An Itsy Bitsy Pink Flamingo Bikini

An Itsy Bitsy Pink Flamingo Bikini

Would you wear a Bikini?
What if it was a Pink Bikini with Flamingos on it?

HELLO! A Gorgeous Pink Bikini with Flamingos printed on it!! 

Is There Still Any Doubt??

What if it was not yours?

What if you were male?

Part of my job is to match lost humans with their found items. I work at a very busy airport, and for a very busy airline. To be exact, I work at Las Vegas’ McCarran International Airport. It is not a secret which airline I work for, but since this (wearing a guest’s bikini)is not officially condoned by my employer, I will leave the name of the airline out of this post.  (But if you really are nosey, and really want to know: Here are two hints. All our flights come from Canada to Vegas, and from Vegas to Canada. Also We are The Largest inbound international carrier for Las Vegas.) It totally is public, and not at all a secret that I did this, I just do not choose to place the company name in the blog.

Our motto is “We take our jobs seriously, but not ourselves”, which is why and how the Pink Bikini even happened.

A guest traveled from Vegas to Saskatoon Canada. She left her carryon backpack in the overhead. Somehow the bag was not located until that plane returned to Vegas. It was found in Vegas, so it became our station’s responsibility to find the lost human that belonged to this found bag. It would be too simple if every traveler did what they were taught at age 5 in kindergarten: Put your name on your stuff. Yup, such a simple lesson we all were taught, yet for some reason millions of people seem to think that rule in life does not apply to them … yet, if they leave their items behind, suddenly they wonder why we cannot get it back to them.

Well, even against all odds, with having absolutely nothing labeled, and no way to track a bag that was never checked, We still manage to find the lost humans…

Part of the process we use is to create a file in the computer system which is traceable from anywhere in the world. Now keep in mind, there are thousands of “Black Backpacks” Lost every day. So, how would one go about locating the right one? Well, that is where detailed descriptions, contents, and anything unique come into play. We must take an accurate and detailed inventory of all the items inside to hopefully put something in the file that the person looking for it also would list as unique item in the search.

This lady’s bag had zero information inside. All it contained was clothes, toiletries, and the few essentials she needed for a quick Vegas getaway. It was August, so really she needed very little in the way of clothing. She traveled with the clothes she was wearing, and a few items in her carry on pack. Funny thing about my job: Since I have to open bags regularly, I learn quite a lot about the type of person whose bag it is.  I will leave the rest of that thought to your own imagination. (You likely already have gone there anyhow.)

This bag had the usual: some underwear, some makeup, some hair products and appliances, a pair of shorts, a top, and a bikini. Sure, they all were great items to list, But THE ONE unique thing that likely no other lost pack would have was the bikini. Sure, the leopard print underwear was good, but seriously, ya know how many women travel to Vegas with Leopard Print panties?? (Lots!) As I looked and itemized each item to list inside this pack, Every coworker who happened to come past stopped and admired this bikini. Almost every female held it up to herself, and dreamed of being able to wear such a delightfully fun bikini. Even the guys pondered for a moment. True, Most of the guys probably pondered it for different reasons than I did, but still, it was admired by all who saw it.

Nobody was surprised that I was actually looking at it wishing I could wear it. Everyone knew I would if I had permission. But it was not mine, and dream as I might, I will NEVER treat another’s items as if it was not theirs. SO, the file was created, and dream as many of us might, all the content was sealed up again inside the pack, placed into the lock cabinet, and left to wait for someone to look for it.

Yup. I have a penis, so by limited definition, I am male. I never understood “Guy Code”, or why guys are so afraid to play, have fun, and limit themselves to what is or is not “allowed”. Sadly also most guys, even if they would put on a bikini, would never allow it to be photographed, or shared publicly. For some reason they think this should be a secret. I feel so sorry for those guys. They have no idea how to be free, enjoy an opportunity, and relax. Imagine if guys would take a minute to even ponder why women enjoy their bikinis so much! Imagine if guys truly allowed themselves freedom!

Well, it only took a few hours before I got an email from our central baggage department giving me a phone number of the gal whose bag it was. They stated in the email that the bikini was The One identifying item. I called the guest as soon as I was not buried in arriving flights. She indeed had gone looking for it, and once Saskatoon determined they did not have it, she contacted our central baggage, who asked her for what might be unique inside, and they did a search.

The guest was thrilled when I called her. First she expressed embarrassment for us having to see “all her dirty laundry”. I assured it that was not a worry. I also assured her the bikini made so many people smile, that sometimes it is a joy when people leave their items behind. Relieved, she told me excitedly how many admired her and her bikini while she was in Vegas. Once I told her we would happily send it to her, she told me she would send us a photo of her in that bikini in Vegas. Then she paused, thought about it, and said: “Tell ya what, You loved it so much, how about You take a photo of You wearing it, and send it to me!”  Oh My Gosh! She likely did not realize who she was talking to!! I absolutely loved that idea! I verified again that she really wanted a picture of me in it. She howled with delight at the thought. She said “Absolutely YES!” I told her I totally would. She laughed and said she could not wait to see me in her bikini!

Well, I could not find a suitable location to take photos at work, although I wished I could be allowed to go out with the planes in that bikini and take the photos! (And there was the fact that I needed to shower first.) Normally, I would NEVER take anyone else’s items home, even for a moment. But this was a special situation. She totally had given me permission to use her bikini, and take photos of me in it, so I took the bikini out of her pack, and took it home for the evening. She had already expressed excitement over getting her bikini in time for her weekend plans, so I needed to be sure and take the photos that night, and get her bag shipped off to Canada the next morning. Oh, how I wished I could have had that bikini for more than a night! I had so many fun ideas of where to take photos with it… plus had many friends who also wanted to “model” it! But I knew I was already blessed beyond belief that it presented itself to me as such a wonderful opportunity, so I would cherish them brief moment it was given to me to enjoy.

I also noticed as soon as I removed it from my bag that it totally smelled like suntan lotion. (At work, and mixed with all her other items, it was not noticeable, but in my home, that scent stood out strongly!) Normally perfumes and scents are too strong, even offensive to me, but while this was strong, it was tolerable. I showered after work, and put on her bikini right after my shower. (No I was not about to put it on while sweaty from work… that would be rude to do to her.) As soon as I put it on, I of course took a few phone-selfies inside my apartment. Then I went outside and set up my camera, and put it on timer, so I could get some fun outside shots, with iconic Vegas signs behind me.

Surprisingly, not one person who saw me even looked twice, stopped to stare, or cared that a tan dude was on the balcony in a Bikini! I was outside for about ten minutes, took dozens of photos, and loved it! Of course I included Just Ducky in the photos! I pondered taking my camera down to the pool, and taking some pool-side, and even swimming photos, but at this point I still was not sure I was ready for that. So I sighed, as I removed that wonderful bikini, tucked it away in my pack again to be shipped off the next morning.

I hardly keep anything like this a secret. In fact, many of my friends requested that they not be sent the photos of this… I agreed, and never sent them the photos. But they saw them anyhow. Yup I posted them on Facebook, Instagram, Flickr, even Google, Tumblr, and Snapchat. Then Google, doing what it does, took the photos and made them even funnier! They created 2 GIF, so I now have two “movies” of the set!

Go Ahead ... Try not to smile and laugh!


Oh MY GOD!!
I Absolutely LOVE These!! 

Plus I joked that the only reason I looked “Hot” in the photos was “The Padding”… Then Google created one that says It was “Enhanced”… and the placement of the “Enhanced” was perfect! … Well-played, Google. Well Played.

Oh, and You wonder about the lady whose bikini it is, and her reaction? Well she did reply to my email, but only a short reply, Stating “Wow! I did not think you would really do it!” Makes me wonder how many people have lied to her. Sad that I told her I would, yet she did not believe it. She has not yet sent me the photos she promised… Maybe she will send me the Bikini as a gift instead? (Hey, a guy can hope, right??) I totally would wear that bikini proudly!



Can Ya Guess What The ONLY words fitting for this Blog to be finished are?
THE END! ~=:-)

Weak Men Love To Control Women

The ultimate weapon used to control a female human: a puppy. 

There is no denying the connection a female has to a dog. Unfortunately, desperate males see this as a way to gain control over a female they wish to conquer. And the female allows it.

The female instantly "forgets" all her troubles, and is somehow convinced there suddenly is peace, happiness, and every fight she has with the male will suddenly be gone.

I wish this was not true. I also wish females were not so weak to allow an ill-intentioned male to control them. It never fails. If a female is emotionally unstable, they will seek and attract a male who is also weak and unstable. That male is so desperate and needy, that they thrive on destroying a female just to have something they can feel in charge of. An emotionally weak female wants nothing more than to feel loved. They see the attention of that male as "I am not alone", instead of noticing they are more alone when they are with such a person, than without.

No person ever gives a puppy as a gift with pure good intentions. A gift of a puppy always has a selfish motive. Just like any life, it should be a mutual decision, both should already be stable enough that they can see the puppy as a life they need to train, teach, nourish and grow positively together. If someone is given a puppy, and was only decided by one person, it is a forced responsibility, that the receiver will not be able to recognize and suddenly be buried with more emotional unstableness. The receiver will latch onto it with the notion of "it will love me". A puppy is a burden, and even a distraction, not love. 

The male can make the female believe he is a caring, loving person by hiding behind the puppy. The female will be blind to any anger, violence, and other issues the male shows. A puppy is for some reason a cloak that the male knows will be his ticket to finally being able to control another human.

The male will take the dominant role, and teach the dog to also do the same. The dog will obey the male, yet seek comfort from the female. The female sees this as love. It is not love. That dog is using the female to find safety and like the female also feels it is not alone. The dog ultimately will obey and copy the male, since that is how nature works. Dominance and submissiveness are determined and followed with animals. The male human feels by controlling others he is somehow the stronger one. The dog cannot tell the difference between games and true feelings. The dog sees that male as the dominant, or alpha. The dog is created more needy of attention than a human is. They are by nature "pack" animals. Being isolated from their own pack, they will instantly latch onto any life form that will let them. The male human sees this as one more thing he suddenly has dominance and control over. He will play the loving puppy-loving role just long enough to establish his "ownership" over that dog. Then as soon as the dog and the female are convinced he is so loving, he will begin to beat the dog, stop taking the dog for walks, and begin training the dog to be aggressive. As the dog is aggressive and ignores the female commands to stop, the male human can easily make the dog behave. The female sees this as her weakness and is easily convinced she needs this male, but cannot understand why "her dog" is behaving that way. It is not her dog, but she is led to believe it is. The male human teaches the dog to pull on the leash, so the female cannot take control of the dog. The female always takes the dog for walks, believing this is companionship. The male never goes along. When the dog is out of control and she needs help, she will always call the male to come to her rescue. The male is once again viewed as the hero, instead of the female noticing how he has set this up to happen. When the female is not around, he kicks the dog, beats the dog, and will not take it out for walks, attention, or love. He sees it as his control. By beating the dog into submission, and neglecting it, the dig fears him, and will seek the comfort (shelter) of the female. The dogs fully knows as long as the female is present, the male will not hit it. The female does not realize this, and only sees the dog's desire to be with her as "love". Sadly, it is not love, it it survivalism. 

Weak males feel aggression is their only way of obtaining any sort of power. If they can control others by fear they think they are powerful. Likewise, they choose dogs that can easily be taught aggression. To the male human who wishes to control a female, he will make sure he not only controls her, but wishes to destroy her to the level she is so weak, she feels she deserved what he gives her. Using a dog against a female is the ultimate way to destroy her. She will not allow herself to see the dog as at fault. Likewise, if she is focusing on the dog, the male knows she will not notice how he is taking her down. An aggressive dog is such a horrific thing, and the female will go into such depression, and denial, the male has almost ultimate power over her.

I wrote this blog entirely on my iPhone. I wrote it simply because i have witnessed so much of this happening, and just felt I needed to let it out. The reason I chose the iPhone? Simply because I had it handy while the thoughts were flowing. I had not intended to write a blog, nor write one only using the phone, but once I started , it just went smoothly. I considered transferring it to my computer, then to the blog ... But then I decided to see how it comes out using only the phone. 

Nude Photography doesn't Need to Be Censored

Why Would You Put a Black Censor-Bar on a Perfectly Good Photo?

This is how Blog ideas are formed. A topic comes-up in general conversation. Often it is discussed, and various ideas are batted-about. Ya think it was a simple conversation, but then once you have gone to bed, it comes to life in your over-active mind, keeping you awake, and flooding the mind with so many thoughts about the original topic.

My friend Kim is a writer, photographer, and aspiring Journalist. She has been writing for 18 years. And pursuing photography as she has grown in life. She currently is going to school for her Journalism Degree. I Absolutely love, respect,and admire that at the age of 32, she is returning to school and pursuing her goals in life! In her learning, growing, and achieving new levels of what has always been part of her passion, she is pushing her own boundaries, comfort-levels, and learning to look at things in new ways. For many years she has already proven to be good at what she does. In addition to her photography, and writing, she also is undertaking the battle of weight. She not only is growing in her field, but also shrinking at the same time. (You might ask what losing weight has to do with her writing? Well, She also is a blogger. One of her blogs is called Who Took My Donut?) She approaches life with a non-traditional view. She is a success at losing weight, while still enjoying an occasional pizza, cheeseburger, and fries.  (She is a friend of mine... so Ya Know without a doubt, she likes food!~Duh!) It has not been easy for her, but that is what makes it a personal challenge, and why she is inspired to write about it. She also is married to a wonderful man who happens to be a professional photographer, loves food, and has a great sense of humor. Their passions and desires in life merge well together. 

You might wonder how any of this connects to me... and how we became friends? 

Well, the simple answer would be: Photography.

But of course, there really is no simple answer. Yes, we met through our mutual passions for photography. Strange as it may sound, Yes, we met online. We found our photography, and paths in life often intersected with each other's lives. For many months, it seemed we had just passed one another in our comings and goings around the not-so-big big-city of Las Vegas. (My own humorous poke at how Vegas people think Vegas is a Big-City, when it really is a tiny little town.) Our paths crossed many times, and finally Kim, Her Hubby John, and myself planned a meet-up. We've found much mutual ground, plus much not-so-mutual ground. In the discoveries of what meshes and what does not, we've also discovered that my life as a nudist is not a threat to either Kim or John. They have welcomed who I am, even come to my home knowing I am gonna be nekkid. 

And Just to make it clear: No, We are not at all involved in any way sexually! I know all-too-often the first thing people think of when it involves nudity is that it must be sexual. I am a non-sexual person. I am not in any way interested in anything sexual. I am simply a person who loves to live life naked. Kim and John are in no way interested in me in a sexual way either. They accept me as the human I am, who just happens to be nekkid. Now, How does all of this connect to Naked photography, and the topic of the censoring of pictures? Simple... sorta:

Kim has also pushed her own boundaries in photography. In my own opinion, she is an excellent photographer!  Like almost any artist, or creative-type, we often seek new skills, new ideas, and explore ways to expand our passions. One of the greatest challenges to any photographer is to capture another human in a way that feels natural, not staged, and for the photograph to convey to anyone viewing it the same feeling. When Kim and John came by my place one day, after noticing it really was comfortable to be around me while I was nekkid, plus I was not in any way acting weird about them seeing me nekkid, she asked if she could take some pictures. Of course I agreed.

She took a bunch of photos, and found it was fun, and free. The lighting in my home was a challenge, and she enjoyed the opportunity to be allowed to  experiment, push her boundaries, and not feel it was awkward. Her husband also enjoyed watching how she pursued this, plus how I welcomed it. While she got a bunch of fully-visible naked photos, she also got some fun ones that show I am naked, without actually showing the parts most people do not want to see. Here is one of those (My Favorite!) and if ya click the photo, you can see the entire set. (But be warned, in the rest of the photos, I am fully, visibly naked... I am not ashamed of this, just want you to know before you see something you are not wanting to see.)

This photo Is absolutely my favorite of the entire set! ...and which leads me to the topic of this post. That topic is "Nude Photography without Censors".

As she and her hubby were leaving, she asked if I would be open to allowing her to practice more nude-photography, using me as her experiment. I totally agreed. While I hid my body for much of my life, I also have always welcomed anyone who is safe, comfortable, and trusted to look, touch, learn, explore, and find their own level of comfort about the human body using my own as an experiment. Now that I do not hide, I am even more welcoming of others' desire to learn, explore, and expand their own boundaries. I make clear my own boundaries, and know how to say no, or draw the line so I am never put in a bad-situation. I have grown immensely in my own acceptance of who I am, and happily help others pursue their own growth.

In Kim's pursuit of Her Journalism, and photography to go along with that, she is learning more about interviews, and how to capture the person of interest.

Last night, she presented this to me in an Instant message/ Chat...

"okay, i gots a question for ya

i have no clue offhand what direction i'll go with or how the fawk i'll write it to begin with but i would like to do an interview of sorts with ya about your nekkid lifestyle."

Of course, I agreed. (Whoa~! What just happened to my font?? Hehe! After I copied and pasted her question, this new font somehow became my own font... Just goes to show my lack-of computer knowledge... Oh well, I like it, and have no idea what it is, but will go with it, until it somehow goes a different direction. .... You are beginning to see how my mind jumps. Just enjoy the ride, and have fun with my random mind!) ~=:-)

But after agreeing to the original part, she then threw at me this:

"WOOHOO!!

and this will go on the kim ulmanis site ya know"

Again, to which I am fully willing to be part-of. (The "Kim Ulmanis Site" is her newest blog, which is just beginning, but will focus more of her writing, and photography.)

Then she took me by surprise adding This:

"if i do post any fully nekkid photos i'll probably put a black bar over your lower half.

over a certain part that is"

THAT is what got my brain going! It sent me totally telling her how wrong I thought that was, and how I did not support the use of the black-bar. I did not tell her off, or tell her I would not still allow her to photograph me. It was simply just making clear what, as a nudist, my view of censoring was. We had some good exchanges about what and why it is used. I totally agree that full-on naked photos are not always appropriate, especially since she is doing this for her classes, plus for her own web-site, which is not necessarily going to feature full-on nudity. I mentioned how creative photography can be used to capture a fully-naked person without being too revealing. Often a creative photo can show full-nudity, yet at the same time never reveal anything to the viewer. 

I suggested we could do some fun, creative photos in nature, or with other items which would show the point she wished to capture, but not be so revealing in that it shocked her class, or would somehow not be acceptable on her blog page. I totally am not wanting to cause offense, or make anyone uncomfortable. But I am totally against the use of a black-bar placed across a photo.

She agreed, asking me to write down some ideas, and we could further discuss the ideas soon.

I understand her trigger-response to want to put a black-censor-bar on a photo. That, sadly is what people are taught. They are taught that somehow viewing the human body is bad, shameful, or even illegal. People are taught that somehow simply naked is not to be viewed. It is a mind-set that is difficult to alter. Most people have been taught that naked is illegal, when it is not. Most people have been taught that in the media, journalism, or anything related to this field is not allowed to show a fully-naked human...Ever. (Funny, tho' how if her area of schooling was in The Arts, instead of Journalism, naked would be perfectly acceptable... but that is another subject.) While I will never understand where this thought and teaching comes from, I DO understand that most people believe this. So, I cannot blame Kim for automatically thinking the same thing. But I would not be true to myself if I did not take a stand against her using any photos of me with such a censor in place. I can and will work towards pursuing other options, and creativity.

I believe too often people have been taught naked is always sexual. I believe most people somehow think naked is about seeing someone's genitals... and they focus on that exactly. (maybe not with the camera, but with the mind.) Part of my own battle in life was to finally allow myself to think freely, and not to think like I had somehow been taught. I had to accept my own body before I could allow another to see me naked. I had to also learn to look at the naked body just as I would look at the clothed body. It is a human. It is not a genital. I do not blame Kim one bit for automatically thinking "Censor". That is what she's been taught. I applaud her for accepting my rebuttal of such a thought, though. I applaud her for being open to other options. 

In my thoughts of where I should go with this idea of creative photography, verses censoring, I have many wonderful photos I can show as examples. My own pursuit of presenting my life as a naked human without being too graphic for many, plus showing how simply naked is truly Family-friendly, and in no way sexual.... I have managed to come up with quite a collection of photos showing exactly that. Following this post, I will put together a separate post showcasing ideas of how creative photography can show full-nudity, yet not at all show the nudity. 

I will leave ya with one more photo. This one was also taken by Kim, showing she is already aware of how to be creative in capturing the nudity, without needing a censor-bar.

Coffee Anyone? ~grin!

Meanwhile... Hope ya find your creative way to photograph the subject you wish to capture!

~=:-)

Erections? Not Always Sexual...

A Riddle for You:

How could a Non-sexual Nudist, The topic of Erections, A Thrift-store Christmas G-string, and a Friend who has no desire to see ya naked connect?
Answer: Welcome To MY World… Where nothing is as it might first seem…

~~~~~A WORD OF CAUTION!~~~
This post mentions topics that some may find OFFENSIVE. I do not intent to be rude, offensive, or in any way sexual, inappropriate, or even to draw attention to any specific part of any human body... BUT In the search, and discovery of what makes me who I am, I will discuss topics that happen to come up. This one happens to be about Erections. You HAVE BEEN WARNED>>> Please ENTER WITH AN OPEN MIND... Or CLOSED EYES. It is not for everyone, but for those who wish to learn about me, and the quirks that make Me such a unique Human. If you are easily offended, then Please do us both a favor, and skip this post. If You are not sure, then perhaps you might learn something about yourself by reading my thoughts... Either way, Please play nice, keep in mind this is who I am, and I welcome you to learn, discover, and possibly welcome a view that may not match your own. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am absolutely not a sexual person, and even can’t fathom an erection of mine in a sexual way. But what baffles Me, is not that I get erections, but WHEN I Do!

Ya know, maybe that is why I am so ashamed , nope not ashamed, make that ->>scared of letting anyone see my erections?

Not every human male sees an erection in a sexual way. Yes, most do, but not all. And of course Not all women see an erection as sexual… But if a woman does not understand why the erection has happened, it can be awkward, creepy, or even frightening. Unfortunately, most women tend to think like most men… in that an erection means it is sexual. I am one of those that just the topic of what causes it, and why, to me is very fascinating. I do not want to know anything about it in a sexual way, nor want to hear about it that way. I like to learn about quirks of the human body. My own is quirkier than any I’ve ever found, so why not learn, explore and see what makes things happen, or not?

Yeah, yeah, I am fully-aware that society sees erections as sexual. I know that most people see them that way. I know most men get ‘em… and Want to have sex with it. Not Me. I’ve made it clear in many posts how I feel about this, and it just is not for me. I’ve lost many female friends because of how they perceive an erection. I wish more people had an open-mind, and were willing to learn about an individual human, and what makes them who they are, instead of just thinking something they know about another human could possibly be the same with the next one. I make it clear to anyone that might see me naked, or might see me with an erection that I Absolutely am not a sexual person, and I absolutely DO NOT Want to have sex, or do anything sexual with my penis. But many people cannot just accept that a penis does not have to be sexual. Many women also do not understand that a man can also be raped, molested, or sexually abused. The definitions that apply for those toward a woman are the same definitions that would apply toward a man. To say an erection is automatically sexual, is just like saying that because you can see a woman’s boobs, it is automatically sexual. Nope. Just part of the human body. The point I wish to get across is that we need to learn to understand each human, know what they do, and do not like, know what they find welcome, and what they do not. Respect, understanding, and trust are Huge factors in the way ANY Human is, or is not touched.

But what about The Law?:

Yes, it is true, and I have written much about the legalities of naked living. In most places, Naked is not at all illegal. … As long as it is simply naked. Where the complication comes-in is when it is either Obscene, Or Lewd, Or Both. The definition, in most cases, is: “If one is aroused, sexual, causing arousal, or intent to have another notice them BECAUSE they are aroused”. Also sometimes the law states “Seeking to attract attention to the genitalia, whether aroused, or not”. With these definitions in mind, this is where the law gets complicated. Often, Most people (even police) believe simply naked is somehow obscene, or lewd, or both. This is because most people assume that just because a person is naked, they seek to attract attention to their genitals, or that somehow simply naked is somehow sexual. Now, you can see why it is often complicated to live a simply-naked life. Add to that, the fact that not all erections are sexual… it gets complicated. Simply put, if a person has an erection, it is best to not have it seen in any public way. Whether intended as sexual, or not, it will still be perceived as sexual, and will be treated as illegal. While any citation for simply naked could easily be fought, and won in a court, proving it was not in any way sexual, or intended to cause arousal, or to draw attention specifically to the genitals, If there is an erection, you likely would not have a chance. With these specifics of the law in mind, you can see why I have always been careful at who I allow to see any erection…. Thus my own Fear. The Last thing on this Earth I intend to do it somehow be arrested, or labeled as a “sex-offender”, or any of the other things that may come with someone getting the wrong idea if I happen to have an erection. So, for those few who I happen to allow it to be visible, know you are a very select-few. I trust you, and feel safe, comfortable, and free around you.

What About Porn?:

First, let me make it clear: I am Not Anti-Porn. What each does is their own choice. Much like any other thing in life, I simply look at it with the same rule “Does it Harm Anyone?” (That word ‘harm’ is the key.) It applies to each person. I follow a simple rule in what I feel I need to be against, verses what I just do not like. If it harms ANYone, then I am against it, and will say-so. If it does not harm in any way, I can simply choose to not like it. Of course, yes there are legalities involved with this, too. But I am not in the field of enforcing the laws about porn (Nor could I claim to even grasp the laws that focus specifically on it). For me, I do not like porn. Simply, it does not do any good for me, I don’t understand it, and choose to not have it part of my life. What others do with it is their choice, and I see plenty of good in what it does for many. Yeah, yeah… I’ve heard all-too-many of the arguments about why it is bad, wrong, etc. I am not religious. I am not anti-sex. I am not anti-most things… until it harms someone. Yeah yeah, you hear those who say “It exploits Women”, or other such arguments. If everyone involved is willing, and unharmed, I say let ‘em be. This may surprise you, but I actually enjoy hearing from those who enjoy it as to why, what it does for them, and how it is a good thing in their lives. Just because I do not like sex, does not mean I do not want others to enjoy it. I just don’t understand it. If it is good in your life, then I’m cool with it. Just don’t force it on anyone who is not interested.

I Like to Learn:

But on the subject of sex, and movies, documentaries, etc… While I often find it disturbing, I DO like to learn about the world in which I live, and the Humans that I share this place called Earth with. I always find it fascinating to be allowed to look into another’s mind, learn how they feel, think, and act. Just because I like to learn about others, or the way another’s body, mind, and spirit work, does not mean I either approve of, or do not.  It simply is a wanting to understand, learn, and know what others feel, think, and do. In no way am I judging, or saying right or wrong, simply wanting to learn. If you are close-enough in my life,  please talk with me about it. I enjoy learning. Heck, I have even been known to sit and watch what others like with them… simply so I can understand that person better. I often am not super-comfortable in the viewing of what others like, but I will often support them, learning their views, and also forming new ones of my own.

The Horrors that Sex can cause in life:

On the note of other’s behaviors, I often hear about movies, life-events, or books which are horrifying, difficult to look-at with an open mind, and often sickening to my core. But in wanting to learn, and not also attempt to deny what is real in this world, that means I gotta accept some unpleasant situations. They are real, and knowing they happen, and how it affects people helps when you are determined to be helpful to every human you meet in life.

One that definitely falls into the category of uncomfortable, but real:
A friend was recently describing a movie she saw, but only caught part of it, so missed the title, and even the beginning. It involved some pretty ‘twisted’ scenarios of what happens in back-woods places. (Scenarios that really do happen, and are not so far-fetched… just that as a society, we tend to not want to acknowledge, or even admit they happen.) It involved a town Low-down Dirty Sheriff, who was very sexually inappropriate, and the power he held over others. There was a woman who was held-captive, being sexually mistreated (raped) by the Sheriff, and many others. I think they were his sons (?). One of the boys was portrayed as a “retard”. (I use that term ONLY because that is how the movie was portraying him, NOT Because I see people that way… So don’t get yer panties in a bunch because of the “politically incorrect use of the term”) Anyhow, what the scene involved was where the other men tried to get the “retard” to rape the woman, and what it took to get him hard, so it could be done.  What I found fascinating, and wanted to learn more about was the part where they could not get any of the “normal” ways to get a male aroused to work on this boy (young man), but that they tried all sorts of other things. When they finally found something that got him hard, they laughed, called him a weirdo, a freak, and other things they associated with his behaviors. I do not like much of the entire scenario, but what I was curious about was that they would portray this young man in that way, and what it took to create the scene. I found it fascinating that a group of males was trying (unsuccessfully) to get another male aroused, so he could then be sexual with a woman (which did not arouse him). My friend told me when she watched it, and on what channel. I actually searched that channel’s web-site, and scheduling. Sadly I could not locate it. The time-frame for which she watched was leased to another sub-channel, so it was not listed. (In the movie, of course, the woman finally escaped, and it continued with what she did later to bring justice.)

Just the fact that I was comfortable talking openly about this with my friend was wonderful! I love having friends I can trust, and can be comfortable with. Ironically, while I can talk with her about these things, she is not ready to see me nekkid…. And at the same time, while I am not ashamed one bit to be seen nekkid, I am not so sure I would be willing to be nekkid in front of her. I find this fascinating, that we both are so free, and comfortable… yet we both have our own imprisonments, too!

In the area of her not being ready to see me naked, there is a funny story about a recent visit to a thrift store, where I happened to find a Christmas G-string (Complete with bells!!) (See pic at top of page). How does this relate to this story, and to her? That is another post all in itself, but for now, the fact that I actually bought The Christmas G-string, BECAUSE of this friend, and how each of our own levels of comfort, (or discomfort), and the finding of this G-string totally took me by surprise, and pushed my own boundaries of comfort, willingness to grow, accept, and learn.

Why would I not want to be naked in front of her? Simple: Fear. I absolutely DO NOT Want to freak her out in any way. I absolutely love the trust, comfort, and connection we Do have. People act differently after they see you naked. They act even more different if they see your erection. And the possibility of getting an erection while I am naked around her is there. Nope, not because I am sexually attracted to her in any way, nor because she turns me on. The absolute last thing I seek is any sexual interaction. She is a trusted friend, and I do not want to lose that. And More important, I do NOT Want TO make Her Uncomfortable. (Funny, how a G-string can make an uncomfortable situation comfortable, even acceptable) My job is to bring peace, comfort, happiness, and calm to her life. She does the same for Me. Nope, I do not see her as a potential girlfriend, and have no desire to have a girlfriend. Hers and my lives intertwine in curious ways, but not in a boy-friend, girl-friend kind of way. Most people cannot grasp this, and insist that I must have desires toward her, until they meet me, and see us together. Then they tell her they were wrong, and they too see that I am truly just a friend.

So, Why would I worry if a friend saw me naked… or with an erection? Good Question! That is something I am struggling with, have struggled with, and possibly will continue to struggle with in life.

When I ended-up living in Virginia a few years back, I managed to cross this divide, explore some of those fears, and welcome trusted friends to see me with an erection. But after I left Virginia, I somehow regressed again. Yes, there have been a few people I’ve allowed to see me like that, but not often, and I seem to be more in-hiding now than I was before I ever went to Virginia.

Yes, Virginia was a wonderful, free-ing place for me. Yes, It was Very safe, and I was surrounded by people I trusted. But since leaving Virginia, unfortunately (or fortunately, I guess) I have been in many less-than safe environments. When struggling to find safety in life, the very last thing I will do is to make myself or another feel vulnerable. What is The Ultimate In Vulnerability?? Being naked at the wrong time, or having someone who absolutely would not be comfortable seeing you naked see you naked. What’s worse than that? Having an erection at that same time.

Why does that scenario I described above in the movie about the boy who was not sexually turned-on connect with Me? Simply, because I get erections NOT because I am in any way sexually turned-on, but how, and when I get one, it would be looked-at as “Freak, Weirdo” etc.  Don’t you think I ALREADY KNOW I am The Freak in the room?? Yeah, I Know it, but it does not make it any easier. But the fear of scaring-off a friend just because I got an erection is bigger than the fact that they might just accept me, not care one-bit, and even find it a great way to take-down some barriers. I mean, really… let’s face it, is there ANYTHING more revealing than naked with an erection? Well, ok, possibly having someone watch you go to the bathroom… or someone seeing you have an orgasm!... But those are completely different scenarios.

The above probably gets you wondering “So, What strange things cause the erections for me?” Or “When do I get the erections that would seem strange?” Those are great things to wonder. I have finally gotten to the point that I will actually write my feelings, and even talk face-to face with some about these situations, feelings, confusions, and curiosities. Sorry, though. Some things I am not yet ready to publicly disclose. For those who happen to be ready, and close-enough, trusted, comfortable, and safe… When the time is right, I will either tell you, or allow you to see me in that way. … But know I will never force anything on anyone, nor do anything that will knowingly make you uncomfortable. If ya don’t wanna see, or know, don’t worry, you won’t. I will always do what I can to be sure those in my life are comfortable, safe, and never feel they have been forced into an uncomfortable situation. If You wanna know… Just ask. I might just happen to be comfortable enough to talk to you about it.

Oh, Why can’t life be simple, just like it was when we were kids? When we did not know shame, fear, and were not so self-conscious? When naked was simply fun, free, and simple. …

The Hardest Topic I've Ever Written About!

Ok, Here Goes...

The Hardest Topic I've EVER Talked About. 

(No Pun intended...) The topic of Erections, There, I said It!

~Warning!~ The text, pictures, cartoons, and entire subject of this blog MAY BE OFFENSIVE to some. In No Way am I trying to shove anything in anyone's face, or in any way be inappropriate, graphic, or sexual. But the topic is about erections, and all that goes with them... So you Have Been Warned. There is nothing visually graphic, except one cartoon. Read, Learn, Laugh, and Explore at your own desire... not because you are in any way forced-to. 

In writing my blog about the hitchhiker, I began to realize quite a few things I am still easily embarrassed about. Just when I thought I was comfortable in my own skin, and thought I had accepted almost every little quirk about my own body, I was suddenly faced with some of my own embarrassments. Writing about the hitchhiker, and the events that occurred because of her, I found how difficult it is, even for me to openly admit, let alone allow another to know or see certain things about myself. That blog was one of the hardest I have written, because it brings up so many emotions, and fears. I am a person who lives life with feelings. Often just simply writing about an event in my life brings those feelings I felt at that time to the surface now. Simply writing is not so simple. It is all about re-living, and experiencing those feelings, fears, emotions, and all that all over again. Often, this is The Most Difficult aspect of writing for me.

As I re-lived the events of The Hitchhiker those feelings, and the emotions that came with it, I began to realize that while I have made huge progress in moving forward in life, and accepting, even embracing much of what I am not comfortable with, I seemingly have regressed in some areas. Those areas are directly related to the fact that I have a penis. There, I said it. Yes, I have a penis. While in recent years, I have come a huge distance in not hiding the fact that I have never been happy to have been born with a penis, I still find that after 44 years, I cannot totally accept, or allow others to notice certain aspects of it. … Well, I guess it would not be accurate to say that it has been this way for 44 years (almost 45 now.) Because the first 12-years of my life, I never felt the need to hide my penis. The first twelve years of my life were easy in the penis department. So in all accuracy, I gotta say, it has been 32-years that I have been conflicted. (with a couple of brief-times during those where I actually learned to forget about the hang-ups.)

 Here Is A Funny Picture of Me... With My Wood :)

Ya know, It is actually funny how I am about my own naked-ness, and still feel I should hide my erections. This past year has been wonderful in my own growth, acceptance, and even welcoming of my body, the changes I see happening as I age, and finally allowing myself to admit it.

This photo is one Kim took recently when she and her hubby were at my home. The reason I chose this photo is because of the implied joke. (Yup, He's got wood. He's showing his wood. Bare, or Bear?) Any way you look at it, it is funny, and I welcomed her taking the photo. Her hubby thought it was hilarious, and welcomed me to be so free for his wife to experiment in her photography. I did not have an erection at this time, but we did talk later about what if I did? I am not fully-allowing anyone to see me in that way yet... But I am getting closer. Also in the past year, I have taken a few photos of myself, and actually not deleted them just because they showed me with a bit of erection. This is just another part of my growing, learning, and accepting of my own self. I am happy to have friends in my life who also welcome my own growth and explorations.

What Exactly Embarrasses Me?:

Two areas of mortification, humiliation and embarrassment involving my penis are: how and when I get an erection, and how I feel about it. Yep. I said it. It has taken me 44 years to publicly say it. (well ok, maybe a little less since I did not talk for probably the first year…) I often have written, or spoken, but only cautiously mentioned an erection as “a reaction”.  It is kinda odd, and funny… that someone who loves to be naked is embarrassed to admit, or to allow another to see he has an erection. Even as a non-sexual being, I am not able to be so sure my erection would not be viewed as sexual, or offensive…. Yet I know from experience that those who have seen, felt, or even purposely caused it have shown me that I have nothing to be embarrassed about. Wow. My own fear of even writing the word is (no pun intended) huge and hard to grasp. I wrote it four times in this paragraph. The first time was almost impossible, The second, third, and fourth were not easy. Each time I wanted to write “reaction” instead. I would have to search everything I have ever written, but to my best recollection, the only time I have used that word was when I would describe those who behaved badly, and intentionally wanted to have others see their own erection. (Ha! I first started to write “reaction”) But I have Never purposely used the word to describe my own penis…. Thus the conflict I have… is mostly within my own mind. I probably had to use the word in 9^th grade health class to pass a test about sex-ed, but that was totally different. It was not talking about me... and it totally was related to sexuality.

Do I Like Erection(s)?:

(It would seem that if someone was non-sexual, they also would not enjoy an erection, right? Nope!):

Now don’t get me wrong, I Absolutely DO Enjoy my erections. I just can’t grasp (Pun not intended) the notion of it in any way being sexual. IF I never have an orgasm, I would be fine with that. Give me an erection, and just remove all the sexual-ness that goes along with it, and I would be happy! The problem I have is in admitting it, or allowing another to see it. Why have I gotten so I absolutely do not want anyone to see, or notice I have one? As an adult, often in life, I have had close female friends who would share a bed with me. Yup! I got erections, even though there was never anything sexual between us, and often, I would do almost anything I could to be sure it was not noticed… (roll-over, lay on m,y front, wear two-pair of underwear, scoot my hips back so I was not poking her...) even though they would express “it was ok”, or “I don’t mind”. To me, I somehow had connected an erection with sexuality, and absolutely did not want them to think it was sexual, or intended as sexual. The worst was if I shared a bed with a friend, and got one, tried to make it not-noticeable, but they would purposely snuggle-into it, not attempting to make it sexual, or take it any further, just showing me they were ok with it, and I should be too. I would be mortified, but at the same time notice they were not. But why was (am) I always so embarrassed by it? I did not used-to be. There have been occasional friends (Non-girlfriend-type) who I have allowed, and welcomed an erection. It still baffles me, and I cannot yet find logic, reason, or valid thoughts to say why this is sometimes acceptable for me, and other times it is not. Eventually, I might write more about each person who I have felt so safe and comfortable with, but for now, there is only one I have written about. That was when I lived in Virginia. I write in much detail about her (Jill) in my Blog about “Naked on the Roof For Memorial Day”.

I Hate Sex:

(How does That Compare with Drugs and Alcohol?)

It is no secret that I absolutely hate sex. To quote a friend, when we were recently having this discussion, her shocked, yet humorous response was: “Wait. You’ve Had Sex, and Do Not Like IT!?!??”  I laughed, and appreciated her candor. To her, the notion of not liking sex was unheard-of by anyone who had actually had it, especially by a male! That kind of statement was reserved for those who had never had it, or for those who had only bumbled around a bit, not yet having gotten a true understanding of it. No, I am not a virgin. I have definitely had experience, understanding, and know what sex is, and how so many people absolutely love it. Also, in our society, it creeps people out when I state I am non-sexual. For some reason, it is widely accepted, and welcomed for all to openly state how much they love sex, and to have one person (Me) state the opposite, it creeps them out, and they do not know how to react to that. The only way I can compare my hatred of sex is to compare it to Drugs, or even Alcohol. But in our society, most do not understand that comparison either. Seemingly, most people cannot understand how I absolutely hate the way any alcohol, or drug makes me feel, yet most people feel the opposite. While most will openly admit and tell the world about their alcohol consumption, most will hide anything to do with their drug-consumption. (The subject of drug-consumption, abuse, and even what would or would not fall into this category is quite lengthy, and would be a post, or several all in itself. For now, I just mention it as comparison.) Most will say they do not do drugs, but will do them in secret, but will tell you once you have gained their trust. I do not do drugs one bit… At all. And this baffles most. But it is the same with sex. I don’t secretly have sex, and just claim that I don’t. I flat-out hate sex, and will not have it.

As a Child, I always said “Why Would Anyone Want To Have Sex?”:

From as early an age as I could recall, I never could see the desire for anyone to have sex. I could not grasp why anybody would ever want to create another human, nor mix their bodily fluids like that. From as early as I can remember, I never liked the idea of another’s bodily fluids combining with mine. (But, of course, there were exceptions) I also could not image why anyone would find sex to be appealing. By the age of five, I was adamant about all the reasons people should not create babies. I had connected 'sex' with baby-making, and to me, that was absolutely nothing I wanted anything to do with. (But as long as it was simply play, but not sexual, it was ok in my mind. The fine-line was if it mimicked the act of making a baby.) People often were baffled, and assumed I was just repeating what I’d heard others say. But my parents, grandparents, and anybody else in my life all insisted these were my own thoughts, and beliefs. This was easily proven since nobody could find anybody that had the same views as I did, so it would be difficult to have copied another’s words. They would be baffled that I had such strong feelings at such a young age, but in further inquiries, they learned my reasons, and the facts to which I based my opinions. I knew that the main purpose for God to have created humans in the way which our bodies were made, the way they were was so a male and a female could make a baby. No, I was not taught this in a church, or religious setting. I knew this from seeking all the understanding I could about how our bodies function.  I sought learning about everything I came across in life. Humans were one of many things I tried to understand. I was especially always seeking knowledge about humans, and how our bodies worked, because from birth, I had health issues the doctors were baffled by. From birth I learned much of how my own body functioned was not at all like any other, and my mind also was different. I was always told they could not figure out my body, nor my mind. Doctors could only copy what they were shown based on how other humans were made. I was not made like another human.

What about God?:

(And how does God have anything to do with My own Erections?)

Hehe... Master The Art... :)

Conflicting as it was for my own being, I knew who God was, and I was created special, absolutely unique. Most are unique in the fact that their own personality is not like others. My uniqueness was to the core. My senses, how I learned, how food worked, or did not, and even what I thought felt good compared to any other was completely unlike any other. I was created to seek a deeper understanding, feel, and see things differently, and to react to these things differently than most were. What felt good to others did not make me feel the same. My wiring was not at all like any other I met. This conflicted and confused me hugely. Everything I ever learned did not match what others learned. I was confused about much that existed in life. God was a huge confusion, conflict, and bafflement (is that a word?) Because while I Knew God, I also wanted to deny God existed. (Ha! But the subject of My Knowing God is an entirely different subject, and likely many posts all in themselves.) But I Knew without a doubt God had made me to feel, see, and react differently than any other ever created…. But I totally wanted to deny God existed, too. I would later learn that God Created me as a non-sexual being, so I could be The Safe Person in others’ lives. God created me this way so I was not a threat in the sexual-department for those who otherwise had found any penis to be a bad thing. I learned I was created this way so even those who had only found that a penis was a threat, or to be used in a bad-way could find peace, understanding, and learning about what was otherwise feared. (And I’ll bet you were wondering how God in any-way connected to my erections?... I will get to that later, likely a separate post in itself… But I learned that even with my own views of my erections, there would be times when someone was placed in my life that needed to learn in a safe, non-threatening environment about erections. Turns out, I learned, too!)

Why Did I Hate The Idea of Sex?:

My logic, and understanding about the purpose of sex likely shaped my feelings toward sex, sexuality, and how it made me feel, act, and react. But it goes much deeper than just a belief about baby-making.  I truly believe God did not want me to be a sexual being. Could this be because of my views on baby-making? Could this be because of my views on bodily fluids? Possibly. But I will never know for sure. To know that sex is a primary function needed for making babies, the likeliness of that being the reason I could never find good in it is highly likely, but I doubt that is the root of it. But also, I have discovered my own wiring makes what feels good to others not feel good to me. So, it clearly is a dislike of not only the idea of making babies, but also to the core of my own body, and how sex feels to me. To me there is nothing pleasant about sex, and I cannot grasp why anyone would want to feel like that. 

One thing I have discovered is intimacy, or sensuality is completely different than sex. I also have discovered most people do not know the difference, and my mention of it confuses them. To most intimacy, or sensuality is also sexual. There is a huge difference! To me, if you can share sensuality, and intimacy with someone, it is much more meaningful, delightful, and uplifting than any sex ever could be. To connect with someone in a sensual-way, to have an intimacy, an understanding, and a connection that could never be reached with sex… THAT, to me is The Absolute Best Feeling To Achieve! The feeling of being so close, trusted, and safe with another that you can touch, feel, learn, and explore, but have no sex... Yup! I'll take that any day! Ya want sex? Go find someone else.

~As I write, I have my own battles that go on inside my own mind that if I listened, I likely would never reveal any of my true feelings... Fortunately, I ignore those distractions... Mostly.~

THE DISTRACTIONS IN MY MIND THAT CAUSE ME TO NOT SAY WHAT I FEEL:

This is not easy at all to write, but I am feeling inspired, and must get it out while the mood is right… some of this may be considered taboo, or even one of those “best left unmentioned”… I may even delete parts of this later, but for now, I feel I gotta write as it feels right...

Welcome Touch, Exploration, and Learning as a Young Boy:

(Some say it is Taboo, or Forbidden to ever touch…But would you agree a child should learn... and hopefully in a safe, trusted environment rather than finding the answers they seek in an unhealthy way?)

I remember how as a young boy, many of us would happily be naked, even openly touch, feel, and play with others. We understood from an early age when it was allowed and when it was not. Naked play, touch, understanding, and discovery were just simply part of learning, growing, and understanding. Yes, both boys and girls… and dare I mention also older people, too. It was not just us “little kids”. I was fortunate that many of my friends’ parents, my grandparents, and even an aunt by marriage were all safe, encouraging comfortable people. Also interestingly enough, There was absolutely no openness, no touch, and no “play” allowed on my Dad’s side of the family. The idea of anyone seeing anybody even partially naked on his side of the family was unheard of. (But my Dad did not care if anyone was naked, touched, or not… just his family was weird about it.) On My Mom’s side, it was Very Open… Yet my Mom was the one who had the most hang-ups about it. (I cover some of those oddities in posts about “Naked Freedom as a Child, Then Lost”). But even though Mom had hang-ups about it, She Also was one of The Most Positive, supportive, and open, too! We had many neighbors, family-friends, community-groups, camps, and places where touch, learning, and exploration in a safe-environment were welcomed, accepted, and not-at-all-shameful.

What was Acceptable?:

(Dare I Say who touched, and when?? Or is that Taboo?):

I learned as a very young boy that for some reason almost any girl, or woman really liked to have little boys they could give an erection to. But they were picky about which boys they would do this with. I was one they enjoyed to “play” with…  and I did not mind one bit! But they would absolutely not go near some boys’ penises, because of how that boy behaved. Of course, it worked-out that the friends I had who were boys, also fit into this same group. The ones who were creepy did not become my friend, nor would they want me as theirs. Those were the ones no girl ever wanted to be around. This was most definitely true among girls our own age, and the ones just a few years older. But it was not limited to the girls. I learned that if you were willing, and open, it was perfectly acceptable for almost any age of woman to find joy in this. It never felt wrong, bad, or weird. It was never done in a “secretive way”, or hidden. I never really understood why it was acceptable for any girl or woman to give an erection, and even have their friends do the same to a young boy, but it was taboo for them to do the same with any teenaged boy, or a man. I later learned that as long as a boy only had “Phantom Ejaculations” it was totally acceptable. It would all change after a boy could have real ejaculations. (I’ll get back to that later).That was why when the boys were older, it was looked as sexual, instead of just good, clean, safe fun. I also would learn that even once a boy could ejaculate, it was still safe, harmless, and fun as long as it was not taken to that point. But most boys wanted it to be taken to that, instead of just enjoy the erection, and safe play. But this baffled me, and likely helped shape my own views as to why I went into hiding with my own erections as I grew-up. While it was always accepted that a girl, or woman of any age was allowed to give a boy an erection, it was not always the same when it involved older boys, or men. Yep! I willingly admit there were some boys and men who I totally trusted, and never made me feel uncomfortable in any way. (And, No… My own Dad never was interested in this touch at all. He was safe, trusted, and never creepy, but he simply never cared about anybody’s penis. Sometimes, this confuzzled me, too, since I could not understand why he accepted any of this, but would never be part of it.) Some boys and men were completely safe, and never a bad thing, but there were those who were the opposite, too.

Who Were The Creepy Ones?

(The ones who were not safe, and could not be trusted):

Some boys, and men were absolutely creepy, and gave off a feeling that was not to be trusted. I got rid of friends fast, and stayed away from men who would be creepy in this area. (But some were family, and I was forced to be around them …) It was always easy to tell which were the safe ones, and which were the creeps. The safe ones never felt they needed to be secretive, hide, or never be like this when others were around. The safe ones never did anything that made you uncomfortable. It was the creepy ones who wanted to be secretive, or do this in hiding, or have you do things you were not comfortable with, even telling you to “never tell anyone”. Simply put, if someone felt they had to hide their activity, or acted different because others were around, they could not be trusted. I grew up in a very comfortable, open, mostly safe environment. We learned healthy touch, exploration, and observation. The human body was in no way shameful, or even anything that needed to be hidden. But if the occasional creepy one made me uncomfortable, I made sure they knew they were never allowed near me again. This was awkward when it involved a relative, but usually those relatives would make themselves very distant at family functions. The most creepy, and hardest to ever be around were my own brother, and an uncle on my Mom’s side.  They knew they were creeps, but also thrived on this behavior, so they were often torn in their own minds about how to function, or how to hide their desires. They knew many would allow their creepiness, yet I would absolutely not, and even speak-out boldly against them, so they often would attempt to bribe me, or worse, scare or bully me into not saying anything. My brother would go so far as to have his friends attempt to beat me up, bully me, or make my life miserable, all because I would not submit to their creepy ways. It was tough with my uncle, because my family always sent me on camping trips with him. He would attempt to spoil me rotten, giving me all the camping, skiing, and wonders of nature he knew I absolutely loved. My family knew how much he creeped me out, but also knew I loved nature, and that he always wanted to take me along, so it was a struggle for most of my youth. But it was not just those two. There were others in our neighborhood, and community. While I absolutely loved my freedom of nakedness, when the creepy ones were around, I would never be naked, and do anything I could to be sure an erection never showed if they were around. (This, too helps me understand why I went into always hiding my own erection… simply to not attract the creeps!) This began as early in life as I could recall. I always tried to figure out the connection between an erection, and when it was safe, comfortable, and no problem, and when it should be hidden.

Safe and Unsafe People:

I did not have many friends that were boys, but the few I did have were as eager as I was to learn, and discover. We seldom objected to have the girls want to see if they could cause an erection. (It was seldom that they could not!) Heck, even us boys enjoyed giving each other erections. As long as nobody was made to feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or felt harmed in any way, we were free to discover, learn, and explore as much as we could. As long as it was not suddenly made sexual, but simply just an erection, I never got creeped-out by my own, or by any of the friends I had. But the moment one of them would suddenly start to see it as sexual, I would never again be able to be friends with that boy. It is no secret my hatred toward my brother and how he treated me. But I noticed it was not just my own view. None of the girls I was friends with, or the neighbor girls would be naked near him, or ever touch him in that way. We had our share of babysitters growing-up. Most of the baby sitters got the same impression. He made them uncomfortable, so it was difficult to get baby-sitters to return again. (Occasionally, he found a sitter that thought he was perfect in all his creepy ways. Needless to say, my sister and I did not like those sitters.) Nobody could ever figure out why he insisted on being so creepy, and it made many situations very uncomfortable. He had plenty of friends, and was popular… among boys, but the boys who were my friends also felt very uncomfortable around him.

When A good Friend Turns Bad:

(When Innocent play with Donuts ‘n Peanut Butter turns to porn.)

I remember when I was eight, a neighbor boy had me come over after school, because he wanted to show me something that he thought would help me understand his recent changes that I objected to.  We were previously close friends, but in recent months, I had told him I did not feel comfortable near him.

I was often at this boy’s house, and naked, and even erections were never an issue. His older sister was 12, and often played in the same way with us. His dad was always upstairs, (never naked) and seldom interacted with us, but did not care if we were naked, or not. His mom was around, too, but it seemed recently she was always away at work. She interacted with us, and never saw our play as anything but good, safe, normal play. She was totally comfortable and safe. We often saw her naked, and it was never an issue, either. The Mom was never interested in causing an erection, but seemed happy enough to watch, often tease us as we caused our own. One of the joys of this mom was that she liked to encourage us, and even offer various foods to play with, or put on our bodies, and likewise encourage us to get creative in how we snacked, or removed those foods. (Yup, donuts fit nicely on a young boy’s erection. Peanut Butter was hilarious at how much fun it was to apply, and how much work it took to remove.) The sister was definitely part of our normal play, and often would purposely give us erections. I always found it strange that the mom was more interested, and always grinned a bit more whenever her daughter would be playing with either of us. The mom enjoyed our erections and play, more when her daughter would do this, compared to when we did it ourselves. At that age, I did not understand this, but found it curious. The mom was the one who would suggest to the daughter different things she could try to see how we would react. To us, it was normal, and nothing to be ashamed of. Of course we totally welcomed it! It also was not kept secret from anyone else. We were open, and felt we had no reason to hide any of this, since we were not doing anything wrong.

They lived in some condos that had shared backyards. The entire set of condos made a circle around the common yard, or as we called it the backyard. Instead of a private fenced yard behind one house, it was a private fenced yard behind about ten houses. The back-fence of the common area was against a shopping center. In the back yard, it was considered a safe place to play whether naked, or clothed. We got naked, and ran around like we normally would, even in this common-setting, an erection was not a bad thing, as long as it was not done in a creepy way. All the neighbors knew one another, and there was never any trouble. There were other kids, too, and we all did the same here. That was just part of getting along socially. Often, if we got especially messy with food, we would be made to go outside, and there we could be as messy as we wanted, then just hose ourselves off. I had known them for many years, and none of us were uncomfortable with each other.

It seemed that in the recent months, it was like there were never parents at their house, and my friend began to act weird with his own erections, and get scary in the way he acted. His sister saw a difference in her brother, too. We both were uncomfortable around him now. Of course she had been growing and developing, but until recently, this had never become an issue. It was normal, and we all saw it with many of our friends. But in the recent moths, she began to stop playing, teasing her little brother because of how he was suddenly reacting toward her own changes. But she never stopped teasing me. She told me her little brother had changed, and he now was creepy, and had begun to develop enough that now he ejaculated, too, instead of just having ‘phantom ejaculations’, and this made her uncomfortable. As she began to develop, and also when he began to act creepy with his desires, she no longer wanted to encourage him like that, she would come to my house without him, or often we would be together at another neighbor’s home, in their courtyard, or any other place as long as her brother was not around.

To me, she was never a problem, and I enjoyed her. I never treated her any different as she developed. She was not the first girl I’d grown-up around. To me, she was a good friend, and I could not imagine being so rude just because someone’s body was growing up. I also noticed the few times I saw her dad around her when she was naked, and how he, too acted differently towards her and her newly forming breasts. Her brother seemed to want her attention more when he was naked, and often would grope her newly developing breasts, and rub his erect penis against her, and this made her uncomfortable, and made me uncomfortable, too. I could not understand the sudden changes I was seeing in him and their dad towards her. Suddenly, they both had a mean-almost hurtful look in their eyes as they looked at her now. To me, they were very disturbing, and I could see she was not comfortable with this either. She began to go into hiding her body. I told the dad he was being rude, and he got mad at me. I told my friend I was not comfortable in how he treated his sister now, and did not like being around his sudden changes. It seemed his mother was never home anymore. He also behaved different with his own nakedness even when she was not around. I had stopped going over there, because of how he acted.

I had discussed my concerns with anyone who would listen. Mostly, though my concerns were dismissed and never really went anywhere. This frustrated me, because I could see how this was trouble, and nobody else would believe me. People would reply and say things like “He’s just growing-up. That is what happens.” I disagreed, because I saw how the changes in him were turning bad, not just growing-up. I’d been around plenty of boys, and this one was not acting like he was simply growing-up. I knew they would just have to see for themselves, and again they would be amazed at how I knew before anyone else did.

It had been a while since I had gone to his house when he was there. This particular afternoon, his dad was not home. His sister was home, but not naked. He was acting weird, so I did not feel comfortable getting naked this time, just like many of the recent times I was near him. He had changed, and was no longer comfortable. He did, though, and immediately got an erection. The look in his eyes changed, and he scared me. He made it a point to rub against his sister before we went out the back door. I was disgusted. He also groped her breasts through her shirt and bra. She shoved him away, and I saw a fire in his eyes that was not good. He stormed out the back door, telling me follow him, so I would understand. He was parading around with his erection, and a wild look in his eyes. This was not something I enjoyed one bit. A few neighbors scorned him for how he was acting, but he no longer cared about what was right anymore. I did follow him though in hopes that I might gain understanding of what this was all about. I knew who He used-to-be, and I still grasped at the idea that he might return to the person everyone loved, and he used to be a trusted friends, so I hoped I could find an answer. (I was not  unaware of what changes happen to humans, and how they see things sexually that they did not previously, but to see someone I had shared so much with suddenly behaving in such a bad way baffled me. I knew the difference in a good way of accepting the changes, and a bad way. He was definitely not behaving in a good way.To me, it looked like he was behaving just like my brother, my uncle, and so many others I could not stand.)

We got to a section of the sidewalk fairly hidden by some bushes, and away from the other homes, against the back fence where the shopping center was. He squatted down, and pulled up a metal drain cover. Inside this drain, was a bundle wrapped in plastic. He got a really scary-look in his eyes as he did this. He pulled the bundle out, replaced the drain cover, and led me under the bushes. As he unwrapped the plastic, I could see what he had. He had a pile of magazines featuring naked women, and also naked men having sex with naked women. Basically, it was porn. As he opened them, the wild look got more scary. He shoved picture after picture in front of me. I was disgusted. He was thrilled. He was doing things with his own erection that made me very uncomfortable. I’d seen people having sex before, and to me it was simply that. Two people having sex. I could not imagine that it would be anything exciting for somebody to watch, or that in any way someone would want pictures of it, or somehow find it to be a thrill. I could not see how pictures in a magazine were exciting, or in any way something anyone would want to look at, let alone somehow be anything to get turned-on sexually about. He was beyond the point of talking to him. To him, suddenly this was the most important thing in the universe. He was beyond just a little-boy getting a cheap-thrill from looking at naked pictures. He had a scary-look in his eyes, and was not the friend I used to know. He continued to play with himself, and tried to get me to do the same to him. I refused. I grabbed those magazines, and threw them away from him. I shoved him backwards and asked why he thought this was so cool. He said, “Don’t you see? We could do that with my sister!” I was beyond astonished, and disgusted. He did not care about anything but what he was doing with himself. He made himself ejaculate, and almost got it on me, too. The look in his eyes was not of a friend, or even of a human who cared about any other human. I told him he was a disgusting person and I never wanted him around me again. I ripped up his magazines, and headed out. He did not care about me, or that I was leaving. He chased down his torn-up magazines. I had to go through their house to get outside.

As I went back, one of the neighbors who happened to be a registered “safehouse” on the block was coming out her back door. I told her what he was doing, and how disgusted I was. She told me others had just come to her to complain also, and that was why she was coming outside… to see what he was doing. She told me she would take care of it. I knew that meant she would call the police, because that sort of thing was not at all acceptable. She went back into her house. I went inside, and his sister asked me what was wrong. I told her. She hugged me, and apologized for how he had done that to me. She told me he had done that to her also, and that’s all he can think about now, and how her dad looks at her in the same creepy way. I felt horrible and wanted to throw up. How could anybody look at their own daughter, or sister like that? How could her brother somehow think he was behaving in a good way? We were both disgusted, and decided to go to the park and away from her brother, and the police that were on their way. We already knew he would blame us for the way he acted, instead of accepting his own actions were what got him into trouble.

The lady from the safehouse came to the park to tell us it was safe to return. She told us their mom was with him where they had taken him. She told us the boy had been yelling as they hauled him away about how he hated me, and his sister for doing this to him. We could not believe that he somehow thought his own bad-behavior somehow was our fault. After talking to many people about this, I learned that day that when people get the notion of sex in their brains, that is the most important thing to them, and no way it could be them misbehaving, it is someone else’s fault for their own troubles. They took him to “Juvi” (or Jeuvenile Hall). That was where they took kids who got into trouble with the law. I knew he would not be at school after that, and would be made to go to a strict school that handles out of control kids. His sister continued to be my friend, and thanked me for stepping-in like that. After a few days, her brother was released, and allowed to live at home, but he was on a strict-grounding, and had to follow very strict rules, plus go to special classes to teach him how to behave appropriately. Their mother had changed her work schedule to make sure she was always home when the boy was. The police warned the dad that if he acted that way towards the daughter again, he would be arrested, too. The girl had to stop being naked at home, to keep her dad or brother from doing anything wrong towards her. It was sad. She still had her naked freedom everywhere else, just not at her own home. At her own home, she had to lock her bedroom, and bathroom door, so they would not come-in. She had to hide her body all the time at her own home, because her dad and brother did not know how to behave. All the people in the neighborhood, and the schools knew what the boy and dad had done. It served as a good lesson to everyone to not be creepy about their sexual desires.

I actually was glad the boy forced the issue on me, or the girl would have likely been harmed horribly. Who knows how many people saw what he did, and decided not to do the same thing? She and I remained friends, just never at her house. She was in my life until I turned twelve. She was 16. We moved from that neighbor hood when I was ten, and only occasionally returned over the next two years. She was driving the last time I saw her, and even had a boyfriend. She (and her friends) still enjoyed giving me erections any chance they got, and I never once looked at her differently. They were trusted friends, and in no way was I ever made to feel anything shameful, or embarrassed by them. I also could not grasp the notion of anybody wanting to have sex. Sure, the erections were good, but why would I want to ruin a good thing? I was just a little kid to her… but one she grew up with, and could still “play” with in a harmless way. One of her friends teased me one day and asked how I felt about them being “cock-teases”. I had to admit I did not know what that meant. They weren’t sure they should tell me since I did not know, and was “just a kid”. They explained what it meant. I laughed, and told them they were hardly teasing anything. From their definition that would mean that any boy they gave an erection to was somehow expecting to have sex, or to have an orgasm. I told them I thought it was silly that anyone would think that just because he had an erection, they should have something more. They explained that most boys and all men think they should, and I was different. They explained why I was safe, and they could be free around me. That was why they liked to have me around. They explained that most boys their own age, were always interested in sex, and glad I would not at all grow up to be like them. I agreed. I liked that I was always safe for the girls. She thanked me over and over for helping her.

I have no doubt that behaviors like this helped to form my own views about why an erection should be hidden. But at the same time, I have soo many more events to share, and that have actually been positive, happy, and in no way bad.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This post is becoming quite lengthy, and I feel if I wait until I have written all I need to say, it will be an entire book. So I have chosen this point to break-it-off. No worries! I will continue my thoughts on erections, my own feelings, experiences, and discoveries about why I have chosen to hide my own… and how I am slowly learning to accept who I am, and allow others to see me in that way, too.

I know ending this where I did does not create any conclusion… and leaves it quite hanging. I guess that is a good thing, right? I have no choice, but to return to post more… (UPDATE: I Have written a second part to this. You can see it here: http://enterwithanopenmindorclosedeyes.blogspot.com/2013/02/erections-when-i-was-little-boy.html

Meanwhile, enjoy your own erections, see what causes them, and be not afraid to openly admit it… Just don’t be creepy about it!