Betty, I am Sorry

It wasn’t you. It was Me.

I am 47 and I think I might finally be growing-up.

I owe an apology and a hug to someone I hurt 10 years ago.
Betty. I am sorry.
You have been on my heart a lot this week. Actually lots more than this week. You have been on my heart since I hurt you ten years ago. But most of that time was filled with resentment, hatred, and anger. This last month, I realized I was the one who hurt you.

~Gasp! Whaaaat?? You mean I might have been wrong? You mean I might have learned, grown, and finally seen the view from another’s eyes??  As shocking as this may be to some, I actually do this quite often. I love learning, having my eyes opened, and growing in life. What is shocking is that it took me ten years to notice it this time.

Sooo, why am I actually saying I am sorry to someone ten years later, instead of just letting it go, and forgetting about it? Someone who I have not seen, or heard from in ten-years, and have no idea if I would actually ever cross her path again? Because sometimes just letting it go will never close the wound. Sometimes we gotta do what is best for the one we hurt, and let them know we are sorry. 

Today is the start of my weekend. I usually like to just relax, sip my coffee, sort pictures from my last week’s journeys, and not have to do anything of real importance. Today, however, as soon as I began sipping my first cuppa coffee, I started putting my thoughts into words. I do not write as much anymore, although I really find writing my thoughts can be quite therapeutic. I seem to rather work on creative projects, be in the sun, and just let my mind wander without forming actual sensible thoughts. Today, I knew I needed to spend a couple hours finalizing what I felt for the past few weeks.

Ten years ago, was 2005. I was just beginning to learn who I truly was. I was learning to once again learn how to live naked, learn how to accept who I am, and allow some freedoms to be explored. My life was turned upside down, I was in turmoil with my employment, finances, and relationships. Nothing was stable, nothing was balanced. Everything was new, and I was struggling to find who I really was. I was not in a stable home-environment, and had no true place to call my home. I was offered a place to live by Betty. I will not go into the details of the living arrangement, nor details of other issues I was struggling with.

But Betty opened up her home, and provided me with an opportunity that at the time actually was a blessing.  For the most part, everything in the home was great. Some of my own insecurities became the issues, when she already knew who she was, and what her comfort-levels were. I took some of her comforts and how she openly said her views toward me personally, and hurtful. It has taken me 10-years to actually see how she was the one who had the freedom, expressed that freedom, and welcomed me to also accept that freedom. She accepted me for who I was, even though I had not yet figured all that out.  Her freedoms and expressions actually scared me. I tried to express my fear, but it never quite came out the right way. Mostly because I still had not figured-out who I really was.

What I find interesting is that there were four of us who lived in the same house. For the most part, it was totally safe, totally comfortable, and I should have realized how wonderful it was. But like I said, It was not you. It was me.

When I left, and how I left was wrong. I hurt a lot of people in the way I left. I have addressed many of those hurts through the years. Most I noticed right away. But this one took me ten-years to understand. For ten-years I carried the burden of what I thought was how I was the one who hurt. When it hit me last month, and I really started searching what I felt, believed, and understood, IT HIT ME HARD!

This past month, weeks, and days This has been totally in my heart, mind, and soul. It hurts. But somehow in a good way. Healing, learning, understanding is not always pleasant. But once I find why I was searching, feeling, and having it on my heart, and consuming my soul, The letting it be felt, and getting it out there is a freedom that is unmatched by anything else. It would be sooo much easier sometimes to just pretend it does not exist. But in my quest to be free, I must grab hold of the chains I have bound myself and others with, and learn to break to those chains, and let the other know I am releasing the chains.  It is not easy to actually notice sometimes the chains we are bound with are created by our own doing. And at the same time, we cast chains upon another that we never noticed, until we finally feel the weight holding us down when we try to fly free.

It is not so much that I am on a quest suddenly to be free, and have peace. This is something that has been a process since I finally realized in 2004 that I had put myself into a prison of chains for the previous 24 years. (I go into great detail about that imprisonment from the age of 12 thru the age of 36 in previous blogs, so will not go into those depths here.) But Once I realized Freedom and Peace are THE BEST places to be in life, I have sought every step of the journey to see how I could work more toward those destinations. I know all too well that these are not instant, nor immediate. I know it is a journey. Slowly, steadily, one step at a time. 

My All-time Favorite Keychain is this one:

Cara sent it to me right after I left Betty’s house in 2005. It has lost some of its sparkle, gems, and flair over the years, but it still holds the same meaning. It is on my keyring every day, everywhere I go. It is nestled right next to my pennies that contain: an Angel, a Cross, and a Smiley. It is true. The journey IS our daily life. Each step we take is going to take us one direction or another. In 2004, I discovered I needed to find that freedom. In 2005, I took a giant step that simultaneously launched me into a “New” freedom path, and at the same time launched me into a spiraling imprisonment. During that giant step, it was for the good and the bad simultaneously.

I learned from that almost instantly. I learned that to find freedom, it is not always good to take sudden drastic steps in another direction. I learned that those steps have consequences, set-backs, and create more-difficult chains to break. BUT I also learned that Letting go of things that are not healthy is a very positive step. Now I just needed to learn a balance, and to learn to let them go in a less-harsh manner.  In 2005, I was scared to admit some (Most!) of my feelings, beliefs, and thoughts. I felt it was best to just run from them.

In My Running, I learned more than I ever hoped I would. In the next ten years after that running, I have learned how to moderate the changes in a more-positive way. I have realized why I am on This Earth, why I am not yet allowed to die, and why I need to keep searching, learning, and moving one-step at a time. I have learned how to be more spiritually connected to the Universe, how to understand what is harmful, and what is helpful. I have learned how to accept others, the same as I would like them to accept me. I still have plenty to learn, and am by no means there yet. It is a Journey … One of which I am still meant to keep exploring, living, and understanding.

Betty, I know you probably do not fully understand everything I am saying, because I probably never told you, or made it very clear that I felt you hurt me. But I want to make sure You know I now know you never hurt me in any way. I hurt myself. I hurt you. I am Sorry. If and when our paths cross, I will happily give you a big Hug. (until a few months ago, I likely would have avoided you.) I am sorry.

I cannot change anything from the past, nor am I attempting to. I Can however admit that I was wrong, And let you know. 

Some people may wonder why I am publishing an appology in My Blog, instead of just privately sending it to Betty? Because in my quest to be free, I also have found that sharing my thoughts with others helps more than just me, or in this case more than just Betty. I make mistakes. I learn from my mistakes. I help others. If One person on this Earth sees this, and is inspired by it to make their world a happier place, then my effort is more than doubled. Also, I publish it to show I am not ashamed, or with to hide who I am. I publish it so those who wish to know me better can learn about me and my journey at their comfort-level. In all reality, I know I have hurt many along my journey in life. I want everyone to know I seek to make those hurts better, and am not proud of them.

Now, enough of this Mushy-stuff! Let's get back to the Silly, goofy stuff! :)

OK, OK, so I started the blog with "I might finally be growing up" ... Let's not get too drastic. I will still always embrace the kid-at-heart approach in life. Remember, I also said "Nothing drastic" ...