Betty, I am Sorry

It wasn’t you. It was Me.

I am 47 and I think I might finally be growing-up.

I owe an apology and a hug to someone I hurt 10 years ago.
Betty. I am sorry.
You have been on my heart a lot this week. Actually lots more than this week. You have been on my heart since I hurt you ten years ago. But most of that time was filled with resentment, hatred, and anger. This last month, I realized I was the one who hurt you.

~Gasp! Whaaaat?? You mean I might have been wrong? You mean I might have learned, grown, and finally seen the view from another’s eyes??  As shocking as this may be to some, I actually do this quite often. I love learning, having my eyes opened, and growing in life. What is shocking is that it took me ten years to notice it this time.

Sooo, why am I actually saying I am sorry to someone ten years later, instead of just letting it go, and forgetting about it? Someone who I have not seen, or heard from in ten-years, and have no idea if I would actually ever cross her path again? Because sometimes just letting it go will never close the wound. Sometimes we gotta do what is best for the one we hurt, and let them know we are sorry. 

Today is the start of my weekend. I usually like to just relax, sip my coffee, sort pictures from my last week’s journeys, and not have to do anything of real importance. Today, however, as soon as I began sipping my first cuppa coffee, I started putting my thoughts into words. I do not write as much anymore, although I really find writing my thoughts can be quite therapeutic. I seem to rather work on creative projects, be in the sun, and just let my mind wander without forming actual sensible thoughts. Today, I knew I needed to spend a couple hours finalizing what I felt for the past few weeks.

Ten years ago, was 2005. I was just beginning to learn who I truly was. I was learning to once again learn how to live naked, learn how to accept who I am, and allow some freedoms to be explored. My life was turned upside down, I was in turmoil with my employment, finances, and relationships. Nothing was stable, nothing was balanced. Everything was new, and I was struggling to find who I really was. I was not in a stable home-environment, and had no true place to call my home. I was offered a place to live by Betty. I will not go into the details of the living arrangement, nor details of other issues I was struggling with.

But Betty opened up her home, and provided me with an opportunity that at the time actually was a blessing.  For the most part, everything in the home was great. Some of my own insecurities became the issues, when she already knew who she was, and what her comfort-levels were. I took some of her comforts and how she openly said her views toward me personally, and hurtful. It has taken me 10-years to actually see how she was the one who had the freedom, expressed that freedom, and welcomed me to also accept that freedom. She accepted me for who I was, even though I had not yet figured all that out.  Her freedoms and expressions actually scared me. I tried to express my fear, but it never quite came out the right way. Mostly because I still had not figured-out who I really was.

What I find interesting is that there were four of us who lived in the same house. For the most part, it was totally safe, totally comfortable, and I should have realized how wonderful it was. But like I said, It was not you. It was me.

When I left, and how I left was wrong. I hurt a lot of people in the way I left. I have addressed many of those hurts through the years. Most I noticed right away. But this one took me ten-years to understand. For ten-years I carried the burden of what I thought was how I was the one who hurt. When it hit me last month, and I really started searching what I felt, believed, and understood, IT HIT ME HARD!

This past month, weeks, and days This has been totally in my heart, mind, and soul. It hurts. But somehow in a good way. Healing, learning, understanding is not always pleasant. But once I find why I was searching, feeling, and having it on my heart, and consuming my soul, The letting it be felt, and getting it out there is a freedom that is unmatched by anything else. It would be sooo much easier sometimes to just pretend it does not exist. But in my quest to be free, I must grab hold of the chains I have bound myself and others with, and learn to break to those chains, and let the other know I am releasing the chains.  It is not easy to actually notice sometimes the chains we are bound with are created by our own doing. And at the same time, we cast chains upon another that we never noticed, until we finally feel the weight holding us down when we try to fly free.

It is not so much that I am on a quest suddenly to be free, and have peace. This is something that has been a process since I finally realized in 2004 that I had put myself into a prison of chains for the previous 24 years. (I go into great detail about that imprisonment from the age of 12 thru the age of 36 in previous blogs, so will not go into those depths here.) But Once I realized Freedom and Peace are THE BEST places to be in life, I have sought every step of the journey to see how I could work more toward those destinations. I know all too well that these are not instant, nor immediate. I know it is a journey. Slowly, steadily, one step at a time. 

My All-time Favorite Keychain is this one:

Cara sent it to me right after I left Betty’s house in 2005. It has lost some of its sparkle, gems, and flair over the years, but it still holds the same meaning. It is on my keyring every day, everywhere I go. It is nestled right next to my pennies that contain: an Angel, a Cross, and a Smiley. It is true. The journey IS our daily life. Each step we take is going to take us one direction or another. In 2004, I discovered I needed to find that freedom. In 2005, I took a giant step that simultaneously launched me into a “New” freedom path, and at the same time launched me into a spiraling imprisonment. During that giant step, it was for the good and the bad simultaneously.

I learned from that almost instantly. I learned that to find freedom, it is not always good to take sudden drastic steps in another direction. I learned that those steps have consequences, set-backs, and create more-difficult chains to break. BUT I also learned that Letting go of things that are not healthy is a very positive step. Now I just needed to learn a balance, and to learn to let them go in a less-harsh manner.  In 2005, I was scared to admit some (Most!) of my feelings, beliefs, and thoughts. I felt it was best to just run from them.

In My Running, I learned more than I ever hoped I would. In the next ten years after that running, I have learned how to moderate the changes in a more-positive way. I have realized why I am on This Earth, why I am not yet allowed to die, and why I need to keep searching, learning, and moving one-step at a time. I have learned how to be more spiritually connected to the Universe, how to understand what is harmful, and what is helpful. I have learned how to accept others, the same as I would like them to accept me. I still have plenty to learn, and am by no means there yet. It is a Journey … One of which I am still meant to keep exploring, living, and understanding.

Betty, I know you probably do not fully understand everything I am saying, because I probably never told you, or made it very clear that I felt you hurt me. But I want to make sure You know I now know you never hurt me in any way. I hurt myself. I hurt you. I am Sorry. If and when our paths cross, I will happily give you a big Hug. (until a few months ago, I likely would have avoided you.) I am sorry.

I cannot change anything from the past, nor am I attempting to. I Can however admit that I was wrong, And let you know. 

Some people may wonder why I am publishing an appology in My Blog, instead of just privately sending it to Betty? Because in my quest to be free, I also have found that sharing my thoughts with others helps more than just me, or in this case more than just Betty. I make mistakes. I learn from my mistakes. I help others. If One person on this Earth sees this, and is inspired by it to make their world a happier place, then my effort is more than doubled. Also, I publish it to show I am not ashamed, or with to hide who I am. I publish it so those who wish to know me better can learn about me and my journey at their comfort-level. In all reality, I know I have hurt many along my journey in life. I want everyone to know I seek to make those hurts better, and am not proud of them.

Now, enough of this Mushy-stuff! Let's get back to the Silly, goofy stuff! :)

OK, OK, so I started the blog with "I might finally be growing up" ... Let's not get too drastic. I will still always embrace the kid-at-heart approach in life. Remember, I also said "Nothing drastic" ...

Farewell Summer, The Final (Skinny) Dip?

Happy Fall! Happy Last Dip of Summer!

Yesterday was the last official day of Summer.

So many things I love about this photo:

Well, I did not go to enjoy the pool because it was the last day of Summer. I went because I could :) Took an extra day off work so I could be sure to have at least a moment free for Caitlin, before she had to leave town again. Even a short Visit with a dear friend is better than no visit at all.  There is something quite pleasing about knowing you took a paid-day off from work, and you are getting paid for having an absolutely wonderful day!

I got up before the sun, went to join Caitlin for breakfast, and enjoy what little time we had before she hit the road back to LA. Caitlin is similarly like minded and free as I am. So when it came time for a few playful pictures before she left, it was a no brainer… and of course, Google took all our goofy pics, and made this Awesome GIF :)

After she departed, I went to visit another dear friend, Frankie. Oh, it is too long between cherished visits! Then, I decided to take care of the few errands/ shopping I needed to do, so I would have the entire rest of my paid day off to enjoy the final day of Summer.  I had not given it much thought, just went with whatever flowed easily.

I also had done all my laundry on Saturday (my normal day off) so I was as free as possible on Sunday. Also on Saturday, I managed to finish writing a blog I had hoped to get done (you might find it interesting, and gain a bit of understanding about when I was Suicidal). Other than a few photos, it was ready to publish. It was wonderful that I felt so free. I decided to go soak up what little bit of sun, warmth, and water I could before it got too cold as Fall was fast gripping the region.

I Live in Las Vegas, Nevada. Summer seems to last much much longer when you live in The Desert. But we cannot take it for granted. As soon as September comes, even though the mid-day temperatures are still in the 90’s, and occasionally hold on at 100, there is no denying the Fall is taking away our Summer. Once September comes, The Earth’s tilt is evident as the Sun Suddenly no longer shines on The Pool, and only a small sliver of pool deck is in the sun. The water quickly loses its heat, and The Earth once again matches the temp of the water. While the water easily is above 80 degrees in July and August, come September, it dips to 60, even into the 50’s real fast. To me, That is COLD! I will still get in and swim, but I gotta keep my dips short, and get into the sliver of sun as fast as possible to regain my body’s temp.

After I had found just enough sunshine, placed my lounge, arranged my towels, I went for a swim. This was my view as I stood on the first step. 

See the Wall of clouds over Yonder? To me it looked like a wall of waves rolling toward me. The clouds were seeming like the giant wave about to wipe out the sandcastles built on the beach.  A reminder that those castles are only temporary, much like summer is. The wave is coming to wipe out the summer castles on the beach.

Notice the sun does not actually shine on the pool any more, just on the tiny corner of the deck. This photo captures the cold of the water, the sunny warmth of the air, and the fleeting sun’s beam in which I could lay. As you look upon this photo, feel the cold water rippling gently against your feet and legs. Watch those clouds roll and build like a giant wave about to wipe out the sandcastle of summer. Feel how cold the water is. Feel the warmth in the wind. Take another step, feel the cold water grip your more sensitive regions. Oh! It feels wonderfully refreshing, yet you also notice how cold it really is. You ponder: do you really want to immerse yourself completely? Or is just wading to this depth good enough?

You know THIS May be The Last Time you enter the pool.

You decide to go for it, knowing that sunny lounge is right there to warm your cold bits.

Oh boy, Here goes!

I waded one more step, so I would not splash much. (I like to gently get into the water, not jump in.) I love the sensation of feeling every ripple, the variances of the layers of temperatures in the different depths, the feel of the gentle currents. As I stood about to take what might easily be The Last Dip of Summer, I decided Today was a Skinny Dip Occasion. This pool is hardly secluded, is totally a fish-bowl, and visible to anyone who happens to glance this way. I skinny dipped once before in Early August when I first moved here, so I already knew I could if the time was right. Today, it felt right. I slid my shorts down to my ankles, dipped to my shoulders, and pushed off allowing my shorts to float free behind me as I went. Oh, How I miss true freedom! This Summer seemed to present less naked freedom than most in my recent past. Skinny Dipping is one of the most free things I enjoy. The irony that My Final Dip of Summer happened to fall on a Sunday Afternoon, and I was getting paid for it was not lost. THIS was THE MOST CHERISHED SKINNY DIP!!

I Love to swim!! I Love to Skinny Dip! I usually do not enjoy cold water, But this time, I seemed to not feel cold. I swam underwater all the way to one end and back. (Mind you, this pool is tiny, so don’t think I am some sort of miracle swimmer.) But The Freedom was so wonderful. The feel of the water against every cell of my bare body was delightful! I came up for a breath at the same place I started. I was going to call it “good enough” and get out. Yes I was cold already. I normally would get out into the sun by the time I was this cold. But I knew I NEEDED to savor as much of this as possible. THIS WAS MY LAST DIP OF SUMMER. I always know that such choices come with consequences. My body has Zero insulation, and I get dangerously cold Very fast. But I felt the danger was worth it today. I Knew there was my tiny spot of Sun for warming, and knew I did not need to be totally mind-alert the rest of the day, so what the heck, go for the cold-induced Coma, right?

I swam many more laps. I did not count, nor do I have any idea how many minutes I was in the water. At one point, I noticed one of my neighbors had brought a chair onto the balcony. She was smiling, and watching. I did not mind. I never worry about the ones who can see the enjoyment in simply living life without barriers. I used to live in fear. I used to panic at the “What if’s” when I might be seen. Part of the joy in finding freedom is learning to live in the moment, not live in fear, and never get a chance to enjoy life. The freedom was great, but I was very cold, and needed to get into the sun. When My body reaches that point, I must get it warm immediately. (Yes, even nekkid, there is too much of a good thing, and it can turn not-so-good.)At the point when I decided I was Too cold, I was dangerously close to becoming unconscious. I was at the deep end, and could not manage to stay in the water even one more lap. I climbed out using the deep-end ladder, and while I really wanted to just immediately go lay in the sun, I Knew I could not be so free outside of the water. I walked to where my shorts were floating by the steps. The lady on the balcony giggled as I bent to retrieve them. Odd as it may seem, even when cold has shriveled me to almost non-noticable size, I still do not mind others noticing, as long as they are not mean about it. Pretty sure she was just giggling at the overall freedom I had found. (I later found out it was the freedom, AND the cold-effect she was giggling at, but she was in no way mean, just enjoying the moment. She came to visit me in my apartment later, and mentioned she loved the freedom I lived by. She also laughed and mentioned she was glad to see I had gotten warmer.)

I put my shorts on, and went quickly to my sunny spot. I fell asleep almost immediately, since the cold had zapped all my energy. But that, too turned into a cherished thing. Napping in the sun after such a great swim, was so refreshing! I slept for almost an hour in the sun. This of course helped keep up my now wanting to fade tan. Yay! Still Tan for at least another week! As Fall overtakes the region, I will quickly turn pale again.

My Final Swim and Skinny Dip of Summer will Always be Cherished.

Yup! This is my pool. Hardly secluded. This sign happens to be here,
I took this in the end of August, then added the word Skinny to it.
I wonder if The City really had any idea how true this sign was when they placed it....

Naked Camping in Vermont

Naked camping in Vermont

~Oh My!~ 

(But You Thought Vermont was "Pure")

I have written many times in the past about some of the most cherished camping trips. They range from early childhood all the way to recent. Almost all of my most cherished involve freedom, acceptance, and complete bonding with nature. Some feel camping is all about connecting with nature. Some think it means packing all of your house, and going to spend time with your possessions someplace else. 

When I mention “freedom”, what comes to your mind? For some it is something connected to the country we live-in. Yes Some flat-out believe their “Freedom” is somehow a United States of America thing. They are welcome to believe this. For me, America is not the symbol of freedom. To Me, Freedom is what we each do to bring balance to our own spirit, mind, and soul. For me, Freedom means peace, unity, and connected spiritually with our world, our universe, and most important one's own self.

Yes, Freedom to me is Not about laws, rights, and what America says it stands-for. For me, most of America is actually not free. If we were truly free, simple nakedness would not be a rarity, but rather an every-day, normal, accepted, and not hated thing. In most places in The U.S., there are not laws prohibiting nakedness, but people seem to think there are. Yep, Americans somehow have come to view the human body as two things: First they see it as sexual. Second: they see it as shameful, illegal, and that it should be hidden. I cannot understand how either of these have come to be “The Normal”.

If America was truly the land of the free, we would be allowed to be naked (which is fully LEGAL) and not be treated like we were the ones breaking the law. Most police officers will admit they would arrest someone for nakedness, yet they would not have a lawful reason for this action. When discussing this with police, they are convinced naked is illegal. When you show them the laws, and show them it is not illegal, they still say they would “Find another reason to arrest you”. Now you tell me, is this Truly the “Land of the Free?

So, You ask: Why am I bringing this up right now? Well, I happened to come across an old writing from long ago (9 Years ago!) that I never published about camping Naked in Vermont. In My search for what life truly is all about, I have found many things that bring life, joy, and freedom. Also interesting is how The path to attempting suicide actually became the path to Life! I am in the process of puting together my views and reasons why attempting suicide many years ago actually was THE BEST thing I could have done in life. Until you have actually gone down the path of attempting suicide, you can never truly have an opinion about it, nor can you understand it. One of my greatest treasures is that I can share these feelings, thoughts, and struggles with others. Even if I help one person along the way, My struggles are worth it. But even bigger is I Have Learned to Help Myself. 

Sometimes, The Greatest gems are not the thoughts we have on a subject from nine years ago, but rather the thoughts we wrote about that subject nine years ago, and are just now re-discovering. Nine years ago, August 2005, I Discovered Life....

I Discovered a campground that I knew I would love to Die at. Sounds morbid, right? But instead of death, I found life. 

In Vermont, one campground had pit-toilets, yet had a large unisex shower-building, with no roof. This shower-building was one large open square concrete room with shower heads all around the walls. There were no partitions, and not even a full set of walls. The concrete floor was moss-covered and had assorted leaves, twigs, and pine needles all over it. It was almost like the natural forest floor. The entrance was a large, wide opening simply facing the forest, with no partitions to block it. Just one wide-open square gang-shower for all to share at the same time. There were no benches, or even an area that was supposed to remain dry. With no roof, and not even full-walls, I expected cold water. I was surprised to find it had plenty of hot water! It was unusual in how it was built.

It was a campground, yet there was not even a place to pay for a night of camping. The showers were free, too. The camp was very primitive, and seemed like maybe it was long ago designed as camp where only boys or only girls (Or men, or women) camped without the opposite sex. Only camped... Like a retreat, or something like that. It was not far from a major (well two-lanes was major in Vermont!) Highway, and got a lot of traffic from day-travelers, yet few camped. The place was not even marked with signs on the highway, but the mossy, forested little road was inviting. There was a "Camp-symbol" on the map, but nothing indicating this place existed on the road.

It seemed it was currently used more as a day-rest-area along a small-country road, although it was still listed as a campground. As soon as you pulled off the highway, you felt like you had escaped, and were totally in nature. The paths and small roads were mossy, covered in fallen leaves, branches, and seemed very peaceful. You could see where previously large buildings existed, also seeming to have a past that invited groups for special retreats. As you drove up from the highway, there still existed a sign about the "rules" of this campground, but that was the only proof it really was a campground. 

From the moment you entered, you knew this was a place of freedom. I did not hesitate one minute. I Knew I would camp here. I also knew I would find a way to die here. ... Or so I thought. At the time I actually was angry that I was finding life, but now I am glad.

I parked just a few yards up the road. It felt so free, I immediately stripped all my closthes except my hat and boots. I knew this place was safe, free, and comfortable. I walked up the road, discovering the camp extended many acres in many directions up the hillside, and again down into a hidden valley. As I entered the valley, I discovered a couple of families were camped here also. The shower "building" was near the highway, yet far enough that it was not seen from the road. The "main parking" area was also right near the shower, so it invited the day-travelers, and rest-stop seekers, yet did not discourage the feeling to be totally free. As I walked around I saw one family coming out of the showers, completely naked, except for shoes, and walk back to their camp, over the hill and into the valley. They showered and walked about completely naked, not caring if anyone else came along. The couple of families I encountered did not blink or give a second-look at me while I explored naked. They said their normal friendly greetings, but nothing more. I was glad to find friendly people that were not overly friendly, nor nosey about what I sought in life (or death). 

Oddly enough, while seeking death, it is amazing how much of a facade I placed all around me. Some who do not understand suicide think it is shocking, or beat themselves up for "not seeing the signs", when in reality, there ARE NO SIGNS, and the one seeking death will NEVER let another know. That is the irony in suicidal thoughts. To anyone not completely tuned-in to the suicidal person's soul, NOBODY can see they are extremely sad. 

One of the beautiful things about a place like this is that nobody would care if I was naked. Nobody here would care if i wanted to die. It definitely had true freedom. Often families would pull-in to rest a bit, have a picnic, play, and have a relaxing afternoon. The kids always delighted at the idea of being allowed to shower "in a forest", and would beg their parents to be allowed to do exactly that. They delighted in the idea that they could view a naked human and it not be considered shameful, scary, or forbidden. Here, people easily shed their "societal imprisonments". They loved the idea that it was a safe place where they could be allowed to play naked.  The parents were funny in how they would react to their kids’ desire to shower naked in the forest, but a shower should be no different than any other form of water outdoors. The pure and simple joy of enjoying water without bulky fabrics making it uncomfortable, and awkward should never be a surprise, but for some reason many adults forget to enjoy the simple and pure pleasures life gives us freely. Once they would give-in, it was hardly just a shower naked. The kids were given their freedom, and often the parents would forget to make them be so hidden, allowing them to actually play. It also is amazing how it takes nature, and children to remind adults how to relax.

It was funny how for the showering, nobody was concerned about being naked, but when the kids would want to run free all over the forest, at first, the parents seemed surprised. The joy that a kid (or any human) has when they are allowed to run naked, play and experience nature in the forest is unmatched by any other experience. The feeling of being allowed to get dirty, completely, without any clothes, or worry of “making mom upset about dirty clothes” was a freedom any kid would cherish. The joy, wonder, and feeling of actually being allowed to truly connect with our Earth, without blocking it with unneccessary fabrics, or other barriers is unmatched in discovering "Pure". Of course what started as a desire to take a shower in the forest became a full-day of showering, then getting completely filthy and then showering again. 

The parents would watch in bewildered amusement, thinking how silly the children were. It usually did not take long for a child to ask the parent why they were still wearing clothes, and sitting on a log watching, instead of enjoying the day. Most adults just laugh those inquiries off, not quite grasping how much the child knows and can teach (or remind) the adult who has forgotten what is truly important in life. Occasionally one or both of the parents would strip, and join the freedom. Oddly, it is usually the mother who would join, seldom the father. 

Now, I ask you, What in Your Mind is "Pure"? Sure we all thought Vermont was "Pure". But some think "Naked" and "Vermont-Pure" could not belong in the same sentence. I guess ya gotta ask yourself why you would view simply pure nature as somehow not-so-pure. Have you ever allowed yourself to learn to live? I have ... But it took dying to learn to live. I Hope you find life before you die.

The Last Place I thought I Would...

Would You Sunbathe and Skinny Dip Downtown Las Vegas?

I Guess we all want to know: Would I??

How About some Photos to help understand what Downtown Vegas Really is: This view above would likely make your decision much easier. I mean This Pretty much screams "Naked Time!" 

But What about the one below? (the pool is in the lower right inside the fence.)

Well, I previously would have said “Not Likely”.

Then I likely would have followed it by: “Well, It Depends.”

Depends on What? You might ask? Well, lots of things. For me naked, and natural needs to be comfortable, safe, and in a place I can be totally free, not worry about anything, and just relax. I NEVER get naked for attention, a thrill, or for a challenge. Yes, I know Downtown is Exactly the kind of place those who seem to think naked is a “dare”, “only for sexual/ wild/ drunken/ or when you wish to misbehave” kind of activity. Those kind of people, of course would use Downtown as a reason for a thrill, or a “take a risk” kind of reason to get naked. They Want to be seen, risk “Getting Caught”, get a thrill. None of those apply to me. Not even the sexual part. Yup, you read that right. I do not like sex, do not seek sex, do not have sex. Period. To Me Naked is freedom, peace, nature, and natural. The LAST thing I ever want is someone (or many someones) to look at me, notice me, or pay attention to me simply because I am naked.

So, Why does this subject come up? Well, I am currently living in “One of THOSE Places” (see that blog HERE.) Yup, I moved recently into one of those Weekly Rentals Downtown Vegas. My first opinion was “Nope, cannot ever be naked here, nor did I think I would swim, let alone sunbathe… Boy was I wrong! (And I am Glad, too!)

I NEVER imagined I would swim in a place like this, let alone sunbathe. That is how safe this place really is for me. Why would I have previously NEVER swam here, let alone sunbathe, too? Well, the pool is right next to the street, with no privacy. Also the buildings wrap around two sides of the pool, with every door and window facing the pool. The Only entrance gate to motel is right next to the pool. In short, if you use the pool, you totally are on display. You feel like you are watched by every resident, every passing vehicle, and everyone walking past on the sidewalk, too. The pool is tiny, so even if you swim alone, it feels crowded, add another swimmer, and it would feel like you are squeezed into a bathtub with someone (and NOT in a the cuddle/ snuggle/ fun awkward sort of way ... But in the must share a bath with someone you’ve never met kind of way.)

There are so many things about me that I really never care if people see, watch, or am visible about. But oddly enough, when I lay in the sun, or swim, I would rather not feel like I am “on display”. Yes, I totally know it is silly, and totally know why I feel this way. (Maybe one day I will write those reasons in a blog…) It is just one of those areas I am fully aware of how it makes me feel, and while I have come a long way in what does not bother me, the sunbathing in public view has always been a hurdle for me.  There have been all too many times in my life I just decided to skip swimming, or soaking up my much needed and loved sunshine, because I am not in a totally safe, comfortable environment. I know it is my own biggest struggle. And for the most part, A silly one, too. But it is still real, and it does create a problem that only I can overcome.

Well, I DID sunbathe here, and EVEN Skinny Dipped, Too! I was quite surprised that I even decided I would go swimming, because when I first got my room, I thought I never would, except possibly late at night… But This Past Saturday, the timing was right. I felt I was ready. I mean, really, I had already been seen nekkid by many of my neighbors, I had been seen in that Pink Bikini with Flamingos on it, and had been seen plenty in my short-shorts spandex fun pants. What could possibly keep me from enjoying the pool and sunshine?? Well, I first put on my baggy, and longer swim trunks… Ya know, for more to hide me, right? But then I decided, NOPE! I Gotta be ME! I put on my short-short, (and slightly snug, too!) trunks. I went and started my laundry, while wearing those and a Large, Baggy T-shirt. The Laundry is right next to the pool. There was another resident already sunning on a lounge. She said hi as I went to laundry. (Oh good, not so scary!) Yes, even Me, the bold, outgoing, brave, and confident one can be timid and shy sometimes.

 I took my laundry basket and soap back up to my apartment. Decided I was ready. Now was the time!

So of course I marched confidently out to the pool, and enthusiastically leapt into the water, swam wildly and joyously… Right?

Ummm. No. The Mighty Warrior ready to be brave and be on display for all to admire how confident and strong, and unshakeable He was would take away all the fear! Oh, wait! HAHAHAHAHA umm, no.

I grabbed my towels, and bottle of water, and took the long way to the pool, walking all the way around the outside of the buildings, to have yet to enter the pool-side area. I approached the pool from the third floor. Looking down on it, watching for any sign that I should flee. Then went to the second level, and scouted it all out again. Finally down to the ground level, and cautiously opened the gate. Oh No! The other lady looked at me as I did! ~meemp~! Mighty warrior I am, all shriveled-up, wishing my invisibility cloak would work right now. But I decided I would still enter. But no swimming, no sunbathing! Nobody can look at me that way. I arranged my towels. Then moved the lounge, rearranged the towels again, took off my sandals, put them back on, then took them off again. I had successfully managed to waste maybe a full minute, maybe two. Ugh, I had not even come close to wasting enough time that I could go transfer my clothes to the Dryer. Oh, maybe I’ll look at my phone… That should make the time go by! Would you believe there was not even One new notification! Sigh. I have managed to waste maybe a whole five minutes.

Finally (yeah, finally… like a whole six minutes later…) I took off my hat, my shirt, and went to the pool. Did I just jump-in to disappear into the water where I “could be invisible”? No. I went to the steps, decided to enjoy it, relax, and just feel every bit of the wonderful sensation of that sun, the water, the breeze, the gentle currents in the water, the different layers of temperature, and admire ALL I was feeling! This was wonderful!!

The Water is MAGIC. Something about water that always takes me into THE MOST FREE Place! In the water, I can meditate, escape, let every care in the world float out and be free. When I swim, once I forget all my fears, I AM FREE. Totally Free. I often do not even give it any thought, I just allow myself to float, feel, escape, and find the inner balance I was needing. Often, I will just allow myself to sink. The way my body is made, I cannot totally float, nor can I totally sink. But when I relax, I can be half-way in between … No part of me touching the air above, no part touching the surface below. When I am doing this, I am FREE. This is when I often just remove my shorts. At this point, I KNOW I am safe, nothing can harm me, and I am Completely FREE. Other than Water, there is NOT a single item on this Earth I am touching. I also know when this moment happens, there is not a soul that will object, and very few will even seem to notice.

I mentioned earlier my fears about being “On Display”. Well, it is funny, but when I find my safe-place, and can also get nekkid, I seem to become invisible. People just do not seem to notice, care, or look twice when this happens. I truly believe When I can let-go, and just be, so does the normally judgemental view of those I might be near. But it DOES require the people who might be near to also embrace the spirit that is around. Those who have a welcoming, gentle spirit will never care, notice, or look twice at a person who happens to be naked in that spirit. It only is an issue with those who are not open, welcoming, and have not found the spirit, the openness to love, peace, and comfort. THIS Exactly sums up what was wrong with the roommate situation I just left, and why I Ended up in a Weekly. Amazing as it is that “Those people”, meaning all that happen to live in a Weekly have a more-gentle, open-spirit than the one who asked me to be her roommate. To her Naked was never comfortable, and I NEVER could feel safe, comfortable, or free if I was naked around her. (Even though she claims to be comfortable with naked. To her, Naked is sexual, and if she sees someone naked, she automatically is sexual, so she has no idea how to behave when it is simply naked, not at all sexual, which makes it extremely uncomfortable, unsafe, and unhealthy. Supposedly she is a massage therapist, and supposedly does massages on fully naked people. Yet, she acts like she has never before seen the human body, gawking, uncomfortable, and even asking rude questions when she sees any skin. Sorry, but if someone accepts the human body, and is comfortable with it, nakedness, and skin, they do not act surprised, gawk, stare and ask rude questions like they have never before seen it. A three year old has more tact around naked than this person did.) So the irony of finding Safety in a Weekly motel in downtown Vegas is huge!

I also mentioned the other lady who was at the pool: She already proved to be safe, comfortable, and open to freedom. While I was under water, and had removed my shorts, her friend came to join her at the pool, and they both had sat on the edge, with their feet dangling in the water. When I remove my shorts, I just let them float free. While under water, I totally escape, but still feel every ripple in the water. I knew exactly where the two of them were with their feet in the water. They were just a few feet behind me. (And, No I was not worried, because I already knew I was safe, and they were too!) I came up for a breath of air, and turned to say hi to them. The one who came while I was under and nekkid, smiled, said “Hi Friend”. The one who had said hi earlier just smiled, and said “They floated over there”, indicating where my shorts had drifted to. Neither of them cared.

This Picture is from another pool, another time, But it shows my shorts just floating free :)

 I noticed a guy on the third floor balcony, also leaning on the railing watching and smiling. He was holding a little dog, which appeared to be almost stiff, and like a taxidermied animal. (He later came to the pool and told me the story of why his dog looked like that.) I gave him a smile and a wave. He smiled, and waved back. I swam some laps, still nekkid, and even while I did one of the women got in and swam some. I mentioned it is a tiny pool, so it was not like we were totally in separate areas. We totally were in each others’ bubble, but it was safe and comfortable. I heard my phone alarm going off, meaning it was time to move my laundry. Now my shorts had drifted right next to the other woman’s feet. I swam to her, she handed me my shorts, Grinning, and I put them on before stepping out of the water.

I changed my laundry to The Dryer, and went to Sunbathe while they dried. Sunbathing nekkid is different than swimming nekkid, so I had to keep my shorts on while out of the water. But I totally felt I did not need to hide, so I tucked the legs up, and the waist down so I was covered, but barely. Ahhh… Soak up as much sun as I can! 

find the calm

Another lady I’d met in the building named Renee came by. She smiled, and asked if she could join me. Of Course! She was not interested in chatting at all, but was happy to lay on a lounge next to me absorbing the sun. She promptly fell asleep, smiling and looking like she had just found the safest spot to finally relax. She was not there to sunbathe. I have no idea what her story is, but the two times she has come around, she seems heavily burdened, but finds moments to escape and relax near me. She napped for quite a while.

My clothes finished drying. I went and gathered them, then took my whole laundry pile back to the pool, and went for another swim. Renee was still napping. This time, I did not remove my shorts. She woke while I was swimming. Looked at me, grinned groggily and said, “Not Naked This Time?” I blushed! But she quickly said “No, it is totally OK!” I went to the edge where she was on her lounge. Asked if she enjoyed her nap. The smile on her face told it all. She definitely was in some sort of stressful situation, and found comfort near me, where she could escape life for a brief moment. She told me she had watched me from “somewhere up there”, pointing to the third floor balcony. I asked where she lived. She asked me what time it was. I told her where my phone was. She looked at it, then said she had to go. She left, now again looking worried and stressed. I was glad She found a few moments of peace. From the pool, I could not see which apartment she went into.

I got out and napped in the sun again. I did notice every person who walked by, drove by, came and went from the apartments all looked my way. But nobody stared, nobody made me uncomfortable. Many did a double-take, because they are simply not used to seeing a man wearing as little as possible sunbathing in a “public place”. I stayed at the pool another two hours. The sun was setting, and it was time to go make dinner, get ready for the work week, and back into the normal daily grind. I decided to take one more skinny dip. This time, dropping my shorts on the steps as I entered, instead of under the “cover” of the water. As soon as I did, I heard a giggle from the third floor balcony.

 I knew it was Renee J  I pretended not to notice, and went for my last nekkid swim of the week. When I came up for air, I could see her peering and smiling from above. I gave her a wave. She waved and smiled, then looked over her shoulder to see if anyone had seen her watching. Then she went around the corner again. I swam back to my shorts, climbed out, put them on as I did, and dried off before heading upstairs.

I totally NEVER expected I would live in a Weekly, totally never thought I could or would swim, sunbathe, or skinnydip in a place like this. Interesting how I allowed myself to become imprisoned for the past 8 months, and only once I finally decided to save my own life, did I discover how much I needed to be in this exact place.

Yup. I LIVE in ONE OF THOSE PLACES. I Like it. Good thing! Because as I was writing this I learned how crooked Vegas is, and how they keep people from leaving bad situations. Too bad for them, that I am tougher, and WILL REFUSE to remain in an unhealthy situation. But I also have learned how come so many in Vegas will stay in a Very bad Situation. They would rather suffer, and be miserable, than Risk being homeless, or having to pay exorbitant rent amounts because their safety is not a priority. Sorry, but My Safety is more important than being able to afford to eat at restaurants. I will pay high rent, and eat cheap for the next few months, thank you very much!

What about You? Would You Skinnidip in Downtown Las Vegas?

I Hope You Find Your Safe Place. :)

Yup, I Live in One of THOSE places:

Yup, I Live in One of THOSE places:

(AND I LIKE IT!)

We’ve all heard, seen, and noticed THOSE places we thought we would NEVER Live.

The Weekly Motel. The “Flexible-stay” living places. No, I am not referring to the ones that are for the business traveler, or even the family-style. I am talking about the ones in Vegas that are “Cheap”, trashy, and full of people that for one reason or another need someplace to stay that cannot or will not live in a “Regular Apartment”.

We’ve all had our own impression, stereotypes, and beliefs about what sort of people live in these. We tend to believe it is the ones who are on drugs, the tweekers, alcoholics, felons, poor, thugs, trashy, hopeless, mentally-disturbed, unstable, etc etc. It is easy to judge these “places” from a quick glance, a drive-by, or just what we have pre-determined to choose to believe as what or who lives in these places.

These weekly places do not check any background, do not require a lease of any sort, no deposit, or even proof of income, driver license, insurance, or any of the things that would seem to determine “responsible” citizens. They also do not require a credit card, bank account, or any other sort of “financial responsibility”. So, you might ask what it takes to be able to call one of these “Home”? Cash. Simple as that. Pay for your week, give them some basic information (which is never verified), agree to the “rules” of the place (which are minimal) and they give you a key to your new home for the next week.  They even include ALL Utilities. As long as you do not break the rules (too badly anyhow) you get to stay the entire week. What happens at the end of your paid week? You either leave by noon, or pay another week. There is no option for waiting past noon. If you do not pay, you will be removed and cited for trespassing.

They actually give you two keys. One for the locked gate to access the buildings, pool, laundry room, and walkways. One for your new home. Yup, a gated-community. Special, huh? Yeah, not really. As you well-know, a gate or fence is not really to keep anyone out that really wants to get in. It is merely a “suggestion” to keep those out who do not have a key. But with any community, it will have what exists outside the gate and fence also inside the fences. So you plan wisely, and choose a neighborhood that will not be a problem to live in… Umm, Plan?? Sorry, but when choosing to live in a weekly, a “Plan” is not usually what motivates someone to call one of these home.

I think there are many words that would better describe deciding to live in a weekly than “plan”: Chance, circumstance, necessity, survival, desperation, or even faith. Those are all words that describe the reasons many live in a weekly. Plan is usually not one of the reasons. Everyone has a different story. Everyone has different circumstances. But two things every person living in a weekly have in common are: They need a place to call “home”, and they all must pay the same price. No matter who they are, or how they landed there. By the way, they are not cheap. They have various prices, depending on where they are located, how much in-demand they are, and what “extras” are offered. The one I am in is $160 a week. Considering I think $500 for a month is high, imagine how that messes with my mind to pay so much for just a week!

I Never NEVER imagined I would EVER live in one. Ever. I had all those visions in my own mind about what, and who exists inside one of these. Was I wrong about what lives in these? Nope. But I was narrow-minded about what I imagined lived here. Sure a weekly has all that. But you know what else they have? Working people, laborers, job-seekers, business people, families, decent humans, caring, loving, and just plain ole nice people. So what is it about a weekly that makes even those who do not fit the “usual” come live here?  Well, Life. (Or as I learned, Vegas has some screwy Lease-laws, and those laws prevent even people like myself with a perfect rental history, no evictions, no landlord debt, and nothing negative in any of my rental history from getting a new apartment. I will write more about the screwy and twisted ways Vegas manages to both have thousands of vacant apartments, but also have more Weekly rentals than any other city later…)

My reason? Simple: I needed a safe place to live. Yup you read that right. A weekly filled with all I mentioned above is safer than where I was living. I finally had enough of being treated like crap, and living in an unsafe, filthy, unhealthy environment. I would rather risk being homeless, or have to live in “One of those places”, rather than risk going to jail and losing my job. I HAD to get out. So I packed all my worldly possessions in a Uhaul pickem –up-truck, left where I was, and was officially homeless. I gave it all up to God, and trusted in Faith that He would provide my next home. Ya know what? At that exact moment, I felt more peace and calm than I had in the past 8 months. I KNEW I would end up exactly where I needed before I ran out of rental time on the truck.

I had been looking  for a new place to call home, but while mired in the mess I was “stuck in”, I could not focus with a positive outlook on where I needed to call home again. Long story short, and by pure Divine design, I landed Downtown Las Vegas … to be exact, at 13^th and E Fremont. Some would dare to say this is one of the scariest, most dangerous neighborhoods in Vegas. They are welcome to their opinion. I know differently.

Of Course this neighborhood has all that one would expect, but dangerous? Nope. It actually is VERY peaceful, safe, and comfortable. People tend to treat others the way they are treated. I treat people with kindness, respect, smile and say hi. They do the same to me. I do not meddle in their business, nor do I care what they do, as long as they are not harming others, they can do as they please.

I absolutely feel comfortable, safe, and “at home” here. In the short time I have been here, I have managed to focus, prioritize, and find some balance. By the end of the first week, I managed to find What I think will be the next place I will call home, feel relaxed, and even find time to go lay by the pool while I did my laundry.

Now, keep in mind, I NEVER imagined I would swim in a place like this, let alone sunbathe. That is how safe this place really is for me. Why would I have previously NEVER swam here, let alone sunbathe, too? Well, the pool is right next to the street, with no privacy. Also the buildings wrap around two sides of the pool, with every door and window facing the pool. The Only entrance gate to motel is right next to the pool. In short, if you use the pool, you totally are on display. You feel like you are watched by every resident, every passing vehicle, and everyone walking past on the sidewalk, too. The pool is tiny, so even if you swim alone, it feels crowded, add another swimmer, and it would feel like you are squeezed into a bathtub with someone (and NOT in a the cuddle/ snuggle/ fun awkward sort of way ... But in the must share a bath with someone you’ve never met kind of way.)

There are so many things about me that I really never care if people see, watch, or am visible about. But oddly enough, when I lay in the sun, or swim, I would rather not feel like I am “on display”. Yes, I totally know it is silly, and totally know why I feel this way. (Maybe one day I will write those reasons in a blog…) It is just one of those areas I am fully aware of how it makes me feel, and while I have come a long way in what does not bother me, the sunbathing in public view has always been a hurdle for me.  There have been all too many times in my life I just decided to skip swimming, or soaking up my much needed and loved sunshine, because I am not in a totally safe, comfortable environment. I know it is my own biggest struggle. And for the most part, A silly one, too. But it is still real, and it does create a problem that only I can overcome.

So, Ya wonder: Did I Sunbathe? Did I Swim? Did I Skinnydip? Well, that is an entire separate blog. (It is almost finished, and I will publish it soon…)

I totally NEVER expected I would live in a Weekly, totally never thought I could or would entertain the thought of swimming, sunbathing, or skinnydipping in a place like this. Interesting how I allowed myself to become imprisoned for the past 8 months, and only once I finally decided to save my own life, did I discover how much I needed to be in this exact place.

Yup. I LIVE in ONE OF THOSE PLACES. I Like it. Good thing! Because as I was writing this I learned how crooked Vegas is, and how they keep people from leaving bad situations. Too bad for them, that I am tougher, and WILL REFUSE to remain in an unhealthy situation. But I also have learned how come so many in Vegas will stay in a Very bad Situation. They would rather suffer, risk their own safety, and be miserable, than Risk being homeless, or having to pay exorbitant rent amounts because their health and safety is not a priority. Sorry, but My Health and Safety are more important than being able to afford to eat at restaurants. I will pay high rent, and eat cheap for the next few months, thank you very much!

Clothed In TRUST (or a Cast-Iron Skillet?):

Clothed in Trust:

What Does it take For You To Be Free?
When You Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable...

The Very First Time I ever Wore a G-String...And Publicly, too!

This is a Story about the one time I dressed as Peter Pan, and I bet you are wondering how the subject of wearing a G-string could possibly relate to The Peter Pan Character...

and How it Connects to TRUST... It really does all connect:

Sometimes, I can be seen in an outfit, or fun item that will make ya wonder, even consider that I may in fact be a bit Crazy. I will not deny this. I would absolutely love to wear stuff that suits my personality All The Time! … But our world seems to dictate how much we can actually be unique based on their  own fears, not on the person who wants to be different. For those times when you see me wearing something so whacky that you wonder how I got the determination, or even the guts to do it… There is One thing that is a key factor: TRUST.

What I wear, depends a lot on whether or not I trust those I am around. The same goes for what I Don’t wear. For so much of my young life, I was happily a nudist. I learned early on who I could trust, and when it was safe to let my guard down, and be free. Even after the age of twelve, when I went into mostly hiding my nakedness, I found those I could trust, and would allow them to see me at my most vulnerable. It is not just about naked, that is just a good representation, and parallel to illustrate vulnerability.

Some of my most fun outfits, costumes, shenanigans, and freedoms to be uniquely me, and not worry one bit about what others will say, do, or how they might harm me have come Only when I am able to trust those I am around. When you see me dressed in completely “normal” clothing (well, as ‘normal’ as I will ever get!), that tells you something is missing in the trust department. This usually happens once I have been harmed, and have figured out that by being my unique self, it actually brings, invites, and encourages attacks. I occasionally will revert to only wearing simple clothes, a simple hat, and trying hard to make sure I do not in any way stand out. When you see me like this, you know something is not balanced in my world.

On the other end of that spectrum however, If you see me being silly, wearing items that make me completely stand-out, or absolutely not look like I wanna blend-in, then you know everything is perfect in that area. (or at least in the moment, very safe, very comfortable, and I can be free). This is how I am when you see me playing with my ducks, or other silly objects. When I am creating the fun photos y’all see, it is when I am in a safe place.

Writing yesterday about wearing my Christmas G-string, During the entire time I was writing, and even re-reading, after I published it, I had one feeling that came to mind: TRUST. When I’ve been free enough to wear that G-string for Kara, and even when I wore it in The Wetlands, and posted the pictures publicly, I KNEW I was in a place where I could Trust those around me. Trust is a huge factor in my word.

No matter how many insecurities I have, if I trust you, I likely will do almost anything with you. If I trust you, I just might surprise myself, with what I would do around you, for you, or even with you! Some of the most rewarding experiences of my life have come when I am with someone, or many who I trust. Often, I do not even realize how comfortable I have gotten with a person, until after an event, or time when I look back on it, and go: “WoW! That person has my trust!”

I was reminded of a time long ago when I wore a G-string… sorta…. It was in October of 2009. I was living in a house full of people, each having varying degrees of “alternate Living” Lifestyles. I use that term simply to not label any one type, or in any way point out what one’s own lifestyle was. We each fit into the category of “alternate” in different ways. One of the girls was having a birthday party, just before Halloween, and had decided to make it a costumed party. Not necessarily a Halloween costume, just a costume. It was deemed to be a “Very Free” lifestyle party, meaning nothing was really off-limits. The other “rule” was that you had to create a costume on “dollar-store” items… Meaning anything you wore needed to be VERY inexpensive, and could possibly be obtained at dollar stores. This allowed for creativity, and also encouraged the use of things you might not otherwise use… making the imagination play an important part.

All the people in this house, and that would attend this party were very safe to me, and I trusted them. They accepted me as a nudist. Heck, they accepted Me!

Now, I bet you are wondering where the “G-String” I mentioned earlier comes into play? Well, read on, and you will see!

So, mentioning this party idea to a coworker, and tossing about possible ideas, He suggested I go as a Disney Character… More Specifically, Peter Pan. Well, this got me thinking of the green tights, funny tunic, etc. My friend grinned, and then told me what he meant… Well, rather than explain it to you, how about I just show a picture….

Ok, So Now You Know It was Not The Peter Pan in green tights that could fly….

…but rather A Pan Over My Peter! (the robe was simply because this was Oregon, and It Was Cold!!)

And the “G-String”?... Well, that was how I held the pan in place! I gotta say, this was My Very First Time Ever wearing ANYTHING Like this!! I was mortified, but knew it would a fun night! The pan was of course Ice-cold, so I had to preheat it so it would not freeze parts. (I just soaked it in warm water before wearing it.) And to fasten it…. Well, the term G-String took on a whole new meaning this night!! G… for Groin. String… well, it was rope (or string)… so there ya have it! It was definitely not the most comfortable way to wear it! But it did the job… sorta. Initially I had attempted to just tie the rope around my waist, and thru the handle. But that left an awful lot of sway in the pan. (I don’t know if you’ve ever had a rogue cast-iron skillet flopping about near your parts, but that only leaves room for instant damage!!) not to mention inadvertent flashing of those who did not wish to see what was inside the pan! So, I needed to create a more-secure way to wear the pan. Thus the g-string. To say it was a wee-bit uncomfortable to have a rope up my butt is an understatement! (and If I ever do that again, I will use something a tad softer, maybe even a bit wider!) After a few attempts, I succeeded in creating an effective g-string.

The costume was a total success, and everyone absolutely loved it! Much to my chagrin, they seemed to like it a bit too much…. It was a good thing I trusted everyone there, because they were not shy about “inspecting” how I did it. That night, I had more people literally playing with that area than I’ve ever had in my life! Nobody did anything sexual, they simply were curious, and knowing I would allow their curiosities, they allowed themselves the freedom to explore. I likely would have done the same if they were the ones wearing it! Most people wanted to inspect the rope, and see how I managed to tie it, where it did, or did not go. Some wanted to see if there was anything worn under the pan, or if I had lined the pan with anything soft. Their concern was about chaffing, scraping, or other possible complications that could arise. (speaking of arise… Well, maybe I won’t tell about that…) many wanted to see “how many sausage and eggs fit in that pan” and even wanted to see how they fit. Everyone took plenty of pictures, from every angle, and some at very close-range. To say I was safe, and trusted them all was an understatement! That night, I was SOO safe, comfortable, and trusted all of them!

Just a Note about all the curiosities, and "exploring" of my regions: I treat others the way I would want to be treated. So many people are so guarded, and not willing to allow another's curiosites. So often, when a person is curious and not intending any harm, simply wanting to grow, learn, understand, gain knowlege, they are rebuked, scorned, and made to feel ashamed for even asking. I was fortunate to have found many in my early years who actually encouraged and welcomed these curiosities. I learned that if approached in a non-harmful, desire of learning way, most of the time, it is mutually rewarding for each person involved. (The curious one learns, and often so does the one being asked!) Sure, there were plenty that did not encourage this, but fortunately, there were many who Did encourage learning! So, when others approach me in this manner, as long as I trust them, I will allow the curiosities, touches, explorations, and it usually turns out that we both learn something from the experience! Often, sadly, our society seems to scorn, or look down upon these curiosites, learnings, understandings, so many times, we are forced to "Not Tell Anyone", which is truly sad. Any curiosities in this department are summarily categorized into "sexual" behavior, instead of simply learning about the human body.

Well, in the comfort department, I was not comfortable in the sense of how my costume fit, and especially when I tried to sit down while we played board games! I had not planned for how things would shift, and especially how the rope would dig-in!! Also along with the rope going tighter, the pan also did not remain where it was supposed to. Eventually, it got too awkward, parts were not remaining inside the pan, and it was just plain uncomfortable, and I was cold, so I went down to my room and took it all off. I put baby powder all over my region, and let is soothe me… Then I put something soft and warm on and went back upstairs.

Of all the photos taken by everyone that night, I never saw any of them. The only photo I have is one that was taken with my own camera (the one I posted above). I am sure somewhere in the great web, there are photos floating around of details of that costume… And again, it’s a good thing I trust those people, because otherwise I might have reason to worry… Grin!

So, as you go through life, may you find people you can trust, people who encourage you to be free, explore your desires, and find your Peter Pan! (Just be careful when you sit while wearing a Cast Iron Skillet, and a Rope G-string!)

Today Is Memorial Day...

Today is Memorial Day.

~A Caution to all: This Is NOT a “I Love Memorial Day” Post. It is not gonna make you feel all warm and fuzzy, or even nostalgic. It may even make you think (God forbid, something makes you think!), or upset you. I express a few of my own views about this day which do not match most. If you decide to get pissed-off at my views, then that is your choice. Perhaps, maybe… it just might get you to look at our military from a slightly different perspective. Do You seek Peace? Really?

You have been prewarned… Read at your own desire.

Yes, I am aware of what it is supposed to be for. Is it wrong that days like today tend to upset me? The day does not upset me for the reasons most would first guess. I am not upset because of death, sacrifice, past history, or any number of other reasons most get emotional when they think about the significance of this day. Is it wrong that I have thought feelings, views, beliefs, and opinions that do not match most others'? Is it wrong that I have sought information, understanding, and knowledge about what has led to where we are today in life? I do not simply take a "holiday" as it is told to me by society. I do not simply "believe" what the majority does, nor do I say what everyone has been taught to say on days like today.

Yes, we have certain freedoms in America, and one of those freedoms is "freedom of speech". But that is limited to what those around you want you to say, believe, and mimic in their own views. On days like today, it is expected that we all are supposed to say the same things, pretend to feel the same way, and not truly express our freedoms.

I DO have quite strong views about our "freedom", our military, the deaths, the sacrifices, and everything that is significant on this day.

I am not on this Earth to upset people. But I am here to make a difference. So, I ask why is it I am not supposed to be who I am on days like today? I am created different, and everyone who knows me accepts, appreciates, and embraces that uniqueness... except on days like this one. On days like today, I am expected to act just like everyone else. I understand that many people would be greatly upset, and that is not my purpose. But why is it on a day like today, everyone is expected to say the things that are upsetting, and make me want nothing to do with them... yet I cannot say my mind?

America is hardly the land of the free.

For whatever you choose to see in this day... May you find Peace happiness, and maybe, possibly even Freedom....

...I Challenge you to think outside the calendar. I challenge you to find peace. Real Peace, not Peace created from violence, death, battles, and imagined heroes. I challenge you to find a hero in someone not wearing a uniform, carrying a gun, and strong-arming others to comply with their uniformity. I challenge you to find peace, love, and compassion without anybody needing to die in unnecessary battles.

For those who have decided to join, support, or in any other way be connected to the military: That is your choice. Those who have joined, served, fought, died... Those are you choices. We each choose different paths in life. Those who choose to go looking for a fight will find it. Those who go looking for peace will find it. Peace never comes from violence. Death, fear, suffering, and insecurity arise from violence, battles, and militaries.

If someone dies because they went looking for a fight, then they got what they wanted. Why would we feel they sacrificed anything? They Chose to go that path. If anything, they chose the easy way out. They died. They no longer are forced to live in this hell man has created. They no longer are forced to conform to the rules of society, working their tail off just to go and pay the next person for the right to exist on this Earth. Those who went into the military, and died took an exit from this battle the rest of us are forced to endure for as long as we are alive. Our world is not a better place at all from any military actions. America certainly is not peaceful. We certainly do not have “Freedom” And Nothing good has ever come from any military action anywhere on the globe. As long as there are people fighting, there will never be peace. As long as greedy people believe they should be greedy, there will never be peace. No amount of military involvement has ever created peace anywhere.

If America was free, we would not have the rampant violence, gangs, thefts, and greed. If America was free, there would not be rape, child-molesters, physical violence, bullies, kidnappings, or abuse. If America was truly free, there would never be anyone suffering because they were homeless. Those who chose to be without a home could live happily, free, comfortably, instaed of suffering, and treated as if they were scum. If our military was all about peace, they would focus on exactly that, not in wars. If “we” have the greatest military, then why do we not have peace, or freedom here? Since so many people believe seeking a fight is the best solution, I have an offer for them: use that desire to fight and go after those in your own country who also seek a fight. Put all the greedy seekers of violence together, and let them kill each other off. THAT WOULD HELP! If our military wanted peace, they would eradicate the gangs, the thieves, the people who wish to do harm to others. But “our military recruits people who Want to fight, Want to steal, and Want to harm others. The military creates Death, Violence, and Greed. The military actively seeks, encourages, and trains people to harm others. The military fosters the mentality that greed, harm, violence, theft, and insecurity are all good things. And when you teach people in large quantities to behave like that, there will always be death, loss, and suffering. When you foster that kind of behavior, those who do not die, and later rejoin society as a civilian, they will continue to be greedy, seek violence, and fight.

We all will die. Nobody can deny this. How and when we die is uncertain. But if this world wanted True PEACE, there would not be a need for days like today. Why do we pay special tribute to those who have helped create death?? Why do we call these people heroes? Why would anybody believe that because someone went looking for a fight, we should somehow feel sorry for them, thank them, or give them anything special? Those who are supposedly "honored" today already got exactly what they wanted. They went after it, and got it. They got their reward. As long as people on this Earth go looking for a fight, There will be deaths because of their desires.

If you are one who chose a job in the military, that was your choice. You never entered that job without knowing full-well what the outcome would be. Death, Suffering, Violence. When People seek a fight, they will find it.

Now, for those who think I am completely convinced that everyone in any military is a bad person… Nope, not at all. I happen to know many who are the exceptions. I know many who have joined, served, lost lives, suffered, etc who also happen to be the most passionate, caring, loving humans I’ve ever met. But that does not mean they were seeking peace. Nobody joins the military for peace. If they do, they are deluding themselves. I cannot change that people on this Earth will do things they absolutely swear they are against. But I can ask: Why would you join a military, if you truly wanted peace? There obviously are other reasons… and they usually boil down to greed. They wanted free housing, medical, food, clothing, and a way out of the normal society. I've known many who "ran way" to join the military to avoid jail, prison, penalties, fines, etc. I've known many who join because their past is about to catch-up with them, and they do not feel they should be held accountable. I've known many who have done such horrific crimes against others that they join the militray so they cannot be prosecuted. The military is all about the greed, violence, and death. But it does offer to those who wish to run form life a great protected escape from that life, but nothing is free. The price they paid for their escape is often death. Many join believing the military had their best interests in mind, such as providing “free schooling”… Yet nothing is truly free. So while they went in seeking something for themselves, protection from their past, or for any other reason, they Still supported the violence, the death, the fight. If people truly were against that, they would not support it, and certainly would not join. It is a choice. They chose. I, too have made choices in life which did not turn out to be so great. Yup, I've suffered because of those choices. But I gotta accept that I chose. Same as those who chose the military. We each choose. We each must accept the consequenses of our choices.

For those who suffer from the loss of a loved-one who was in the military: Yes, I am sorry for your loss. I have never sought for others to die, nor wish that upon their families and friends. Death is hard on everyone, and often those left behind have a hard time accepting it. I do not for one second discount this, nor expect you to shrug it off. Death is something I actually do understand quite well. It is never easy, and often we never fully grasp the loss. This post is not at all about that. It is about the reason they died, not what happens after they died. We cannot change what they have chosen, and find it difficult to go on with our lives based on their choices. How we proceed after their death is what makes the difference. Why do you think I am so passionate about Peace? Death has hit me hard. I feel it every day. It cripples me, and hangs on in my soul. THAT IS WHAT DRIVES ME TO SEEK PEACE. Because of loss, I sought understanding of what this day really is. What we each do with the death of one we love is what will determine our future. If we get angry, and seek a fight, encourage military action, and violence, there will always be more death and more suffering. If we seek peace with the passion of the pain of lost lives, we will find peace, compassion, caring, love, and a better world.

So, On this Memorial Day: Definitely remember those who died… But ask yourself “Why did they die?” If you really seek the answer, you will see they went looking for a fight… and found it.  Does this mean on Memorial Day we should not recognize this? Nope. We absolutely should! We should look at how we are taught to think, and learn to see what is really happening. We should ask ourselves: “Do We Want Peace?” And strive for exactly that. If I have upset you, then that means you are paying attention. Being upset is actually a good thing! Death causes me to be upset. Upset enough that I turned to find ways of peace instead of more death. Maybe by being upset, you will start to seek peace, teach others to seek peace, and perhaps lead by example? If you take your feeling of being upset, and turn it toward a fight, lashing-out at others there will never be peace. If you are upset, GOOD! Do something about it!