For some reason, it seems I am entertaining possibly going down a destructive path in my near future. A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about Fall having arrived, but it did not feel like it. I mentioned how it was still in the hot temperature range, even though the sun had shifted southward, and the days were getting shorter. That is changing rapidly. I think the fall-feeling has finally caught up with me. For some reason, this season affects me in a negative way more than any other. I thrive on sunshine, and when Fall arrives, I notice a drastic change in the way the sun feels, and also feel it inwardly more so than just on the surface. At this time, the sun starts to retreat at a drastic rate. While I always try to fill my life with positive, and look for the joys in every single thing I do, I tend to take it personally when My Sun Leaves. I feel abandoned as I head out in the mornings, and the sun has decided to not get up, and shine on my day for a couple more hours. I notice the sun lurks further South even during the highest point of the day. I notice my South-facing windows, and balcony are now shadowed. Even taking a nap in the sun is fleeting, if at all possible. I notice how dark it is early in the evening, and how the temperatures start to demand the use of a blanket, and even require I close most of the windows. As this season sets-in, I have to be careful to not make any drastic decisions in life. The beginning of Fall is the hardest for me. I feel the life that the sun gives making a hasty retreat. I automatically go into a mood that is not entirely healthy. I Fight it, and seek to find ways to stay positive. If I do not recognize the change in my mood, I will easily follow-through with unwise decisions.
This week that feeling has been tugging at me especially hard. Today, I felt an impending doom lurking. This is not the first time I have had to address this feeling. My first urge was to get as far from any other human, or part of any human influence. This is the same feeling that made me leave (literally run away) Oregon in 2005. I recognize this feeling now, and know I need to avoid that. I know I need to find as much positive energy as I can… but in a safe manner. I Know that if I went out of my home in that frame of mind, I would make disastrous choices. At times like these, I am especially glad that I do not have a vehicle. This is the time when I could easily go for a drive, and decide to keep going. The very fact that I am dependent on the city-busses just to even get out of the city, is sometimes a good thing. Just knowing that I am in no mood to deal with the drama that seems to be prevalent on the buses makes me avoid climbing on one. It is also sometimes good that my arthritis keeps me from loading up my pack, and just hitting the road for destinations unknown. By being semi-bound and not having the freedom to just go, makes me stop and seek alternatives.
Right now, I am listening to an album from 1977 that always puts me in a good-spot. Yes, I called it an album. It is the group “Up With People” and the album is called “Push on Through”. When I was a kid, my family went to see this group many times. I had the actual record album for many years. My sisiter and I would always play it full-blast, and all our worries would be carried away with it.
I could not locate the album for many many years. Two years ago, when I got my computer, I was able to locate it, and purchased it on I-Tunes. I have it stored on my computer. It is THE ONLY Music I have ever bought, and stored on a computer. I made a copy on a disk for my sister. I gave it to her in her car one day, without any labels, and had her put it in the player. Then I watched her face. It had been at least 20-years since either of us had heard it. (I heard it just before making a copy for her.) As the first tune started to play, I could see the sparkle, and recognition in her eyes. Then, she totally registered what she was listening to. There is no way for me to even begin to describe what this group is, or how they affect me in a positive way. I wish I knew how to add it to my blog, but I cannot locate the info to do so. I tunes does not seem to have an option for it to be shared, except in a home-shared network. I have replayed this album four times already today. It helps a lot!
I managed to locate their official webpage: http://upwithpeople.org/ They have a sampling of some more recent music. It is not the 1977 album, but you can learn more about Up With People there.
(An interesting footnote: last week when Steve Jobs of Apple died, I posted that I respect his brilliance, and all that he has done to change our world, but I did not recall ever having used any of the products he created. I stand corrected… I tunes is an Apple product. I would not have the Up with People Album without Steve Jobs, and Apple. Thank You for this, Steve Jobs!... You have finished the race, and crossed the finish line. Your contributions have helped many people. No doubt, You Probably DO Know… But If you do not, Let me tell you, You may have helped save my life.) While Directly, Steve Jobs did not save my life, nor did this album directly do anything so significant, The impact made is important, and Does make a difference.
Today, after hearing Up With People, I decided to turn my energy toward creative writing. This is one of the main reasons I started Blogging. I need a creative outlet, and seem to have a lot of things on my mind that I need to write. Writing is very positive for me, and I have found that it also helps others, too! While my first intention of writing my feelings, thoughts, concerns, and often twisted humor is not meant to entertain others, I find that it serves a double-duty, without trying to do so.
Have no worries… I am not gonna run away.
I did that once. If I have any choice in the matter, I will not do that again. I merely am feeling the pull, and now know how to recognize it. The biggest battle I have is making sure I DO recognize it, and address it. Many times since that fateful event in 2005, I have found myself seeking that escape. I Know it is not an escape at all, rather it becomes more imprisonment than any kind of true escape. It is the hope, excitement, and possibility that perhaps you could magically go from one life into a perfect new life and leave all your troubles behind that entices me. It is the fantasy that if I were somewhere else, I would suddenly find the perfect place. I dream of finding that place where Peace truly is the thing that motivates others. I dream that if I went somewhere else, I could find that one magical place where there is no racism, no bigotry, no hatred of others, no evil, no dishonesty, and no crime.
I fully expect that when I do discover such a place, I will arrive riding my dragon, and have a pet unicorn, and truly be able to fly without any mechanical means. And the Sun will shine high, and warm all year ‘round. There would be plenty of snow, but it would not be miserable. In that snow, we could run, and play, making perfect naked snow-angels, then go for a swim in the warm-water flowing nearby. In that place, we could be naked without anybody trying to make it a bad thing. We could climb the trees, run through the clovers, watch the perfect sunset, and then watch the stars glowing overhead.
I feel much more positive now than I did when I started to play the Up With People Album. I Hope you have found some joy and a bit of humor in my writings!
If you find yourself with a pet unicorn, may I offer one bit of advice: Never Play LeapFrog with a Unicorn!
And if you have a pet dragon, be careful … you likely could make a tasty snack when properly toasted by a stray fire-sneeze from that dragon.
I Hope You find something to find joy in when you feel the urge to Run Away....
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