt us if we are not careful with it. We learn to use electricity wisely and cautiously because we know how much it hurts when we get careless with it.

So, Why on Earth do so many people pretend Death is not something we should learn about? Why do so many people pretend it is scary, unexpected, or even shocking when it happens?

Why do people pretend Death is horrible? Why do So many people pretend Death of a certain age, gender, ethnicity, nationality, religion, etc it more horrible? EVERY SOUL in this Universe is EQUAL. The media is ridiculous about this. No matter what Death is being reported, they always focus on how many children, or how many women, or how many of this religion, or how many of that country, or how many were military, or how many were police officers, or how many were parents, or how many were (pick a category, title, status, education level, job-type, country, gender …) It is completely ridiculous, and only helps to fuel the shock, fear, and confusion. Death is Death. Each Soul, whether Human, Animal, Insect, Alien … Death is Equal. No Death is a “Greater Loss”.

I Know Most people will not understand my views. I do not expect them to. BUT I DO Expect that when Death occurs (and it WILL), that others not Cause more harm by their own lack of understanding, or lack of expectation.

What does that mean? It means that when Death happens, Let Each person Feel, process, sort, and go through it as it is best for them. It means Do not Force Your feelings, or Desires, on another.

There is not a soul in our Universe that can tell another how they should or should not feel once death affects them. Nor is there a certain way any one person will, or will not feel. There is no right or wrong in how we feel or are affected. Each Person Can and Should be allowed to tell others what is harmful to that individual during the process.  Nobody should ever attempt to hijack another’s emotions and demand anything from that individual during the process. But if someone goes through life pretending they were not expecting death, that is their own creation in failing to accept what they have seen from birth and should be prepared for. Often, though, many people get extremely selfish and forget to think how their desires will affect another. When Death affects someone, I choose to see what that person’s needs are, never approaching them with what I want. If they are silent, that is their choice. If they choose to be alone, that is their choice. If they choose to join online discussions about it, that is their choice. If they choose to remain offline, that is their choice. But so many think they should not be allowed to make those choices, and force their desires upon them … especially in today’s instant-online-world.

I WILL NEVER Be SHOCKED by DEATH. But that DOES NOT mean I do not FEEL it. I FEEL it on a Spiritual level, not an Earthly level. What does that mean? Well, I cannot in a few sentences explain Spirituality, But it means I am connected in feeling with the Universe. It is in MY SOUL, not in my mind. I connect with living beings spiritually. I feel spiritually. I interact spiritually. My Heart, Soul, and Mind are Spiritual, not physical. Our Lives on this Earth are a Spiritual Journey in a physical world. Most people go through life in a physical journey seeking spirituality. I came into this Earth as a Spiritual Being, forced to attempt to understand the Physical world. Ever wonder why I love nature? Nature operates in unison with the Spiritual world. So much of the physical world is in direct conflict with the Spiritual World. This is why so many people freak out when Death occurs. They seek Physical understanding, instead of Spiritual. I cannot understand this.

It should be no surprise to anyone that knows me that I AM a Spiritual Being. It should also be no surprise to anyone why I got upset when so many tagged me in the horrible even that Happened in Las Vegas on Oct 1^st.

I deleted my FaceBook because of how Awful so many were behaving, and Forcing their desires upon me.
Want to know how to behave when something horrific like that happens? Simple: Pretend we are still in 1970. Pretend there is no FaceBook. BE PATIENT. Yes, Really. YOU DO NOT NEED to KNOW INSTANTLY. YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING whether someone was or was not at the incident. YOU DO NOT NEED to Know Instantly if someone is Hurt, or even Dead. Want to Know how to know if Someone is affected?? Tune in Spiritually into our Universe. You WILL KNOW. Blowing-up someone’s phone, or online-place is Totally not Acceptable. That is totally ONLY to Satisfy Your own selfish need to feel you somehow have control, or could do anything about what happens.  NOTHING YOU DO in blowing up someone’s phone, or tagging them online helps ANYONE but Your own selfishness. No Matter IF they Were or were not affected, What could you possibly do to change that?? Nothing. TRUST The Universe. TUNE in to your own Spirituality. WORRY NEVER HELPS. NEVER. Name me one situation where WORRY had any sort of positive outcome? You DO NOT NEED to KNOW INSTANTLY. YOU WILL KNOW when the time is right.

This Trust in The Universe I mention? That is Spirituality. It is Not Physical. May I suggest a VERY Simple way for you to begin a Spiritual Journey and Connection?? Unplug. Yes. Unplug. Get away from your phone, ipod, music, facebook. Go sit somewhere in nature. Experience Nature. Look up at the Stars. Watch them, understand them. Watch the Ocean. Not building sand castles, or Frisbee on the beach. Go sit someplace next to the ocean and connect with it. Walk into a Forest and FEEL what the Trees have to offer. Sit on a Mountain. Alone. Let YOUR Spirituality Speak, and connect. Not Tuning in to what another wants. You. The Universe. It will Blow Your Mind. Only Once You Connect with The Spiritual Universe will you understand why YOU NEVER NEED to Immediately KNOW about another.

Why did ALL of you online piss me off?? BECAUSE WHILE I was Attempting to take care of myself, feel what I needed to Feel, Sort What I needed to Sort, balance all that I was Feeling From ALL THE LIVES Affected, I was Forced to Stop and Satisfy YOUR Selfish needs. Imagine if YOU were the one so closely affected and instead of taking care of your own Spiritual and Mental well-being, suddenly You were forced to answer hundreds of people questions, all because They felt they needed to know instantly, or feel because something is trending online, they all needed to also join the trend.(here’s a Hint: FaceBook does NOT Exist to help You in your spiritual journey. FaceBook Exists to make money. EVERYTHING FaceBook does is to Generate money, gather information about you, and steer the user in whatever direction benefits FB most. In FB, We are The Product, NOT the Customer. If Facebook posts something about a disaster, the sole purpose is to get you to join-in. Nothing about that post is intended to help anyone. Ask yourself, Seriously: How does getting thousands of people to join a post, tag others, etc help anyone? It does not. Also think about this: IF someone wants to use FB to tell people they are safe in a situation, they would post on their own profile. Nobody will go searching for some random generic post to notify their loved ones they are ok. They will post in their own profile where if anyone was seeking information, they would logically go look.) It is No Secret that I always teach “You are free to do what you want in this Universe, as Long As it DOES NO HARM to yourself or Another.” Well, None of you posting and tagging stopped to consider how Much you were harming others. ALWAYS STOP. Consider. Be Patient. NOBODY NEEDS to KNOW Instantly.

Speaking of tuning-in Spiritually:
Sometimes it is Horrible. But That is Because You will Feel things in much more Magnitude than the ones who do not feel Spiritually. I was Born a Spiritual being. I have been forced to learn more about many things than most ever consider. Often it means I feel things before they happen. Then you just gotta bear that pain until it does. But once it does, you feel a sort-of-relief.

The event in Las Vegas on Oct 1^st was one of those.

I always knew that event-center would be the most horrific thing to ever happen in Vegas.

On the second day after I moved to Vegas, in 2011, I happened to go to The Mandalay Bay, and happened to walk that whole area. From the moment I got off the Bus at Mandalay Bay, I could not stand how it felt. It was an absolute Horrible Spiritual-unrest area. The Entire Mandalay Bay Property, The Luxor Property, The Property across the street (which at that time was a parking lot with broken lamp posts, weeds growing through the cracked asphalt, and run-down old carnival equipment, broken casino equipment, and abandoned Semi-trailers), and The Tropicana Property Was an Area I could not comfortable even walk through.  I still to this day never have researched what happened in that area long ago to cause it to be a Spiritual Unrest area. But I knew it was a Horrible spot. Years later they cleaned up that old parking lot, and made it The Mandalay Bay Event Center. When They Did, I told everyone I knew to NEVER go to an Event there, Because I could Feel it would Be The Worst Thing to Ever happen in Vegas. I could Feel It. I could not feel WHEN it would, only that it would. Every time anyone I knew told me they were attending an event there, I would warn them about what I felt. Without fail, every one of them would tell me after the event that they also could feel it while there, most would leave the event before it was done, because they felt like something awful was going to happen.

I have no idea how long now it has been the event center. But I do know that every time I saw an advertisement for it, I would cry out in pain.

As the week of this year’s Route 91 Music Festival approached, many people arrived at the airport where I work, excited to go to this event. They flew to Vegas only to attend this event. I tried to tell them this was a bad idea, and KNEW this Event Was the one that would be Horrific. But because I work for the airline and at the airport, I also am expected to present a false encouragement to these travelers, even when I know it will be harmful to them.

As the event weekend came, I saw many people posting online about music festivals, and outdoor events they were at. I carefully looked over the photos and videos they posted to be sure they were NOT at the Route 91 festival.  Fortunately none of my friends were at that festival. (turns out later, I found out a friend Was There, but I had not seen any  posts, nor had she mentioned it before going).

The night of Oct 1^st, Oddly I went to sleep very peacefully. I even had the window wide open, and no fan running. I live just over 2-miles from the event. I did not hear a sound as I fell asleep just before 9pm. I slept more solid and more peacefully than I usually do. I woke at 3:30 am and Immediately could feel something happened. The Universe Felt Silent. It was an Eerie calm. After I got my coffee, I realized it was the same feel the universe had on the morning of Sept 11^th 2001 when I woke. I Could Feel ALL The Horror. I knew immediately Nobody I knew was killed.  I knew Immediately why I slept so peacefully and did not hear a sound: The Universe made sure I detached from what I normally felt, otherwise being SO Close to me, It would have destroyed me. IF I was tuned-in like normal, I WOULD HAVE FELT EVERY PERSON being Shot, injured and killed.

Living just over 2-miles from where it happened was horrible to feel. But even worse, was When I went to work. The airport shares the property with the event place. I was arriving to THE SAME PLACE WHERE IT HAPPENED! I was less than a Mile, and Could FEEL it all WAAAy too Much!

When I arrived at work in the morning, It was The Hardest Thing ever to See all the people at the airport early, just wanting to “Leave this horrible place” … These were the same people I tried to convince upon arrival that they did not want to attend that event. They were freshly bandaged, some still had blood splatters on their clothes. They had only what they were wearing at the event. They left their suitcases and all their other worldly belongings behind. Many were leaving behind friends and family in the hospitals with uncertain futures. Once they were treated and released they only wanted to get out and go home.

Fortunately (and unfortunately at the same time) I was teaching that week. Fortunately, because it removed me from full-interaction face-to-face with all the affected travelers. That would have been unbearable for me to feel and continue. Also fortunately, because teaching Is an Amazing Distraction, focusing on growing, and the future. The Unfortunate side of being a teacher that week was that the class room is at the end of the building closer to the event. I could feel it much more in the classroom than at the check in counter area.

Later, I would learn that some of those leaving without their suitcases left them behind because The Mandalay Bay Hotel was on lockdown, and the travelers were not allowed to go get their belongings. Later, The Mandalay Bay released their belongings, and we would have to arrange to deliver them back home to the travelers. Some were flown home on Medivac flights, and the luggage could not be transported with them, so we also arranged to deliver their bags. That also was horrific to handle.

I took a much-needed vacation as soon as I was done with Teaching that week. Besides just needing a Vacation/ break, I also needed time to just sort/ process/ feel all that was part of that week.  As My vacation began, I Did feel an unusual strong urge to go walk by the place where it happened. I Already Know this is not how I normally feel, and normally need to stay far away because I would feel all the pain too much. But as my vacation went-on, The feel subsided. I did not purposely go down there. One day by chance I was in a friend’s car on the way to breakfast, and we drove past. Just driving past was difficult, but not overwhelming. It had been 12 days already, and they still had the entire event place cordoned off with crime scene tape, and officers on guard all around the property. None of the items set-up for the event had been touched. Banners, booths, food trailers, merchandise vendors, sound-systems, performer rv’s … Everything was exactly where it was when it all happened. The two windows on the 32^nd floor of The Mandalay Bay were boarded-up but painted a similar color of gold as the iconic gold-mirrored-glass that the windows are. Unless anyone already knew which windows were broken-out, they would hardly notice the boarded up ones. I happened to know, because I could see them broken and the curtains billowing out the morning after when I arrived at work. Yes my work is that close to all of this.

I decided as we drove past, I really did not need to go visit the site on foot.  4-days later, I just happened to be nearby on The Strip. (nearby a block away at Tropicana. I only intended to catch a bus to the Town Square for some shopping. Town Square is about 1-1/2 miles beyond The Mandalay Bay. The bus went right down The Strip. Stopped in front of Mandalay Bay. As soon as it stopped, it was unbearable. I knew right then, there was no way I could go visit the site in person. I realized it was so unbearable BEFORE this happened, No Way I will purposely go there now.  Even at the Town Square, it was really unbearable. I got back on the bus, and went to the South Outlets, where it was totally fine.

I learned sometime after the incident, about what concert-goers describe as “Some Crazy Lady disturbing the concert-goers with cries of ‘get out, you all will die’”.  Ha. That totally would have been me if I was down there! I find it sad how many now say things like “omigosh, obviously she was an accomplice” or “she obviously knew of the shooter’s plan”. Umm, No. That is exactly what being spiritually tuned-in is. Trusting your feelings, and not just dismissing them. It is said that security escorted her out, describing her as “A Crazy homeless person”. If only people would actually pay attention to those of us deemed as “Crazy”. We are deemed as “Crazy” because we are tuned-in, instead of choosing not to be like most of the people.  I have spoken to many of my friends who actually were planning to go, even had tickets, but they felt something was not right, so did not go. Most people sell tickets if they will not attend an event they purchase tickets for. But every one of my friends who did not go said the same thing: Did not feel right to sell the tickets that day. They are the ones listening to what the Universe is telling them.

I also heard from many of my friends who stated “I Knew you were not there, and Knew you were not physically harmed, nor dead.” To Those, I say THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU For tuning-in.
But beyond simply tuning-in, a little logic also would tell most that I never would have been there. Y’all already know that IF I was planning to attend something like a festival, I would post the shit outta that in advance with enthusiasm and excitement. Also, y’all already know there is no way I would go on a work night, and most likely would not go to a crowded concert with strobe lights. But One glance at any online site I participate in, and you would know for sure if I was there or not.  But like I mentioned above, People lose their mind when Death is mentioned. This is Why I Try and teach people to prepare for such things. If You are aware it can and will happen, You will approach it with understanding and logic, instead of hurtful actions.

Now, A bit more about how I feel about Death.

Kinda fitting, that the last thing I posted online before going to bed that night was a poem about Death. A friend had sent a cartoon drawing of a tombstone, with instructions to “Fill-it in, and send it back for him to reshare”. He had sent it the week prior, but I tend to wait until the time feel is right to do such things. That evening was when I felt it was right. I even knew what to fill in on my tombstone. A Poem Called “I'm not here”.  Here is a photo of what I sent: (The Orignal is pictured at the top of this blog, and also hangs in my home.)

How Do I feel about Death?

To me, Death means you have finished the race, crossed the finish line, and can finally stop the never-ending battle to exist on the physical side of Earth. It Means you have Finally escaped, Found total peace, and are finally free of the Earthly Burdens. Death is Certain. Every Living Thing Dies.  I have written many blogs previously  about my views on Death.

Some may think I am heartless, or uncaring when Death occurs because I do not behave irrationally like most do.  This would be the same as they react after seeing me in some other event. I have been in burning buildings, and take care of the situation as if it was no big deal. I have been attacked by gangs, and witnesses say how it looked like I was just not phased, or emotional at all. I have had guns and knives pulled on me. I take care of the problem, and move-on.  How I choose to behave when something happens is Always based on learning from previous experiences. I have been in situations where I lose it emotionally. Then I learn how to do it better the next time. Ask yourself this: Would you rather lose it emotionally and have the situation get the best of you, or would you rather study, learn, understand and keep your cool so that you can take care of the situation? People who go thru life pretending something is shocking and letting their emotions get the best of them are the ones who cause the most harm to themselves and others. I KNOW from past experiences how it feels. It hurts either way. But the hurt is much less when I stay calm, and stop whatever is happening than to freak out and get the worst of it. If I freaked out, not only did I have the pain of the event to deal with, but also the guilt of not taking care of it as I should have. Life is so much less painful when we learn, understand, and prepare for it.

I treat Death just like every other situation in life.

I WANT to Know about it, Understand it, and be Prepared for it.

No way I want to be scared to go through life. I want to thrive, and enjoy as much of it as possible. If I gotta exist in a physical world, I will make the most of it, and hopefully be happy while doing it. To go through life pretending something like death cannot happen, or be shocked when it does would be crippling.

I know most like to embrace phases like “Life is short, so … (fill-in the blank)” I disagree. Life is NOT Short. It is THE LONGEST thing we do on this Earth. Think about it. You complain that you had a long commute to work. You complain you had a long wait at the Dr’s office. You complain that the checkout line was long. You complain you had a Long walk to get somewhere. You complain that you had a long night, or a Long shift at work. You complain that your server took a long time to bring your food. You complain that you waited a long time for your Birthday, or Vacation, or to See someone, or to see a Movie, Concert, or an event. Or complain that Friday is a Long Ways off. Or That you went a long time without sex, a beer, cheesecake, or whatever. Yet, then you say Life is Short, so …

… Please explain to me how you feel life is short. Yes, I know people mean it is often ended before they expected it to. Or it could end before they expect it to. BUT IT IS LITERALLY THE LONGEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO ON THIS EARTH. I do not say “Life is Short, so …” I Always say “Life is Long, …” Meaning because we are here for a long time, why wouldn’t you want to make it as happy as possible? Why wouldn’t you strive to make it as pleasant as possible? Why Wouldn’t you try to make the longest thing you ever do less-shocking, and more livable?

Some of you (most, hopefully) know I have attempted Suicide. I actually was released from the Psych Ward while still wanting to kill myself.  Wait, WHAT? You Say? Yup. The Psych Ward KNEW I WANTED to Die. I still do. This is not a secret. As I’ve said before, having to live as a Spiritual Being in a physical World is miserable. Living on this Earth is horrible. I’d Rather be dead, and reunited with the Spiritual side. (Now before any of you decide to freak out, STOP. Think about this.)  I was released from The Psych Ward in 2005. Notice I am still Alive. Why, You Ask?? Because I learned from my attempted suicides. Just like everything else in life. I learned the pain I was causing was not making me happier. I learned I am Not Allowed to Die yet. Yes, You read that right. I am NOT ALLOWED TO DIE YET. This is when I realized Nobody can die before their time they are supposed-to. One of the things I have learned in my Spiritual Journey is that everything happens when it is supposed, how it is supposed-to, and why it is supposed-to. Yes, We Do have control to a degree. Everything we do does determine the path we will take until our time to leave the living side of Earth arrives. I think I have written some of the detail of how and where I attempted suicide. (it’s been years since I actively wrote … I’d have to go look and see if I actually published those … I know I have told many in person, but not sure I ever put those in a blog.)

It actually is quite comical to know that there is nothing I cannot do if I decide I will do it … Except Suicide. All the failed attempts really are comical when ya look how thorough I was, and how they should never have failed. I am in no way making light of suicide. What leads people to attempt suicide is horrible. The path one goes down while suicidal is beyond fucked-up mentally. It took me years to openly talk about it. Why did I start talking about it?? Because THAT IS THE REASON I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DIE YET. I am Here to help others, and I do.

This Also is Why even after I deleted my FaceBook, when it reappeared yesterday, with notification from FB saying “it’s been three-weeks, we thought you might want to come back” I actually Laughed. Because the day before while talking with a friend about how I helped them learn to be body-positive, not afraid of depression, and not afraid of death were all from where she saw me posting in Facebook. Yes, I despise FB for how we are the product. I thrive mostly in Snapchat now, and a little in Instagram, and random other sites. While I was off of FB, I enjoyed not having to feel the need to even look at it. But The driving force in why I am Still Alive on This Earth is to help as many people as possible to learn to love themselves, learn to be Spiritual, and learn to Live a Joyous Life, since it IS The Longest Thing We will do. While I would love it if more friends would join me in Snapchat, For whatever reason, that seems to not be happening. Facebook sadly is the place where I can reach more of my friends daily. It is convenient, and I can easily find older posts in my archives.

For now, I have my FB active again. If you are one of the offenders who likes to hijack others’ emotions while they are dealing with Death, or some other event, I will Remind you that you are misbehaving, and likely remove you, instead of remove myself.

My Journey in Life is to Continue on my Spiritual Journey, Teach Body-positive, Self-love, and how to be over-all Positive. If you wish to come along, I will not remove you. However, another thing I have learned is that I am not afraid to let the trash take itself out. If you attempt to harm me, I will let you put yourself in the dumpster.

Oh! I almost forgot!

Let’s talk about ENERGY and how it affects us.
If You are one of those people who sees a story on the news, or social media, and immediately worries about someone you know in that city the news happened in, STOP THAT!
Do you understand how Energy Works?? What you focus-on, manifests. So Why On Earth would you see a news story. Let’s use Vegas as an Example. You see a story about Vegas, and immediately Worry that I am included, or might be affected. Excuse me?!? There are two Million People in Vegas, and You choose to place that negative Energy Into My Aura~! Hell Naw~ The same thing used to happen in Portland: People would see a news story about a pedestrian getting hit by a car, and immediately worry that It was ME. Umm Excuse Me!?? Like there are how many Hundreds of thousands of Pedestrians, yet you want to project that Negative Ass Energy My way?? KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF!

Shiiit If I am Not allowed to Kill Myself, and Do ALL I Can daily to keep a positive vibe, and find the positive, Yet You All Are Projecting that Shit on Me!? Shiit! No wonder life is a struggle! Imagine if I was not so strong, how far y’all would push me down!  Do Me a favor: I Work Daily to Lift You up, PLEASE DO THE SAME FOR ME.

As for When Will I Die?
Be assured When I die, I will be Doing Something Wonderful. It Will be My Time, and I hope Every one Who Says  they Love me, comes to Celebrate My Life, not Mourn my death. I Sure Hope that When I Die, EVERY One of The People I have helped along the way says the same thing: “It was Time for that Magical Unicorn To Go on to The Spiritual Side.” Hopefully not one utters the words “That Unicorn was taken too soon.” Bitch, Please! I already have been here Waaaay Longer than I ever expected. The struggle is real. Let me go already!

 LIFE IS LONG. MAKE IT ENJOYABLE. BE AS FREE AS POSSIBLE. LET YOUR UNICORN OUTTA THE CLOSET. 

Death... Why Complicate it?

Death… Why Do We Fear and Complicate it?

What is it about Death, Dying, and the Dead that we insist on making so complicated?

Why do humans insist on getting scared, fearful, irrational, or shocked when the topic of death is at hand?

Why do we have such a hard time grasping, understanding, and accepting death?

Why is Death A topic To write about today? Well, it is always a topic, daily… But recently I have been seeking more answers. Nope, not because I have recently encountered more death. But rather, because I have recently moved to a new neighborhood. Yeah, yeah, I know that will throw ya! You wonder how a new neighborhood could be more about death? Well, it really is about that. My walk-to-work daily now passes many things which bring this topic to the surface. The very first thing I saw the day I moved here is this:

This is a “memorial” that has been created on a street-corner. I absolutely hate these. (I will explain later).

The next thing I noticed was this:

It is a cemetery I walk past daily. (I will go into more detail about how I feel about these later).

But the reason I stopped to write about death today is because of a walk I took last night. (I will tell about that later, too ).

It is no secret that I accept, embrace, and even love the topic of death. (Note, I said “the topic of”… I will explain how that is different from loving death a little later) I do not get freaked-out, shocked, or even question death one-bit. Some would go so far as to say I am insensitive, unfeeling, and not caring about others’ lives. Some would say I am morbid, even a freak. It is easy for them to say these things, because they want to quickly dismiss my views without attempting to understand, or grasp what I know. If they have lived, and experienced what I have, they also would likely embrace my way of accepting death. They say ignorance is bliss… I disagree. I say information, knowledge, experience, and understanding are bliss. As a good example, I can compare how death affects most people, verses how it affects me. I am not the one who does irrational things when death is near. I am always balanced, accepting, and understanding. Those who do not have knowledge, understanding, and information are the ones who are in shock, disbelief, and have a hard time functioning.  

Now, Let me make it clear: I am never happy about a death, Never. Also, some think death does not sadden me just because I am not seemingly sad on the surface: My level of sadness when a living being dies is much deeper than just an outward- appearance for others to simply see on the surface. To understand and grasp the sadness I feel, one would have to tune-into my soul, my spirit, my energy, my every-cell. The way I am tuned –into feelings, energy, spirits, and souls, unless you look into the same areas, you will never understand what I feel every time a life ends.

Just because I love the topic of death, does not mean I love death. There is a huge difference.  The topic of death means learning, understanding, grasping, accepting, and being at peace with it. Because death is something that happens all around us, all our lives, and to every living being upon this earth, I choose to learn about it, instead of choosing to hide from it.

What I do not understand is why so many people seem to be shocked when death happens. I also do not grasp why so many pretend this is something they know nothing about. Why do so many think one kind of death is more of a loss than another kind? Why do some think it is so much worse if it is a child, compared to an adult? Why do people think a death occurred “too soon”, or “unexpectedly”? Why do some people think someone “left us too soon”, or that an age, any age is “Too early”?  There is no such thing as “dying too early”. It is not possible. A death can only happen when it is meant to happen. It cannot happen too early, or too late. No matter the age, when a death is supposed to happen, it will. Never a moment too soon, never a moment too late. A death is never “unexpected”. We learn from the moment we are created that this world is not ours, not our time, not our decision as to what happens, and when. We learn early in life that things happen when they are supposed to. If we choose to say it was “unexpected” that is only because we seemed to think we somehow had control over our universe. We do not. We must expect death, since it will happen to all life. This is something most choose to not admit, and why they are shocked when it happens. Every Life ends. It is not unexpected, unless we choose to not accept the truth.

Why do the news-agencies focus and highlight one type of death over another? (Such as a story that features the headline “Nine-people died, and One Child was lost”, or worse, they divide our humanity, based on country of origin: such as “In this horrible event, twenty people died, Five of them were ‘Americans’”. Or they even divide further to say what someone’s “ability” or “disability” was, such as: “In this event, Six people died, One was Deaf” (Or “in a wheelchair”, or had “Chrones disease”, or “had cancer”) Chooses any topic, and they seem to think they should label that person according to some special category. This is absolutely ridiculous! EVERY LIFE IS EQUAL. EVERY DEATH of ANY LIVING being is Equal. It is NOT a GREATER LOSS because someone was (Fill in the blank). We are all the same in the sense of life. Once it has ended, it is not a greater loss, or somehow more tragic. Stop dividing us. We Are ALL HUMAN. No age, no gender, no religion, no sexual-orientation, and no nationality is more important than another. Death does not change that.

The same is true, if not more-extreme, for actors, actresses, or famous people. Why is it when someone famous dies, so many people really freak out over it? Most of the time, those who are most-affected have never met that person.

EVERY DEATH IS THE SAME: It is a Life that has ended. It is Not a Greater loss, or somehow more important.  One of my biggest complaints about our world is the way people attempt to divide, instead of attempting to unite, and be as one world.

So, you might wonder what makes me such an expert on death? Ha! Hardly an expert. I just choose to learn from every experience in life. I choose to understand what life is all about. I choose to learn, and know what I have control over, and what I do not. From the moment each of our own lives was created, we are headed toward death. What we choose to do between creation and death is our own choice. Some choose to never learn, never grasp, and always be shocked by things that are common occurrences. I choose to find a way to be at peace with my world. I have been accused of noticing more details than most do. That could be by my own choosing, or it could be that I was gifted with an ability that enables me to focus on those things. One of the most important things I choose in life is to learn. I choose to learn from every moment, every experience, every feeling, every encounter. I choose to understand the things that were once a mystery. There is not enough time in a life to grasp everything we do not understand, so we must choose the ones we feel are most important to us. Why have I chosen to study, embrace, and understand death? Because of how it affects us if we do not. I can choose to not study how an engine of a car works, and continue to be baffled by it. Not understanding an engine will not send me into a tail-spin if suddenly it stops performing. Likewise, that is why death is something I have chosen to focus on. Not understanding why a life ended can have a major affect on my own life. We each must choose what areas of life we want to grasp. Most never want to grasp death, that is why it affects them so horribly.

For me, not learning about Death was not an option. I am not sure if it would be considered a blessing, or a curse to have experienced death often early in my life.  But I did. I had many deaths around me from the moment my own life began. Many do not believe a human understands what is happening around them from the moment they are born. You are welcome to believe anything you choose. I have always felt, seen, and grasped more than most think is possible. I was told as a child that I blew people’s minds by what I noticed, felt, and understood.

We ALL are surrounded by death from the moment we are created. How much we choose to notice, or are tuned-into is what varies from each of us. Sure, some are people we never knew. Some are close, and some just happen to be somewhere near our own little world. IF you wish, you can google lists of those who have died in your own lives. For me, the list is quite long. I Do not recall at exactly what age I was conscious of what exactly death was, but I know I learned and began to undertand it from the moment I was created.  I know that from the age of three, I DID ask why people were so weird about it. My parents were a bit surprised that I grasped what death was, and asked how I knew about it. I explained how many people had died that we knew, or knew of. They asked lots of questions about what I understood. I seemed to think it was weird that I knew about more deaths in our city than they did. I told them how I felt the deaths.

By the time I was five, I freely told people why I hated wars, and why I would never join the military. I do not like the idea of looking for conflict, and looking for reasons to kill others. I understood early how people joined militaries because they enjoyed conflict, and wanted a reason to kill others. Then they would pretend to be shocked and upset that they actually killed others. I never bought their excuses, and never pretended to either. I told them how they went looking for conflict, and they found it. I would tell them that no military exsits to create peace, and the only reason militaries exist is for war. People who join any military are doing it for conflict, killing, and to be more powerful than others. Death is part of military life, and when those who freely join seem shocked that they killed others, to me this is not a good excuse to pretend to be shocked. Yes, I totally understood the difference between those forced to join, and those who voluntarily joined. But even, so, Nobody joins any military with the impression it is for peace, or could claim to be shocked they had to kill someone.  

By the age of nine when Elvis died, I was not at all shocked. Yes, I knew who this famous person was, and listened often to his songs. I knew plenty about death by then. There were plenty of deaths in my life prior to that, and I remember asking why people were acting so strange about his death. So many told me “because he was famous”. Well, to that, I asked, “Isn’t Every Life Equal?”

I have learned that people do really weird things when a death happens. People do not understand how a soul, a spirit works. This, too, baffles me. Because I have always been tuned-in to what a living-being is, I had thought everyone understood this. But in life, I also have learned that the things that baffle me, also baffle others in different way. For each thing each of us understands, there is something we do not. 

Death, souls, spirits, and life are some of the things many do not, and never will understand. I do. No, I am not boasting, or saying I am better than anyone in any way. I am simply aware of what I grasp. This is one area of life I was gifted with that others were not. Each living being is gifted in different areas. That is what makes each of us all the more important in others’ lives. We must all join together to help each other learn, understand, and survive. My areas of strength are often the same areas that isolate me from others. So many people do not understand my strengths, and it scares them away. So many see my reaction (or more importantly- lack of reaction)- when a death occurs, and it makes them push me away, instead of them coming closer to learn more about how they could better understand what death is.

How does any of this have anything to do with my recent walks? Well, last night, I got an answer to one of my own ponderables that has perplexed me for the whole time I have lived in Vegas. Last night I decided to go for a walk through Sunset Park. From the very first time I visited Sunset Park three years ago, I have gotten an odd-feeling about it. Much like so many places in Vegas that are called “nature” it is hardly something I feel fits “nature”. Nature, to me is not sports-parks, bright lights, concrete, and man-made. To me, nature is a place where the earth is free, not built by man, and the vegetation, animals, and spirits are free to be as they would without man-forcing their own upon it. Sunset Park, to me from the moment I entered it should be Called “Sunset Memorial Park”.  I heard all about how this park had a lake, had lots of nature, and was a great place to escape. The very first thing I noticed when I got there was a feeling I could not place. It was a kind of eerie-un-resolved spiritual conflict. To me, it felt much like a mausoleum, modern cemetery, or one of those road-side memorials.

I have visited Sunset Park many times, and each time, it has the same feeling of spiritual imprisonment, and conflict. Until last night, I could not place why it felt that way. Last night, it hit me. What I noticed last night, was not what I could see, but rather what I could not see. The entire park recently had a complete renovation. What I noticed last night was the lack of what I thought so odd the first time I visited. Three years ago, Every tree in the park had a memorial plaque at its base. Now that the renovation has been completed, many of the plaques have been removed. (Whether removed just by accident as machinery re-shaped the ground, or by choice I will never know.) I also noticed many of the older trees had been removed, and many new ones were added. The new lighting, the concrete paths, and the way the park is now made, is a complete conflict, and has absolutely nothing resembling nature. It screams of man-made, removing all that is natural and free, and purposely placing what this culture wants to call “nature”.

This brings me to why Death is a topic today. I recently noticed how our culture has changed. It used-to be that when someone died, they were buried in the earth, and the cycle of life continued. 

As death occurred, humans used to place the body in the Earth so it could give back, and add the nutrients it once received. Cemeteries used to be places where you could feel the energy of positive release of the spirit. Even before cemeteries, once a body was placed into the Earth, it was allowed to be absorbed, and become free. Often a burial took place in a spot the life had thrived. This was the cycle of life. Even those who were cremated, gave back to the Earth. When their body was burned, all that was solid became the air we breathe. Their ashes were spread, often in a place that person had loved, lived, and thrived.  Farmers often would bury their dead in their own fields, knowing that it would bring greater harvest the following year, and years to come. You can even go back further, and look at how our Natives used to do burials. They understood how the cycle was supposed to go. Death Gives life.

My friend Andrea recently visited upstate New York, and posted pictures of really old cemeteries. In her pictures, you could feel a freedom, a peace. Here is one of those from Her:

 

Yup, I stole this photo from Andrea! (She knows) :)

 It feels like a place where the bodies were freed, where they are not sealed forever. A place that is not sterile, but healthy, full of energy, and has free spirits.

When did our world begin to treat a body as if it was somehow something bad, something that should be sealed up, never to again rejoin the Earth, never to become nutrients, and give life? It was her photos that made me realize what was wrong in today’s deaths. Now when a body dies, it is sealed into box, and placed in a vault. Some are buried in the earth, and some are sealed into a concrete structure above ground. 

No matter where it is placed, it is placed in a way that it will never be free. It is placed in a prison, forever. I do understand why Cemeteries became common. We as humans have a need to group, categorize things. We as a whole feel we must have a place where we can call a “final resting place”. We also are lazy. Most people would not go to the effort to dig a hole to properly bury a body. The lack of proper-burial caused problems, and laws were created making it illegal to bury a body in the Earth. Some say that decaying bodies pollute the water and other places. The Earth is amazing in how it takes care of itself. The ground is a natural filter. The body is absolutley not toxic when reunited with the Earth in the right way. When a body is placed in the ground, it is reclaimed by the earth in a natural way. It only becomes a problem when it is encased in a box that suddenly allows all the decay to become free, and only then is it toxic. The old cemeteries are wonderful, because they still allowed the body to decay. You can feel the free-spirits, and rejuvenated life created from death in those places.

Now when a body dies, it is immediately sealed up, and forever held captive, never allowing it to be free, never allowing it to give back to the Earth it got life from. Each life we seal-up, and forbid to give back, depletes our Earth from all the nutrients it needs. Then, when the “catastrophe” happens (such as a flood, earthquake, or other event) which causes those sealed remains to open-up, we have sudden pollution, sudden toxic events, and sudden spiritual releases. These cause conflicts, which could have been causing peace many years prior.

Now, when people die, people flock to where the death occurred.  People go and make memorials in the place the death occurred, seeming to want to hold onto the death, instead of finding a positive way. Now people want to forever remain in this moment. People, Let the spirit go free, do not cage it. Allow peace to happen, not create conflict. Celebrate the life that had been. Treasure the love that was shared.  Why on Earth would you want to focus on the death, instead of where the person thrived, where life, love, and freedom occurred. These memorials created where a person dies is a cruel, selfish act.  It is saying to the dead, “I do not want to allow your spirit to be free. I want your spirit to forever be trapped in this moment that took your life.” When a life ends, we have a responsibility to embrace the life, not hold onto the death. 

Their death means they have done all they were supposed to do on the living side of this place we call Earth. Allow them to move-on, and continue as they need to in their spiritual journey. Caging a spirit will not bring peace. Seek peace, focusing on peace, embracing peace, you will have peace. Seek conflict, seek to hold onto death, and seek to embrace that place of death, you will always have conflict.

Now, back to why my walk through the park brought me to writing this today:

I have always felt that instead of these horrible memorials placed where a person died, you should do something positive to show that person you learned from their life, their love, all they gave. Do something in a place that will spread joy, free their spirit, and allow others to feel their love. One way I have always felt was very appropriate, was to plant a tree in their honor. Or you could do something as simple as take a picture of something they loved, and display it where others can see, feel, and enjoy it.

Well, here in Vegas, it is a common belief that people can do whatever they want. People believe here they can create their own reality. Vegas was created originally because people felt they could do as they pleased here, they felt there was no God here, and they could make things how they wanted. How people perceive “nature” here is a common example of this. Here, people have come to a desert, a place where “nature” is quite a different creature. But, they want to create their own version of nature, play God, so to speak.  To Vegas, nature means concrete, lots of harsh lighting, and water where no water would normally exist. To Vegas, nature is not what is natural, but what they can build and call their nature. Sunset Park is a prime example of this. Nothing you see in Sunset Park is natural here. It is all man-made, man-sustained, and as unnatural as could be. But this is what makes Vegas happy.

The first time I visited this park, I noticed all the memorial plaques at the bases of the trees. Last night, I noticed most of them were gone. I actually had to search to find any. I found a few. Some were buried and I had to dig them out to be seen. This one sums it all up quite well:

“Born of the wilderness, Free as the wind” … Harldy.

Last night I realized why this park always felt so much like a spiritual battle-field. Because it is. So, Yes, the people of Vegas did attempt to create a memorial using trees, and attempt to create a positive place to make the memorials, but they failed by forcing man-made creations and forcing “nature” where it would not normally be. For a spirit to be free, it must be how it would naturally. That is how sprits work. We cannot control them, nor create a place where we think they should exist. The creation of this park, plus the way it was recently renovated to make it what man wants, instead of embracing what nature provided, only created more conflict. What happened to the rest of the memorials that disappeared during the renovation? Simple: they were in the way of what man wanted, so they were removed.  Again, this falls into the category of why this park feels like a spiritual conflict. Because the humans were lazy, needed a place to group all their memorials together, and create nature in what they wanted it to be. None of these memorials was placed someplace a person had loved life, had found his/ her spiritual path, had taught others to be as free as the wind.  A memorial placed in a forced location, will always cause spiritual conflict.

Once I unearthed the above memorial, then looked around at how this park is made, it all made sense. This is what our world has come to. Today, people want something that is only what they create, not what The Creator has provided for them. Today, people do not want to embrace death, but want to create their own expectation of what that person’s life was supposed to be. When people say a person died too soon, they are being greedy, and had somehow convinced themselves they knew better how the Universe operates than The Creator. All the memorials that so harshly disrupt our land, at the place where a death occurred are creating spiritual conflicts. When did people decide they know more about life than our Creator? Why won’t people welcome and embrace all that is free for them to enjoy? Why do people not want peace?

This is how the park feels:

So much conflict, not natural...

I will never claim to be an expert about life and death. But If I have found peace, understanding, and acceptance of Death, don’t you think I might possibly have a grasp… even if only a tiny grasp? I learned early in life to find people who understood things better than you did, and pick their minds, their heart, and grow from their understanding.  I certainly do not yet grasp all there is to know about life and death… that is why I am still alive. None of us can grasp it all while we are on this Earth… on the living side of life.

I do know what causes conflict, what causes peace, and seek to learn more every day. How about you?  

Oh, and speaking of cemeteries: Why do people think they are morbid? Why do people feel death is scary? It is part of life. It is the cycle of life. 

I remember when I was 13, my Mom got a new apartment. I chose to go live with her.  I took the trash to the dumpster, one night at sunset. As I approached the dumpster, I noticed an old trail overgrown with ivy, and brush leading thru the dark forest. I set the trashcan by the dumpster and followed the trail, not bothering to tell Mom I was wandering off. Deep in that little forest, I discovered a pioneer cemetery. Yup, it was dark. But it was so peaceful, beautiful and filled with wonderful spirits. I felt the lettering on the moss-covered tombstones, and embraced how wonderful it was. It did not take long for Mom to realize I had not returned. She went to the dumptster and saw I had not even emptied the trashcan, but left it there. Of course she did not worry. Instead she asked herself what I discovered to do instead. She went back, got a flashlight, and looked around. She found the overgrown trail, and knew I had gone that way. She followed it, and came to the same place I was. She was not worried. She was happy. She knew me well enought to know I was safe, and found something wonderful to discover. That cemetery was so peaceful, and wonderful. it was like our own littel secret escape. We visited it often for years after that day. 

Care to take a walk through a cemetery with Me? You might just find peace :)

Erections... when I was a Little Boy

This is the second-part of a continuation of the topic of erections. 

I am Different than most males, and it has often troubled me in how an erection is viewed by most, compared to how it is for me. This has not been an easy topic to finally allow myself to address, discuss, or even to allow another to know how I feel about it. It quite literally is The Hardest Topic I've Ever written about! (No Pun intended...) But I welcome you to find the humor, and fun in an area I finally am learning to accept about myself, and allow others to understand as well.

To understand a bit-more of what this writing explores, its roots, feelings, and reasons for even writing, please feel free to read the First Part. 

~Warning!~ The text, pictures, cartoons, and entire subject of this blog MAY BE OFFENSIVE to some. In No Way am I trying to shove anything in anyone's face, or in any way be inappropriate, graphic, or sexual. But the topic is about erections, and all that goes with them... So you Have Been Warned. There is nothing visually graphic, except one cartoon. Read, Learn, Laugh, and Explore at your own desire... not because you are in any way forced-to. Please... Enter with An Open Mind... Or Closed Eyes.

This picks-up where I left-off in the first writing (linked above)... You can read this without having read the first-part, but it will make more sense if you know the full-story...

What caused erections for little boys?

(Or the explorations and experiments of little boys n girls):

It was never shameful to see what would cause an erection in a little boy. (Those erections happened quite easily , and often, without much help!) As little kids, it was not uncommon to see where we could fit our penises. Likewise, it was not uncommon for the girls to see what could be fit inside of their own openings. We discovered how some places it would go only when soft, but other places it would go better when it was hard. We discovered it was a bad idea to stick it into a coke bottle… although it fit nicely when it was soft, but the moment it got hard, you could not get it out! Likewise, the girls decided if a coke bottle was such a good fit on a penis, it would be an even better fit in their own openings. To say we had imagination and fun would be an understatement. Of course we joked about the poor bottle-guy at the store who counted these when we returned them! We almost always got erections while swimming naked. I was fun to watch and even to feel as another boy got an erection in the water verses out of the water. The girls delighted in using swim masks to watch under water as we flailed about and tried to “swim with a rudder”.

Who was Allowed to Play?:

(And is it considered ‘sex’ if you are kids?):

We had no notion that it was somehow considered bad that a boy would give another boy an erection, or to feel, play and discover it. It was all healthy, clean fun. Nobody around us was a homophobe, or put those silly notions into our heads.  As little kids, we were allowed to be kids, and nobody made it weird, or sexual. It was simply just learning, exploring, and discovering. Yes, we discovered how it would fit differently into a vagina whether soft or hard. The girls were equally curious, and often the ones to initiate, and try this. Often this was attempted while swimming, or in a bath… the water making it both more challenging, and also more fun.  In a bathtub, it was not as challenging, because the girl usually had the boy pinned down. Also in the bath, they easily discovered the joys of soaps, and bubbles, and how that changed the way it was more slippery. But, in the pool while swimming, the challenge was for the girl to see if she could manage to insert it while the boy was not holding still, also not having anything to make it slippery. We learned that this same activity was not as fun in the sand, or dirt. We found what would fit inside a garden hose, and likewise where that garden hose would fit. This was made even more fun when the water was suddenly turned-on by someone else, and the person playing was not expecting it! It was never a situation of anyone being forced, or made to do something they were not happy with. To us, this was fun, educational, and a great way to learn.

When Good, Clean Play Became Bad For Me:

The only times it was different was if someone would say something to make it “sexual”… such as the obvious “you are having sex” or “we are making babies”. I would hate that! To the girls, or the others around, they did not see it as any different and found it cute to say. I would instantly be repulsed, and could not get away fast enough. None of the people around could understand how that made it bad for me. It was the same action, just with different words. To me, they had just taken something fun and innocent and made it something totally different. The girls loved the thought of “Playing, ‘Lets make a baby’ “. We were not alone often, and the adults watched, but often let us do as we pleased, as long as we did no harm. When an adult would see this happen, they would chuckle. Then admonish whoever said the offending words. But still be giggling. We all knew what it was, but to label it made it something completely different (for me, anyhow). I knew we could not make babies until we grew, and developed further, so it was simply just play… until someone went and mentioned it as otherwise. Often the adults would watch, or encourage, but they left the actual explorations, or desire to see what could or could not be done to our own discoveries.  I always enjoyed them, until someone would mention anything relating the erection to something about sex.  Then I would be humiliated. But if it was not labeled as sexual, I was allowed to enjoy it. I was never offended by simply playing with an erection, until someone made it sexual. That just weirded me out.

Detailed Learning:

(The confusion, and conflict when your views are not like any other’s)

There were a few older people who did in fact teach me much about my body. I was taught about how to feel, understand, and know what I did and did not like, and to discover these feelings for myself, not base them on another’s beliefs. Even as a young boy, I baffled other people who sought to teach, and help me understand what I desired to know. The decisions I came to often did not match those who thought I should feel differently. But they accepted how I felt, rather than attempt to make me think the same as they did. I saw early in life that I was not seeing things the same as others did. Sure, I was conflicted hugely by this. Imagine that everything you find out about yourself is unlike any other human you have ever met… That will screw with a person’s mind!

Understanding the “Wisdom” of The Older People:

(Older… meaning even a year or two older Equals Aged Wisdom, Right?)

I learned very early how touch, and even sensual, intimate touch can be an incredible and wonderful feeling. I learned how to enjoy that touch, and even welcome the reactions it caused. Often the most visible reaction was an erection. I also learned early in life that when not treated as a bad thing, an erection can be wonderful. I learned that if everyone involved had no bad intentions, or ever did anything bad or harmful, there was never any shame, or even anything bad associated with an erection. As a child, I had so many wonderful memories that also included erections. I never once was made to ejaculate. I knew it was designed to happen and it would eventually. I knew how people talked about how it felt and that it was supposed to be the absolute best thing to happen. But I never had one, and did not even expect to, or know when I was supposed to, since to me the erections, and whatever caused them was never done to cause an orgasm. I remembered studying, asking and learning from anyone who would humor my inquiries. Surprisingly, I got most of my information from girls and women. Some of my most trusted female friends were the ones that were older than me, so they had the “wisdom” that came with age. Also, I got much of my knowledge from people like my Gramma, or close family-friends. My Grampa, and even his neighbor (one of my older female friends was his daughter, so they were similarly good at explaining things) were incredible at putting things into words, but they were about the only guys I ever met who could do that. Most guys just could not put anything about this into words.

What is a Phantom Orgasm?

I learned that I would indeed have ‘Phantom Orgasms’ until I developed further, and my body was ready to actually have an ejaculation. I learned I had already had these phantom orgasms since as long as I could remember. Those were wonderful! And I remembered how after having those, my penis would lose the erection, and slowly become soft again. The feeling and sensations that remained were ones I cherished. To me, this was perfect. I learned that most boys, and most men would complain if they had gotten an erection, but never had an orgasm. To them, the feeling of the erection caused discomfort, and the only relief was to orgasm… whether phantom as a young boy, or ejaculation as an older one. This was another area where I discovered I was different. To me, It was never uncomfortable to have an erection. It was blissful always. Even if I never had a phantom orgasm, it still never caused discomfort. I was the opposite. (And oddly enough, still am!) I never, ever complained about the feeling an erection would cause. I would cherish, and hope to keep it as long as was possible. I never cared about the phantom orgasm, or if it ever came. Eventually, all erections go away, and I still felt like they were so wonderful. I was the oddball, and everyone knew this. So, most boys would be eager to either have it go away as soon as possible, or hope to continue whatever would cause the phantom orgasm.

Some of the best memories I have include those who were comfortable enough for me to be around, and comfortable enough to know how to cause the erection, plus cause the phantom orgasm. From what I was told about actual ejaculation, and orgasm, verses the Phantom one, I was led to believe that whatever good feeling there was created in the phantom orgasm, the actual one, when it came would be way better. I had seen older boys, and even men have an orgasm. To me, it did not look like they were enjoying it one bit, or that it was in any way a good feeling. I already knew the fluid that came out in an orgasm was (to me) disgusting, sticky, and nothing I wanted anything to do with! I was not looking forward to my own body creating that mess. I wondered if the orgasm would be as bad as It looked like it would. Since most people already said the stuff they liked and thought felt good were proving to not feel good to me, I suspected the supposed bliss of an orgasm would also be something I would not enjoy. Their faces, and body language told me way more than their words did. I knew that time would come eventually, but was in no hurry for that to happen. To me, everything was perfect now. There was no mess, and those girls I played with also were in no danger of getting pregnant until I was able to ejaculate. I learned everything I could about the body, because I liked to know, understand, and be aware of what could happen, and does happen. I did discuss these topics with almost any female I could get interested. The part about getting pregnant was a huge fear for most young girls. They were always happy to not have that concern. At this time in our lives, it was considered simply just kids playing, and not sexual. It most-definitely was considered sexual once ejaculations could occur (and messy, too!) Again, I was thrilled to still be allowed to play, and not at all considered sexual. I was happy to not have that worry. The last thing I would ever do on this Earth was anything that could possibly create a baby!

Learning About Comfortable, verses Uncomfortable:

I tell the story above (In the first-part, previously posted) about a friend when I was 8 that behaved badly with an erection. He was not the only one. I saw others, too, and learned early how to stay clear of those people, and never allow them to touch you, or to ever allow yourself to be seen naked, or especially with an erection near them. What I could not understand was why some people behaved badly, and seemed to think that because they had a penis, it was perfectly acceptable. I knew if something made you uncomfortable in that way, it was best to not be around. I had already programmed myself to distance myself from anyone who made me uncomfortable because of naked, or an erection. Imagine my conflict when I finally had my first ejaculation, and discovered how horrible it made me feel! The conflict came not because I wanted to get away from the person who caused it, but because it was caused by someone I loved, trusted, enjoyed always being with, and had been one of my best friends since birth! How could I suddenly hate the way someone so important made me feel? It was caused by someone who I absolutely did not want to be apart from…

Did I lose My Virginity at age 10?

(Gasp!~ Or even by age 5?)

In my blog about My Grampa and I becoming Naked Smurfs, I mention quite often the girl from next door. She was a very important person in my life as a kid. We grew up together. In that blog, (and almost every one previous to this, I had not revealed the parts about the erections, because I was still too mortified to talk about them, After writing the blog about the hitchhiker, I found I was ready, and the time was appropriate.) She was two years older than me. My Gramma and Grampa liked to tease us regularly and call her my “girlfriend”. This embarrassed us both immensely. But at the same time, we understood why they said this, but neither of us was ready to be called that. She also was the one who caused my very first true orgasm. This had happened about a year before the Naked Smurfs week. I remember the day very well. I was either 10 or 11. The neighbor girl and I often spent entire days playing together. She and her friends were some of my most trusted friends, and often just being around her I got an erection. Often, she and her friends would purposely cause them. She had given me erections since I was born. She was two, I was a newborn. They all told me later, once I was old enough to know what they were telling me that the very first time she met me, she immediately grabbed my penis, and tugged on it until it was hard. This gave all the adults a good laugh, and they knew we would always be friends, and there would be no boundaries between us. Every time she was near me, she played with it more. To my grandparents and her parents, this was endlessly funny. Occasionally they used this to our embarrassment. They all immediately referred to her as my girlfriend. Sheesh, I had a girlfriend as soon as I was Born… and she liked to play with my penis!

Something is Different:

(Changes I was not thrilled with)

Anyhow, It was not uncommon for her to give me an erection, and also a phantom ejaculation. This was nothing shameful, especially around Gramma and Grampa, or even in front of her own family, or any of the people we were regularly around. Like I mentioned before, I almost always got an erection when I swam naked. Of Course with her here, I Always got an erection… Often caused intentionally by her.  We both found it amusing, and enjoyable. On this day, it was no different, … …until we noticed something was different with my erection. Grampa was working on something sitting at the patio table next to the pool. She and I had swam, naked of course. She had purposely caused the erection, and kept it continuing for quite a while. She often would see if she could get it inside her while we played (of course I did not object!) She did, and commented it felt different this time. I agreed. Something had changed. I could feel it was different, too. She had begun to develop and change, and we both noted the changes as she did. But this time, we both noticed I felt and fit differently. My own erection was different, looked, felt, and moved differently. I was not at all ashamed to have Grampa see this, nor was she ashamed to have him see her do this. This was just part of our playing, our connection. Other than the difference we noticed in the way I felt and fit, this was no different than any other time… Except once we were in the sun, and she played some more, she noticed some fluid seeping from the tip. (yes, we each were quite familiar with each other’s body functions, and even pee’d together quite often. In our freedom, yes we had even explored and learned enough to know what a drop of the other’s pee felt and looked like. We were very comfortable with each other.) She continued to play, and work more out, I could tell it was something different, too. But it was not flowing, just barely seeping. As she explored, and worked more out, effectively moving the fluid around the tip, she caused it to become quite slippery. We both understood what this was. She grinned, and said “it is time”. We both knew it, but she was the first to say it. Not only had I studied, learned and asked everyone who would allow my inquiries, She also was one who told me about this in her “aged wisdom”. She played only a bit more, then stopped, to not cause the ejaculation yet. I looked at her, and told her she could no longer try to put it in. She looked sad, and agreed. We both knew this change in me would forever change the way we could play.

Grampa’s Humorous Advice: “Get Into the Pool, So You Don’t Get It In Her Eye…”

Grampa had noticed, too, and was watching, grinning. As He Chuckled, He said, “Can I offer a bit of advice? Get into the pool, so it won’t get in her eye, and you won’t end up all sticky.” We laughed at this, but agreed. All of us knew The time had come. Sure, we easily could have just ignored it, and let it go away, but we knew the importance of it, and without discussing it, knew we needed to continue it this time. We got into the pool, and began to swim. I knew other boys absolutely loved it when they changed and had their first orgasm. I already had my doubts about it, because of how it made me feel already. The swimming, and the motion of the “rudder moving against the water” did nothing to calm the feeling, it only made it more uncomfortable. I absolutely did not like this new feeling one bit. I stopped swimming. She of course was right next to me. She also could tell how it was making me feel. It was nothing uncommon for her to touch, hold, squeeze, and know every detail of how my body felt, reacted,and moved. Not only could I feel it was affecting me differently, but so could she. As I held onto the edge of the pool, she felt, and "inspected" what I was experiencing. She, too could tell this was not doing good for me, and she suggested we go to the shallow end where we could stand. I told her I felt sick, and could not swim. She took me to the shallow end, and helped me stand. I could barely stand, so we went to the steps to sit, still in the water. I told her I felt funny. I really was not feeling good all of a sudden. She could see how this was not good for me. She held me in a hug. She knew me very well, and also could feel it herself. She whispered, “It is time. Can I help, or do you want to do it alone?”  I knew from what she had told me, she had experience with this already with other boys. I really did not like the way I was feeling. I could not describe the feeling, but it was awful! I could tell it was going to happen, whether she helped or not. Part of me wanted to just be left alone, but also part of me wanted her with me. I could not answer, and was seeming to go into what I called a crash. Those around me knew what happened to me when I went into a crash. It meant I was beginning to feel like I was becoming an unconscious puddle on the floor, yet I was still upright. A Crash to me was when I felt more of everything that was happening, was tuned-into EVERY feeling, emotion, and affect on my body... both inside, and out, yet at the same time could not vocalize, or explain what was happening. For anybody watching, it would seem I was becoming unconscious, yet never actually doing so. For me, it was an overload of everything I felt, feeling every detail in way too much detail, and I mostly-was not conscious, yet I still was. To me, it was a complete overload of the senses. She was familiar with my crashes, and had learned well how to help me.

Orgasm, or Taking of My Soul??:

Since I could not answer, and she understood, she “helped”.  While I wanted nothing more than to be left alone, and not have anybody near me when I felt so horrible, I also totally welcomed that she knew, and was helping. I knew she was the perfect one to be with when this happened, even if I was feeling worse than I ever had. She literally lifted me onto her lap (facing away, not toward her), and wrapped both arms, and even her legs around me, so I felt completely wrapped in comfort, and her love. She was gentle, placing one hand on my penis, and the other on my testicles. (They were still very tiny, and tight against my body. They had always been small, and tight, but now they were tighter than they had ever been, and they hurt.) She massaged, but could not take away the horrific pain and pressure I was feeling, the feeling of something draining every ounce of good from my body...from the core of my body. But her touch helped make me feel not like I was suffering it alone. She seemed to know more about this than I did, but I also was in no way feeling I wanted any part of any of what was happening. If I could have, I would have run as far and fast as possible, climbed a tree to the highest point, and isolated myself, never allowing such a feeling to EVER happen to me. But I was almost paralyzed, feeling almost unconscious, and unable to think, function, or do anything. But I Felt EVERY Detail in Magnification, and excruciating detail. It was an overload of what I was feeling. I hated it! Her hand on my penis was just comfortably gripping, tenderly massaging, and her fingers were slightly moving across the tip. I could tell that even in the pool water, the drops seeping of lubricant were still very effective. I could tell what she was doing, and why. She managed to make everything smooth and slippery, instead of rough with friction. She knew how to even make a bad thing feel as good as possible. She definitely understood how to be gentle, yet effective. Her touch, and the way she helped move the lubricant around were very soothing… But that was the only thing that felt good down there.  My entire body began to tense, I felt my tiny testicles get painfully hard, and tight~seeming like they were squeezed like you would squeeze a lemon to get every bit of pulp and juice (yet the squeezing feel was not by her hand, it was internal), seeming to withdraw inside my body, but it was like my entire soul felt like it was being removed. I felt like every ounce of positive energy I had in my body was suddenly taken away. I knew it was not something I could stop, and just had to suffer-through. She held me. She continued with her hands, until the final second. She knew enough to move her hand away from the tip, and not let any get on her, or me. She knew I would not want any of that against her, and certainly would not want it on myself. As it left my body, She helped make sure it all got out, by gently squeezing, and pushing the rest out, and keeping the water moving so it carried it way, instead of sticking to me. The way she held, massaged gently, softly, caring was the ONLY part that felt good. I was conscious, but felt (and Wished!) I was unconscious. I felt absolutely sick, felt like anything positive in me had just been robbed by some evil phantom, and I was now filled with nothing but bad energy. I was confused, I was feeling so weak, and like my entire soul was just stolen, and wished I could flee. I wanted to hate her for making me feel such an awful thing (but I knew it was not her fault, it was just how I was made). But I also wanted to just have her hold me, knowing it was her who helped me, and not her fault I was wired differently, and also not at all her fault that I had begun to change. I also was happy that If such a thing had to happen (which I knew It would, and it was just part of growing-up) I was Happy it was with her. She was The Perfect Friend!

Rescue Me!

Grampa saw that it had happened, but also saw that I did not seem to feel good, or find it pleasurable. He also was Very familiar with my crashes. She began to help move me out of the pool. Grampa quickly came and helped her walk me from the water. They laid me down on my back in the sun. She grabbed a towel, and dried me off, making sure there was none stuck on me in the process. She not only knew me well, she felt the way it made me feel.  She had been familiar enough with my life to know what I needed. First, she wrapped herself around me in a comforting hug. Then after a few moments, she began to massage. Gramma had taught her how to massage properly, and she had witnessed Gramma do exactly this same thing when I had many of my previous crashes at Gramma’s house. From her touch and technique, if I had not known it was her, I would have suspected it was Gramma. I was still able to feel everything, just felt like I wished I was not alive. I could feel it was her hands, and could feel how she knew how to remove the negative, and fill me with the positive energy. She massaged exactly as Gramma had. She began to massage my head, then slowly work on massaging my face. Then worked her way down my entire body. She effectively removed all the bad energy, and replaced it with her own good energy. Although she did not miss an inch, she was careful to not do too much in the penis area right now. After she worked her way down to my feet, she turned me over. Then she worked her way back up. By now, once she reached the top of my legs, she could tell my penis had become not so sensitive and she was free to massage it too. She could tell when it was good, and when it was not. (Just like she's seen Gramma do many times.) She massaged without needing to roll me back over. After thoroughly massaging my entire back-side, I had gained enough energy to roll over again. I rolled onto my side, and puller her close. We snuggled for a bit. I was really glad that when it had to happen she was the one who was there. I told her she learned well, and my Gramma would be proud. She smiled, and told me she often watched Gramma take care of me, so she knew how also. I told her the only difference was I could feel it was her hands, not Gramma’s. She smiled, quite proud of herself.

My Gramma Had taught Her Well!

(Yes, Gramma massaged everything. Gramma was always safe, and one who taught me much about my own body. Nobody ever thought Gramma to be inappropriate. She knew the human body well, and had studied Kinesiology, Reflexology, and so many other things that were helpful. Anyone who ever spent time at Gramma’s house welcomed her ways with the body. It was never shameful, or something that was hidden. Gramma even often would help young people understand how to touch, feel, and make another feel wonderful. Would it be wrong to admit the erections caused by Gramma were often the most cherished?) It took me long enough in life to finally be willing to openly admit much I have never disclosed (well not disclosed since I was 12...) But, yep! I will admit what I would not for so many years. Gramma knew touch, sensuality, and understood the human body quite well!

Snuggle, and relax:

We snuggled for quite a while as I slowly gained energy again. Once she saw me gaining life and color again, she kissed me, smiling quite proudly. I told her “Don’t ever make me do THAT again.” We both laughed. Grampa was still sitting at the table. He commented, “Well, chalk another one up that you gotta do differently.” We all laughed. And I groaned, too. Ugh. We lay in the sun, just holding each other and resting the rest of the afternoon.

After that day, we still played mostly like we always had, just careful to never take me to that point again.

Age 12. New Home, You Don’t Fit-in anymore:

I was looking for a picture of me at 12... found this one of me at 13 instead.

Until the age of twelve I never saw my own erections as harmful, shameful, or anything that was thought to be forbidden, hidden, or secret. I had become aware of the difference one I could ejaculate, but made sure to never let it go there again. We moved to Oregon when I was twelve, I was suddenly around an entirely new group of people. The life I knew, and learned how to fit into nicely was suddenly ripped away from me. Suddenly everyone who saw me simply naked, not even with an erection, acted like it was somehow a creepy thing, and saw it as only sexual. Even my own family had suddenly stopped allowing me to be naked. I didn’t even dare to ever allow an erection to be seen. I was confused and baffled, and could find no safe place in my new world. I never once saw my own erections as sexual, except the few times as a little kid that I mentioned earlier. At the age of twelve, I suddenly went into hiding, and never again felt comfortable in allowing another to see me naked, let-alone see, feel or cause my erections. It became an imprisonment of the worst kind. I began to become a loner, and never want to be near others, because I did not know how to fit in anymore. I went into hiding in almost every way. I knew the difference between someone who was safe, trusted, and in no way looking to harm me, and those who were bad, and only sought to hurt another. But others seemed to misinterpret who I was, and what my intentions were. I have written many times about naked freedom, explorations, and discoveries I had as a child. I have written about those who were completely safe, and those who were not. But one topic I have never before fully disclosed was the topic of my penis and how it conflicts me like this. Suddenly, every person I was around would not accept me naked, erection, or not. (There were a few exceptions, of course, but I mostly had to live a secret-life when it involved anything naked, or anyone seeing ANY Aspect of my body.)

Hide My Penis until age 19:

I am wired absolutely differently than any other human. While most find a feeling in both sex and in drugs (even in alcohol) that is appealing to them, it is the opposite for me.  I did not do Anything with anybody that might involve my penis from the age of twelve until I finally allowed myself to have a girlfriend at the age of 19. Then I tried to figure out how to feel what others felt, and called enjoyable in life. Imagine how for so much of my life, I TRIED, Really tried to find out why so many liked these. The alcohol and sex were easy to keep trying, but the drugs… No way. What I have tried in the department of drugs is limited, and could be written in a couple of sentences, but those are still reserved for the few who I care to discuss that with in a private manner. But as far as the Sex and alcohol goes, I was baffled. I thought “these people must be crazy to think something that makes you feel so awful could be a good thing.” I thought “How come so many people like things that make them feel like that?” I even thought that maybe if I just tried more, or with different people I would see how they thought it felt good. But it never did. I always wished I never had done it. To say I was confused about what people thought was good, compared to what I thought was bad was an understatement! (And dare I even mention masturbation?? Nope, I do not like that either…. Well, there are qualifications to that statement… but that gets into a completely different topic. One about whether it involves orgasm, or not, and also what, or why the occurrence may happen…. But for this post, I will keep it simply at I do not care for that either.)

It took years and years of talking to people about what they found to be good in the department of sex, sexuality, and “pleasures” that would fall under that category. I also allowed myself to be open to trying new things, to see if maybe that might change how it was for me, or give me a different feel. I found that what they felt, was not the same as what I felt. Even talking with the partners I have had. With us both sharing the same exact event, I was amazed at what I felt as a bad feeling, and wished it had not happened, yet they felt the opposite, and wanted more of the same. Dare I say I became obsessed with finding out what others liked, and why? I began to learn what others like, how they like it, and to even study more about the human anatomy. I have always loved the infinite wonders of the incredible machine called the human body. To embark on studying more about what made people feel good, what they liked and why, was nothing but pure desire of feeding my insatiable desire for learning. Almost any female I was with, even those who I was not intimate with, I would learn about their desires, and how they accomplished these. I could see the pleasure, and how much it did for them… whether I was the one doing them, or someone else was. But I wanted to know. Yeah, It is weird. I liked to learn about what was good for people like that, but at the same time, I absolutely hated anything sexual. I understood this, too, though. I thrive on helping others, and want them to achieve happiness, and feel good in life. I am usually willing to do almost anything if it will help another… the exception is if it causes myself harm. Harm to myself would include making me feel bad, or feel like I had done something I later regretted.

I AM Non-Sexual:
(That term baffles most…)

I have a rule in life: Harm No One. That includes one’s own self. In following this rule, I have come to the conclusion that I will not have sex. Period. No, I am not “celibate”, or would I even claim to be “abstinent”. Simply put, those are typically religious views about how some go about not having something they otherwise would desire. I am simply “Non-Sexual”. DON'T WANT IT. DON'T NEED IT. DON'T LIKE IT. PERIOD.

What Does "Non-Sexual" Mean?:

This term baffles many. Most understand the terms often associated in a sexual society: Those terms could easily include, but are not limited to the following: heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, gay, transgender, bi-curious, lesbian, bro-love, or even man-love, celibate, abstinent, or even the many that are often associated with fantasy, and role-playing. There are even names, groupings and labels for the different types of gatherings, or situations where any type of sex may occur. I will not begin to list these, for the list is endless. I am sure I am forgetting to include many labels, but that is exactly what they are: Labels. For some reason everyone feels the need to categorize any sexual activity into some group, or definition. But for me to apply a label to myself about my own sexual activity, or to be more accurate: My own desire to not want any sex, and call myself “Non-Sexual” baffles most. Although the label does infact state exactly what it is, and there is no hidden meaning, or even any way to mistake its meaning, most readily admit they cannot grasp this meaning.

What About Kissing, Snuggling?:

I have been asked if I would still kiss, and snuggle. My answer to this would be “that depends on the reason for wanting to kiss, and snuggle”. I have been kissed many times by friends, or even someone I barely know simply to show gratitude, and appreciation. I also have slept, snuggled and shared very close moments with people. Some I have known a lifetime, and others I have known only moments. Sometimes, I have shared these snuggles while naked, other times completely clothed, or even somewhere in between. I cannot claim that I am against kissing, snuggling, or closeness… unless those kisses, and snuggles are a hidden agenda to attempt something sexual. Likewise, I also have been asked if touching is allowed. By all means, yes! But there are situations when touching is not welcomed, too. If the touch is meant to be sexual, or to place someone in a position of feeling vulnerable, used, or in any way dirty, ashamed, or like they wished it did not happen, then the touching would be not acceptable. But not all touch is sexual, even if it includes the penis. Often people touch to learn, understand, or simply because they are comfortable, and not-in-any way desire anything sexual. Touch can be a wonderful expression between two people. 

Might You Be Gay?:

In the attempt of others to figure me out, and even to find something I could like about sex, it has been suggested that maybe I was gay, and just did not like females. That one always makes me chuckle, because it is the exact opposite. It does not matter if it were male or female, it is totally about how I am wired, and how sexuality makes me feel… Not about who the other person is. But, again, our world feels the need to label, or place people into categories. They cannot grasp that I do not fit into any of the supposed categories. As far as relationships go, I am mostly attracted to females… but of course, it is not so simple as to say “A male could not interest me.” Sure, there is always that possibility that the right person could come along, and if that person happened to have a penis, I would not for sure immediately say “no way.” I just do not find many males I would be attracted to, let alone wish to spend any amount of time with.  If I understood males better, that might be a different story. But it is not about whether I could love a male, or a female. It is that I am Non-Sexual. Period.  The things that turn a male on, and the things they desire, and do that are sexual are absolutely nothing I am able to connect with, find pleasure in, or even to just to pretend. Similarly, I have indeed talked to many males about what they desire, and what makes them feel good. I have sought understanding, and tried to find out how come they feel this way. Most males cannot put into words what they feel, why they feel that way, and why they act, or desire the things they do. Most males cannot tell another what they would like, and why. Most males cannot tell someone about the reactions, desires, and feelings they have. This makes it extremely difficult for me to gain an understanding. The way most males do things does not at all connect with me, or make sense to me. I cannot find an appreciation for much of the male anatomy, or how it works, because I am a male, yet I have never found one who feels, thinks, or acts like I do. Similarly, I am not shaped, sized, or built like most males. Attempting to connect on an intellectual, emotional, or mental level with males is almost impossible for me. Connecting with females on those levels comes naturally to me. I cannot find books, or other learning aids that demonstrate anything about males that would be the same as it is for me. So, connecting with males in most aspects of life is nearly impossible for me. I cannot understand why males find such a bond with other males. I cannot grasp what males want and why.

Most men Baffle Me:

I am baffled by how to me, most males act and seem gay, yet will deny that they are. I have nothing against any form of love. If two people like each other, and can find mutual love, joy, and sex, then by all means, please do! But what baffles me is when men are attracted to one another, but will flat-out claim they are not. They are only lying to themselves. One of my biggest turn-offs toward another human is when they feel they should lie. I cannot accept that, and will put walls up to block them out faster than if they tried to harm me with a weapon. The rest of the world sees it, but they find it somehow acceptable to deny. The world seems to accept male to male interactions as “just being male”, and for some reason denies it is in any way gay. But it totally is. Also, most of our world encourages males to hide their feelings toward another male. This too is something I cannot connect to. Call it what it is, and stop lying about it. Even in non-sexual areas of life (yes, I am aware of the irony that “to a male, there is no part of life that is not sexual.”) I cannot find a connection to most males. So to suggest that I might find sexual pleasure with a human that I cannot connect to in any way, cannot find attractive, and cannot understand would be like saying I should have sex with an empty toilet-paper tube. Either way… No thanks. Do not mistake this as hatred toward males. I do not hate males. I simply do not understand most of them…. Nor do I understand the connection most females find in males.

 I have no problem with the penises of the males in this world. I do have a problem with how sexual everyone makes a penis. I have a problem with how nobody can see a penis, and not think of it in a sexual way.

THAT Is Exactly What I have a problem with, causes me my own embarrassments, and makes the fact that I was born with a penis a problem. I have a penis. It gets in the way. It often gets hard, and I feel I must hide it from the world. Writing about the hitchhiker caused me to realize how much I have again gone back into hiding my penis, and being ashamed, embarrassed, and mortified that anyone might notice I have reactions. To have a reaction, and not desire anything sexual, or wish to orgasm is a huge trouble for me.  Why Would it be such a trouble, and Why Have I gotten so easily humiliated, and allowed myself to be Mortified if I get an erection?

Why Is This Subject So hard For Me?:

This post is such a hard one to write (no pun intended.) It is one of the most difficult subjects I have ever put into words. When I began to write about the hitchhiker, I realized how much I needed to explore this, and figure out why I imprison myself so much. This writing has caused me to finally be able to say what it is I want to hide. I have had a flood of emotions that have resurfaced because of how deep this goes with me. It is amazing how just the act of writing out my feelings can make me re-live, and feel exactly what I thought I had long ago left behind, and buried. Last night while writing about my first ejaculation, and how I hated it so much, not only did I find the words to describe how it felt, but also I Physically felt it again. I got physically sick just by connecting to that time so long ago, got a crippling headache, and even threw-up.  I had to leave the writing until this morning.

I have never denied that I am a feeling-based individual. Often those feelings are crippling. I have so much more I need to write about erections, and how they affect me (both good and bad!), but for now, I must leave it as it is. Thank You for Caring enough to read my thoughts. I know I write long posts, but I have a lot to sort, and finally let out. The searching, understanding, and finding ways to put so many feelings into words is such a free-ing experience! Yeah, it hurts so much some times to delve into the hidden parts of my soul, and re-live such experiences... But it also feels so good to finally be able to Be Free! I Hope You Allow Yourself to Find Your Freedoms in Life!

If there is anything you wish to ask, or might be curious about me, how my body works, or how I feel about anything, Please feel free to ask! Who knows... I might just learn something about myself, too! I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY! (and that your erections are good, in whatever way is good for you! ~=:-)